Self-respectreferstohavingconfidenceinyourselfwhichleadstogracefulbehaviour,andlifeleadwithhonouranddignity.Lowself-respectwillnegativelyaffecteveryaspectofyourlife,beityourpersonallifeyaffectingrelationshipsandhealth,oryourprofessionallifebyaffectingyourproductivityandyourjob.Buttherearesomesimplewaysyoucanimproveyourself-esteem-bothbysomequicktricksandsomeshiftsinyouroutlookorthinkingpatterns(byunderstandingsometenetsofmentalhealthcounselling)Alackofself-respect,unfortunately,tendstomoveinaself-fullingprophecycircle.Theworsewefeelaboutwhoweare,thelesscapableandconfidentwefeelinourselvesthemorelikelywearetohavetroubledoingthingsweneedtodotobuildourself-esteemandself-respect.Herearesometweakswewillhavetomaketoouroutlooktoimproveourself-respect,inspiredbycognitivebehaviouraltherapy.1.Identifywhatistroublingyou.Tracktheeventsorthoughtsthatstartyourcycleofthoughtsthatdon’tmakeyoufeeltoogoodaboutyourself.Whatsituationorhappeningseemedtodeflateyourself-esteem.Forexample,maybeyouhadapresentationatworkorschoolandintheprocessofmakingityoustartedthinkingthatitisn’tgoodenoughandyouwon’tbeabletopresentitverywell.Maybeyouhadanaltercationwithyoursupervisororhadafightwithafamilymemberorspouse,whichmadeyouthinkyouarenotagoodemployeeorspouse.Maybethereisabiglifechangecominguporonethatyouhaverecentlybeenthroughwhichhasleadyoutothinkyouaren’tascapabletodealwithdifferentcircumstancesasyouthought.Whateveritis,trytoidentifytheroot,thethoughtthatisstartingthiscircleofnegativeself-thoughtcycle.2.Beself-aware,thinkthroughyourthoughtsandbeliefsOnceyouvefiguredoutwhicheventsaretheonessettingoffthecycleofnegativethoughtsdirectedtowardsyourself,trytopayattentiontowhatyouthinkaboutthesesituations.Trytocategorisethesethoughtsintotwocategories-self-talki.ewhatareyoutellingyourselfaboutthesituation(“I’mnotgoodenoughforthepresentation”or“ThisisabadsituationbutIcanfigureouthowtofixit”)andyourappraisali.eyourinterpretationofthesituationandwhatitmeansforyou.Theymightbepositive,negativeorneutral.Theymightberational,i.ereasonableandcanbeexplainedwithfactsanddebate,orirrationali.eyoucan’treallyexplainitbutyoustillthinkthatway.Theeasiestwaytotacklesuchthoughts,andmakethemnotbotheryouasmuchastheydo,istoaskyourself-“isittrue?”Well,wearetheonesthinkingthem,sotheyaredefinitelytruetous,sohowdowedistinguish?Timetostepoutfromyourshoesandstepintosomeoneelse’s,askyourselfifyouwouldbeokaywithyourfriendthinkingthesethingsaboutthemselvesiftheywereinthesamesituationasyou?Ifnot,thendon’tletthesethoughtsgettoyoueither.3.Challengethinkingthatisirrationalormakesyoufeelworseaboutyourself.Understandthatyourfirstreactiontosomethingdoesn’thavetobeyourlastreactionaswell.Thereisnoonewaytoviewanevent,therewillalwaysbemultipleperspectives.Sotrytoadoptaperspectiveclosesttowhatactuallyhappenedandonethatisnotaffectedbyyourownassumptions.Askyourselfifyourperspectiveistheonethatisclosesttofacts,orifthesameeventcouldhaveanotherplausibleexplanationwhichinsomecasesmaybeonethatdoesnotmakeyoufeelworseaboutyourself.Itisalsounderstandablethatrationalthinkingiseasiersaidthandoneandsometimesbeliefsandthoughtpatternswehaveheldontoforalongtimecanbehardtoshed.Ifasituationistrulybotheringyou,andyoucan’tseemtobesureifyouarebeingrationalaboutit,writingthesituationfromathird-personperspectivecanhelpsometimes.Anotherthingtolookoutforistoidentifythoughtpatternsthataredirectlyharmfultoself-esteem,oronesthatleadyoutoadefinitivestatementthatisnegative.Likethoughtsthatfocusonlyonthenegatives,“Icouldnotdo---,whichmeansIamcompletelyincapable”Noyouarenotcompletelyincapable,outof10thingsifyouhaven’tyetfiguredouthowto1thins,itjustmeansyouknowhowtodo9things,itdoesn’tmeanyoucan’tevendoonething.Sometimesyourthoughtpatternsmayconvinceyouthatsomethingpositivedoesn’tcount,forexample,“IonlycookedthatdishwellbecausetheingredientswerefreshandIhadarecipe”Eveniftheingredientswerefreshandyouhadaverymeticulousrecipe,youstillwentthroughthetroubletogatherthoseingredientsandfollowtherecipeproperlyforthedishtohaveturnedoutwell.Atothertimeswemightjumptotheworstconclusionlike“Theydidn’tsaythattheywillcontactmeaftertheinterview,Iwon’tgetthatjob”wheninrealitytheinterviewermighthavesimplyforgottentosayit,giventhattheymustbefatiguedfrominterviewingmanycandidates.Differentiatefeelingsfromidentifiers,“I’mfeelingsad,soI’masadperson”Self-deprecatinghumourisalsosomethingpeopleusebutrefrainfromit,themoreyoutalknegativelyaboutyourself,themoreyoustartbelievingit.4.Replacethoughtswedon’twantwiththoughtswedowant.Nowthatwehavefiguredoutwhichthoughtscauseharm,wecanreplacethemwiththoughtsthatdon’tharmyourself-esteem.Someways:-Useofhopefulstatements-Talktoyourselflikeyouwouldtalktoafriend,kindlyandencouragingly.“Thepresentationwillgowell,I’mpreparedandIcandoit”-Forgiveyourself. Weallarehumans,weallmakemistakes.Insteadofbeatingyourselfoveramistake,trytolearnfromitandtrynottodoitagain.-Thereareno“should”or“must”.Don’tusesuchwordstosetyourgoals,theymakeitsoundliketheendoftheworld-whichtheyarenot.Don’tputmoreunfairexpectationsonyourself.-Shiftyourlenstofocusonthepositives.Remindyourselfofthingsyouaregoodat,thingsyoudowell.-Evaluatetheaftermath.Wasthesituationreallyasbadasyouthoughtitwasgoingtobeordiditturnoutokay?Remindyourselfofthisevaluationthenexttimeyougetnervous.-Trytoupturnthesituation.“Thissituationisstressful”thenaskyourselfwhatcanyoudotomakeitlessstressful.-Giveyourselfcreditwhenitisdue.Ifyouaccomplishedataskyouwerenervousabout,treatyourself.Thesestepsmightbeawkwardtofollowatfirst,itmighttakeyoualongtimetoevenidentifyanddissectyourthoughtsatfirstbecausewetendtogetverycomfortablewiththewaywealreadythink,butitisworthitasitisaninvestmentinyourself.Onceyoudevelopaknackforidentifyingthesethoughts,youwillalsoquicklylearntocounterthem.Anditwillhelpyoubuildself-esteem,andhelpyouacceptyourvalue,thatyouareworthy.Thesewerechangesyouneedtomakeinyourperspective,outlookandthoughts.Sincethesearesuchbigpartsofwhoweare,changesinthesealsotakesometime.Youwillhavetoworkontheseforasignificantamountoftimetoseeadifference.Anditcanbediscouraging,andsomemightnothavethepatience,sohereare20quickwaystogiveyourself-esteemandinturnyourself-respectaboost.1.Learnanewskill.Abigchunkofourself-esteemrestsonourcapabilities,sogoaheadandtryanewskill,itisboundtomakeyoufeelbetterasitincreasesyoursenseofcompetence.2.Listoutallyouraccomplishments.Itcanbeveryeasytoslipintothesamethoughtprocessthatmakesyoufeelbadaboutyourself,sotrytocombatitbyremindingyourselfofthingsthatmakeyoufeelgoodaboutyourself.Sitdownandwritedownallyourachievements,everythingthatyouareproudof.Youdon’thavetofinishitinonesitting,writedownafewfirstandaddtoitwheneveryouremembersomethingordosomething.Andcomebacktothislistwheneveryoustartfeeling“lessworthy”aboutyourself.3.Indulgeinsomethingcreative.Creativetasksforceyourbrainintoactivemode,firingupthoseneurons!Italsohelpsyouredirectalltheenergyyouwouldhavelostfeelingbadaboutyourselfintoaproductiveoutlet.Trytopaint,evenifyoulackartisticskill,justtry(youcouldlearnpaintingtoo,thatislearningaskill!)toplayaroundwiththecolours.Trytowritesomething,andifyoucannotthinkofsomethingtherearemanywebsitesthatwillprovideyouwithpromptsforstoriesandpoetry.Tryscrapbookingorjournaling!Takeupadanceclass,orbuyapairofrollerskatesandheadtotheclosestopenspacewithlevelground.Gowatchaplayorreadabookaboutastronomy.Challengesaregoodforthebrain,anddoingthatnewthingwillalsoaddtoyourself-esteemforhavingdonesomethingyouhadn’tdonebefore.4.Challengeyourownbeliefs.Everytimeyouthinksomethingnegativeofyourself,stopandaskisittrueorisitsomethingIamusedto?Youcouldmakeagameoutofit,forevery20thoughtsthatyouremembertostopandevaluate,giveyourselfatinytreat-likewatchingthatYouTubevideoyouhavebeenfindingthe“right”timetowatch,oreatingthatnicecandyyouweresavingforlater.5.Helpsomeonethatyoucan.Helpingothersalwaysfeelsgood,youfeellikeyouarebeingusefultoothers.Trytooffersomeoneyourassistance,evenbetterifhelpingthemrequiresyoutouseyourknowledgeandskills.6.Catchyourselfeverytimeyoufindyourselfofwhatothersmightbethinkingaboutyou.Worryingaboutwhatothersthinkofyouwillneverhelp,givenwedon’treallyhavethepowertochangeanything.Thinkingaboutwhatothersthinkandwhatotherswantfromyoumakesyouchangeyourbehaviour,andyouarenevertrulyyourself.Embraceyourselfcompletelyandyouwillfeelbetteraboutyourself.7.Read.Readabook,anarticle,thenewspaper,ablog,anythingthatyoulike.Notonlywillyouquitelikelylearnsomethingnew,italsostimulatesyourbrainandgivesitsomethingtothinkabout,henceyouarelesslikelytothinkaboutyourselfnegatively.8.Defineyourintegrity.Sometimesnegativethoughtsfindspaceandclutterupyourmind,thekeyistokeepyourmindoccupied.Tryanddefinewhatlivingalifewithintegritymeanstoyou,andtrytofigureoutthechangesinyourlifestyleyoucanmaketobetteralignthemwithyourgoals.9.Reduceandeliminateinteractionswithnegativepeople.Weoftentimescomeacrosspeopleinourliveswhotendtobeverypessimistic.Theycanbeverydrainingtodealwith,andunknowinglybringdownyourmoraleaswell.Sometimestheyareoutrightrude,trytoputyoudownortrytotakeadvantageofyou.Whileitmightbedifficultseverties,trytoreduceandeventuallyeliminatethemfromhavingasayinyourlife.Trytosurroundyourselfwithsupportivepeople,whomakeyoufeelbetteraboutyourself,itwilldowondersforyourself-esteem.10.DrawupBoundaries.Itisimportanttoestablishyourboundaries,don’tletothersdictatewhatyoushouldorshouldnotdo.Respectingyourselfalsomeanstrustingyourselftomakedecisionsandseeingthemthrough,don’tletothersencroachyourspace.11.Oneactofcareforyourself.Thequickestwaytofeelbetteraboutyourselfistomakeyourselflookbetter.Getahaircut,maybedyeyourhair(beadvisedabouttheside-effectsofbleach),orwearadressthatyouknowyoulookgoodin.Itcouldbeafacemaskorhairpacktooorfindoutyourskincareroutine.Whateveritis,dosomethingthatmakesyoufeelbetteraboutyourself. 12.Holdontoyourcuriosity.Keepyourmindopenandapproacheverythingwithcuriosity.Trytothinkofeverythingaroundyouinanewlight,trytothinkofitfromtheoppositeperspective.Youmightendupwithinsights,andyouwillbeproudtohavereachedthemonyourown.13.Faceafear.AndIdon’tmeanaphobia.Butsomethingthatyouareafraidof,orarenervousabout.Letyourselffeelthatnervousnessbutmoveforwardanyway.Forexample,Ifeelveryuncomfortableonphonecalls,butIforcemyselfthroughitanywayandfeelmuchmuchbetteronceitisbehindme,andIfeelproudofmyselfforgoingthroughit.
Self-respect refers to having confidence in yourself which leads to graceful behaviour, and life lead with honour and dignity.
Low self-respect will negatively affect every aspect of your life, be it your personal life y affecting relationships and health, or your professional life by affecting your productivity and your job. But there are some simple ways you can improve your self-esteem - both by some quick tricks and some shifts in your outlook or thinking patterns (by understanding some tenets of mental health counselling)
A lack of self-respect, unfortunately, tends to move in a self-fulling prophecy circle. The worse we feel about who we are, the less capable and confident we feel in ourselves the more likely we are to have trouble doing things we need to do to build our self-esteem and self-respect.
Here are some tweaks we will have to make to our outlook to improve our self-respect, inspired by cognitive behavioural therapy.
1. Identify what is troubling you.
Track the events or thoughts that start your cycle of thoughts that don’t make you feel too good about yourself. What situation or happening seemed to deflate your self-esteem. For example, maybe you had a presentation at work or school and in the process of making it you started thinking that it isn’t good enough and you won’t be able to present it very well. Maybe you had an altercation with your supervisor or had a fight with a family member or spouse, which made you think you are not a good employee or spouse. Maybe there is a big life change coming up or one that you have recently been through which has lead you to think you aren’t as capable to deal with different circumstances as you thought. Whatever it is, try to identify the root, the thought that is starting this circle of negative self-thought cycle.
2. Be self-aware, think through your thoughts and beliefs
Once you've figured out which events are the ones setting off the cycle of negative thoughts directed towards yourself, try to pay attention to what you think about these situations. Try to categorise these thoughts into two categories - self-talk i.e what are you telling yourself about the situation (“I’m not good enough for the presentation” or “This is a bad situation but I can figure out how to fix it”) and your appraisal i.e your interpretation of the situation and what it means for you. They might be positive, negative or neutral. They might be rational, i.e reasonable and can be explained with facts and debate, or irrational i.e you can’t really explain it but you still think that way.
The easiest way to tackle such thoughts, and make them not bother you as much as they do, is to ask yourself - “ is it true?” Well, we are the ones thinking them, so they are definitely true to us, so how do we distinguish? Time to step out from your shoes and step into someone else’s, ask yourself if you would be okay with your friend thinking these things about themselves if they were in the same situation as you? If not, then don’t let these thoughts get to you either.
3. Challenge thinking that is irrational or makes you feel worse about yourself.
Understand that your first reaction to something doesn’t have to be your last reaction as well. There is no one way to view an event, there will always be multiple perspectives. So try to adopt a perspective closest to what actually happened and one that is not affected by your own assumptions. Ask yourself if your perspective is the one that is closest to facts, or if the same event could have another plausible explanation which in some cases may be one that does not make you feel worse about yourself.
It is also understandable that rational thinking is easier said than done and sometimes beliefs and thought patterns we have held onto for a long time can be hard to shed. If a situation is truly bothering you, and you can’t seem to be sure if you are being rational about it, writing the situation from a third-person perspective can help sometimes.
Another thing to look out for is to identify thought patterns that are directly harmful to self-esteem, or ones that lead you to a definitive statement that is negative.
Like thoughts that focus only on the negatives, “I could not do ---, which means I am completely incapable” No you are not completely incapable, out of 10 things if you haven’t yet figured out how to 1 thins, it just means you know how to do 9 things, it doesn’t mean you can’t even do one thing.
Sometimes your thought patterns may convince you that something positive doesn’t count, for example, “I only cooked that dish well because the ingredients were fresh and I had a recipe” Even if the ingredients were fresh and you had a very meticulous recipe, you still went through the trouble to gather those ingredients and follow the recipe properly for the dish to have turned out well.
At other times we might jump to the worst conclusion like “ They didn’t say that they will contact me after the interview, I won’t get that job” when in reality the interviewer might have simply forgotten to say it, given that they must be fatigued from interviewing many candidates.
Differentiate feelings from identifiers, “I’m feeling sad, so I’m a sad person”
Self-deprecating humour is also something people use but refrain from it, the more you talk negatively about yourself, the more you start believing it.
4. Replace thoughts we don’t want with thoughts we do want.
Now that we have figured out which thoughts cause harm, we can replace them with thoughts that don’t harm your self-esteem. Some ways:
- Use of hopeful statements - Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend, kindly and encouragingly. “The presentation will go well, I’m prepared and I can do it”
- Forgive yourself. We all are humans, we all make mistakes. Instead of beating yourself over a mistake, try to learn from it and try not to do it again.
- There are no “should” or “must”. Don’t use such words to set your goals, they make it sound like the end of the world - which they are not. Don’t put more unfair expectations on yourself.
- Shift your lens to focus on the positives. Remind yourself of things you are good at, things you do well.
- Evaluate the aftermath. Was the situation really as bad as you thought it was going to be or did it turn out okay? Remind yourself of this evaluation the next time you get nervous.
- Try to upturn the situation. “This situation is stressful” then ask yourself what can you do to make it less stressful.
- Give yourself credit when it is due. If you accomplished a task you were nervous about, treat yourself.
These steps might be awkward to follow at first, it might take you a long time to even identify and dissect your thoughts at first because we tend to get very comfortable with the way we already think, but it is worth it as it is an investment in yourself. Once you develop a knack for identifying these thoughts, you will also quickly learn to counter them. And it will help you build self-esteem, and help you accept your value, that you are worthy.
These were changes you need to make in your perspective, outlook and thoughts. Since these are such big parts of who we are, changes in these also take some time. You will have to work on these for a significant amount of time to see a difference. And it can be discouraging, and some might not have the patience, so here are 20 quick ways to give your self-esteem and in turn your self-respect a boost.
1. Learn a new skill.
A big chunk of our self-esteem rests on our capabilities, so go ahead and try a new skill, it is bound to make you feel better as it increases your sense of competence.
2. List out all your accomplishments.
It can be very easy to slip into the same thought process that makes you feel bad about yourself, so try to combat it by reminding yourself of things that make you feel good about yourself. Sit down and write down all your achievements, everything that you are proud of. You don’t have to finish it in one sitting, write down a few first and add to it whenever you remember something or do something. And come back to this list whenever you start feeling “less worthy” about yourself.
3. Indulge in something creative.
Creative tasks force your brain into active mode, firing up those neurons! It also helps you redirect all the energy you would have lost feeling bad about yourself into a productive outlet. Try to paint, even if you lack artistic skill, just try (you could learn painting too, that is learning a skill!) to play around with the colours. Try to write something, and if you cannot think of something there are many websites that will provide you with prompts for stories and poetry. Try scrapbooking or journaling! Take up a dance class, or buy a pair of roller skates and head to the closest open space with level ground. Go watch a play or read a book about astronomy. Challenges are good for the brain, and doing that new thing will also add to your self-esteem for having done something you hadn’t done before.
4. Challenge your own beliefs.
Every time you think something negative of yourself, stop and ask is it true or is it something I am used to? You could make a game out of it, for every 20 thoughts that you remember to stop and evaluate, give yourself a tiny treat - like watching that YouTube video you have been finding the “right” time to watch, or eating that nice candy you were saving for later.
5. Help someone that you can.
Helping others always feels good, you feel like you are being useful to others. Try to offer someone your assistance, even better if helping them requires you to use your knowledge and skills.
6. Catch yourself every time you find yourself of what others might be thinking about you.
Worrying about what others think of you will never help, given we don’t really have the power to change anything. Thinking about what others think and what others want from you makes you change your behaviour, and you are never truly yourself. Embrace yourself completely and you will feel better about yourself.
7. Read.
Read a book, an article, the newspaper, a blog, anything that you like. Not only will you quite likely learn something new, it also stimulates your brain and gives it something to think about, hence you are less likely to think about yourself negatively.
8. Define your integrity.
Sometimes negative thoughts find space and clutter up your mind, the key is to keep your mind occupied. Try and define what living a life with integrity means to you, and try to figure out the changes in your lifestyle you can make to better align them with your goals.
9. Reduce and eliminate interactions with negative people.
We oftentimes come across people in our lives who tend to be very pessimistic. They can be very draining to deal with, and unknowingly bring down your morale as well. Sometimes they are outright rude, try to put you down or try to take advantage of you. While it might be difficult sever ties, try to reduce and eventually eliminate them from having a say in your life. Try to surround yourself with supportive people, who make you feel better about yourself, it will do wonders for your self-esteem.
10. Draw up Boundaries.
It is important to establish your boundaries, don’t let others dictate what you should or should not do. Respecting yourself also means trusting yourself to make decisions and seeing them through, don’t let others encroach your space.
11. One act of care for yourself.
The quickest way to feel better about yourself is to make yourself look better. Get a haircut, maybe dye your hair (be advised about the side-effects of bleach), or wear a dress that you know you look good in. It could be a face mask or hair pack too or find out your skincare routine. Whatever it is, do something that makes you feel better about yourself.
12. Hold on to your curiosity.
Keep your mind open and approach everything with curiosity. Try to think of everything around you in a new light, try to think of it from the opposite perspective. You might end up with insights, and you will be proud to have reached them on your own.
13. Face a fear.
And I don’t mean a phobia. But something that you are afraid of, or are nervous about. Let yourself feel that nervousness but move forward anyway. For example, I feel very uncomfortable on phone calls, but I force myself through it anyway and feel much much better once it is behind me, and I feel proud of myself for going through it.
