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Role of in-laws:Don't generalize the In laws as bad

2005-02-02

Name: For Augustborn Hi Augustborn,
I see you are so angry with all the In Laws of this world..In every forum I see your bitter comments about Mils and Sils, may be the reasonis you have a bad MIL or Sil but it doesn;t mean you have to generalize the problem.
Lemme ask you these questions..(as you have aske din ur last post and asked for reader's views)
1.Why we bitch about or MILs or SILs in public but hate if our brother's wife does the same to us or our mothers?
2.Why do we want our husbands to not talk to their parents with affection but want our brothers to be an obedient son even if it means ignoring or sister in laws?
Augustborn, you seem to have harbored anger and frustration because of sour relationship with your MIL or SIL, but please don't generalize this situation. I am a living proof of the sitautions wher in laws love their DILs as much as their daughters. So its not always true what you have written in your post here...
try to look for peace and harmony inside. Bitching about or generalize everybody's in laws as bad people will not give you happiness.

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2005-02-03

Name: dec_born
Subject:

I kind of agree with Don't generalize the In laws

Hi all,
I have been reading the posts here and I will agree that not all inlaws are bad. However I do think that they will be good only if u agree to what they say. DIL makes all the changes and then all is fine. Mine are pretty much ok kinds and I think they are becoz I found less and less reasons to pick up fights with them. I changed myself a lot. They are in India. My husband's younger brother and his wife stay with them. The younger couple is still not well settled so we from here totally support them.
Send $500 bucks a month. BTW, do you think that is a lot? I used to think that it is a lot and I had bitter fights with my hubby on this but he did not budge. So after that I separated my acct (I work in US) and feel much better after that.

MIL has come and stayed with me to help with my kids (I have 2 ). the first time was rough as everyone settled in but then next time was better. I do have to admit that it became better only becoz I gave her total control of the kitchen. She does not like anybody else doing stuff so i said fine do everything. Cook, clean dishes, mop the floor etc. She would not let me do anything saying ki 'tu tired hogi, rest karle', but I think she did not like my style of doing work thats why she used maaro that dialogue. Anyways maine aaram kiya. but that resulted in her controlling my kids too. she wud not let me feed them baby food etc (especially with my first one). I was a new mom and instead of teaching me on how to take care of kids she wud do all by herself. I was too naive to see all that...

Anyways now everything is kind of ok. Kids are growing up so now They are not here to help. With them not around I have become much more confident and a stonger person and now even if tey do visit which I am sure they will I hope to better put forth myself and my views and not get squished under her overbearing personality. She is very attached to my husband..elder son but luckily he is not at all mama's boy. Howeveer he will do anything for them. FIL is cool...I think he is too henpecked. :)

I guess I am just wrting with no formal thoughts. I guess what i am trying to say is that I totally udnerstand how MILS can be mean. So many of my friends are going thru this. But I guess the key is to be strong and confident (which i was not earlier so she sued boss around). I am hoping that I can practice what I am preaching next time inlaws come to US.

2005-02-03

Name: I like it
Subject:

a dil

Hi dec_born,
I really liked your approach. I almost underwent same kind of cicumstances with my first issue. Over bossy MIL and not allowing me to do things. The problem is I just don't like anyone taking charge of my kitchen so I just dispised when she used to boss around. But next time she visits I will just leave everything on her such that I can take rest and not to get bogged down by her attitude.

2005-02-02

Name: cd
Subject:

my 2 INR...

all i can say (again!) is i have learnt from the experiences of the people who contributed here. Some made me pity myself less! Really, to believe there are women in worser situations!

Some dils with greater spirits inspired me to not let the world look down on me. It somehow got my spine straight again. I felt better, less anxious. If it has done so much good to me, i dont think it can be bad.

2005-02-02

Name: augustborn
Subject:

Thanks for stopping by!

Hi Friend
I read your post for myself very carefully and also the posts which I had posted. I agree with you that they do sound angry but then this forum is for angry women who vent their problems here. Everyone and every problem is anoynomous. Please donot consider it as 'bitching'...why not consider it as simply venting. You would have noticed that most of the people on this board are people who have issues and are not blessed with loving and caring IL's.

Now coming to your questions:
1.Why we bitch about or MILs or SILs in public but hate if our brother's wife does the same to us or our mothers?

Ans. I donot know of any woman who would 'bitch' about her IL's without any reason. Afterall, dont we all like to be loved and want peace in our lives. Only when that peace is shattered do we share our issues with others. And when its an anoyomous board like this, what better place.
Speaking for myself, I would not resent if my SIL unburdened herself regd. my mom. I am a married woman myself and would be very sensitive to my SIL's feelings and motives...

2.Why do we want our husbands to not talk to their parents with affection but want our brothers to be an obedient son even if it means ignoring or sister in laws?

Ans. You are wrong in assuming that we dont want our husbands to respect their parents. But keeping your parents respect at the cost of harrasing and humilating your wife is not my idea of respect.
Again speaking for myself, I would never want my brother to ill-treat his wife at the cost of \";respecting\"; our parents. I detest double standards and would absolutely abhor them in myself...

I totally agree with you that one should not generalise about situations and appreciate your pointing it out.

Trust me friend, we are not a bunch of people who love IL bashing for no reason. We are here to share, provide comfort and support to each other and in intervals, make each other smile...
The best part is that none of us know each other but still can feel the camaradrie.
The ladies here want to find comfort, most of the times simply some one who will listen to them and not judge them. I dont consider that 'bitching' but if you do, thats for you to judge...
I am so happy for you that you have been blessed with good IL's. Do share some good stories with us. It will gladden everyone's heart here and bring back faith in everyone's heart that its not a lost cause yet...

Best of luck and be happy!

2005-02-03

Name: another dil
Subject:

I agree

Hello,
vd your parents sure are good and sensible enough. I have also seen some people like your parents. Other day I was talking to my friend and she was showing some pictures of her grandparents. They seemed very old but very much enjoying (as seemed in the picture) with the whole family. I just asked her whether your grandparents stay with your parents or were visiting you and she said no no they live in the same city, but from the day my dad got married my grandparents bought a new house for my parents and although they stay in the same city my grandparents insist on not living in the same house as it gives more space for the dil and there are no misunderstandings. I was so touched to see the foresight and good judgment of his old grandparents who thought of all this 35 years ago and are happily living with their family today. My friend told me that her mother never had and problems with her MIL (i.e. with the grandmother) and now her mother also think that kids should have their own privacy and already bought another house for her brother before he gets married.
I was just thinking about my MIL how mean she had been when I was with her and not only this she insists that all her four sons and DILs should stay with her and she can boss around. And now not even a single DIL is staying with her because of this nature. They don't even want to stay in the same city as they fear her so much. Not only this my MIL has created such a horrible misunderstanding among us (my co-sisters) that we just cannot imagine living in the same house and that too with her. My My that will be the last thing on earth.
I totally agree that parents should always give some space to their children and consider that now the society is changing its not those old days when girls used to get married in her teens without any education and used to be totally dependent on her husband. Now DILs are educated, they earn the equal amount as their husbands and don't need any kind of unnecessary restrictions imposed on her. Well I really wish I had such in-laws who could give me some space too.
...

2005-02-03

Name: vd
Subject:

i agree witha august born

I have recently started looking at this forum and realised that it is a good place to vent out the anger. We all are anonymous and can share feelings. I was really tense other day and just reading about others gave me strength that i am not alone.

One thing is for sure, the indian system of Joint families is passe.

We are 4 siblings and my parents chose to stay alone. The day my brother got engaged they told him to find another house(he is only son)as they thought it is not good to blame DIL later. HOw many ILs do that?

2005-02-03

Name: x
Subject:

I agree with augustborn

Just wanted to say that I agree completely with what augustborn says.

I wanted to add that I have been going through a hell for the past 8 years of my marriage because of my in-laws. When I got married I NEVER thought that in-laws can be such a big problem in anybodys life mainly because my mom had a nice relationship with my grandmother. So I know that though not perfect, my grandmother was a good mil.

Inspite of knowing this, after suffering for 8 years at the hands of my cruel in-laws I have started generalizing and feeling that 99 percent of the in-laws (especially Indian) are bad.

Experiences in life create your thoughts. You cannot blame anyone for generalizing,especially women in this forum, because most of them have had bad experiences with their in-laws for years, many with no hope for a better future.

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