In this articlePlaying the bad guyThe trouble with being soft-heartedFor the greater goodPlaying the bad guy Its very difficult to say no to children. They can look so crushed and disappointed. Their woeful little faces tug at your heartstrings. Many parents feel like ogres when they are forced to lay down the law. They feel like the villains who have taken the sunshine out of their childrens lives. But unfortunately, lifes like that. It isnt all fun and games and doing whatever you want. And the sooner children learn this, the better. Naturally, the people elected to bring this home to them are their parents. Children are never going to be happy about being disciplined. So even if you wish that you didnt have to encounter sulky faces and sullen behaviour every time you read them the riot act, its not going to happen. Children are always going to think that you take a perverse pleasure in raining on their parade.The trouble with being soft-hearted The first thing soft-hearted parents need to realize is that when they stop their children from doing something that is not good for them, they are not being mean; they are being good parents. Children lack the maturity to see the big picture and will accuse you of being mean. But remain poker-faced and say to yourself that it is for their own good. Disciplining a child is not being mean (even if your child says so). However, if in the course of disciplining your child you humiliate her or make nasty sweeping statements about her character, then you are being mean. In other words, discipline per se is not meanness, but your style of disciplining may be. Parents who feel that they are ogres and feel guilty about disciplining their children are bound to come across as tentative, reluctant and unsure. Children are quick to pick up on the fact that you are softies and will indulge in increasingly unruly behaviour knowing that you are reluctant to come down on them hard. Parents are only human and one day you are going to get fed up of being ignored and not taken seriously. Then all your simmering resentment will be expressed in an outburst when you will come down on them may be harder than they deserve. Then you will really be mean. For the greater good You have to understand that discipline is not an exhibition of vindictiveness as your children would like you to believe. Look upon it as an essential function of parenting. Your child may not want to take a tetanus shot, but your insistence is not meanness. Youre just looking out for him. Remember that as parents youre not always going to be your childrens favourite people or win any popularity polls with them. They may say that they hate you and throw a hundred tantrums, but they soon forget and will be all smiles. But once you have both cooled down, make an attempt to talk to your child and discover why he said that he didnt like you. You will find that either it was just something he said in the heat of the moment and didnt mean it. On the other hand, you may discover some flaws in your disciplining technique that you need to rethink. However, keep in mind that its more important to discipline them than to be in their good books.
Playing the 'bad guy'
It's very difficult to say 'no' to children. They can look so crushed and disappointed. Their woeful little faces tug at your heartstrings. Many parents feel like ogres when they are forced to lay down the law. They feel like the villains who have taken the sunshine out of their children's lives. But unfortunately, life's like that. It isn't all fun and games and doing whatever you want. And the sooner children learn this, the better. Naturally, the people elected to bring this home to them are their parents.
Children are never going to be happy about being disciplined. So even if you wish that you didn't have to encounter sulky faces and sullen behaviour every time you read them the riot act, it's not going to happen. Children are always going to think that you take a perverse pleasure in raining on their parade.
The trouble with being soft-hearted
The first thing soft-hearted parents need to realize is that when they stop their children from doing something that is not good for them, they are not being mean; they are being good parents. Children lack the maturity to see the big picture and will accuse you of being mean. But remain poker-faced and say to yourself that it is for their own good.
Disciplining a child is not being mean (even if your child says so). However, if in the course of disciplining your child you humiliate her or make nasty sweeping statements about her character, then you are being mean. In other words, discipline per se is not meanness, but your style of disciplining may be.
Parents who feel that they are ogres and feel guilty about disciplining their children are bound to come across as tentative, reluctant and unsure. Children are quick to pick up on the fact that you are 'softies' and will indulge in increasingly unruly behaviour knowing that you are reluctant to come down on them hard. Parents are only human and one day you are going to get fed up of being ignored and not taken seriously. Then all your simmering resentment will be expressed in an outburst when you will come down on them may be harder than they deserve. Then you will really be mean.
For the greater good
You have to understand that discipline is not an exhibition of vindictiveness as your children would like you to believe. Look upon it as an essential function of parenting. Your child may not want to take a tetanus shot, but your insistence is not meanness. You're just looking out for him.
Remember that as parents you're not always going to be your children's favourite people or win any popularity polls with them. They may say that they hate you and throw a hundred tantrums, but they soon forget and will be all smiles. But once you have both cooled down, make an attempt to talk to your child and discover why he said that he didn't like you. You will find that either it was just something he said in the heat of the moment and didn't mean it. On the other hand, you may discover some flaws in your disciplining technique that you need to rethink. However, keep in mind that it's more important to discipline them than to be in their good books.
