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You are here : home > Values > Friendship > What are the Principles of Friendship?

What are the Principles of Friendship?

Friendshipsareoneofthemanyblessingsinlife,butpossiblythemostimportantone.Friendshipsgiveusthesafetyandcomfortthatcomeswithbeingunderstoodandknowingthattherearepeoplewhohaveyourback,whowillbeonyourteamineverybattlewithlife.Tounderstandthesignificanceoffriendshipsinlifeweneednotresearchandreadupordoanythingextensive,wesimplyneedtotakeastepbackandreassessthefriendshipsinourlivesandhowtheyhaveaffectedandinfluencedus.Rightfromthebeginning,ifyouhaveasiblingyouhaveafriend.Yoursibling(s)willprobablybeyourfirstunderstandingofwhatfriendshipsare,whatitmeanstohavesomeoneunderstandandsomeoneyoucansharethelight-heartedmomentsinlife.Butifyouareanonlychildyourfirstexperiencewithfriendswillbeeitheranotherchildclosetoyourhomeorthefriendsyoumakeinkindergarten.Friendshipschangeovertime,bothfriendshipsbetweentwopeopleovertime,andalsothekindoffriendshipsweseemtobedrawntowardsastimepassesby.Thefriendshipswehaveinchildhoodareveryinnocent,inthesensethatwedon’toverthinkthemnordoweentangleourselvesinbigwordsandconceptslikeresponsibilityandtrustetc…friendshipsarebasedonverysimplequestionsthen,suchasdowelikethem?Andaretheynicetous?Ifyesandthenwearejustfriendswiththem,nootherthoughts! Butaswegrowalittleolder,aroundhighschoolanduniversity,theprioritiesinfriendshipbecomealittlemorecomplex.Weareatastageinlifewhereouridentityandwhatkindofalifewewanttohavearequestionsthatbecomeimportanttous.Andso,thefriendswechoosealsodependonwhetherweidentifywiththemandtheiropinionsandoutlook,aretheysomeoneIwanttofigurethingsoutwith?AretheysomeoneIcanopenupto?IsthisthepersonIwanttocreatethememoriesI’mmostfondlygoingtolookbackat?Andfriendshipsasanadultisbasedondofferentprioritiestoo.Whenweareyoungerwewanttobefriendswitheveryone,andthenwithasmanypeopleaspossible.Butasanadult,wearefriendlywitheveryone,butourfriendscircleseemstogrowsmaller,closeranddeeper.Wemaintainclosebondsonlywithfriendsthatwehavethetimeandenergyfor,friendsehoencourageourgrowthandwhosegrowthwewanttosupport,friendsthatweadmireandrespect.Asadults,evenwhenwemayhaveconflictsordifferencesofopinionwithourfriends,wetryandworkpastit.Regardlessofthetime,andthetypeandtheprioritieswehavewhilemakingandmaintainingfriendships,thereareafewthingsthatmakeupthefoundationofgoodfriendships.Thingsthatmakefriendshipsvaluableandlastlonger.Thingsthatensurethisfriendship,whichmaybeabigpartofyourlifeandpersonality,isonethatisagoodthingforbothofyou.Asafespacethatmakesbothhappyandcomfortableandfeelliketheycanrelyoneachotherwhenneeded.Herearethe‘principles’offriendship-1.AcceptanceAcoreprincipleoffriendshipisacceptance.Themomentyoubeginbeingfriendswithsomeone,itisawaytocommunicate“IacceptyouasafriendandIhopeyouacceptmeasonetoo.”Butitisimportantthatthisacceptancetranslatestootheraspectsofthemasapersontoo.Everyindividualhasasetofbeliefsandideals.Weallhaveopinionsonthingsandwhethertheyarerightorwrong.Andsometimes,wemayhavefriendsthatmaynotreallyadheretoourideals.Whichisgreatforthem,butweneedtotakeastepbackandthinkbeforeweboxtheiractionsintoastrictbinaryofrightandwrong.Wehaveuniqueperspectivesbutthatdoesn’tmeantheyarealwaysright.Wealltendtohavebiases,soitisourdutyasafriendtotryandgobeyondthatbiasandunderstandwhyourfriendmighthavedonethethingtheydidorthinkthewaytheydo.Andevenifwedon’treallyagreewithit,aslongasitisnotsomethingthatdirectlyaffectsyouornegativelyaffectsanyoneelse,wehavetoacceptit.Surely,therearethingswedoorthinkthattheymaynotnecessarilyagreewith,yetwewouldwantthemtoacceptright?Thatiswhatfriendshipis,celebratingourdifferences,andwhatbetterwaytodothatthanacceptance?Acceptingandbeingcomfortablewitheachother.2.HonestyHonestyissomethingeverypersonshouldtryandinculcatewithintheirpersonalityingeneral,butitbecomesessentialinrelationships,whereyouractionsandwordsaffectthoseinvolvedwithyou.Especiallyinfriendships.Friendsarepossiblytheeasiestpeople,tobehonestwith.Withmanyotherrelationshipsinlife,wemayhavetowithhold,ifnotlie,aboutsomeaspectsofourlife.Withparents,wemaynotexpresssomeopinionsbecausetheymightdisagreeornotapproveofit.Evenwithextendedfamilymembers,alotoftimeswedon’tknowhowtheymayreactortakecertainthings.Withteachers,bossesandevenco-workers,wecan’tbetoohonest,openorcasual.Andideally,weshouldbehonestwithourpartnersaswell,butsometimeswemaynottellthemthingstonotstressthemoutormaybetoprotecttheirfeelings.Butwithfriends,weneverhavetoworryaboutthat!Wecanbehonestwiththemandtheywouldstillbeaccepting.Andfrankly?Honestycanbeveryliberating.Justtalkinghonestlytosomeone,andlettingourthoughtsouttruthfullycanbeverycatharticandmakesusfeellighter.Sobehonestwithyourfriends,itwillencouragethemtobehonestwithyoutoo!3.EffortlessFriendshipsshouldbeeffortless.Notthatyoushouldn’torshouldn’thavetoputinanyeffort.Rather,youshouldmakeeffortstoensuretheydon’thavetoputinalltheefforts.Thebottomlineisthatweshouldn’tbedemandinginfriendships.Ofcourse,wehaveneedsinafriendship,anditisnaturalforustoexpectthemtocareforusorlookoutforus,enjoyourcompanyandbethereforuswhenweneedthemto.Butatthesametime,forahealthyfriendshiptoexist,weneedtorealiseourboundariesaswell.Weshouldrealisethattheyareapersonbeforetheyareourfriends,andtheyhaveneedsasapersontoo.Theyhavealifethatwearejustapartof.Andsometimeswhenweneedthem,theymightnotbeabletobepresentallthetimeeveniftheywantto.Forexample,youmayhavealunchplannedtogetherbuttheymaycancelitduetopersonalreasons.Insteadofdemandinganswersorexplanationsormakingthemfeelbad,weshouldextendthesamefriendshipwemayhaveexpectedhasthesituationbeenreversed.Weshouldtryandunderstandtheirendofitandcomfortthem.Itshouldbeafriendshipthatis50-50,wherebothofyouputintheeffortsoitis‘effortless’,andtheweightofthefriendshipshouldnotjustfallonone.4.TrustTrustisimportantineveryrelationship.Sometimesevenoutsiderelationships,wejusthavetotrustanotherpersonbecausethesituationdemandsso.Butlikeestablishedbefore,afriendshipismeanttoprovidethefeelingofsafetyandcomfort.Averyimportantpartoffeelingsafeistrusting.Afriendwillfeelsafeintheirfriendshipwithyouonlyiftheytrustyou.Andthisissomethingbothofyouhavetoworkon.Itisveryimportantforyoutoprovetothemastrustworthy,tobeabletoexpressthattheirtrustandfaithinyouisvaluabletoyouandthatyouwouldneverdoanything(atleastknowingly,weallmakesmistakes,butthatissomethingyou’llhavetoworryaboutwhenyoumakeit)tobreaktheirtrustorhurtthem.Theotherpartofthisisonthem,totakealeapoffaithastrustyoutonotbreakthatverytrust.Itistheotherwayaroundtoo.Youwillneverfeelsafeorcomfortedinafriendshipwhereyoudon’ttrustthem.Insuchacase,ifthereisanexpressablereasonwhy,talkwiththem.Honestcommunicationwillnotonlybeagoodwaytostrengthenfriendshipbutalsohelpsbuildtrust.5.RespectRespectisatthecoreofeverythingthatholdsafriendshiptogether.Therearenofriendshipsifthereisnorespect,justanappreciationforthecompanybutnotmuchelse.Everyprincipleandcomponentthatarenecessarytoahealthyfriendshipwehavediscussedbeforethis,isimpossibleorunfeasibleifthereisnorespect.Thebasisofafriendshipisthattheyareourpeers,ourequals,someonewhowouldwalkbesideusandaccompanyusinthejourneyoflife.Butthemomentthereisanimbalanceofrespect,whereonerespectstheotheranditisnotreciprocated,itisservituderatherthanfriendship.Mutualrespectiswhatensuresthatbothofyouarethereforeachother.Ifnot,itcanturnintoanabusivedynamicveryquicklyandcanbeharmfultoyou.Afriendshipthatisoff-baseintermsofrespectcanleadtoonebeingabusiveandtheotherbeingabused.Beingtheabusiveonecanleadtoalotofguiltandbeingabusedcanaffectyourself-esteem.Evenifnotintentionalorextreme,afriendshipwithoutmutualrespectcannotbeconsideredhealthy.Soanessentialprincipletoahealthyfriendshipislearningtorespecteachother.6.Judgement-freeFriendshipsare,aswehavepointedoutbefore,basedontrustandhonesty.Whatthisentailsisthattheregoingtobetimeswhereyourfriendmightopenuptoyouwithsomethingthatmightbeuncomfortableforthem,somethingthatmakesthemvulnerable.Itmightevenbesomethingtheyhadtomusterupalotofcourageandstrengthfor,Itisyourdutytomakethemfeelsafeindoingso,andthatinvolvesbeingjudgement-free.Asafespace,thatfriendshipoftenis,isajudgement-freezone.Whatwouldhappenifyouweretomakeavalue-judgementoftheirthoughtsoractions?Theywouldimmediatelycloseupandquitepossibly,neverfeelcomfortableopeninguptosomeoneelseagain.Theywouldnotbewronginfeelingthatexpressingthingsthateventheythemselvesareuncertainaboutisawaytoinvitecriticismandtheyaregoingtobejudgednomatterwhat.Whichisnotsomethingwewantthemtofeellike,asafriend,ever.Thesameappliestoyou.Animportantlitmustestoffriendshipiswhethertheyletyouexpressyourselfwithoutjudgementbecauseyoudeservetofeelcomfortableinthefriendshiptoo.7.LoyaltyBeingloyaltoyourfriendsisveryimportant,andalmostsinglehandedlythebiggestdeterminerofwhetherornotitisfriendshipthatisworthkeepingaroundforalongtime.Italsodetermineswhetherornotyouaretrustworthy.Thisloyaltyneedstobeupheld,again,onbothends.Youshouldbeloyaltothemandtheyshouldbeloyaltoyou.Loyaltymeansyouareontheirside,always,andtheyareonyourside,always.Ifsomeonetalksaboutthembehindtheirback,youinterruptanddefendthem.Anditwouldnotbewrongofyoutoexpectthemtodothesameeither.Loyaltyisabigdeal,itistheentireideaofhavingeachother’sback.Andtheabilitytobeloyaltoyourfriendsisabigmarkofcharacter.Itshowsyourabilitytocommit,somethingwhichisimportantinvirtuallyeveryotheraspectofyourlifeaswell.Andifyoufindafriendwhoyoutrustedhasbeendisloyal,itistimetoreassessthatfriendship.Iftheydon’thaveyourback,iftheydon’tstandupforyou,chancesaretheydonotfindyourpresenceimportant.Itisbesttodistanceyourselffromsuchafriend.

To understand the significance of friendships in life we need not research and read up or do anything extensive, we simply need to take a step back and reassess the friendships in our lives and how they have affected and influenced us. Right from the beginning, if you have a sibling you have a friend. Your sibling(s) will probably be your first understanding of what friendships are, what it means to have someone understand and someone you can share the light-hearted moments in life. But if you are an only child your first experience with friends will be either another child close to your home or the friends you make in kindergarten. Friendships change over time, both friendships between two people over time, and also the kind of friendships we seem to be drawn towards as time passes by. The friendships we have in childhood are very innocent, in the sense that we don’t overthink them nor do we entangle ourselves in big words and concepts like responsibility and trust etc… friendships are based on very simple questions then, such as do we like them? And are they nice to us? If yes and then we are just friends with them, no other thoughts!

But as we grow a little older, around high school and university, the priorities in friendship become a little more complex. We are at a stage in life where our identity and what kind of a life we want to have are questions that become important to us. And so, the friends we choose also depend on whether we identify with them and their opinions and outlook, are they someone I want to figure things out with? Are they someone I can open up to? Is this the person I want to create the memories I’m most fondly going to look back at? And friendships as an adult is based on dofferent priorities too. When we are younger we want to be friends with everyone, and then with as many people as possible. But as an adult, we are friendly with everyone, but our friends circle seems to grow smaller, closer and deeper. We maintain close bonds only with friends that we have the time and energy for, friends eho encourage our growth and whose growth we want to support, friends that we admire and respect. As adults, even when we may have conflicts or differences of opinion with our friends, we try and work past it.

Regardless of the time, and the type and the priorities we have while making and maintaining friendships, there are a few things that make up the foundation of good friendships. Things that make friendships valuable and last longer. Things that ensure this friendship, which may be a big part of your life and personality, is one that is a good thing for both of you. A safe space that makes both happy and comfortable and feel like they can rely on each other when needed.

Here are the ‘principles’ of friendship-

1. Acceptance

A core principle of friendship is acceptance. The moment you begin being friends with someone, it is a way to communicate “I accept you as a friend and I hope you accept me as one too.” But it is important that this acceptance translates to other aspects of them as a person too. Every individual has a set of beliefs and ideals. We all have opinions on things and whether they are right or wrong. And sometimes, we may have friends that may not really adhere to our ideals. Which is great for them, but we need to take a step back and think before we box their actions into a strict binary of right and wrong. We have unique perspectives but that doesn’t mean they are always right. We all tend to have biases, so it is our duty as a friend to try and go beyond that bias and understand why our friend might have done the thing they did or think the way they do. And even if we don’t really agree with it, as long as it is not something that directly affects you or negatively affects anyone else, we have to accept it. Surely, there are things we do or think that they may not necessarily agree with, yet we would want them to accept right? That is what friendship is, celebrating our differences, and what better way to do that than acceptance? Accepting and being comfortable with each other.

2. Honesty

Honesty is something every person should try and inculcate within their personality in general, but it becomes essential in relationships, where your actions and words affect those involved with you. Especially in friendships. Friends are possibly the easiest people, to be honest with. With many other relationships in life, we may have to withhold, if not lie, about some aspects of our life. With parents, we may not express some opinions because they might disagree or not approve of it. Even with extended family members, a lot of times we don’t know how they may react or take certain things. With teachers, bosses and even co-workers, we can’t be too honest, open or casual. And ideally, we should be honest with our partners as well, but sometimes we may not tell them things to not stress them out or maybe to protect their feelings. But with friends, we never have to worry about that! We can be honest with them and they would still be accepting. And frankly? Honesty can be very liberating. Just talking honestly to someone, and letting our thoughts out truthfully can be very cathartic and makes us feel lighter. So be honest with your friends, it will encourage them to be honest with you too!

3. Effortless

Friendships should be effortless. Not that you shouldn’t or shouldn’t have to put in any effort. Rather, you should make efforts to ensure they don’t have to put in all the efforts. The bottom line is that we shouldn’t be demanding in friendships. Of course, we have needs in a friendship, and it is natural for us to expect them to care for us or look out for us, enjoy our company and be there for us when we need them to. But at the same time, for a healthy friendship to exist, we need to realise our boundaries as well. We should realise that they are a person before they are our friends, and they have needs as a person too. They have a life that we are just a part of. And sometimes when we need them, they might not be able to be present all the time even if they want to. For example, you may have a lunch planned together but they may cancel it due to personal reasons. Instead of demanding answers or explanations or making them feel bad, we should extend the same friendship we may have expected has the situation been reversed. We should try and understand their end of it and comfort them. It should be a friendship that is 50-50, where both of you put in the effort so it is ‘effortless’, and the weight of the friendship should not just fall on one.

4. Trust

Trust is important in every relationship. Sometimes even outside relationships, we just have to trust another person because the situation demands so. But like established before, a friendship is meant to provide the feeling of safety and comfort. A very important part of feeling safe is trusting. A friend will feel safe in their friendship with you only if they trust you. And this is something both of you have to work on. It is very important for you to prove to them as trustworthy, to be able to express that their trust and faith in you is valuable to you and that you would never do anything (at least knowingly, we all makes mistakes, but that is something you’ll have to worry about when you make it) to break their trust or hurt them. The other part of this is on them, to take a leap of faith as trust you to not break that very trust. It is the other way around too. You will never feel safe or comforted in a friendship where you don’t trust them. In such a case, if there is an expressable reason why, talk with them. Honest communication will not only be a good way to strengthen friendship but also helps build trust.

5. Respect

Respect is at the core of everything that holds a friendship together. There are no friendships if there is no respect, just an appreciation for the company but not much else. Every principle and component that are necessary to a healthy friendship we have discussed before this, is impossible or unfeasible if there is no respect. The basis of a friendship is that they are our peers, our equals, someone who would walk beside us and accompany us in the journey of life. But the moment there is an imbalance of respect, where one respects the other and it is not reciprocated, it is servitude rather than friendship. Mutual respect is what ensures that both of you are there for each other. If not, it can turn into an abusive dynamic very quickly and can be harmful to you. A friendship that is off-base in terms of respect can lead to one being abusive and the other being abused. Being the abusive one can lead to a lot of guilt and being abused can affect your self-esteem. Even if not intentional or extreme, a friendship without mutual respect cannot be considered healthy. So an essential principle to a healthy friendship is learning to respect each other.

6. Judgement-free

Friendships are, as we have pointed out before, based on trust and honesty. What this entails is that there going to be times where your friend might open up to you with something that might be uncomfortable for them, something that makes them vulnerable. It might even be something they had to muster up a lot of courage and strength for, It is your duty to make them feel safe in doing so, and that involves being judgement-free. A safe space, that friendship often is, is a judgement-free zone. What would happen if you were to make a value-judgement of their thoughts or actions? They would immediately close up and quite possibly, never feel comfortable opening up to someone else again. They would not be wrong in feeling that expressing things that even they themselves are uncertain about is a way to invite criticism and they are going to be judged no matter what. Which is not something we want them to feel like, as a friend, ever. The same applies to you. An important litmus test of friendship is whether they let you express yourself without judgement because you deserve to feel comfortable in the friendship too.

7. Loyalty

Being loyal to your friends is very important, and almost singlehandedly the biggest determiner of whether or not it is friendship that is worth keeping around for a long time. It also determines whether or not you are trustworthy. This loyalty needs to be upheld, again, on both ends. You should be loyal to them and they should be loyal to you. Loyalty means you are on their side, always, and they are on your side, always. If someone talks about them behind their back, you interrupt and defend them. And it would not be wrong of you to expect them to do the same either. Loyalty is a big deal, it is the entire idea of having each other’s back. And the ability to be loyal to your friends is a big mark of character. It shows your ability to commit, something which is important in virtually every other aspect of your life as well. And if you find a friend who you trusted has been disloyal, it is time to reassess that friendship. If they don’t have your back, if they don’t stand up for you, chances are they do not find your presence important. It is best to distance yourself from such a friend.