Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I had a horrible time when my MIL was visiting . My Husband also changed his colours . It was a very frightening and sad time for me . I physically abused by my husband had a baby at that time and was mentally abused by MIL.
The problem is that my Husband has realised his mistake and wants to make amends . But I am suffering from major resentment and anger . More than a year has gone by I fight with him , discuss daily 4-5 hours how badly his mother treated me and how he was etc etc . I cry a lot too . Consequently I am unhappy and he is also unhappy . I cant stop .Every little thing he says hurts me so much puts me in bad mood and then discussion starts again leading to major fights . I know if this keeps up we will certainly get divorced . I dont know what to do < I feel so hurt even now . How do I stop contaminating my home atmosphere . How ? Please help me . augustborn replied. \";Let every woman keep a school;
because every man born is a fool.\";

I truly believe this...

Trust me friend, the best way to solve your problem is to be clever around your husband when it comes to your IL's.
I agree that you can never ever forget what your IL's did to you or for that matter how your husband behaved but try the following:

Dealing with IL's: Dont give your IL's the satisfaction of knowing that you and your husband fight because of them. Never ever fight with your husband because of them. Ignore them completely. When you visit them, ignore them completely. Give them the silent treatment but when other people are around especially your husband be nice and sweet. I know this sounds very evil but remember how badly they treated you. Never complain about them to your husband but narrate whatever they say to you in a matter of fact tone. Since he always defends them, ask him \";This is what they said...I dont want to misunderstand so what do you think they meant by this\";...see the difference darling...he will still defend them and all you have to do is
agree with him saying \";I guess you are right\";...A time will come when even he will feel foolish about making all those stories for his parents...
When your husband calls, dont refuse to talk to them...say hi--hello very nicely so that your husband can never find any fault with your behaviour...

Dealing with husband: Be smart with him. Unfortunately, Indian men will never believe that their parents could be bad and unless your MIL herself confesses to him that she ill-treats you dont expect him to believe you...
So sit down with him and say that you thought about it all and you want to start afresh and forget about the past...Make sure that you never bring up his parent's topic. Throw them aout of your life. Do you want to give them the pleasure of knowing that you are unhappy with your husband. Enjoy yourself. Just tell yourself, I have to be happy because my IL's dont want me to be so. Just to spite them, stay happy...
Go Girl...Go life replied. Hey friend
I totally agree with the words of mhere
I was also mentally tortured by my MIL during first few years of marriage. Believe me being in the same house she never used to wish me on my bday and she expected loads of gifts from us on her bday!!!
After coming to the US, I thought by talking and complaining and explaining I can atleast make my hubby realise the pain his MOM caused me. but the answer was nada...ZERO nothing worked out and he even once try to tell me that all these complaining wont work against his mom and he ALWAYS tries to defend his mom even if she says horse has 3 legs it is correct for him
So pleaseeeeee stop bring up MIL topic between you and your husband. See it for one week and you will know the result. I think we DIL's should start leaving for ourselves rather than thinking about the BAD MIL's. When they are happy why cant we be happy.
Just forget and ignore should be the MANTRA...
Hope this helps solution replied. hi,
the same cause happened to me to...being pregnant and abused by mil and my husband cant talk against his parents and wants me to do everything they want us to do.v too had lots of quarrel but not anymore.
v had an agreement to lead our life happily.here r a few of those:
1)if u dont have problems with each other as a spouse then its well and good not to speak about things that make u dull and upset.
2)both respect each others views and never force others to do so.
3)dont have ego within yourselves.dont have i do this to u so u must do it to me.
4)dont only think from ur point of view,also think from the other side b4 u do r speak something, that will solve most of the problems.

5)if only the behaviour of ur in laws is the problem say to urself that u hear two hoots to them.u can always forgive ur husband if u truly love him and the vice versa applies.
ignore the talks of ils as much as possible i u dont like to,r dont get angry on that talk.
6)lastly,think of this ur ils may be with u for a max. of next 20years but ur life with ur husband is for life long ie.,max. of 40-50years so don't quarrel with ur husband and waste ur life.

enjoy ur life!!!!!!!!!!be positive.never hurt others at the same time dont spoil ur life urself.think from all sides b4 u act.never do things that u regret later.
i did all these things and to be honest i'm very happy now with my husband and child.live ur life for urself.
all the best!!!!!!!!!
mhere replied. Dear Help, I dont know what it was, I come on this site for the first time n the first problem I see matches my troubles to the hilt. I have had the same kind of experience for the past two years of our marriage. When I was back in India I was put under too much work pressure, abuse n neglect by my inlaws n if I start to write the problems n hurts they have caused me even when I was full term pregnant I can write a book.To top it my hubby is a total mamma's boy. Mom can do or mean no wrong, she's a \";devi\";. Then after my delivery we moved out of the country. Here, even though I got cooperation from my hubby, the memories of his n his family's past behaviour kept haunting me, n we have wasted so much of time fighting over one past issue or another. After umpteenth number of fights we started to settle down with each other. But then came the time to visit the In laws again...n I had thought(wrongly)that my hubby might have started to understand my problems or perhaps the time gap might have changed my in laws a little bit n since we r visiting for such a short period after such a long time they might be at least a little understanding. But...but..but... I was surprised to see nothing had changed everything was the same including my hubby. From the moment we were there HE was the same n MOMA dear was the same. Both of them behaved very badly not only with me but also with my parents. Even though I m back now but still all those memories r still haunting me n hurting me..To top it all the dissillusionment with my hubby hurts the most as he had promised to be so very understanding though the only standing he was .. was behind his mommy dear. So as a fellow woman n mom I will tell u the same thing I m trying to do. First just dont fight with ur hubby about ur inlaws..its not worth it. It solves nothing n ur inlaws continue to live between u n him despite their physical absence.This time after coming back I did not mention much about any of the incidents n getting angry with him. But yes I very matter of factly informed him about all the \";loving comments\"; n behaviour showered on me. N as usual he defended them. So I left it there n then, even though it hurts inside I dont talk about it with my hubby as since when he defends them its \";chidko namak on jala\";. It only hurts more n more. So Just stop talking to ur hubby about it. He will never understand no matter how much he claims to behind closed doors. N he will never evver do anything to change the situation. If u think that ur talking to him continuously will make him fight for u with his mom - FORGET IT. He won't. Second, do the same with urself. Dont punish urself...dear its not worth it. If they dont care for us why should we \";jalao our khoon\"; for them. Concentrate on positive things...try to be happy with Urself....U r a complete person in urself without any kind of acknowledgement from anyone....Its not easy to let it go but u can limit ur damages a lot by not talking about it again n again.