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Raising Children Topics..

You are here : home > Raising Children > Behavioral Problems > Lying - How it Begins in Children > Comments

Comments:

Name: Mishra
Country: India
the origins of lying lie in pressure to conform to expectations. Parents need to be understanding, even teachers. I find Orchids very strict about the behaviour of the teachers towards kids.

Name: Payal
Country: India
Parents need to be very careful in every stage of child's life. Blaming on others while telling a lie due to fear and there are other scenarios that go with this trait. How to help the kids understand and make them good is what really matters. Wonderful post!

Name: Mak
Country: U.S.A.
I think not every aspect of a child lying it's completely the parents fault, but, if it continues what other explanation is there. As parents we are role models, judge, jury, friend, and theres a fine line between each. I'm sure some of us know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." That means the adults in the childs life need to work together at least on some level to bring our kids up to be good people. We need to be able to rely on other adults. It drives me insane when parents insist their child is perfect they did no wrong can do no wrong. They are children, children make mistakes it's what they do, it's how they learn! It's up to us to set them straight and when the adults aren't on the same page and consistent it makes it harder to teach them. Could you imagine if a child was told by one parent "the sky is green" and the other saying "it's people" then other adults telling them other colors. The confusion. It all relates. Consistency is key.

Name: Mak
Country: U.S.A.
I think not every aspect of a child lying it's completely the parents fault, but, if it continues what other explanation is there. As parents we are role models, judge, jury, friend, and theres a fine line between each. I'm sure some of us know the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." That means the adults in the childs life need to work together at least on some level to bring our kids up to be good people. We need to be able to rely on other adults. It drives me insane when parents insist their child is perfect they did no wrong can do no wrong. They are children, children make mistakes it's what they do, it's how they learn! It's up to us to set them straight and when the adults aren't on the same page and consistent it makes it harder to teach them. Could you imagine if a child was told by one parent "the sky is green" and the other saying "it's people" then other adults telling them other colors. The confusion. It all relates. Consistency is key.

Name: Mak
Country: U.S.A.
Some of this stuff sounds right to me, and some of it, well maybe it depends on the situation. I have a 4 year old son that went through a lying phase after spending a summer with an older cousin that constantly lies. When my husband and I caught on that he was lying and we KNEW he was. We would ask him about the situation, inform him that we did know what happened or that we would find out. The lies and the "I don't know" continued for a little while, but, we made it clear that he was in more trouble for lying than anything else. That there was nothing he could do that it was worth lying over. So far it's worked. My niece on the other hand... I try similar tactics with her but she has had this mentality for about 6 years. I don't know how her mom could begin to burn this web. Her parents are going through custody battles and she tries manipulate EVERY situation to keep out of trouble or get what she wants.From saying she didn't push Max down thats not why he's crying, even though I watched the entire thing from the other side of the door. Right down to saying shes never seen a movie before, shes been dying to see it please. Then tells you the entire movie! It's not that big of a deal. If she wants to watch a movie all she has to do is ask, why lie about it???? I'm not her mom so I approach her lies different than my sons. I inform her that I saw the events unfold so she needs to think about what she it's about to tell me. I talk to her mom about it and she seems concerned but maybe she isn't doing anything about it because shes afraid her baby girl will tell courts she wants to stay with dad. She knows she only see s us for a short time before going back to her dad. Both parents buy her love. Especially around court dates. I don't know if theres any end to what she does. The parents hate each other at this point and aren't nearly as concerned about working together for the sake of her as they are to hurt the other parent. It's sad and this is a situation I blame on the parents.

Name: kc
Country: USA
my child lies to evoke sympathy, in turn she tries to "get items that she wants". she tells one lie to a person and another to the other. when caught, she finally admits that she did wrong.

Name: wolf
Country: USA
our children may lie because we don't want to hear the truth.they say "ihate my baby sister." we say, "no you don't.tell her you love her."

Name: adelia
Country: Canada
i would like to know more regarding what 'underlying problem' may be at work with chronic liars--this article just seems to easy in its answers and assessmetns

Name: Catherine Whittall
Country: England
i think this article should mention that repetetive lying could be a sign of an underlying condition and professional help is needed.

Name: suresh kumar.P
Country: India
expecting more experiments results

Name: uma girish
Country: India
i also believe that every time you encourage your child to tell the truth and reinforce that she will not be reprimanded (it takes a lot of courage to tell the truth ) it works wonders. the trust she begins to develop is great. it works with my daughter. try it.

Name: Tagni
Country: Canada
i to am dealing with a nine year old that lies alot, and the lies are actually more like attention getting stories, which brings the wrong attention.great immagination, but wrong attention. we have raised our son in a very open, structured ( not strict, stuctured) home, and he still insists on telling woppers of stories, which are lies. now i don't believe it is the parenting as this article states, as we allow him room to grow naturally. from the responses here, i am beginning to believe it is a natural part of learning. i am looking to find a way though to make him understand that the stories he tells are sometimes to real sounding and he may end up paying a really high price, along with us. we do, and always have given him wonderful praise for telling the truth, and simply stating he is about to tell a whopper. its when he forgets to state that he is about to tell a story, which sounds so real, that we are falling into problems.

Name: cp
Country: USA
i am going thru a really tough time with my step son, i understand where the lying comes from and why he has come acustom to lying but how to correct the problem is my question.? i have done the friend thing, not so hard so he would be ok with telling me things and not feel intemadated, the different consquences for true or lie, tell him he is not a lier and he is a great kid and i understand why he thinks its ok because of his life before i came along , tell him before he answers cover his mouth and say i am going to tell the truth over and over in his mind and then i praise for him telling truth and i keep showing him how easy it is to tell the truth and how good it feels when you know you have told the truth and even that if disappoints god and i know some people will disagree but that is our belief and nothing has worked and he has good intentions and he just lies before he even knows it help

Name: mamma mia
Country: Canada
what does this mean? the way out is not to set down extremely rigid rules or standards that your child may or may not be able to live up to so that he can have a happy, healthy childhood without any high pressures or expectations.

Name: Vispi Jokhi
Country: India
we live in difficult times and it is all very easy to preach without practicing. we all lie and therefore to expect no lying is impossible. the key is to remove abnormal fear from the child and become a confidante to your child, a real friend or bosom pal so that the child has no fear of a dmitting his mistakes and does not cover up one lie with many more lies. we must be conscious of our behaviour in front of our children at all times. one small thing i tell my child is that whenever you are not sure of whether to do or not do a thing you ask yourself if you can tell your parents about your action without any fear. later in life you can substitute this parent with the voice of our lord and father or god and most times you will not err.

Name: extremely frustrated
Country: Canada
as others who have commented, i am now searching for a way to help my child stop lying and a way to help me deal with this without frustration. this article doesn't help either of these problems. crtainly there are reasons that a child becomes a habitual liar but, if he doesn't want to share these reasons with you and insists on lying about anything and everything, despite facing consequences and knowing that it's wrong to lie, what do you do to prevent this?

Name: Gene Bedley
Country: USA
lying focus on the number of times the child tells the truth rather than the lies they make. it's important to elevate kids to a responsible level not focus on their shortcomings. if you have a chronic liar you might need to use a more extreme measure. remember lying is a trust breaker which means i can not distinguish when you are lying and when you are telling the truth. what would happen if you lied to the child that was lying for an entire day and made promises of things you were going to do only to give some excuse when they remind you of your agreement.sometimes the only way a child can learn a lesson is to over saturate them with what they are doing to help lean the concept. the real learning comes at the end of the day when you summarize your decisions and begin to teach your child cause and effect. if the incident requires retribution it's important to train your child correct responses. it's important to separate saying your sorry vs asking for forgiveness. saying your sorry is for accidental mistakes and asking for forgiveness is when you do something on purpose. it is equally important to teach your children the steps in showing remorse. 1. walking to the person 2. looking down and saying in a quiet voice. "i'm sorry" if you did something on purpose you are also required to ask forgiveness 3. asking for forgiveness means you are not going to do it again never force your child into saying they are sorry since their response usually falls short of a remorseful attitude. gene bedley with the lying,rather than the problem that caused the lie. before asking "the question" we remind them what will happen to the lyer.

Name: Shannon
Country: Canada
i feel that once a child starts to lie it becomes hard to correct the behavior of lying and that we as parents should watch what we say. if a child hears you lie then they may think that they can lie. i have tried to tell my children the story of peter and the wolf. if they lie then i just say that if they continue to lie then people are not going to believe them when they need them to. i tell them that i trust them and i would like to be able to trust them all the time. sometimes it does not work but not everything works all the time. my son lies at school alot because they labelled him a liar and i'm having a hard time fixing it.

Name: Karen
Country: Canada
always the parents' fault. my 7 yr old lies to point where he's putting himself in danger. of course he's scared to tell the truth with some things, because he will be disciplined. i am not going to applaud him and let his behaviour slide, just because he told the truth. are we supposed to hold our tongues, or have no expectations, merely because it will put pressure on the child? how will they ever learn to be responsible, without expectations? i want to help my son, and this article is far from helpful.

Name: kim h
Country: USA
i agree with stan in the usa. this is a bunch of unuseful info. i am so frustrated. my 9 year old lies about not having homework all the time. he leaves at school. he said today that mom you must take me up to school to get my spelling book. today is thursday. his spelling book is to be home monday afternoon until friday morning. he turns in all his spelling on friday. why was his book at school? well he doesn't remember. he also went back to shcool to get his math page. didn't come out with that. i lost it he says. i told him he is lying to me again. he really thinks he is not lying. his math page was right on top in his back pack. i said when did you look in your back pack for your math page? he has been on the couch with the other kids for at least 30 minutes. just 1 minute ago he states. really i said you have been sitting there for 30 minutes. i told him i found his math page and another language arts page he was to do for friday. he winned that it would take 30 minutes to do his math homework. that was earlier that day. do you know he finished that math page in 5 minutes. yes in 5 minutes. he got all but 1 answer right. 30 minutes of winning for 5 minutes of work. what a load of c__p. i am so fed up. i think i will ask the doctor to some zoloft for myself. my nerves are gone. i am ready to move out and live by myself. help!!!!!! i don't want to leave but i can't handle all this stress. this goes on every single school day!!!!!!!!! help me

Name: Single Mom
Country: USA
i can't say i thought this article was entirely rubbish as did many readers, i did not agree with much of it. it is important to set expectations for your kids so they know what is expected. i expect my son will tell the truth and i am angry (which i know is a mistake now) when he doesn't. unfortunately, i learned from my father who taught through fear instead of love. i need to learn new techniques but i doubt my son will wait to grow up until i can learn them. i understand more about why he is lying and maybe i needed to be reminded he is not a "bad kid" but he is just afraid to tell me the truth when he makes a mistake or has a failure at school. his school work has clearly been the source for the majority of his lies, and i guess i need to take some pressure off of him so that at least he can feel good about telling me the truth about his school work instead of feeling bad about the school work and the lie. by the way, the peter and the wolf story does not work. neither does washington and the cherry tree or the half dozen others.

Name: all stressed
Country: Canada
i babysit an 8 year old. he constantly lies to me to try and get my daughter in trouble, but i can tell he is lying by the look in his eyes. he does this to his mom too and later on confesses that he is wrong. any advice??????

Name: gloria
Country: USA
what a crock!! why so we always blame the parents. i did raise my son to be respectful, courteous, etc. guess what? it did not work

Name: gloria
Country: USA
how do i get to read the article

Name: thanks
Country: USA
good info, helped a lot! thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Name: Alisa -DE
Country: USA
i have a 15 yr old that constantly lies, this article is great, but i need help now, before she is destroyed, by others to correct the problem. her father wants to put her in foster home! is this right, any advice from you!

Name: Are These People Kidding?
Country: USA
what a crock of sh** this is! why is it still on the net? please, don't believe this parent blaming load!!!

Name: Shauna
Country: USA
don't set expectations for your child and they won't lie? give me a big fat break. they also won't get potty trained, go to school, take a bath or learn how to live on their own eventually. i think i'll continue to expect good behavior from my kids and look elsewhere for help with lying. thanks.

Name: Jenny
Country: USA
first of all, i see this article as incomplete-it tells part of the story, maybe for some kids & parents. has anyone thought of a child's lying as a "power stuggle"? we parents are like gods in thier lives, but we can't make them tell the truth. we can make them eat peas and spinnach, make them do thier homework, go to bed, apologize, etc. i don't pretend to know all the answers. i just know i've done a lot wrong in dealing with my daughter's lying, and i certainly know that the problem isn't fixed by making lying a power stuggle, nor is it fixed by, as the article says, being some utopian parent without expectations. good luck to all of you, and don't get so disgusted with your child's lying that you don't let him or her know in every way that you love them more than anything.

Name: rees
Country: USA
do not make promises to children that you do not intend to keep; for you risk raising them to be a liars.

Name: Deb from Jersey
Country: USA

Name: Niky
Country: India
i do agree with uma. i also toth mine children from begining, not to be afreid to tell me a truth. mistakes do hapen, we all learn from it. if there is problem there is always solution. mine children were never afraid to tell mi the truth. besides, i always could sence if there was some problem, the moment they opened the door. by their movements and look in the eys. i also never practised punisment. they were good children and now good adulds. iam also not hipocrat, and know they will tell little lies, like rest of society - how are you? alwas - fine!

Name: need to know
Country: USA
can children be forsed into lying

Name: vicky
Country: Australia
my daughter is 2 and a half...every few weeks she tells me that she sees a man in the house and that he is scary. what can i make of it? apaarantly there was no one that has dies in this house so there cant be any ghosts. i dont know if shes lying to get attention or she really does see this man

Name: Beth
Country: USA
my 6 year old daughter is a very very social child, and over the past six months has gotten in to trouble at school for talking. at the beginning of the school year she would tell me when she got a "pin" (the first level of the school's disciplinary system), and i would punish her by making her go to bed early, and talking about how important it is to follow directions and rules. she no longer told me about getting these "pins" in school anymore, and i thought the situation had ceased. when i had a meeting with the teacher at the end of the first quarter, i found out that she had been getting at least 2 pins a week, and lying to me about it. of course the first quarter was last fall, and i feel that only now am i making some head way with the lying. i basically used trial and error. i worried that this habit would worsen and become part of her everyday life, and was extremely upset about it. i know that i lost my temper, and i called her a liar, and of course that didn't work. i had previously tried going to bed early, and that didn't work. i was extremely distrustful of her, and she knew it, and we constantly had conversations that consisted of "how can i believe you?", and "mommy, i'm not lying!". about a month ago, she lied to me again, and after i yelled, and she cried, i told her that i wanted to make a deal. i would believe her, and she would tell me the truth. even if i thought she was lying, i wouldn't accuse her of lying, and even if she knew she would be punished, she wouldn't lie. i have been suspicious lately about whether or not she's brushing her teeth in the evening, even though she goes into the bathroom as if to do so. i asked her about it at dinner, and she got a solemn look on her face, and said, "not all the time". i was, am so proud of my baby! i am hoping that our deal is going to work out and she can stop this habit! i praised her for being honest even though she knew she might get into trouble, and told her it's important to brush her teeth every morning and evening or she could get cavities. (i'd rather have cavities than lies, although niether would be nice!). but the whole incident gave me hope that she is headed in the right direction. oh, and she has received an award for good behavior two consecutive months now, so her motor mouth is under control too!

Name: anamika
Country: India
thik hai. its all depend on familys sanskar

Name: asking questions
Country: India
my son is always overreacting and easily gets angree. any advice?

Name: deseted mom
Country: Mexico
my 21 year old son has always been honest and truthful but has recently started lying ..... whats wron i am very worried please help !!!!!!

Name: Mom in America
Country: usa
i found the article above interesting. for a few reasons, in particular it sounds as though it comes from a clinical point of view. and as a lot of us know, we are hands on parents. i know that i live and breath the mom way of life. no matter what the scenerio in everyday life with my two children, whether it be a day at the park, an outting with family, a visit to mutual friends, or a day in the local mall . . . my kids have seen and addressed me as mom. just recently in the last 10 months, i have made it a point to let my son who is 12 & daughter who is 3, see me & talk to them about my desires, needs, wants as a woman, a friend, a disciple, an aunt, etc. what i have made more apparent for them is discussing with them & showing them the ways i like to treated by the way i treat others. i also let them see the sides of me that are tender and fragile. the pain and tears i cry when stress of life feels too great. it is in those moments that i let them know that it is in these lonely moments that i have choices to make. i could call into work and say i am sick when i am not or call my friend and say hey the kids are sick i really don't want to come over when it is really i just don't want to go over for whatever reason. it's been in these transactions over the last months that have given me the tools to lay the foundation or giving my children the opportunity to make their own choices. it was also achieved by knowing what was surrounding my children in there lives that could persuade them to want to lie to me - mom. and as i stated not only have i helped them appreciate me as their mother, i enabled them to appreciate me as human. as we all know humans make mistakes.giving your children choices or options in every aspect of their life leaves room for them to make mistakes-- exactly what i as parent want, them to make mistakes(lying could be one) now as a child. cause i don't want them carrying that technique into adulthood, we all know the consequences are greater. i say to my children all day long here you have two options! for example, my 3 year old would you like to wear the purple shirt or the red shirt, the white shoes or the black ones? would you like to ride your bike or go to the park for a duck feeding? would you like eggs or ceral this morning? all day everyday i give my 3 year old choices or options. then there is a 10 second rule. if she can't decide i decide and we go with that. the same goes for my 12 year oldchoices or options, 10 second rule---- and here is where the consequence comes in if they don't do what they have choosen to do and followed through by whatever they agreed to. then i tell them well let me think about it, you could even ask your child what an appropriate consequence is. my son has lied once in his whole life that i caught. i asked him point blank why? he said i lied casue i didn't feel like doing what you said and it was easy to just say i did and be done. my reply was well you have two choices you can come up with a consequence or i can that fits this lie. you know what he did-he wore a shirt that said i lied to mom for a week (washed it of course) and told 10 of friends about his lie , how it broke trust with me and how it hurt my feelings. so to some up my rambling. it is like this, for me to be a responsible adult i had to allow my children to responsbile children (brother, sister, volunteer, student, disciple, friend, cousin)and the only thing that i have found that is still working is giving them constant choices, options with the 10 second rule and consequences that fit when needed. i rarely if ever get mad, because i won't allow their actions to trigger me and loose control of my emotions which can take away from the real issue. i don't worry as much about either of them. i hear them using this technique on each other giving options and choices to each other and friends etc. but most of all i have seen the huge difference in the my son who doen't have to feel that he has to lie about anything and my daughter has calmed greatly. seeing my children as human first has helped me see all of them and them seeing all of me. and coming from a mother who violently abused me from 1 to 16 i am ever so proud to share. my son is adhd enhanced by ptsd and my daughter is add - and i can say it is the responsiblility of the parents to provide a loving, nuturing, choice filled, complimenting, rewarding, moving forward environment for children to prosper, even when the children continue to be liars or negative. role modeling the potential future of america is a grand job and that makes me feel blessed to have these two precious children. good luck to all.

Name: lkwxjrgxtr
Country: Burundi
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Name: worried mother
Country: U.S.A.
i think that is article is incomplete. the article ending by sayint that proper upbringing is all that is needed to help with childhood lying. also within the body of the article it discussed not having too high of expectations. this article needs to discuss the impact of school on the child lying. my son is 7 years old. he has started to lie to get out of the classroom because children around him are making fun of him and really hurting him. the teacher, is a very nice woman, but from the beginning, she has told my son that he does exceptional work and uses his work as an example in front of the class. i think that this has made him feel like her expectation for him is to always be perfect. it is not coming from my home, it is coming from school!!!!! i am very upset over this situation and i do not want to give the teacher a hard time because she is very nice, but i feel like it needs to stop for my son's sake. (i know that my son is not lying about his teacher doing this in class because it is also written on his work that he brings home) this article needs a little more work on covering school issues and lying because unfortunately, i have to give up my child for 6 1/2 hours per day that i cannot be with him and let others have complete influence over him.

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Country: Aland Islands
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Country: Aland Islands
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Name: Pharmb834
Country: Aland Islands
very nice site!

Name: Pharmd936
Country: Aland Islands
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Name: EMOTIONAL FOOL
Country: India
my kids are 24/7 on my mind.though i agree with most of the things,it becomes difficult to be patient and understaning all the time.i think if we are able to manage ourselves well,we can manage the kids.it always helps to see them as individuals and not generalise,and also put ourselves in their place before jumping to any conclusion.so,'self management' would be the answer according to me.

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