Hi,
I have a problem related to my MIL. She has never visited any big city even in India, and belongs to a very remote town. She is kind of backward. I stay abroad with my hubby. So, whenever I talk to her she always has bad things to talk regarding staying abroad. Like people don't care about each other, one doesn't get maids/servants etc. One has to do their laundry on their own. No gossip among neighborhood ladies (which she always does). I have told her several times that its all fine with me and I am happily living here and I don't have any problems. I am used to all this as I was raised abroad. But my MIL has same old fashioned mentality. Sometimes she really gets into my nerves. When I tell this to my hubby he asks me to ignore her remarks. But the problem is I have to talk to her almost on daily basis (when my hubby talks to her). And I hear the same stuff everyday. I am really bugged with this behavior of hers. As whenever I talk she will ask me what I did the whole day and will try to give her own instructions even if they are not welcome and insist that how easy it is in India to handle such things. For example when I told her about the day care center here (as I am a working woman and I have a 1 yr old baby), she started giving me instructions about how in joint families in India kids are being taken care of by the family and kids don't go to day care. And all negative things about day care. Its too much now, I just can't it take anymore.
Please help!!!
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Hi,
I have a problem related to my MIL. She has never visited any big city even in India, and belongs to a very remote town. She is kind of backward. I stay abroad with my hubby. So, whenever I talk to her she always has bad things to talk regarding staying abroad. Like people don't care about each other, one doesn't get maids/servants etc. One has to do their laundry on their own. No gossip among neighborhood ladies (which she always does). I have told her several times that its all fine with me and I am happily living here and I don't have any problems. I am used to all this as I was raised abroad. But my MIL has same old fashioned mentality. Sometimes she really gets into my nerves. When I tell this to my hubby he asks me to ignore her remarks. But the problem is I have to talk to her almost on daily basis (when my hubby talks to her). And I hear the same stuff everyday. I am really bugged with this behavior of hers. As whenever I talk she will ask me what I did the whole day and will try to give her own instructions even if they are not welcome and insist that how easy it is in India to handle such things. For example when I told her about the day care center here (as I am a working woman and I have a 1 yr old baby), she started giving me instructions about how in joint families in India kids are being taken care of by the family and kids don't go to day care. And all negative things about day care. Its too much now, I just can't it take anymore.
Please help!!!
Rani replied. But in this situation you have to understand few things.
1.Your MIL is form a very different background(as you told in ur post), and she has been there since her childhhod, so its not justified to expect her to suudenly change and behave like modern educated women.
2. You have be a bigger person here caus you are educated, modern and have the mind to understand and comprehand the ituation better than her.
So In this situation the best thing is to ignore her remarks or just to tell her that you have got friends and neighbours who are good (she is not coming daily to see whether you have got neighbors or not). Also try to make her understand bout the culture and lifestyle here. Imagine if it were your mother, won't you expalin everything to her in detail without getting tensed.
You are a mature, educated woman, you have to think like one. Cursing your MIL or discussing these things with some ladies who are laready not getting along with their mom in laws will not solve the trouble.
Remember, all our education and intelligence is proved only when we are faced with troubles , specially in relationships and how we tackle them is the proof that we are worth our so called \";modern upbringing\";
Just think if it were your mother and her DIL, will you expect her to bitch about her on these forums with other ladies??
Don't be offended, calm down and think with cool..Your husband loves you and understands your problme,..(as he only suggested to ignore the remarks). So be brave, be mature and be a bigger person than your uneduacted, conservative MIL. Thats when it makes sense!
augustborn replied. I totally totally agree with Diligent...We should all be very very careful in our relationship with our husbands. Remember they are used to coddling and being pampered by their mothers. Now as a wife if they get all this from their wives plus the added benefits(sorry for being sassy), why would they want anyone else?
Men are very sharp to find out which way their bread is buttered...so darlings
1. Be very lovey-dovey with your husbands.
2. NEVER NEVER fight about your inlaws with them.
3. Show the hurt they caused you(due to actions/words) when you love them sooooo muuuuuchhhhh.
About your specific problem, just express your anguish to your husband and tell him that their words hurt you. You love and respect them a lot but you need a break.
You dont need to talk about your daily matters to them or your SIL.
Whatever they tell their son, you neednt bother about that, its his headache but you do have a control to what they tell you. For example, whenever they embark on their \";bhashan\";, tell them very politely but firmly that you really dont want to talk about it/pass the phone to ur husband. Eventually they will get the message that you are not interested in talking crap with them.
Regarding your SIL, just give her a piece of your mind and tell her to mind her own business.
Tell her:
Why did you have to tell mom-dad back in India about .... illness and particulars. Your thoughtlessness caused them pain. They are old people and we should spare them pain and agitation. We should try to keep them happy and even if we go through hardships, we should make sure that they never know. So, henceforth, kindly spare them this pain in future...
and see how your huband reacts to that speech....
Keep us posted...
3.
Diligent replied. The next time the old hag tells you, you are not a good mother, tell her in a serious tone, don't be judgmental. This is my child and I will raise it the way I want not the way anybody else wishes. And my husband doesn't seem to have a problem with what I am doing. The best time to tell her off is when hubby is not around. That way it's your word against hers. And if she tells hubby and he questions you, act surprised and tell him I have no idea what you are talking about. I haven't even spoken to your mum. And honestly, do you think I have the time to take panga with your mum!
If she calls in the middle of the night to give \";bhashan\"; hand the phone to your hubby and tell him I can't deal with this at this hour, please you handle it. Why do you have to listen to her crap after a hard day.
I doubt it very much that your hubby would want to settle back in India. So if MIL & FIL give bhashan to him to return you smile at him sweetly and tell him \";honey you are most welcome to go if you want too, I am staying right here!\";
Join a nice mum tot workshop, where you get to go out and meet other mums. You will feel so much better and not that frustrated. The mum & tot swim clubs are really good.
As for your SIL don't worry about her. She is frustrated sitting at home and not being useful and therefore trying to meddle in your affairs. Just let her be. And dare she say anything to your face. You tell her off!
Be strong, get over the birthing blues and become tough or they will eat you up.
viki replied. hi,again
looks like you've got double the trouble (fil & mil)join force.well, honestly i've stopped comunciating with my mil for at least 6mths for intruding too much in my life. weekends i'll juz leave home with my kidz for long hours & returned home juz before my kids bedtime. guess wat happen after sometime she started goin out on weekends before myself giving me some room to breathe. i've had my tough times with her she'll go in with non-stop complains abt me to our live in maid.when it's alittle too much to handle i'll just cry in frustration behind close doors.
viki replied. hi,
i been there before believe me. i'm a singaporean & my in-law is frm kerala. she was tough nut to crack.gettin use to her was real challenge.wk-ends will b terrible.since i'm working i don't have much to worry in the week days.ignoring her remarks & remaining silence was the best treatment. it's been 5yrs now.i've manage tackle her. give yourself more time
augustborn replied. Hey bugged!
Well as you husband said, Ignore what she says. Take heart from the fact that shes trying to run your house from the other side of the world and is not actually present there :)
As you said shes old fashioned, well she will never change. But what you can do is:
1. Start doing some stuff for your baby when you guys call her so that you can say few hurried words and rush off.
2. Start doing stuff in kitchen etc...just make up work for yourself so that no one feels bad about it including your husband.
But actually the real solution is to ignore...
Let us know if these tactics work. None of these are tried and tested so you can test these out for us all..:)
2005-02-02
#1
Name: Rani Subject: I understand your problem
But in this situation you have to understand few things.
1.Your MIL is form a very different background(as you told in ur post), and she has been there since her childhhod, so its not justified to expect her to suudenly change and behave like modern educated women.
2. You have be a bigger person here caus you are educated, modern and have the mind to understand and comprehand the ituation better than her.
So In this situation the best thing is to ignore her remarks or just to tell her that you have got friends and neighbours who are good (she is not coming daily to see whether you have got neighbors or not). Also try to make her understand bout the culture and lifestyle here. Imagine if it were your mother, won't you expalin everything to her in detail without getting tensed.
You are a mature, educated woman, you have to think like one. Cursing your MIL or discussing these things with some ladies who are laready not getting along with their mom in laws will not solve the trouble.
Remember, all our education and intelligence is proved only when we are faced with troubles , specially in relationships and how we tackle them is the proof that we are worth our so called \";modern upbringing\";
Just think if it were your mother and her DIL, will you expect her to bitch about her on these forums with other ladies??
Don't be offended, calm down and think with cool..Your husband loves you and understands your problme,..(as he only suggested to ignore the remarks). So be brave, be mature and be a bigger person than your uneduacted, conservative MIL. Thats when it makes sense!
2005-01-31
#2
Name: augustborn Subject: Be clever dear...
I totally totally agree with Diligent...We should all be very very careful in our relationship with our husbands. Remember they are used to coddling and being pampered by their mothers. Now as a wife if they get all this from their wives plus the added benefits(sorry for being sassy), why would they want anyone else?
Men are very sharp to find out which way their bread is buttered...so darlings
1. Be very lovey-dovey with your husbands.
2. NEVER NEVER fight about your inlaws with them.
3. Show the hurt they caused you(due to actions/words) when you love them sooooo muuuuuchhhhh.
About your specific problem, just express your anguish to your husband and tell him that their words hurt you. You love and respect them a lot but you need a break.
You dont need to talk about your daily matters to them or your SIL.
Whatever they tell their son, you neednt bother about that, its his headache but you do have a control to what they tell you. For example, whenever they embark on their \";bhashan\";, tell them very politely but firmly that you really dont want to talk about it/pass the phone to ur husband. Eventually they will get the message that you are not interested in talking crap with them.
Regarding your SIL, just give her a piece of your mind and tell her to mind her own business.
Tell her:
Why did you have to tell mom-dad back in India about .... illness and particulars. Your thoughtlessness caused them pain. They are old people and we should spare them pain and agitation. We should try to keep them happy and even if we go through hardships, we should make sure that they never know. So, henceforth, kindly spare them this pain in future...
and see how your huband reacts to that speech....
Keep us posted...
3.
2005-01-31
#3
Name: Diligent Subject: Dear bugged
The next time the old hag tells you, you are not a good mother, tell her in a serious tone, don't be judgmental. This is my child and I will raise it the way I want not the way anybody else wishes. And my husband doesn't seem to have a problem with what I am doing. The best time to tell her off is when hubby is not around. That way it's your word against hers. And if she tells hubby and he questions you, act surprised and tell him I have no idea what you are talking about. I haven't even spoken to your mum. And honestly, do you think I have the time to take panga with your mum!
If she calls in the middle of the night to give \";bhashan\"; hand the phone to your hubby and tell him I can't deal with this at this hour, please you handle it. Why do you have to listen to her crap after a hard day.
I doubt it very much that your hubby would want to settle back in India. So if MIL & FIL give bhashan to him to return you smile at him sweetly and tell him \";honey you are most welcome to go if you want too, I am staying right here!\";
Join a nice mum tot workshop, where you get to go out and meet other mums. You will feel so much better and not that frustrated. The mum & tot swim clubs are really good.
As for your SIL don't worry about her. She is frustrated sitting at home and not being useful and therefore trying to meddle in your affairs. Just let her be. And dare she say anything to your face. You tell her off!
Be strong, get over the birthing blues and become tough or they will eat you up.
2005-01-31
#4
Name: Diligent Subject: one more thing
oh and I forgot to add please don't get into fights with hubby. This is the common mistake we ladies make. It should be the opposite, be extremely nice to him, show him you love him, have a good laugh together, go out, make him feel loved and happy. So that when his family creates tension he truly feels like, we are happy in our own little world until these guys butt in! Good luck my dear
2005-01-31
#5
Name: viki Subject: rescue
hi,again
looks like you've got double the trouble (fil & mil)join force.well, honestly i've stopped comunciating with my mil for at least 6mths for intruding too much in my life. weekends i'll juz leave home with my kidz for long hours & returned home juz before my kids bedtime. guess wat happen after sometime she started goin out on weekends before myself giving me some room to breathe. i've had my tough times with her she'll go in with non-stop complains abt me to our live in maid.when it's alittle too much to handle i'll just cry in frustration behind close doors.
2005-01-28
#6
Name: viki Subject: Re -don't worry
hi,
i been there before believe me. i'm a singaporean & my in-law is frm kerala. she was tough nut to crack.gettin use to her was real challenge.wk-ends will b terrible.since i'm working i don't have much to worry in the week days.ignoring her remarks & remaining silence was the best treatment. it's been 5yrs now.i've manage tackle her. give yourself more time
2005-01-28
#7
Name: augustborn Subject: dont worry!
Hey bugged!
Well as you husband said, Ignore what she says. Take heart from the fact that shes trying to run your house from the other side of the world and is not actually present there :)
As you said shes old fashioned, well she will never change. But what you can do is:
1. Start doing some stuff for your baby when you guys call her so that you can say few hurried words and rush off.
2. Start doing stuff in kitchen etc...just make up work for yourself so that no one feels bad about it including your husband.
But actually the real solution is to ignore...
Let us know if these tactics work. None of these are tried and tested so you can test these out for us all..:)
2005-01-30
#8
Name: bugged Subject: thank you
Thanks all of you for your kind suggestions.
I have tried all the tricks. Ignoring her and trying to keep myself busy but this has all increased my frustration with my in-laws. My husband's sister is also staying here in US but in a different city. She is not working and has a lot of free time which she utilizes in getting the maximum information about our household and tells each and every detail
to her mother (i.e. my MIL). Last month my baby was sick, so my hubby took half day off and took the baby to a doctor (I had some work so I couldn't go along). My SIL when she came to know immediately she called her mother and told her. And you know my MIL called us in the middle of the night around 2 (we were fast asleep) and started giving her "bhashan". That I am not taking good care of her grandson etc. etc. The doctors are not good enough in US. Its much better in India and parents take better care and all that rubbish. Whether its India or US all parents are worried about their kids, who is she to tell me that I am not taking care of MY CHILD.
To tell you the truth my hubby till he was in India he always had some kind of health problems and only after coming to US he feels better health wise. But its very difficult to convince her.
As I told you that she belongs to a very small and remote town she thinks even all small towns in US are like that. Once we told the city we live in is small (what we meant was in comparison to New York or other big cities in US). From that day onwards she is always saying you folks live in a village where no facilities are. I told her several times even villages in US are much better than big cities in India. But she is beyond any explanation.
How much can a person ignore there should be a limit to everything. And to add to my frustration my FIL also joins my MIL and gives a long long bhashan to my hubby of how good it is to live in India and raise the kids there.
As I said it has become almost daily routine for me, sometimes I land up with big fights with my hubby which I later regret. Please suggest me when your in-laws behave this way how you guys answer them such that they don't bug anymore :(
Ignoring isn't working that much!
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Be clever dear...
Name: Diligent
rescue
thank you
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