Hi everyone.
I have been reading quite a few if these posts and am very tempted to seek like DILS advice. please tell me a way out.
My in-laws are a very orthodox in their mannerisms. Orthodox is very kindly put. Actually i am horrified at some of their customs which are so demeaning for women.
I have been thru what appears usual, the naive me, the son-husband struggle, the over possesive MIL, the not able to meet my family, the switch from independant daughter to a seeking permission to buy a matchbox daughter-in-law. Disrespectful to my parents, the squabbling and making issues out of molehills. the works. i am tired sick.
my problem is we stay away from them, if i have to work i will have to leave my husband and be at their mercy. I hate being financial dependant. The kind of work i would like to do, sacrificing my time as a mom would be available only in india.
The more at home i stay the more i dwell on these troublesome issues, the more it bothers nad haunts me! i feel like snapping off their tongues at times!
What should i do? Go back, be financially dependant? have a life other than MIL/FIL/PIL/ ILLS!! but at the same time stay with in-laws
or continue
follow my husband around sacrificing my career for him, be frustrated from within?
how do i forget my IILs wrong doings?
please help me.
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Hi everyone.
I have been reading quite a few if these posts and am very tempted to seek like DILS advice. please tell me a way out.
My in-laws are a very orthodox in their mannerisms. Orthodox is very kindly put. Actually i am horrified at some of their customs which are so demeaning for women.
I have been thru what appears usual, the naive me, the son-husband struggle, the over possesive MIL, the not able to meet my family, the switch from independant daughter to a seeking permission to buy a matchbox daughter-in-law. Disrespectful to my parents, the squabbling and making issues out of molehills. the works. i am tired sick.
my problem is we stay away from them, if i have to work i will have to leave my husband and be at their mercy. I hate being financial dependant. The kind of work i would like to do, sacrificing my time as a mom would be available only in india.
The more at home i stay the more i dwell on these troublesome issues, the more it bothers nad haunts me! i feel like snapping off their tongues at times!
What should i do? Go back, be financially dependant? have a life other than MIL/FIL/PIL/ ILLS!! but at the same time stay with in-laws
or continue
follow my husband around sacrificing my career for him, be frustrated from within?
how do i forget my IILs wrong doings?
please help me.
augustborn replied. Hi Niyathi
I too am on H4 and very well qualified. Infact, I quit my job in India so that my husband and I could be together(we had been travelling a lot due to our jobs).
Well I can identify with your feeling of frustration coz I feel the same. I too am not used to sitting at home and really want to turn the clock back...but thats history...I have to make the best of it. In my case, my husband is very supportive. We were working in the same office and he has seen my work being appreciated and knows my capabilities first hand.
But in your case, you need to give a wake-up call to your man. Right now I cant think how(I am too mad and seething with fury that he can even assume to treat you like this)...
Is it possible for you to enroll for a course or something(in that case your visa will get transferred to a student visa). Think up something lady. Your husband needs to straighten up and realise what a wonderful girl he's married to....
another bahu replied. Ladies,
Why are we looking in our in-laws, hubbies for validation? If they say we are lousy, we are miserable & angry. Have we no spine? Who gave them that power in the first place? My take on this is - you control how people behave with you. Why the hell are we begging for money, or treats from them? By taking care of the house & family, we are doing them a favour. We are what completes them. Do whatever makes you happy? If you don't like something, politely ask him/them to do it differently. And don't get worked up little things....begging for money...set up a joint account or have an ATM card or something where you can withdraw as much as you like. And don't be defensive. Life is too short, make good friends & take it easy.
peelu replied. i can imagine you niyati from your post, a typical indian good looking girl, loved by parents, bubbly, happy, with lots of friends in college, reduced to husbands taunt-post after marraige.
take charge Niyati!
can anyone help us?
niyathi replied. exactly similar case with me as well, even though i m well educated right now i m in US on h4 visa that means no chance of working and i hate being financially dependent on any one and on top of it even though i ask for a very very small amount from my hubby he will never give me, thats very frustrating to me, even if i beg for money i dont get it i have to ask for more than 10 times then i get 10$ which at sometimes i feel its better to commit sucide than beg for money when i have ability. and my hubby tells me that i have to sacrifice my career for his, even i dont know should i go back to india or stay here with my hubby as a slave,
i did not help u in any way but i felt like sharing my problem with u, sorry if i have wasted ur time
another bahu replied. First off, your problem is not that you live away from ILS. Infact thats a good thing. If you can't find a job of your qualifications here, then, you'll need to find something else. You can't always have what you want. Such is life. If you want to live with your hubby/kids then try & figure out something different. I am sure, out of the thousands of professions out there, something might catch your fancy. Or start with something small. Don't look out with high expectations. Grab whatever comes your way. Develop some hobbies, some personal time just for yourself. Did you know raising kids is like working 3 full time jobs? So if you think you're not working...read that to yourself again. You may not be making money, but what you do for your family nobody will/can do.
And please don't rerun the \";dreadful in-laws\"; tape in your head. If they are not around you, then count your lucky stars. Spend an hour on this forum & you'll know. Peelu I know it can be hard, going through that routine, day in and out. But unfortunately, thats the truth of a woman's life. I am woman too I know how you feel. May be when your kids grow up, you can start pursuing something more actively. Or if you are so desparate, talk to your hubby about it. You may be able to work out a solution together.
2005-01-26
#1
Name: augustborn Subject: For Niyathi
Hi Niyathi
I too am on H4 and very well qualified. Infact, I quit my job in India so that my husband and I could be together(we had been travelling a lot due to our jobs).
Well I can identify with your feeling of frustration coz I feel the same. I too am not used to sitting at home and really want to turn the clock back...but thats history...I have to make the best of it. In my case, my husband is very supportive. We were working in the same office and he has seen my work being appreciated and knows my capabilities first hand.
But in your case, you need to give a wake-up call to your man. Right now I cant think how(I am too mad and seething with fury that he can even assume to treat you like this)...
Is it possible for you to enroll for a course or something(in that case your visa will get transferred to a student visa). Think up something lady. Your husband needs to straighten up and realise what a wonderful girl he's married to....
2005-01-28
#2
Name: niyathi Subject: hi
nice to hear that u have a supporting hubby, lucky u,.
but all girls i guess are not that lucky, all girls i mean myself, to enroll to a college i want to do MS here instead of wasting years at home, and that too i would try for scholarship but my hubby is not giving any response for that as well, i dont know where my career will land to, anyway thanks , bye
2005-01-26
#3
Name: another bahu Subject: standup for urself
Ladies,
Why are we looking in our in-laws, hubbies for validation? If they say we are lousy, we are miserable & angry. Have we no spine? Who gave them that power in the first place? My take on this is - you control how people behave with you. Why the hell are we begging for money, or treats from them? By taking care of the house & family, we are doing them a favour. We are what completes them. Do whatever makes you happy? If you don't like something, politely ask him/them to do it differently. And don't get worked up little things....begging for money...set up a joint account or have an ATM card or something where you can withdraw as much as you like. And don't be defensive. Life is too short, make good friends & take it easy.
2005-01-28
#4
Name: niyathi Subject: tried it
hey another bahu,
i have tried everything with my hubby regarding giving me money to spend, everything whatever u have written, and its of no use, when he does not want a joint account how can i force him, i have tried talking to him politely as well, nothing works, i would be happy when i get my salary thats it, i m just waiting for that day in my life
2005-01-25
#5
Name: peelu Subject: to niyathi
i can imagine you niyati from your post, a typical indian good looking girl, loved by parents, bubbly, happy, with lots of friends in college, reduced to husbands taunt-post after marraige.
take charge Niyati!
can anyone help us?
2005-01-24
#6
Name: niyathi Subject: exactly similar
exactly similar case with me as well, even though i m well educated right now i m in US on h4 visa that means no chance of working and i hate being financially dependent on any one and on top of it even though i ask for a very very small amount from my hubby he will never give me, thats very frustrating to me, even if i beg for money i dont get it i have to ask for more than 10 times then i get 10$ which at sometimes i feel its better to commit sucide than beg for money when i have ability. and my hubby tells me that i have to sacrifice my career for his, even i dont know should i go back to india or stay here with my hubby as a slave,
i did not help u in any way but i felt like sharing my problem with u, sorry if i have wasted ur time
2005-01-26
#7
Name: niyathi Subject: thanks
thanks cd
2005-01-25
#8
Name: cd Subject: To niyati and peelu and all those dils..
Like peelu ended, take charge Niyati!
Peelu has outlined your personality and i so agree with that, I can imagine you in my minds eye.
Some points which hopefully can be of help to you...
1.Be a strong opinionated women. Seems like your husband likes women who are strong / working. Till such time you dont have work, read a lot go areound a lot. you dont have to be in a college to be learning!!
2. either get into some course to further your chances of getting a job or take up some small from home assignement. in teh next post i will post something which i found from the net, which might be beneficial to all dils wanting to work from home.
3. if your husband is irked by the fact that you spend your time at home, go out. Start out with him early morning..go to the libraries, make new friends, form and join circles of simillar situationed people.
4. increase your contacts/have a life other than our husband. I acn cite my SILs example. Her husband helped her complete a course, look for a job, find a job. after that she quit in 6 months because she wasnt able to take the pressure of getting up early and managing the house with a half a day of a job!! She is such a clingy wife, always clinging onto her husband and not giving him enough space.i can imagine why her husband is trying to run away all the time from her!
5. Be happy, look good. let your husband come to view you as someone with lots of friends and some one who enjoys life! I am sure he will be instantly attracted to you. Take the example of a shadow, run after it, it runs awa, turn around and walk the other way, it runs after you. isnt that waht you want..?
Good luck to Peelu and Niyati..
please read the next post for tips on what you can do from home..I am in a similar situation and spend a lot of time searching the ne/ scouting for friends who will help.
good luck!!
2005-01-25
#9
Name: niyathi Subject: hi
read ur reply,
even i miss my parents a lot, back home only my parents are there and i know very well they are missing me a lot, and its boring for them as well, since past 6 months i m asking my hubby to book my tickets to india so that i can go and stay with my parents for a month or more, but he does not give any response and now my in-laws are about to come and so i think i will have to go along with them and that too if my hubby books my ticket and if i was working i need not have begged with my hubby, isn't it. sometimes i feel i made a mistake my marrying without any job exp and financial security for myself, but i wanted to see my parents happy thats the reason i agreed to marry so early, but now everyday i regret sitting at home , when my other classmates are earning i m sitting at home and cooking and listening to all taunts from my hubby everyday, he tells me that i enjoy sitting at home and sleep whole day. whereas i study from the net, i told him i dont sleep but he does not believe me and taunts me everytime, with is very frustrating to me. i feel when i go to india i will not return back i will get a job there itself, when i m fed up of staying alone or if my parents ask me to return back after sometime only then i will come back, i cannot take his taunts all the time as if i m an uneducated girl. and u know my hubby always compares me with this friends wife and tells me to change my behaviour the way i speak, the way i manage house etc, which again is very irritating, i m smart and slim, and good looking as well, but compares my looks with other girls , i m fed up of all this , and u know even during weekends, or other days at night he does not bother to come near me or talk to me whenever i open my mouth he says he is not interested to speak or he has to read, etc, there is no use of privacy here in US. where as girls who stay with in-laws feel it would be better if they had privacy, but in our case privacy is waste, and u know i speak a lot , so he has complained that i speak too much which he does not like and i like carcking jokes or someone who will laugh along with me but my hubby has problem even with that, cos i laugh too much, back home my mom used to talk and laugh with me a lot, but now things have changed a lot, at home my parents never ever treated me saying that i m girl, and they used to give me pocket money even when i was in school, now i have to beg for money, and my hubby gives me lectures if i ask money that i dont know the value of money, whereas when he was a bachelor he did not save any money, now he tells me that i dont know to save money.i feel like runing back to india and getting a job, or even in US i m ready to even a sales job but no one wants a h4 to work i have tried even that, ok i have told too much about my problems.
bye takecare
2005-01-24
#10
Name: peelu Subject: no not at all!!
No no niyathi!!
you havent wasted anyones time. other dils can only learn from your problems. so we have to share them.
The one part i should mention is i miss my parents a lot. Actually my father passed away and my mom and still studying sinling are trying to manage. I miss them a lot, always feel i should be for them more.
if my in-laws werent around i would definitely have returned to india.
One thing i have learnt over the years,i as a women keep taking decision making on my head.
should i sacrifice my career
should i have another baby
should i continue with my ils
should i return to india or stay here
if i just followed my heart, it would be my husbands turn to decide. he will have to have an answer about stability. it will be upto him to continue without family, will be his turn to be torn between family and job.
i cant hide from my in-laws. they are not bigger than me an my family. time to cut them to size. i suppose first in my mind then in real life.
Niyati, i started out asking for help, but your desperate post set me thinking. Dont be so forlorn. Sit up and decide where you want to go in life and then make plans to go there...with /without your husband..
i paid my own way thru business school. I didnt study 25 years of my life to be scared shit of some horrible people.
i am with you niyati if you need some one to talk too ever..
thanks another bahu. you inspired me.
anyome else in a simillar situation done something different?
2005-01-24
#11
Name: another bahu Subject: dear peelu
First off, your problem is not that you live away from ILS. Infact thats a good thing. If you can't find a job of your qualifications here, then, you'll need to find something else. You can't always have what you want. Such is life. If you want to live with your hubby/kids then try & figure out something different. I am sure, out of the thousands of professions out there, something might catch your fancy. Or start with something small. Don't look out with high expectations. Grab whatever comes your way. Develop some hobbies, some personal time just for yourself. Did you know raising kids is like working 3 full time jobs? So if you think you're not working...read that to yourself again. You may not be making money, but what you do for your family nobody will/can do.
And please don't rerun the \";dreadful in-laws\"; tape in your head. If they are not around you, then count your lucky stars. Spend an hour on this forum & you'll know. Peelu I know it can be hard, going through that routine, day in and out. But unfortunately, thats the truth of a woman's life. I am woman too I know how you feel. May be when your kids grow up, you can start pursuing something more actively. Or if you are so desparate, talk to your hubby about it. You may be able to work out a solution together.
All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
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& Answers to Topic : what do i do?help!!
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You ever wanted in one place.
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& Answers to Topic : what do i do?help!!
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All tips on Parents of Schoolgoers
You ever wanted in one place.
No need to go anywhere else.
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For Niyathi
Name: niyathi
standup for urself
thanks
no not at all!!
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