hi all of you,
I have a general question to ask and I don't know whether you all will agree with me or not. Why do all the MILs expect that their DILs should be very nice to her, whereas, the MIL herself never had good relations with her own ILs. Generally MILs hate their own MIL/SILs (ILs in general) and expect that their DILs should behave like an ideal DIL. Isn't this a big hypocrisy. Usually MILs tell their DILs the stories of how her ILs are bad and expect a lot of respect in return from her (DIL). How can a DIL respect her MIL when she keeps hearing the criticism from her MIL about the same family she has been married in? Moreover the MIL always tries to focus on how her parents were nice and her ILs were bad. But when the DIL even mention about her parents the MIL gets furious and doesn't like to talk about it. A MIL never liked staying with her own ILs and expects that her DIL should stay with her and perform all her duties a DIL is suppose to without any bickering. Well, how is it possible for a DIL to even respect her when she knows that her MIL was nothing but a self-centered and rude DIL.
We think that people are now educated and much more advanced. But still I feel there's something which is missing, a basic understanding between a MIL and a DIL. Can anyone suggest how this DIL-MIL never-ending struggle can come to an end? Is there a way to resolve this conflict?
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hi all of you,
I have a general question to ask and I don't know whether you all will agree with me or not. Why do all the MILs expect that their DILs should be very nice to her, whereas, the MIL herself never had good relations with her own ILs. Generally MILs hate their own MIL/SILs (ILs in general) and expect that their DILs should behave like an ideal DIL. Isn't this a big hypocrisy. Usually MILs tell their DILs the stories of how her ILs are bad and expect a lot of respect in return from her (DIL). How can a DIL respect her MIL when she keeps hearing the criticism from her MIL about the same family she has been married in? Moreover the MIL always tries to focus on how her parents were nice and her ILs were bad. But when the DIL even mention about her parents the MIL gets furious and doesn't like to talk about it. A MIL never liked staying with her own ILs and expects that her DIL should stay with her and perform all her duties a DIL is suppose to without any bickering. Well, how is it possible for a DIL to even respect her when she knows that her MIL was nothing but a self-centered and rude DIL.
We think that people are now educated and much more advanced. But still I feel there's something which is missing, a basic understanding between a MIL and a DIL. Can anyone suggest how this DIL-MIL never-ending struggle can come to an end? Is there a way to resolve this conflict?
Waiting for your opinion
a DIL replied. I totally agree with you all. A woman's life just never can be her own. The in-laws just think they have to show us, who is the boss. I have decided I am taking this shit no more. Next time my MIL finds fault in me or interferes, I will tell her in a nice way that her behaviour is very stressful for me. She keeps telling me I am like her beti, but how come she never behaves likes a mom towards me?And why on the earth are they the sorriest souls alive? There are parents (who don't 've sons) that are able to manage fine on their own. Being married is like being on a bed of roses where god forgot to remove the thorns !!
USA replied. Obviously mother in laws like that are hypcrites and have hipocrysy in their hearts for not being sympathetic to their own DLS after have gone through the same thing themselves when they were DLS too.
Not everyone is like that though. My inlaw relationship is sour, however, I would like to think of myself as empathetic and I know I would be sooo good to my DLS God-willingly just because I know what she is going through and I feel for her, my heart is still existent, and most of all because I fear God for my actions.
When someone does NOT fear God for their actions and believe in personal accountability for their good and bad deeds, than they have no limits to how bad they can really be towards another person.
a lady replied. Yeah, I fully agree with your views! Even I wonder why do all the MILs expect us to be very nice and dutiful DILs, when they themselves had not done the same duties. And most important thing is, my frustration is not mainly beacuse of the fact that my MIL never had good relations with her in-laws, but beacuse she is doing the same thing to me also. If our in-laws can somehow maintain good relations with us, we may not have much problem. We wouldn't even think what type of relationship our MILs had shared with their MILs. But their dominating, bossy and interfering nature force us to think that way. They want to take everything in their control, want to run our homes, raise our kids the way they like , do everything that pleases them. In short, we have no freedom.
Whenever we have some friction with our in-laws, we(the DILs) are the one to be blamed. Similarly, when our MILs have some problem with their in-laws, then they(MIL's in-laws) are at fault. Meaning in both cases, only one person is common, and that is our MILs- and she is always RIGHT and we( DILs and our MILs' In-laws) are always wrong.
I will write some specific examples here-
1. My MIL had invited her MOM during her(my MIL's) pregnancy and delivery. But in my case, she didn't even want to talk about it- as if the decision was already made that she ( the MIL) would come here and take charge of everything.
2. My MIL rarely calls her MIL, but she expects me to call her every week, sometimes twice a week, and if I fail to do so, I have to be ready to listen to her sarcastic comments like \";abhi se ye haal hain, aage kya karogi\"; , \";abhi se bhool gayi sasural walo ko\";, \";maayke me phone kar liya hoga\"; blah blah.
3. When my baby was born, I had thought of a very unique name for my kid and when I told them, they didn't like it and said \";we have chosen some other name\"; and eventually they did what they wanted.
When my hubby was born, my MIL never even bothered to ask her in-laws about their choice of name etc. And my in-laws tell this thing very casually, that they had thought of 2-3 names and finally picked one. But if I tried doing the same thing, my choice was simply ruled out ! Ha-what a hypocrisy !
4. Whenever I have to buy something costly like jewellery or may be an expensive sari etc, I have to first talk to my MIL, ask for her permission, listen to her lecture like why I need it, or I had so many saris already etc, and then after a long discussion, I am allowed to buy something. I get so frustrated! Before marriage I had full freedom what I can buy and what not, ofcourse my parents had set some limits, and I followed them too. But after marraige it feels like, you have to go through a series of permissions, wait untill every level is approved, then you are given a green signal (if you are very lucky), otherwise a clear NO-NO. Isn't it like getting a Green Card ? Lol !
Ever since I got married, I have never seen my MIL asking for any permission for anything from her in-laws. She is totally independent. But if I do the same thing, I am labelled as \";rude\";. Huh !
Well I can go on and on...it will take me ages to write down everything. And I feel this is a never ending fight. Even if our MILs had \";okay type\"; of relations with their in-laws, this problem was bound to happen. I bet, no Saas-bahu on this planet can ever say-that they have no complaints at all.
So I think, we( both In-laws and DILs) should concentrate on one thing that even if there is some problem , how to minmize it. What should one do to atleast have a normal relationship. What can we do not to have any hard feelings for each other. Even if there is not too much of love for each other, there shouldn't be any bitter feelings either.
good luck ladies !
2005-01-14
#1
Name: a DIL Subject: too much
I totally agree with you all. A woman's life just never can be her own. The in-laws just think they have to show us, who is the boss. I have decided I am taking this shit no more. Next time my MIL finds fault in me or interferes, I will tell her in a nice way that her behaviour is very stressful for me. She keeps telling me I am like her beti, but how come she never behaves likes a mom towards me?And why on the earth are they the sorriest souls alive? There are parents (who don't 've sons) that are able to manage fine on their own. Being married is like being on a bed of roses where god forgot to remove the thorns !!
2005-01-14
#2
Name: USA Subject: Hypocrisy
Obviously mother in laws like that are hypcrites and have hipocrysy in their hearts for not being sympathetic to their own DLS after have gone through the same thing themselves when they were DLS too.
Not everyone is like that though. My inlaw relationship is sour, however, I would like to think of myself as empathetic and I know I would be sooo good to my DLS God-willingly just because I know what she is going through and I feel for her, my heart is still existent, and most of all because I fear God for my actions.
When someone does NOT fear God for their actions and believe in personal accountability for their good and bad deeds, than they have no limits to how bad they can really be towards another person.
2005-01-12
#3
Name: a lady Subject: very true !!
Yeah, I fully agree with your views! Even I wonder why do all the MILs expect us to be very nice and dutiful DILs, when they themselves had not done the same duties. And most important thing is, my frustration is not mainly beacuse of the fact that my MIL never had good relations with her in-laws, but beacuse she is doing the same thing to me also. If our in-laws can somehow maintain good relations with us, we may not have much problem. We wouldn't even think what type of relationship our MILs had shared with their MILs. But their dominating, bossy and interfering nature force us to think that way. They want to take everything in their control, want to run our homes, raise our kids the way they like , do everything that pleases them. In short, we have no freedom.
Whenever we have some friction with our in-laws, we(the DILs) are the one to be blamed. Similarly, when our MILs have some problem with their in-laws, then they(MIL's in-laws) are at fault. Meaning in both cases, only one person is common, and that is our MILs- and she is always RIGHT and we( DILs and our MILs' In-laws) are always wrong.
I will write some specific examples here-
1. My MIL had invited her MOM during her(my MIL's) pregnancy and delivery. But in my case, she didn't even want to talk about it- as if the decision was already made that she ( the MIL) would come here and take charge of everything.
2. My MIL rarely calls her MIL, but she expects me to call her every week, sometimes twice a week, and if I fail to do so, I have to be ready to listen to her sarcastic comments like \";abhi se ye haal hain, aage kya karogi\"; , \";abhi se bhool gayi sasural walo ko\";, \";maayke me phone kar liya hoga\"; blah blah.
3. When my baby was born, I had thought of a very unique name for my kid and when I told them, they didn't like it and said \";we have chosen some other name\"; and eventually they did what they wanted.
When my hubby was born, my MIL never even bothered to ask her in-laws about their choice of name etc. And my in-laws tell this thing very casually, that they had thought of 2-3 names and finally picked one. But if I tried doing the same thing, my choice was simply ruled out ! Ha-what a hypocrisy !
4. Whenever I have to buy something costly like jewellery or may be an expensive sari etc, I have to first talk to my MIL, ask for her permission, listen to her lecture like why I need it, or I had so many saris already etc, and then after a long discussion, I am allowed to buy something. I get so frustrated! Before marriage I had full freedom what I can buy and what not, ofcourse my parents had set some limits, and I followed them too. But after marraige it feels like, you have to go through a series of permissions, wait untill every level is approved, then you are given a green signal (if you are very lucky), otherwise a clear NO-NO. Isn't it like getting a Green Card ? Lol !
Ever since I got married, I have never seen my MIL asking for any permission for anything from her in-laws. She is totally independent. But if I do the same thing, I am labelled as \";rude\";. Huh !
Well I can go on and on...it will take me ages to write down everything. And I feel this is a never ending fight. Even if our MILs had \";okay type\"; of relations with their in-laws, this problem was bound to happen. I bet, no Saas-bahu on this planet can ever say-that they have no complaints at all.
So I think, we( both In-laws and DILs) should concentrate on one thing that even if there is some problem , how to minmize it. What should one do to atleast have a normal relationship. What can we do not to have any hard feelings for each other. Even if there is not too much of love for each other, there shouldn't be any bitter feelings either.
good luck ladies !
2005-01-24
#4
Name: Meera Subject: the in-laws
Very true. I agree with all of you. These in-laws are really of double standard. When they sense that their son is on their side, they go to any extent. They are worried about their daughter's children but not their sons. They are orthodox only for their daughter in laws not for their daughters. I had a hell of an experience since my husband never supported me and he was a puppet in their hands. But now I am independent since I am working and taking care of my two kids. I don't visit them neither do I call them. They have mentally harassed me. I will never be able to forget their behaviour. We should always keep a distance from these pests. I have heard of good in-laws but I don't know whether they really existed. They are only interested in their son's money nothing else. My husband is a spend-thrift and he spends on them like anything. he does not save anything. I stay with my parents. He has come down from abroad but I did not go with him this time. He himself comes to see the kids. He says he does not have money to buy a house. He is into partying and merry-making least bothered about his family.
It is only because of our coward husbands that we have to endure such people in our lives. My MIL used to comment on my every move. I was like a servant in that house. Even when my husband was there, she used to give big lectures telling him about other DILs. She called herself a very innocent lady whereas she was the cause of our separation. god will never bless such people who tries to separate a family. She says that girl's family should always bend in front of boy's family. Well that existed years before. It is no more relevant now. She could make my husband dance to her tunes and he is least bothered about his family and future of his children. My MIL is always craving for gold and money and expects my parents to give a house when I tell my husband to make a separate house. Even though they are well off in money, they will try to squeeze out others money. If DILs bend before them, they are considered good otherwise bad. She always expects gifts from time to time. She is insatiable. For the time-being she will be good then again her mood goes bad and starts her abuses. The most interesting part is we are in total 4 DILs and none of them are staying with her due to her behaviour. But she is a shameless lady. I can write endlessly about her but I think this is enough to pour out my grievances.
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I feel that my husbands parents are using their son. My husband is from India and I am from the USA. He obtained his greencard and citizenship through me after coming here. He is a physician and obtained his residency training. I worked to earn for our family for two years until he got his job. Then he applied for his parents to visit us on a visiting visa. We were both wo... - Tina Shah [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
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too much
Hypocrisy
very true !!
Name: Meera
the in-laws
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