Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi all,I am 32 year old relationship counsellor. I work in Mumbai and New York as my husband is here and my practice is there in Mumabi too where I was before marriage. My in laws are in Mumbai too.
I am reading these forums where all of you seem to have troubles in relationships with your MILs or In laws. Most of the cases I read , the MILs are \";Lalita Pawars\"; But does anybody try to think what THEY THEMSELVES are?? Are they sweet enough for their MILs? or not?
Actually in our society, since the childhood we are taught that inlaws and MILs are bad people (remember ur mom or grandmom saying saas ke ghar jaayegi tab pata chalega/ ya phir, kaam seekh lo nahi to saas kahegi ki maa ne kuchh bhi nahi sikhaya / milk piya karo nahi to saas kahegi ki maa ke ghar doodh nahi milta tha..Trust me, this is a very common situation and so we grow up thinking our MILs to be monsters!! So there is a defence mechanism working already..even before we get to know about or MILs.
To have a healthy relationship, we have to put us in their shoes. They are also using their defense mechanism as they are alos taught by the society that \";bahu ke aane ke baad sab badal jaat ahai/ beta bahu ka ho jaat hai et cetc\";. So both the parties are insecure in most cases.
Now, MILs are in that age where they can't chane . WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT. Now we can comprehand the situation better than them, so we have to be patient and mature. I am not saying to be TIMID AND COWARD, but to be think calmly.
Everybody has a mom, and most of of must be having brothers. Now imagine your sister in law is coming to your house? What would you or your mom will expect from her? Do the same to ur MIL as you would expect you SIL to do with ur MOm. IT CHANGES THE DYNAMICS ALTOGETHER!
Also, Please please don't fight with ur husband about these kitchen fights and petty polotics. Understand that you have to be in sync with him above all. I read a post in this orum where one lady is saying her husband is a chicken in front of his mom and that he answers all her question in details. She even said that lal the men who talk totheir mom like that are LOOSERS!!
Now lemme ask one question to that lady \"; If your brother speaks to your Mom with respect and affectiona nd obeys her, will he be a looser?' And if your sister in law makes fun of it, how would you feel?
Taali kabhi ek hath se nahi bajti..So before bitchng and cursing about our MILS , we have to look inwards, Analyse our behavior too..
I am not saying that all DILs are bad and all MIls are good. In some posts I read the stories of women who are really in trouble because the heartlessness or meanness of their MILs and Inlaws.. I totally encourage them to take harsh means and make their MILS understand the reality. But just because she is MIL doesn't mean you have right to bitch about her in public forums like these.
REMEMBER, AS A MODERN EDUCATED WOMEN ITS OUR RESPONSIBILTY TBE A BIGGER PERSON (NOT THE COWARD TIMID OR BITCHING PERSON, BUT BIGGER MATURE PERSON) AND TO MAKE OUR MILS OUNDERSTAND THE POINT. life replied. Hey dear Rani

Your last lines made me to reply to your message. You said being modern educated women its our responsibility to be a bigger person and to make our MIL understand the point..hahahaha...am unable to control my laugh..!!! first of all do you really think our MIL will listen to whatever we say?? and second dont u think as per your words we are trying to be bigger and matured here by sharing our experiences and getting solutions for our problems on this forum. Every DIL's problem is unique. The only one reason we are here on this board is to just to make peace with ourselves by finding solutions thats all. I personally feel I have found solutions and answers for my problems to some extent after reading messages and suggestions here. I mean may be by venting out our frustrations and getting views from others we might act differently at situations in the future. Thats all!!!
any ways good luck with your counselling!!! Counselling needed replied. Rani,
Do share your experiences with your inlaws with us. We can all learn something from you...
Please answer these questions with examples. It is good to know answers from a counsellors point of view.

How are we supposed to live with the biased attitude? How do you get over the insulting remarks they have made on your family? How do you make them understand that we don't want to be RULED all the time and want more space. It is a well known fact that two women cannot live under the same roof.Difference of opinion is bound to happen. Then why won't in-laws want their DILS to live seperately? Most of the time if INLAWS leave their SUPERIORTY COMPLEX behind ,things will work much better for everyone. x replied. My parents never said things about in-laws that you have mentioned in ur post. My mom and my grandmother had a good relationship and I never in my life thought that one day I would be hurt, depressed and frustrated because of in-law problems.

Initially I ignored a lot of things about my in-laws thinking that misunderstandings happen. But everything has a limit. I have lost hope. I am depressed to the extent that I have no friends anymore, cannot concentrate on my work etc. In fact I started going to a counselor because if I don't do something about this right now ,I will be in serious trouble.

The thing is that the counselor that I go to is an American. When I read the first few lines of ur post about u being a relationship counseler from India, the first thing that came to my mind was - great! An Indian counselor in the U.S. Just what I wanted. (I was looking for an Indian counselor since he/she can understand my in-laws issues better than an American counselor) I am going to ask her for her email address and get in touch with her for counseling sessions.

But after reading ur post I don't think that u r a relationship counselor at all, but a husband whose wife has issues with ur parents. And even if u r a relationship counselor you certainly not the one to whom women like me would think of coming to u for help. Diligent replied. First and foremost, are you a relationship counsellor for MIL or husbands or in general people? Because if you have not gone through this board properly, you will realise how many emotionally tortured and battered women come to pour out their feelings and problems.

Yes our mother's have told us from a young age that MIL are like this and that because in majority of cases it is true. They are training you for what to expect. Why do you think a girl child is considered a curse? People don't want to have baby girls because of dowry, daugher's being burnt to death and many such examples. And this happens in the wealthiest of families full of educated people.

And yes men are chickens! Because they can act all macho and egoistic with their wives. Show their mardangi by raising their hands on their wife. If a wife ask one detailed question they get irritated and brush you off. But when mummy wants to know what colour underwear you are wearing that day you will answer her. So yes they are loosers all the way!

And if my brother talked to my mum like a woman answering all her questions like a school kid I would definitely tell him to his face.

And no at no cost would I ever want my bhabhi to be unhappy because she is someone else's daugher and we should take care of her not misreat her.

So I think you are wrong but hey this is an open forum and one has the right to their opinion! Anu replied. Thanks for analysing the situation we ladies are facing. But there are a lot of things that I do not agree upon. My parents did not bring me up with any defence against my inlaws.
1. I would have treated my Inlaws with as much respect as I treat my parents with if they did not mentally torture my parents for dowry before my wedding.
2. I would love them if they did not expect me to be perfect in every thing. Everything I did was automatically worng at their place.
3. How can i care for someone who is insulting me and my parents all the time ? If I take all the insult, wouldn't it be killing our own self respect ?
About my brothers, I've got two. My parents did not take even a single penny from their wives' parents. My SILS love me like their own sister. My mother is working and my parents do not live with my brothers. They think that my brothers have their own family to take care of. So it is wrong to expect money or service from them or their wives. If every MIL and FIL thinks in the same way, this forum would not even be here.

cd replied. if you are a relationship counsellor, i am a real life suffering dil.

let me tell you, that my home environment was never like you have said.no one set an image in my head.

For me MIL was a completely new concept and a rude shock!

you say they arent going to change.when you talk about my mother behaving towards her son diff, i ask you in return, doesnt my MIL behave so towards her daughters.

A bigger mature person? age-wise i suppose at 50, some maturity has gotto catch up? do you think a 25 year old should be more mature than a 50 year old? arent you asking a little too much?

i dont know about the others, but i sure did get a hell of a lot of good reception after my marraige, turned up noses, insulting remarks. god! only if you had been in some of our places!

and from what i read most of teh DILs here did too.

those who have good inlaws would hardly turn up on this forum. even if they did, do you think they wold suddenly turn sour based on the experiences written here? gimme a break. i despise such in-laws whether they are my paremts or my husbands!

dont cite those hindi dialouges to prove anything.

the dynamics of the indian society are a fact.the son is such a point of ownership, that when the relationship changes a bit, the MIL FIL get jittery which they take out on the DIL this is a fact.the DIL during the new years of marraige is hardly ready to atke on such abuses. she silently suffers and builds resentment. Unless you take out this in due time, it can be such a deprassant.hence the life long ill feelings. hence the magnified view towards in-laws. As augustborn said ..they are nothing, they are just a small part in our life and if we keep them like that, however bad they say wont bother us.
this phase of awareness usually sets in after 10 years or so. you will find most of teh dils who write in are in the early 5 years. still dealing with non-acceptance, still establishing a place in the new family.

Lastly, i very strongly believe thet good at heart people cannot be terrible in-laws. People who are bad in laws are basically arrogant (on account of having raised a \";son\";). They are basically bad. becoming in-aws only compunds it.

no one is bad towards their own children, but only others. While our culture emphasises just the opposite point..well that teaching in our society has been lost on our in-laws!