Self-respectistheassessmentapersonmakesofthemselves,evaluatingthemselvesontheirworthinesstoberespectedbyothers.Itisalsotheleveltowhichtheyrespectthemselves.Thoughitcouldbearguedthatboththethingsarecloselyintertwined,asyouendupinacycleof“Ideservetoberespectedbyotherstothisextent,soIwillrespectmyselftothesameextent”and“Irespectmyselfonlythismuchsowhywouldanyoneelserespectmemorethanthat”.Peopleinevitablyendupinthisviciouscyclewherehavinglowrespectendsyouinsituationswheretheyreinforcethecausesunderlyinglowlevelsofself-respectinthefirstplace.Itisessentiallyyouropinionaboutyourself,butitalsogreatlyinfluenceshowyoutreatyourselfandwhatkindofbehaviouryouallowtobedirectedtowardsyou.Self-respectalsomightbeasingleterm,butitisanamalgamationofvariousfactorssuchasyoursenseofidentity,yourlevelsofself-confidence(whichoftencoincidewithlevelsofself-respect)andfeelingsaboutyourcompetenceandbelonging.Andsinceitisacombination,italsoaffectsvarious(almostall)aspectsofyourlife.Hence,havinglowself-respectcanbecomeaseriousprobleminthewayyougetbyinlife.Self-respectalsobecomesalotmorethanasimpleassessmentofyourself,italsodetermineswhetherornotyoulikeyourself.,whetheryoubelieveyoudeserveloveandappreciation(whicheveryhumanneeds,andhavinglowself-respectcanmakeyoudenyyourselftheverythingyouneedforahealthyanddecentexistence),italsoaffectswhetherornotyourespectthepartsofyouthatmakeyouuniquelyyou-youthoughts,values,beliefs,opinions,feelings,interests,emotions,goalsetc...Itcanalsoaffectthemotivationyoumusteruptogoafterthethingsyouwantinlife,yourgoalsandideals,aswellasyourabilitytofosterhealthy,supportiverelationships.Listedbelowaresomecausesthatareusuallyfoundinpeoplewithlowself-respect.Justliketoremoveaweedyouhavetogettotherootofit,toimproveyourlowself-esteem,youcanfigureoutwhereitstemsfrominthefirstplaceandworkyourwayforward.Uninvolved/NegligentParents.Inalotofcases,especiallywhenwe’reyoung,thewayothersfeelaboutusandthekindofbehaviourtheyhavetowardsusgreatlyinfluencethewaywefeelaboutourselves–especiallyourparentsorguardians.Whileideally,everyoneshouldhavealovingfamily,noteveryoneisluckytohavethat.Somechildrenandteenagershavethemisfortuneofnothavingasupportiveenvironmentathome.Thatcouldbesimplyduetoneglect,orformoretroublesomereasonsliketheparent(s)orguardian(s)havingmentalhealthissues,couldbeharbouringanaddictionorsubstanceabuseproblems,orsomeotherproblemwheretheycannotprovidetheadequatecaretheirwardneeds.Thereisalotofemotionalandmentalinvestmentthatisrequiredofparents,likeasignificantamountofcarethatgoesbeyondbasicneeds,providingguidanceinanumberofways,andpayingattentiontoalotofdifferentaspects.Neglectinalltheseareasmightleaveachildfeelingunwanted,ornotworthyenoughfortheirparentstolovethem.Thiscanbeahugecauseoflackofself-respect,astheydon’tfeelrespectedbytheirparents.AuthorityfiguresinconflictIfparentsorguardians/caregiversfightormakeeachotherfeelmiserable,childrenimprintthenegativeemotionsandinternalizethedistrustfulsituationsthattheyexperience.Itcanscary,overwhelming,andintenseforchildrenandyoungadults.Thiseffectcanalsohappenwhenonlyoneparentisagitatedoractsunpredictablyaroundthechild.Childrenlearnoftheworldaroundthemfromtheirparentsorguardiansviaconsistency,andalackofthisconsistencycanthrowawrenchintheirlearningleadingtoalotofanxietyrelatedtotheuncertaintyoftheirsurroundings.Andiftheyweresubjectedtoexcessiveandrepeatedconflictsbetweenauthorityfigures,theymaybegintodevelopafeelingthattheycontributedtothefightsortotheirparent’spainfulcircumstances.Thiscancreateafeelingthat“theycauseproblemswherevertheygo”andcanleadtolowself-respect.Authorityfigures’disapprovalIfparents,guardiansorauthorityfiguresbelittleordismissanindividual’sachievements,especiallywhentheyhaveputasignificantamountofeffortintothem,theyareboundtostartbelievingthattheireffortsmeanverylittle.Thelackofencouragement,pairedwithshameandguiltenforcedonchildrenfor‘failing’canmakespaceforthethoughtofthemnotbeinggoodenoughintheirheads.Facingacademicchallengesandpressurewithoutsupportfromparents/guardiansWehaveallfacedacademicchallengesandfeelthepressuretosucceedacademically,anditcanbespine-breaking,especiallywhenwedon’tgetsupportfromthosewhoweexpecttosupportusorthosewhoaresupposedtoprovideforus.Itmayalsomakeusfeellikewedon’tdeservethatsupport,orthatweshouldn’tbetheneedingthesupportinthefirstplaceandthatthisissomethingwehavetofaceonourown,andwhenyoustruggleitreinforcesthethoughtthatyouaresomehownotgoodenough.Allofthesenaturallyleadtodeficienciesinself-respect.Asocialcirclethatmaybirthself-doubt. Wetendtoformourperspectiveoftheselfbasedonthewayourparentsorguardianstreatus,wealsotendtoviewourselvesthroughtheeyesofourpeers.“PeerPressure”caninterfereandinfluenceourself-imageandconsequentlyourself-respect.Whenyoujoinasocialgroupthatdoesnotmakeyoufeelgoodaboutyourselformakesyoufeellikeyoulackinsomeformorway,youconvinceyourselfofitbeingtrueaswell.Socialgroupscansometimesmakeyoufeellikeyouneedtobendtotheirwillstobeworthyoftheircompany,orbynotrespectingyou,bymakingyoudothingsyouhavemadeclearyouarenotcomfortablewith,orbynotlettingyouspeakofmakingfunofyourthoughts,opinionsandperspective.Suchthingscanmakeyoulikeyouare“lessthan”andcanbeverydamagingtothewayyouviewyourself,asyoustartbelievingyoudon’tdeserverespectandtherighttoembraceyourindividuality,whichleadsyoutolettingotherpeoplegetawaywithdisrespectingyouaswell.Trauma. Survivorsofabuse–beitphysical,emotional,sexualoracombinationofthese–leavesvictimswithfeelingsofshameandguiltforsimplybeingthemselves.Thiscanalsooftenleadtothevictimfeelingliketheydidsomehowinvitetheabusebysomethingtheydid,ortheylackedsomethingandweresomehowatfaultfortheirabusernotrespectingthemordeservingoftheloveandcareoftheabuser(andbyextension,others).Thisleadsthemtohavelowself-respect,andinsomecasesmakesthemvulnerabletomoresituationswheretheyletpeopleabusethemunlessthereisanintervention.Peoplewhohavesufferedabusecanalsohaveanxietyanddepressiondeeplyassociatedwiththeevent.Therapyandthesupportofthosearoundthemcanhelpthemnavigatetheprocessoftherapyandhealingandeventuallyleadapeacefullife.BodyImage.Thisconversationhasbeengoingonforawhilenow,anditcanbesafelystatedthatpeopleofallagesandaroundtheworldfeeltheneedtoadheretocertain“beautystandards”tofeelgoodaboutthemselvesandthewaytheylook.Whilethisissueisgravelymagnifiedforteenagers,astheyaregoingthroughaperiodofgrowingpainsandareespeciallylookingforvalidationfromoutwardsources,andfemalesespeciallygetmoreaffectedthankstomediasettingunhealthystandardsofbeauty,everyonecanhavebodyimageissuesatanystageinlife.Alotofteensalsosuccumbtoveryunhealthyhabitstomaintainacertain“bodytype”whichcanleadtoserioushealthissues-likeskippingmeals,purging(forcingthemselvestothrowupsothefoodisnotprocessedbytheirbodyandtheydon’tputonweight),smokingcigarettes,intensivefastingandusinglaxatives.Bodyimageplaysahugepartinpeople’sself-esteem.Fromaveryearlyage,weareexposedtotoxicstandardsofwhatanidealbodyshouldbelike,andsurroundedbyunrealisticimagesofwhatwomenoughttolooklike.Femalebodiesareconstantlyobjectifiedinthemedia,reducingtheirbodiestoaccessoriestomakesomethinglookpretty,implyingtheirbodyexistsforotherstolookat,touchetc…Andafterforminganopinionbasedonsuchstandards,peoplelookattheirownbodiesanddon’tseetheoverlap,theytendtofeelunattractiveorlackingadequatecharm.Youngwomenareinordinatelyaffectedbysuchbodyimageissues,youngmenaren’tthatfarbehindeither.Alotofyoungmenfindthemselvesstrugglingwithlowself-esteemduetotherepresentationofonly“buff”meninthemedia,thisalsoleadstounhealthyhabitsthatcanpresenthealthconcerns,likeexcessivegymingandfastingandcuttingoutcertaincomponentsfromtheirdietsinordertomatchthemusculaturetheyseeonprojectedidealmalesinthemedia.Menmaysometimesalsofeelconsciousabouttheirheight,somethingthatisn’treallyintheircontroleither.Thebottomlinehereis,unhappinessanddissatisfactionwiththewayonelookscouldalsobeasourceoflowself-respect.Theworldfeelstoobig. Thebiggestfoundationofself-respectisbuiltonfeelingsofself-efficacyandconfidenceinone’sowncompetencies.Butsometimestheworldstartsfeelingtoobig,andourplaceinitstartsfeelingtoosmall.Westartfeelingpowerlessorworthless,feelinglikeourcontributiontotheworldisinsignificantcomparedtoitsownsize.Thiscanbeespeciallydistressingforteenagersandyoungadultsastheyexperiencetheshiftofhavingtostepoutfromthe‘bubble’thattheyhavegrownupin,tothe‘real’worldwheretheyhavebecomefunctioningcitizensandapartofsociety.Whengoingthroughthis‘existentialcrisis’,ifonecannotanswersquestionsastowhattheirplaceintheworld,andwhatisthepointoftheirexistence-itcanchallengeone’ssenseofself-worthandtheycanendupfeelingliketheyarenotdoingenoughorfallshortindoingenoughforthewidercontexttheyareapartof,leadingtolowerself-respect.Unrealisticstandards. Regardlessofwhetherthesestandardsaresetbyoneself,ortheirparentsorauthorityfiguresoreventheirpeers,failuretoachievethesestandardscanproducefeelingsofinadequacyandfeelingliketheyhaveletthemselvesorthosearoundthemdown.Someyoungpeopleexpectwaytoomuchofthemselves,beyondwhatisrealisticallypossible,intermsofacademicachievement,extracurricularandco-curricularactivitiesand/orstatusintheirpeergrouphierarchy.ThosewhomaynotbeacademicallyinclinedmayfeeltheneedtoscorestraightA’sallthetimeintoimpresstheirparents/teachers;ontheotherhand,thosewhoperformwellacademicallymaypushthemselvestotakeontoomanyextracurricularstobecomean“all-rounder”.Theinevitablefailuretomeetgoalsthatareunrealisticinthefirstplaceoftenleadstofeelinglikeyouareafailureingeneral,hencelowself-respect.Badchoicesinthepast. Mistakes,andconsequentregrets,ofthepasthauntallofus.Unfortunately,sometimeswetrapourselvesinapatternofbehaviourwefindhardtobreakfrom.Evenmoreunfortunately,evenifyoudomanagetobreakyourselffreefromthecircleofthatbehaviour,yousometimescan’thelpbutuseyourpastbehaviourtodefinethekindofpersonyouare.Maybeyouweren’texactlyamodelstudentinschool,andyoustillholdyourselfresponsiblefornotdoingwellenoughandbelieveyourselftobe“lazy”.Maybeyouweren’taverypresentfriendinthepast,andyoustillfeellikeyouneedtomakeupforit.Youmightendupdislikingyourselfforthepersonyouwereinthepast,butitisimportanttorealiseyouhavegrownpastthat.Whenpeopledon’trealisethat,theystoptryingtochangeandcontinuetomakechoicesthatreinforcetheirassumptions,leadingtolowerself-respect.Self-fulfilingnegativethoughtpatterns. Regardlessofpastbehaviourstoo,whenwestartthinkingoffeelingaboutourselvesacertainway,itbecomesahabittocontinuetothinkthatway.Ourbrainstendtocontinuetodothingsinstinctuallyonceyouhavedoneitafewtimestosaveonthecognitiveenergyi.ewefallintohabitsveryquickly. Soifyoutellyourselfyouarenotgoodenougheverytimeyouaremetwithachallenge,thenexttimeyouaremetwithachallengeyourbrainautomaticallyfeedsyoutheloopthatwentthroughyourbrainlasttime.Ifyouthinkaboutyourselfasworthlessorinferior,orifyoucontinuallythinknegativethoughtsandsaynegativethingsdirectedtoyourself,thenyou’relikelytocontinuefeelingandthinkingthesamewayunlessyoucreatedisruptioninthatpatternbychallengingandrationalisingyournegativethoughtsandfeelingsaboutyourself.Themaincauseoflowself-respecthereisthatthebraincanlearninaccuratepatternsoffeelingsandmemories.
Self-respect is the assessment a person makes of themselves, evaluating themselves on their worthiness to be respected by others. It is also the level to which they respect themselves. Though it could be argued that both the things are closely intertwined, as you end up in a cycle of “I deserve to be respected by others to this extent, so I will respect myself to the same extent” and “I respect myself only this much so why would anyone else respect me more than that”. People inevitably end up in this vicious cycle where having low respect ends you in situations where they reinforce the causes underlying low levels of self-respect in the first place.
It is essentially your opinion about yourself, but it also greatly influences how you treat yourself and what kind of behaviour you allow to be directed towards you. Self-respect also might be a single term, but it is an amalgamation of various factors such as your sense of identity, your levels of self-confidence(which often coincide with levels of self-respect) and feelings about your competence and belonging.
And since it is a combination, it also affects various (almost all) aspects of your life. Hence, having low self-respect can become a serious problem in the way you get by in life.
Self-respect also becomes a lot more than a simple assessment of yourself, it also determines whether or not you like yourself., whether you believe you deserve love and appreciation (which every human needs, and having low self-respect can make you deny yourself the very thing you need for a healthy and decent existence), it also affects whether or not you respect the parts of you that make you uniquely you - you thoughts, values, beliefs, opinions, feelings, interests, emotions, goals etc...
It can also affect the motivation you muster up to go after the things you want in life, your goals and ideals, as well as your ability to foster healthy, supportive relationships.
Listed below are some causes that are usually found in people with low self-respect. Just like to remove a weed you have to get to the root of it, to improve your low self-esteem, you can figure out where it stems from in the first place and work your way forward.
Uninvolved/Negligent Parents.
In a lot of cases, especially when we’re young, the way others feel about us and the kind of behaviour they have towards us greatly influence the way we feel about ourselves – especially our parents or guardians. While ideally, everyone should have a loving family, not everyone is lucky to have that. Some children and teenagers have the misfortune of not having a supportive environment at home. That could be simply due to neglect, or for more troublesome reasons like the parent(s) or guardian(s) having mental health issues, could be harbouring an addiction or substance abuse problems, or some other problem where they cannot provide the adequate care their ward needs.
There is a lot of emotional and mental investment that is required of parents, like a significant amount of care that goes beyond basic needs, providing guidance in a number of ways, and paying attention to a lot of different aspects. Neglect in all these areas might leave a child feeling unwanted, or not worthy enough for their parents to love them. This can be a huge cause of lack of self-respect, as they don’t feel respected by their parents.
Authority figures in conflict
If parents or guardians/caregivers fight or make each other feel miserable, children imprint the negative emotions and internalize the distrustful situations that they experience. It can scary, overwhelming, and intense for children and young adults. This effect can also happen when only one parent is agitated or acts unpredictably around the child. Children learn of the world around them from their parents or guardians via consistency, and a lack of this consistency can throw a wrench in their learning leading to a lot of anxiety related to the uncertainty of their surroundings. And if they were subjected to excessive and repeated conflicts between authority figures, they may begin to develop a feeling that they contributed to the fights or to their parent’s painful circumstances. This can create a feeling that “they cause problems wherever they go” and can lead to low self-respect.
Authority figures’ disapproval
If parents, guardians or authority figures belittle or dismiss an individual’s achievements, especially when they have put a significant amount of effort into them, they are bound to start believing that their efforts mean very little. The lack of encouragement, paired with shame and guilt enforced on children for ‘failing’ can make space for the thought of them not being good enough in their heads.
Facing academic challenges and pressure without support from parents/guardians
We have all faced academic challenges and feel the pressure to succeed academically, and it can be spine-breaking, especially when we don’t get support from those who we expect to support us or those who are supposed to provide for us. It may also make us feel like we don’t deserve that support, or that we shouldn’t be the needing the support in the first place and that this is something we have to face on our own, and when you struggle it reinforces the thought that you are somehow not good enough. All of these naturally lead to deficiencies in self-respect.
A social circle that may birth self-doubt.
We tend to form our perspective of the self based on the way our parents or guardians treat us, we also tend to view ourselves through the eyes of our peers. “Peer Pressure” can interfere and influence our self-image and consequently our self-respect. When you join a social group that does not make you feel good about yourself or makes you feel like you lack in some form or way, you convince yourself of it being true as well. Social groups can sometimes make you feel like you need to bend to their wills to be worthy of their company, or by not respecting you, by making you do things you have made clear you are not comfortable with, or by not letting you speak of making fun of your thoughts, opinions and perspective. Such things can make you like you are “less than” and can be very damaging to the way you view yourself, as you start believing you don’t deserve respect and the right to embrace your individuality, which leads you to letting other people get away with disrespecting you as well.
Trauma.
Survivors of abuse – be it physical, emotional, sexual or a combination of these – leaves victims with feelings of shame and guilt for simply being themselves. This can also often lead to the victim feeling like they did somehow invite the abuse by something they did, or they lacked something and were somehow at fault for their abuser not respecting them or deserving of the love and care of the abuser ( and by extension, others). This leads them to have low self-respect, and in some cases makes them vulnerable to more situations where they let people abuse them unless there is an intervention. People who have suffered abuse can also have anxiety and depression deeply associated with the event. Therapy and the support of those around them can help them navigate the process of therapy and healing and eventually lead a peaceful life.
Body Image.
This conversation has been going on for a while now, and it can be safely stated that people of all ages and around the world feel the need to adhere to certain “beauty standards” to feel good about themselves and the way they look. While this issue is gravely magnified for teenagers, as they are going through a period of growing pains and are especially looking for validation from outward sources, and females especially get more affected thanks to media setting unhealthy standards of beauty, everyone can have body image issues at any stage in life. A lot of teens also succumb to very unhealthy habits to maintain a certain “body type” which can lead to serious health issues - like skipping meals, purging(forcing themselves to throw up so the food is not processed by their body and they don’t put on weight), smoking cigarettes, intensive fasting and using laxatives.
Body image plays a huge part in people’s self-esteem. From a very early age, we are exposed to toxic standards of what an ideal body should be like, and surrounded by unrealistic images of what women ought to look like. Female bodies are constantly objectified in the media, reducing their bodies to accessories to make something look pretty, implying their body exists for others to look at, touch etc… And after forming an opinion based on such standards, people look at their own bodies and don’t see the overlap, they tend to feel unattractive or lacking adequate charm.
Young women are inordinately affected by such body image issues, young men aren’t that far behind either. A lot of young men find themselves struggling with low self-esteem due to the representation of only “buff” men in the media, this also leads to unhealthy habits that can present health concerns, like excessive gyming and fasting and cutting out certain components from their diets in order to match the musculature they see on projected ideal males in the media. Men may sometimes also feel conscious about their height, something that isn’t really in their control either.
The bottom line here is, unhappiness and dissatisfaction with the way one looks could also be a source of low self-respect.
The world feels too big.
The biggest foundation of self-respect is built on feelings of self-efficacy and confidence in one’s own competencies. But sometimes the world starts feeling too big, and our place in it starts feeling too small. We start feeling powerless or worthless, feeling like our contribution to the world is insignificant compared to its own size. This can be especially distressing for teenagers and young adults as they experience the shift of having to step out from the ‘bubble’ that they have grown up in, to the ‘real’ world where they have become functioning citizens and a part of society. When going through this ‘existential crisis’, if one cannot answers questions as to what their place in the world, and what is the point of their existence - it can challenge one’s sense of self-worth and they can end up feeling like they are not doing enough or fall short in doing enough for the wider context they are a part of, leading to lower self-respect.
Unrealistic standards.
Regardless of whether these standards are set by oneself, or their parents or authority figures or even their peers, failure to achieve these standards can produce feelings of inadequacy and feeling like they have let themselves or those around them down.
Some young people expect way too much of themselves, beyond what is realistically possible, in terms of academic achievement, extracurricular and co-curricular activities and/or status in their peer group hierarchy. Those who may not be academically inclined may feel the need to score straight A’s all the time in to impress their parents/ teachers; on the other hand, those who perform well academically may push themselves to take on too many extracurriculars to become an “all-rounder”. The inevitable failure to meet goals that are unrealistic in the first place often leads to feeling like you are a failure in general, hence low self-respect.
Bad choices in the past.
Mistakes, and consequent regrets, of the past haunt all of us. Unfortunately, sometimes we trap ourselves in a pattern of behaviour we find hard to break from. Even more unfortunately, even if you do manage to break yourself free from the circle of that behaviour, you sometimes can’t help but use your past behaviour to define the kind of person you are. Maybe you weren’t exactly a model student in school, and you still hold yourself responsible for not doing well enough and believe yourself to be “lazy”. Maybe you weren’t a very present friend in the past, and you still feel like you need to make up for it. You might end up disliking yourself for the person you were in the past, but it is important to realise you have grown past that. When people don’t realise that, they stop trying to change and continue to make choices that reinforce their assumptions, leading to lower self-respect.
Self-fulfiling negative thought patterns.
Regardless of past behaviours too, when we start thinking of feeling about ourselves a certain way, it becomes a habit to continue to think that way. Our brains tend to continue to do things instinctually once you have done it a few times to save on the cognitive energy i.e we fall into habits very quickly. So if you tell yourself you are not good enough every time you are met with a challenge, the next time you are met with a challenge your brain automatically feeds you the loop that went through your brain last time.
If you think about yourself as worthless or inferior, or if you continually think negative thoughts and say negative things directed to yourself, then you’re likely to continue feeling and thinking the same way unless you create disruption in that pattern by challenging and rationalising your negative thoughts and feelings about yourself. The main cause of low self-respect here is that the brain can learn inaccurate patterns of feelings and memories.
