The generation of Indian parents who are now 50 yrs and above in age do not really know what it feels like to have thier inlwas or parents stay with them for long periods of time. My inlaws lived in the city in India and my FIL is his fathers eldest son. But my inlaws decided that since my FIL's parents had lived in a village all their life they would not be able to adjust to city life so my inlaws lived by themselves raising their family in the city. My FIL's parents barely visited them once in their lifetime and quietly passed away in the village being taken care of by my FIL's youngest brother who lived with them and could do nothing much for a living.
Now my inlaws have migrated to the USA to live with us my husband being the eldest son. They want to do things their way and change our lifestyle to suit theirs and keep cursing how bad the life in USA is and how good it is in India. Apart from the constant crude unpleasant remarks that I have to endure constantly about the way we raise kids, the way we cook etc,On top of it MIL keeps telling me what an exemplary DIL she was never speaking a word against her MIL! It drives me nuts. Makes me wonder why can't they live in India obviously the same logic MIL applied to have her inlaws live in the village applies to her too.They are the most self centered generation I have ever seen! Our generation would never do this to their children since we know what a MIL problem is.I would never want my kids to have to face this when they grow up. I would rather live gracefully in a retirement home, if I felt my presence was a bother to them.
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The generation of Indian parents who are now 50 yrs and above in age do not really know what it feels like to have thier inlwas or parents stay with them for long periods of time. My inlaws lived in the city in India and my FIL is his fathers eldest son. But my inlaws decided that since my FIL's parents had lived in a village all their life they would not be able to adjust to city life so my inlaws lived by themselves raising their family in the city. My FIL's parents barely visited them once in their lifetime and quietly passed away in the village being taken care of by my FIL's youngest brother who lived with them and could do nothing much for a living.
Now my inlaws have migrated to the USA to live with us my husband being the eldest son. They want to do things their way and change our lifestyle to suit theirs and keep cursing how bad the life in USA is and how good it is in India. Apart from the constant crude unpleasant remarks that I have to endure constantly about the way we raise kids, the way we cook etc,On top of it MIL keeps telling me what an exemplary DIL she was never speaking a word against her MIL! It drives me nuts. Makes me wonder why can't they live in India obviously the same logic MIL applied to have her inlaws live in the village applies to her too.They are the most self centered generation I have ever seen! Our generation would never do this to their children since we know what a MIL problem is.I would never want my kids to have to face this when they grow up. I would rather live gracefully in a retirement home, if I felt my presence was a bother to them.
Tina replied. Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
Tina replied. I agree they have completely double standards as I recently found out. I saw my husbands childhood photos when he was young. His parents claim they sacrificed everything for their kids and lived poor and behave like martyr parents. Got treated as free domestic servant. But the photos showed them dressed like Bollywood stars with watches and jewellery enjoying their life. Out of 70 photos - only one or two are with the old orthodox mother in-laws. The rest are all my mother in-laws family who were modern. But they expect their modern daughter in law live according to the 1980s.
I found a way out through my own son. We have taught him unconditional love - he does not know how much his father earns. The cost of our homes or cars. He lives his parents for who they are not what he can use them for. This plus them being stuck in India during the pandemic has let me raise my child my ways with my values. He is American Indian. They the in-laws know it now. Material things go away. Knowledge goes nowhere.
freakydesi replied. Hi Guys,
This is a catch22 situation for all of us. We can't throw them out of our house and we can't live with them either.
My in-laws are living with us in the US since last 8yrs. And in these years my life has been a living hell most of the time. My husband and me never shared any bonding or understanding coz they never let us.
My mil meddles in all our affairs. They trash the house like anything coz conveniently when it comes to cleaning its our house. But when they visit their 3 daughters, she keeps instructing my kids and us how we should not do this or that as the house will get dirty. My FIL will be so careful too when he goes there.
Just this morning I found a banana peel and a green chilly sitting on the carpet in the family room since last night.
She comments on everything I do. Untill now I never replied her back but kept doing whatever I want. If I take my kids out for activity she is mad coz it seems we don't cook on saturdays. Me and my husband are busy Saturday afternoons with kids activity so we don't cook and get something from outside or eat left overs and then we cook in the evening. We get food for them too which she will eat very tastefully commenting on which pasta or soup she prefers but then she keeps nagging me that everybody cooks on saturday whereas we don't.
She commented about this on Friday and on Saturday morning I just took my kids for karate and then went to the mall and only returned at 3:00 pm. I was like what were you thinking, if u nag I will stop doing that. NO WAY!! I will do it all the more....
Whenever I am talking to my kids, she will be talking to them in parallel. Whenever I am feeding them, she will butt in and pull the plate from me and starts feeding them.
She will constantly comment on everything we do. Gosh! when I reach home, I have no peace. She has so many comments on me and my kids.
She cooks spicy food and then when the kids don't eat it, she gets upset with me. If I want to make something for myself, she is angry again.
God, help me. All I every prayed to god was for peace of mind and that's the only thing I don't have.
Well the only way to deal with their stress is to ignore them. I royally ignore and don't answer anything she asks or comments. And if I really have to answer, I just say ask ur son or I don't know.
But I never argue with her or reply back. I give her shock treatment. Sometimes nice and sometimes indifferent....
Also I never give up my life style for them. If I want to do something that makes me happy, I do it.
I have realized she is not going anywhere and also she has her son in her control so she has a win win situation. I have just learnt to ignore her and her comments and lead my own life...
saheli replied. Hi Angelica,
I am in the same boat as you. Both the inlaws visited us 3 years back and made my life hell.I almost avoided them staying 12 hours at work and working weekends.Now as we got citizen ship , Hubby is planning to sponsor the GC for them. I already started having nightmares, don't know what to do. In laws don't understand our situation and expect us to be like DIL's from movies by taking all there tantrums. I feel so releived talking to people in the same situation, it really makes me feel that I am not alone.Thank you for sharing and any solutions to get away with this problem is also appreciated.
a friend replied. Hi Angelica,
I ve almost the similar story...
mil never stayed with her inlaws thinking her inlaws r best with their village life, cursing them for being mean, old fashioned etc. etc.
now wants to stay with us...
not that she wants to come to US but she wants us to move back to india with our two kids and stay with her n fil...
She doesn't get that I ve a job, my hubby has a job n kids r all well settled in school, n how difficult it is to move...
but what an irony, the thing she never did for her inlaws, now wants me to do for her (I wonder whether she would have moved to the village for her inlaw's sake, HA!!!)
I totally agree \";They are the most self centered generation!!!\";
2021-12-26
#1
Name: Tina Subject: RE:self centered inlaws
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
2021-12-26
#2
Name: Tina Subject: RE:self centered inlaws
I agree they have completely double standards as I recently found out. I saw my husbands childhood photos when he was young. His parents claim they sacrificed everything for their kids and lived poor and behave like martyr parents. Got treated as free domestic servant. But the photos showed them dressed like Bollywood stars with watches and jewellery enjoying their life. Out of 70 photos - only one or two are with the old orthodox mother in-laws. The rest are all my mother in-laws family who were modern. But they expect their modern daughter in law live according to the 1980s.
I found a way out through my own son. We have taught him unconditional love - he does not know how much his father earns. The cost of our homes or cars. He lives his parents for who they are not what he can use them for. This plus them being stuck in India during the pandemic has let me raise my child my ways with my values. He is American Indian. They the in-laws know it now. Material things go away. Knowledge goes nowhere.
2006-03-06
#3
Name: freakydesi Subject: been there done it
Hi Guys,
This is a catch22 situation for all of us. We can't throw them out of our house and we can't live with them either.
My in-laws are living with us in the US since last 8yrs. And in these years my life has been a living hell most of the time. My husband and me never shared any bonding or understanding coz they never let us.
My mil meddles in all our affairs. They trash the house like anything coz conveniently when it comes to cleaning its our house. But when they visit their 3 daughters, she keeps instructing my kids and us how we should not do this or that as the house will get dirty. My FIL will be so careful too when he goes there.
Just this morning I found a banana peel and a green chilly sitting on the carpet in the family room since last night.
She comments on everything I do. Untill now I never replied her back but kept doing whatever I want. If I take my kids out for activity she is mad coz it seems we don't cook on saturdays. Me and my husband are busy Saturday afternoons with kids activity so we don't cook and get something from outside or eat left overs and then we cook in the evening. We get food for them too which she will eat very tastefully commenting on which pasta or soup she prefers but then she keeps nagging me that everybody cooks on saturday whereas we don't.
She commented about this on Friday and on Saturday morning I just took my kids for karate and then went to the mall and only returned at 3:00 pm. I was like what were you thinking, if u nag I will stop doing that. NO WAY!! I will do it all the more....
Whenever I am talking to my kids, she will be talking to them in parallel. Whenever I am feeding them, she will butt in and pull the plate from me and starts feeding them.
She will constantly comment on everything we do. Gosh! when I reach home, I have no peace. She has so many comments on me and my kids.
She cooks spicy food and then when the kids don't eat it, she gets upset with me. If I want to make something for myself, she is angry again.
God, help me. All I every prayed to god was for peace of mind and that's the only thing I don't have.
Well the only way to deal with their stress is to ignore them. I royally ignore and don't answer anything she asks or comments. And if I really have to answer, I just say ask ur son or I don't know.
But I never argue with her or reply back. I give her shock treatment. Sometimes nice and sometimes indifferent....
Also I never give up my life style for them. If I want to do something that makes me happy, I do it.
I have realized she is not going anywhere and also she has her son in her control so she has a win win situation. I have just learnt to ignore her and her comments and lead my own life...
2006-03-05
#4
Name: saheli Subject: I 'm sailing in the same boat
Hi Angelica,
I am in the same boat as you. Both the inlaws visited us 3 years back and made my life hell.I almost avoided them staying 12 hours at work and working weekends.Now as we got citizen ship , Hubby is planning to sponsor the GC for them. I already started having nightmares, don't know what to do. In laws don't understand our situation and expect us to be like DIL's from movies by taking all there tantrums. I feel so releived talking to people in the same situation, it really makes me feel that I am not alone.Thank you for sharing and any solutions to get away with this problem is also appreciated.
2006-03-05
#5
Name: angelica Subject: advice?
Hi,
How can I advice you when I have no solution for this problem? The only thing we can do is to look for some way to handle this stress. Letting some steam off on this board helps. I tried telling my hubby not to sponsor and he understands my point of view however his brothers who also live in the US insisted that the parents had to stay in the US and one of them went ahead and sponsored them. The irony again is that my hubby being the eldest is expected to take care of them by virtue of being the eldest! Even my inlaws and my hubby himself takes this for granted. So when they go over to the BIL's places they behave like guests with my BILs wives making it clear that they will do things their way, but here my MIL tells me this is not just my house but hers too, obviously no household or office can have two bosses doing the same job in two different ways!Another factor is that I am the only DIL who is of their caste and I was chosen by her and heavily recommended by her to my hubby for which my hubby says I should be grateful to her! The other brothers chose their own wives and they are not of the same caste as ours. This factor has worked against me rather than be in my favor!Here she picks on me for not cooking exactly like her at the others homes she does not expect it of them because they are not of the same caste! The story can go on ... but I really do not see a solution. None of my friends have this problem some how they have avoided this inlaw problem mainly because their husbands have been firm with their parents and set the limits clearly to them. I too feel better sharing this problem with people who understand what it is!
2006-03-04
#6
Name: a friend Subject: I agree with you dear friend...
Hi Angelica,
I ve almost the similar story...
mil never stayed with her inlaws thinking her inlaws r best with their village life, cursing them for being mean, old fashioned etc. etc.
now wants to stay with us...
not that she wants to come to US but she wants us to move back to india with our two kids and stay with her n fil...
She doesn't get that I ve a job, my hubby has a job n kids r all well settled in school, n how difficult it is to move...
but what an irony, the thing she never did for her inlaws, now wants me to do for her (I wonder whether she would have moved to the village for her inlaw's sake, HA!!!)
I totally agree \";They are the most self centered generation!!!\";
2006-03-08
#7
Name: OMG Subject: Oh my god..
The heights of such situations are when these inlaws lie about their past with their inlaws rather than learn from their mistakes after all their "judgement day" is closer by.
I mean we dil's will make our judgements about them no matter what they say, so why do they take the effort to lie about how good they were when every other proof points the other way.
For eg: my mil's mil was renowned to be a great lady, really classy and intelligent. My mil on the other hand was highly dehati and conservative. mil's mil lets call her gmil has been known to never speak ill of anybody and get along with just everybody except my mil and that too she didnt tell anybody but the dil that took care of her(no points for guessing not my mil) but my mil who doesnt know this lies to me about fake praises her mil gave her so that i do her seva.
Both my parents and my husband's had lots of helps being in govt service so she has no experience of doing things on her own and even though my husband and i were raised by not doing any work, today we do all our stuff ourselves like regular adults but she still thinks she is living in rajshahi and expects to be served hand & foot.
I am so P!$$#% with her that i get mad at thinking how she is and how nobody tells her anything.
Oh yes i tried telling her in the best way and she created a big huge misunderstanding making me look like some crazy lunatic. And the worst part is even though everybody in that room knew she was the liar nobody said a word. huh..
If your MIL doesn't want to come to US you are better off. Because it is worse to put up with inlaws here. Here their only interaction is with their sons and the son's family. That puts incredible pressure on the son and his wife. At least in India they interact with others too that makes it a wee bit less stressful for inlaws and us.On the whole this inlaw problem is a very stressful problem and we put up with it only because the inlaws have raised their sons especially the eldest with the expectation that the sons must look after them and be responsible for them in old age. The irony is that they themselves did nothing of that sort for their own parents or inlaws!
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& Answers to Topic : self centered inlaws
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No need to go anywhere else.
& Answers to Topic : self centered inlaws
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No need to go anywhere else.
I feel that my husbands parents are using their son. My husband is from India and I am from the USA. He obtained his greencard and citizenship through me after coming here. He is a physician and obtained his residency training. I worked to earn for our family for two years until he got his job. Then he applied for his parents to visit us on a visiting visa. We were both wo... - Tina Shah [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
I agree they have completely double standards as I recently found out. I saw my husbands childhood photos when he was young. His parents claim they sacrificed everything for their kids and lived poor and behave like martyr parents. Got treated as free domestic servant. But the photos showed them dressed like Bollywood stars with watches and jewellery enjoying their life. O... - Tina [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve. ... - Tina [View Message]
RE:Jadu on food?
Hi , I am facing the same thing.. I married my husband and we are not only from different caste but also different country. My in-laws are so nice to me on face but I can sense the jealousy and that inferiority majorly in my mother in law and my sister in law.. I never had such doubts but I experienced pain sadness , depression while they use to be nice .. and it was confu... - Noname [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
if you are rudely talking with her, then this is not way to talking with your mother in law, you tell her in polite way, your son is her grand son, so she never think about his bad effects.... - ruchita [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
stop your negative thinking towards your mother in law, she is your son grand mother too, so if she gave some sweet like sugar to him its just because of her love towards him.... - reshma [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
if you are dont like your mother in law behaviour then tell her on face, that you dont whenever she gave sugar to her son, so she may be stop giving sugar to him, and your porblem will be sort out.... - kamna [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
RE:self centered inlaws
been there done it
Name: angelica
advice?
Oh my god..
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