Respectistobeextendedtoeveryone.Everyonedeservesacertaindegreeofrespect,purelybyvirtueofbeingahuman.Butthenhowdowedifferentiatebetweenthewaywerespectsomeonewho,sayopenedthedoorforyouatashopversusthewayyourespectaclosefriendwhohasbeenthereforyouforalongtime?Thereisadifferenceinthewayyourespectthesetwoindividuals,andthewayyoudifferentiateitisinthewayyouexpressyourrespecttothem.Forthepersonwhoheldthedooropenforyouatashop,youcouldsimplysmileatthemandnod,orevensaythanks.Butafterthat,yougoonwithyourday.Foryourclosefriend,ontheotherhand,yourwayofshowingrespecthastobemoreinvestedtoreciprocatetheirimportancetoyou.Sobeingrespectfultothemwouldinvolvebeingagoodfriend,beingkindtothem,beingconsiderateoftheirfeelings,beingthereforthemwhentheyneedyouetc…Sowhatwecansayisthatwhilethereisageneralsenseofrespectthateveryonedeserves,thereexistsanotherkindofrespectthattakesmoreeffort,onboththereceiver’send(theyneedtobeapersonworthyofthiskindofrespect)aswellasthegiver’send(thepersonextendingrespectalsohastoinvestthemselvesinawaythatexpressesthedegreeofrespecttheyintendtocommunicate)thatismoreintensethanthegeneralvarietyofrespect.Hence,weshoulddiscusswhatkindofpeopleshouldweextendthesecondkindofrespectto.Whataretheattributesofapersonwhocommandsthedegreeofrespectthatpeoplewouldwanttogoaboveandbeyondthegeneralsenseofrespectfor?Herearesomeofthoseattributes:1.Peoplewhoarepolite.Ifyoucomeacrosssomeonewhoispolitetoeveryonetheymeetduringtheday,fromtheirfamilymembers(wellyoumightnotnecessarilybeabletowitnesstheirinteractionwiththeirfamilymembers,butthewaytheytalkabouttheirfamilymembersandtheirfamilylifealsospeaksalot)totheirco-workers,tosomeonewhoprovidesthemwithaservicesuchasacheckoutpersonatthegrocerystore,isobjectivelyapersonworthyofyourrespect.Anindividualthatgivesothersthesamerespectthey’dliketoreceivethemselvesissomeonewhounderstandsthevalueofmutualtrust.Someonewhoseattitudeistoseekoutactionsthattheycantaketoofferpolitenessisdeservingofrespectinreturn.Evenastrangerthatopensthedooratthecoffeeshopforthepersonbehindthem,orletsthepersonwithonlyafewitemsgoaheadoftheminthegrocerystore,andsayspleaseandthankyouwheneverpossiblewouldvaluerespect.2.Peoplewhoactrespectfullytowardsothers.Rollingones’eyes,interruptingsomeonewhoisalreadyspeaking,speakingrudelytosomeonetotheirface,speakingrudelyofsomeoneordemeaningthembehindtheirbackisnotsomeonewhodeservesyourrespect.Someonewhoalwaysensurestheyneverincorporatesuchtendenciesintheirbehaviourissomeoneyoushouldrespect.Becausenotonlyaretheseactionsnotbecomingofsomeonerespectful,anddisrespectfulofthepersonthey’retalkingwithorabout,buttheyimpedeorpreventfurtherdiscussionorresolutionofsuchissues,andmakeariftintheirrelationshipsthatcanhavelastingeffects.Whensomeonetakesthepaintofosteranenvironmentofrespectfullistening,everyonedeservestobeheard,evenifwesometimesmaynotagreewithaperson’sopinionsorperspective,deservestherespectofeveryoneinvolved.Becausetheypossessempathyandconsiderhowthey’dliketobetreatediftheyhadsomethingtosay.3.Peoplewholistentoyouwhenyouhavesomethingtosay.Inthefast-pacedworldwelivein,peoplearealarminglyquicktorunoutofpatience.Unfortunately,everyonewantstospeakandnoonewantstolisten.Thisleavesuswithamishmashofwordsnoonereallyunderstands,noonetriestounderstandeachother,andeveryoneisupsetatnotbeingunderstoodnotrealisingthattheyhaven’ttakenanefforttounderstandsomeoneelseeither. Alotofpeoplemistakehearingforlistening.Hearingisthepassiveprocessthatinvolvesthewordsbeingspokentoyou,processedbyyourbrainaswordsyouknow.Listeningisanactiveprocess,whereyouunderstandwhatthepersonistryingtosaytoyou.Peoplewhothinkbeforetheyspeakarerare.Thewaymostconversationsgonowadays,oneperson’scomments“trigger”aseriesofthoughtsinthelistener,whothenfeelstheneedfortheirstory,experienceorthoughtsalongthesamelinestotaketheforegroundbrings.Butifaperson,insteadoftellingtheirowntale,asksquestionsthatencouragethespeakertotellthemmore,isshowingrespectanddeservethesameinreturn.Theyareshowingthattheycare.4.Someonewhohelpsinwhatevercapacitypossible.Thequickestwaysomeonewillearnyourrespectisbybeingreadytolendahelpinghandoralisteningearwheneveryou(orsomeoneinyoursurroundings)needitorarethefirsttotakeupwhentheynoticeanopportunitytohelp.Theyeventendtonoticeopportunitiestohelpthatsomeoneelsemighthaveoverlooked.Beitofferingtogoforacoffeerunwheneveryoneattheofficehasbeenworkinghardorofferingtohelpthekindladydownstairswithbringinginhergroceriesfromthecar,orevenjustpickingupandhandingtoyousomethingyoumayhavedropped,iftheyaresomeonewhostrivestobehelpfultoallaroundthem,youwillautomaticallyrespectthem.5.Peoplewhodon’tmakeexcuses.Ouractionsarebasedonourownchoices.Exceptforsomerareunforeseeablecircumstancesthatnoonecouldhavepredicted,excuses(asvalidastheymayseemtous)donotjustifymistakes.Someonewhoownsuptotheiractionsandtakesresponsibilityfortheoutcomesofthoseactionsisrespectablebecauseowninguprequiresagreatdealofintrospection.Ourfirstinstinctwhensomethinggoeswrongistodenyourstakeinit,buttomovebeyondthatinstinctandanalysethesituationsothatwecanfindoutwherewewentwrong,isarespectfulact.Peoplewhoownuptotheirmistakesarealsolesslikelytomakethemagain.Sayyouhavesomeoneinyourfriendcirclewhoisconstantlylate,iftheymakelameexcusesyouwon’trespectthem.Owninguptotheirmistakesinsteadofdwellingonthem,andlookingforwaystomakeupforthemandnotrepeatitnexttime-arebehavioursyoushouldlookoutforwhiletryingtofigureoutwhetherornotyoushouldrespectanindividual. 6.Peoplewhoaregoodatmanagingtheiranger.Angeristhemostbasicemotioninhumans.Anevolutionaryremnantthathelpedusprotectourselvesinthepast,canbethefusethatsetsourlifealightwhengonewrong.Therearepeoplewhoareeasilyangeredandwhenevertheyareangrytheysetoutonawarpathagainstanyonewhotheythinkisworthyoftheiranger.Butthosewhoknowhowtoreignovertheiranger,tryandclearthehazeintheirheadthatangeroftenseemstoincite,andtryandanalysethesituationtomoderatetheirreactionarethecatalyststooursociety,Andso,theydodeserverespectforbeingsensiblewiththeiremotions.Holdingontoangeronlyharmsyouandholdingontoagrudgeisofnouse,andpeoplewhounderstandthatfinditeasiertoletgoofnegativeemotions.Whentheygetupset,theyallowthemselvestobeangryforsomemomentsprocessingthatemotionandthenmoveontoeitherrectifythematterorputitbehindthem.Iftheyforgive,andthenforgettheydeserveyourrespectforthekindofpersontheyare.7.Theyaren’taversetochangeWeallkeeptheopinionsweholdinhighregard.Weareproudofourselvesforhavingreachedthoseconclusionsbasedonwhatweknow,andwesometimestendtobealittlerigidwhentheseopinionscomeupagainstcontraryideas.Wetendtogetdefensive.Busomeindividualsrealisehowadoptingsuchanattitudecouldbedetrimentaltogrowthandhencetakenewinformation,thinkaboutitandthendecidewhetheritisenoughtochangeormodifytheirpreviouslyheldopinionfor.Theyrealisethattheprocessofevolutioninvolveschangeandthetransformationofideas.Theymakeanefforttogrowasapersonandlearnnewthings,trynewhobbiesandsharpennewskills,andre-examinetheirautomaticbehaviours.Don’tforgettocongratulatethemontheirattemptsatbecomingabetterperson,andthebestwaytodothatistoshowthemrespect.Nowthatwehaveacquiredabasicunderstandingofwhoweshouldrespect,let’sbrushuponhowweshouldshowthemrespect.1-Approachwithanopenmind.Weshouldalwaysbewillingtoheartheopinionsofothers,evenopposingandoutrageousonestolearnaboutandunderstandtheworldviewofpeoplewedon’tagreewith.Itwouldhelpusunderstandhowthelensandcogsoftheirbrainswork.Itisimportanttobepatientandheartthemoutbecausethequickestwaytoshutdownaconversationbeforeithasevenstarted,istoentertheconversationalreadyhavingdecidedtheoutcomeofitforallbyyourself.Itrenderstheconversationfutilealtogether.Expressing(unfair)judgmentorcondescensionisnothelping.Neithertheconversationnoryou.Butifyoutakeaminutetolisten,togenuinelyhearwhattheotherpersonhastosayyoumightlearnsomethingnew,andsomightthey.Whensuchconversationstakeplace,inter-personalrelationshipsgrow.Ifweaimtogenuinelyshowrespecttoothers(eventhosewhodisagreewithus),weshouldtreateachpersonweencounterwiththeregardandconsiderationtheydeserve.Weshouldlistentothem,nottoreplybuttounderstand,nottochangetheirmind,buttolearnmoreaboutwhytheythinkthewaytheydo.Thismakesthemfeelrespected,thattheiroutlookisvaluable.2-Trytofindthingsyou’rebothinterestedin.Ifyoucomeacrosssomeoneyouadmireandrespectbutdon’tknowhowtoapproachthem,thebestwaytobreaktheicewouldbetofindacommonground,atopicthatbothofyouareinterestedinandtrytomakeconversationcentredaroundthat.Itcouldbeanything,fromyoualreadyhavingreadthebookyousawthemreading,orthemorderingaspecifickindofcoffee,oriftheyhavementionedadishthattheylikeormaybeamovietheywatchedovertheweekendandiftheywouldrecommendittoyou/theirthoughtsonthemovie.Focusonthetopic,andpayattentiontowhattheyhavetosay,andbeforeyouknowit,youwillhavenon-verballyexpressedtothemthatyourespecttheiropinions.3-Listeningattentively.Wehearpeoplespeakingallthetime,butareweevenlistening?Orarewesimplyfilingawaythesesentenceswithajumbleofthousandothersentencesweareexposedtoinaday?Likewestatedinthepointtowardsthebeginningofthearticlewhensomeonelistenstoyou,youfeelrespectedbecausesomeoneissettingasidetheirtimeandattentiontolistentoyourthoughts,thisistranslatedasthemhavingregardforyourthoughtsandsoyoufeelrespected.Similarly,ifyoukeepyourtimeandattentionasideandlistentosomeone,theywillfeelrespectedtoo.Payingattentiontotheirwords,emotionsandthetonetheyareusingwilltellyoualotmorethantheirwordswillexpress.Trytoemployempathy,leanforwardtoshowthemtheyhaveyourattention,andreallylisten.It’sthatsimple.4-NotlettingouremotionsoverpowerourdemeanourEverbeenina“discussion”wherealltheotherpersondoesistalkoveryouorshoutwhatevertheyaresayingtonotletyougetyourwordin,orjustsimplyrefusetolistentoyou?Hassuchasituationeverleadtoasensiblediscussionorresolutionofissues?Allitdoesisleaveabittertasteforallinvolved.Whenadiscussionbetweenpeoplewithdifferingideologiestakeplaceandyouropinionsarechallenged,itisnaturaltogetalittledefensive.Butweneedtoremindourselvestonotletitgetourhead.Weshouldnottakeitpersonally.Staycalmhelpsmorethanreacting.Ifthediscussionisgettingtooheatedandoneorneitherofthepartiesarewillingtolistenandatloggerheadswitheachother,everyoneshouldtakeastepback.Pausethediscussionuntileveryoneisreadytoengagewithacalmandopenmind.Thisshowsmutualrespecttowardstheindividuals,aswellasthetopicbeingdiscussed.5-Takingstepstoreachanunderstanding.Wecanalwaysextendourrespectbysimplybeingpolite.Butwecouldalwaysgoastepfurthertotryandunderstandthepersonwearetryingtorespect.Wecantryandunderstandthepersonsothatwecanfigureoutwhatrespectmeanstothem.Then,wecanrespecttheminthewaytheywanttoberespected,thewaytheyperceiverespect.Wecandothatbygenuinelytryingtounderstandtheirpositionandwheretheiroutlookcomesfrom.Respectingthepeoplearoundus,andtakingthetimetounderstandwhotheyare, buildsconnectionsandtrust.
Respect is to be extended to everyone. Everyone deserves a certain degree of respect, purely by virtue of being a human. But then how do we differentiate between the way we respect someone who, say opened the door for you at a shop versus the way you respect a close friend who has been there for you for a long time? There is a difference in the way you respect these two individuals, and the way you differentiate it is in the way you express your respect to them. For the person who held the door open for you at a shop, you could simply smile at them and nod, or even say thanks. But after that, you go on with your day. For your close friend, on the other hand, your way of showing respect has to be more invested to reciprocate their importance to you. So being respectful to them would involve being a good friend, being kind to them, being considerate of their feelings, being there for them when they need you etc…
So what we can say is that while there is a general sense of respect that everyone deserves, there exists another kind of respect that takes more effort, on both the receiver’s end (they need to be a person worthy of this kind of respect) as well as the giver’s end (the person extending respect also has to invest themselves in a way that expresses the degree of respect they intend to communicate) that is more intense than the general variety of respect.
Hence, we should discuss what kind of people should we extend the second kind of respect to. What are the attributes of a person who commands the degree of respect that people would want to go above and beyond the general sense of respect for?
Here are some of those attributes:
1. People who are polite.
If you come across someone who is polite to everyone they meet during the day, from their family members (well you might not necessarily be able to witness their interaction with their family members, but the way they talk about their family members and their family life also speaks a lot) to their co-workers, to someone who provides them with a service such as a checkout person at the grocery store, is objectively a person worthy of your respect. An individual that gives others the same respect they’d like to receive themselves is someone who understands the value of mutual trust. Someone whose attitude is to seek out actions that they can take to offer politeness is deserving of respect in return. Even a stranger that opens the door at the coffee shop for the person behind them, or lets the person with only a few items go ahead of them in the grocery store, and says please and thank you whenever possible would value respect.
2. People who act respectfully towards others.
Rolling ones’ eyes, interrupting someone who is already speaking, speaking rudely to someone to their face, speaking rudely of someone or demeaning them behind their back is not someone who deserves your respect. Someone who always ensures they never incorporate such tendencies in their behaviour is someone you should respect. Because not only are these actions not becoming of someone respectful, and disrespectful of the person they’re talking with or about, but they impede or prevent further discussion or resolution of such issues, and make a rift in their relationships that can have lasting effects. When someone takes the pain to foster an environment of respectful listening, everyone deserves to be heard, even if we sometimes may not agree with a person’s opinions or perspective, deserves the respect of everyone involved. Because they possess empathy and consider how they’d like to be treated if they had something to say.
3. People who listen to you when you have something to say.
In the fast-paced world we live in, people are alarmingly quick to run out of patience. Unfortunately, everyone wants to speak and no one wants to listen. This leaves us with a mishmash of words no one really understands, no one tries to understand each other, and everyone is upset at not being understood not realising that they haven’t taken an effort to understand someone else either.
A lot of people mistake hearing for listening. Hearing is the passive process that involves the words being spoken to you, processed by your brain as words you know. Listening is an active process, where you understand what the person is trying to say to you. People who think before they speak are rare. The way most conversations go nowadays, one person’s comments “trigger” a series of thoughts in the listener, who then feels the need for their story, experience or thoughts along the same lines to take the foreground brings. But if a person, instead of telling their own tale, asks questions that encourage the speaker to tell them more, is showing respect and deserve the same in return. They are showing that they care.
4. Someone who helps in whatever capacity possible.
The quickest way someone will earn your respect is by being ready to lend a helping hand or a listening ear whenever you (or someone in your surroundings) need it or are the first to take up when they notice an opportunity to help. They even tend to notice opportunities to help that someone else might have overlooked. Be it offering to go for a coffee run when everyone at the office has been working hard or offering to help the kind lady downstairs with bringing in her groceries from the car, or even just picking up and handing to you something you may have dropped, if they are someone who strives to be helpful to all around them, you will automatically respect them.
5. People who don’t make excuses.
Our actions are based on our own choices. Except for some rare unforeseeable circumstances that no one could have predicted, excuses (as valid as they may seem to us) do not justify mistakes. Someone who owns up to their actions and takes responsibility for the outcomes of those actions is respectable because owning up requires a great deal of introspection. Our first instinct when something goes wrong is to deny our stake in it, but to move beyond that instinct and analyse the situation so that we can find out where we went wrong, is a respectful act. People who own up to their mistakes are also less likely to make them again. Say you have someone in your friend circle who is constantly late, if they make lame excuses you won’t respect them. Owning up to their mistakes instead of dwelling on them, and looking for ways to make up for them and not repeat it next time - are behaviours you should look out for while trying to figure out whether or not you should respect an individual.
6. People who are good at managing their anger.
Anger is the most basic emotion in humans. An evolutionary remnant that helped us protect ourselves in the past, can be the fuse that sets our life alight when gone wrong. There are people who are easily angered and whenever they are angry they set out on a warpath against anyone who they think is worthy of their anger. But those who know how to reign over their anger, try and clear the haze in their head that anger often seems to incite, and try and analyse the situation to moderate their reaction are the catalysts to our society, And so, they do deserve respect for being sensible with their emotions. Holding on to anger only harms you and holding on to a grudge is of no use, and people who understand that find it easier to let go of negative emotions. When they get upset, they allow themselves to be angry for some moments processing that emotion and then move on to either rectify the matter or put it behind them. If they forgive, and then forget they deserve your respect for the kind of person they are.
7. They aren’t averse to change
We all keep the opinions we hold in high regard. We are proud of ourselves for having reached those conclusions based on what we know, and we sometimes tend to be a little rigid when these opinions come up against contrary ideas. We tend to get defensive. Bu some individuals realise how adopting such an attitude could be detrimental to growth and hence take new information, think about it and then decide whether it is enough to change or modify their previously held opinion for. They realise that the process of evolution involves change and the transformation of ideas. They make an effort to grow as a person and learn new things, try new hobbies and sharpen new skills, and re-examine their automatic behaviours. Don’t forget to congratulate them on their attempts at becoming a better person, and the best way to do that is to show them respect.
Now that we have acquired a basic understanding of who we should respect, let’s brush up on how we should show them respect.
1 - Approach with an open mind.
We should always be willing to hear the opinions of others, even opposing and outrageous ones to learn about and understand the worldview of people we don’t agree with. It would help us understand how the lens and cogs of their brains work. It is important to be patient and heart them out because the quickest way to shut down a conversation before it has even started, is to enter the conversation already having decided the outcome of it for all by yourself. It renders the conversation futile altogether. Expressing (unfair) judgment or condescension is not helping. Neither the conversation nor you. But if you take a minute to listen, to genuinely hear what the other person has to say you might learn something new, and so might they. When such conversations take place, inter-personal relationships grow.
If we aim to genuinely show respect to others (even those who disagree with us), we should treat each person we encounter with the regard and consideration they deserve. We should listen to them, not to reply but to understand, not to change their mind, but to learn more about why they think the way they do. This makes them feel respected, that their outlook is valuable.
2 - Try to find things you’re both interested in.
If you come across someone you admire and respect but don’t know how to approach them, the best way to break the ice would be to find a common ground, a topic that both of you are interested in and try to make conversation centred around that. It could be anything, from you already having read the book you saw them reading, or them ordering a specific kind of coffee, or if they have mentioned a dish that they like or maybe a movie they watched over the weekend and if they would recommend it to you/their thoughts on the movie. Focus on the topic, and pay attention to what they have to say, and before you know it, you will have non-verbally expressed to them that you respect their opinions.
3 - Listening attentively.
We hear people speaking all the time, but are we even listening? Or are we simply filing away these sentences with a jumble of thousand other sentences we are exposed to in a day?
Like we stated in the point towards the beginning of the article when someone listens to you, you feel respected because someone is setting aside their time and attention to listen to your thoughts, this is translated as them having regard for your thoughts and so you feel respected. Similarly, if you keep your time and attention aside and listen to someone, they will feel respected too.
Paying attention to their words, emotions and the tone they are using will tell you a lot more than their words will express.
Try to employ empathy, lean forward to show them they have your attention, and really listen. It’s that simple.
4 - Not letting our emotions overpower our demeanour
Ever been in a “discussion” where all the other person does is talk over you or shout whatever they are saying to not let you get your word in, or just simply refuse to listen to you? Has such a situation ever lead to a sensible discussion or resolution of issues?
All it does is leave a bitter taste for all involved.
When a discussion between people with differing ideologies take place and your opinions are challenged, it is natural to get a little defensive. But we need to remind ourselves to not let it get our head. We should not take it personally. Stay calm helps more than reacting. If the discussion is getting too heated and one or neither of the parties are willing to listen and at loggerheads with each other, everyone should take a step back. Pause the discussion until everyone is ready to engage with a calm and open mind. This shows mutual respect towards the individuals, as well as the topic being discussed.
5 - Taking steps to reach an understanding.
We can always extend our respect by simply being polite. But we could always go a step further to try and understand the person we are trying to respect. We can try and understand the person so that we can figure out what respect means to them. Then, we can respect them in the way they want to be respected, the way they perceive respect.
We can do that by genuinely trying to understand their position and where their outlook comes from. Respecting the people around us, and taking the time to understand who they are, builds connections and trust.
