I am a happily married woman and have a kid too. I have a very peculiar problem. Like many DILs , I too have some issues with my in-laws. They don't like me, always criticize my actions. Well its a long story.
Anyway, today I am here to discuss another problem. I am planning to go to India this summer. Naturally I will be visting my in-laws also. Here comes the problem- my FIL has 2 sisters who live in the same city where my in-laws live. They( my FIL's sis) are very old and have joint families. My MIL doesn't get along with them ( meaning they are my MIL's SILs), so my FIL also doesn't talk to them much. My in-laws rarely call or meet them except on some festivals or family gatherings. Now the problem is that they( my FIL's sisters) like me a lot. My FIL's both sisters plus their families always invite me for lunch/dinner ,whenever I am in India. Whenever I visit them, they always give me some gifts, clothes for me and for my kid also(sometimes cash too). They talk to me well, and treat me well, so I have no bitter feelings for them. Infact I also like them. Now the problem is I too want to give them some gifts etc, but if I do so, I know it will make my in-laws very angry, since they don't like them. Its been 3 years since I got married and everytime when I go to meet my FIL's sisters, I can't give them anything, although I really want to. I know if I do anything like that, it will create many problems between us( my in-laws and me), and my hubby is kind of neutral, so I really don't understand, what I should do? Should I care about my in-laws feelings and don't give gifts etc. Or should I care about my FIL's sisters' feelings who might be expecting the same response from me? And moreover, I really don't know if they (my FIL's sis) are really as bad as I have heard from my MIL. My MIL often talks about them - like they did this, they did that. But I have always received a very warm response from them. So I am in a dilemma now- what should I do? I don't want to have anymore tensions between me & my in-laws beacuse of this (already we have had many frictions in the past) , but at the same time, I want to do something for the other party as well. How do I balance ?
Any suggestions please ?
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Hi,
I am a happily married woman and have a kid too. I have a very peculiar problem. Like many DILs , I too have some issues with my in-laws. They don't like me, always criticize my actions. Well its a long story.
Anyway, today I am here to discuss another problem. I am planning to go to India this summer. Naturally I will be visting my in-laws also. Here comes the problem- my FIL has 2 sisters who live in the same city where my in-laws live. They( my FIL's sis) are very old and have joint families. My MIL doesn't get along with them ( meaning they are my MIL's SILs), so my FIL also doesn't talk to them much. My in-laws rarely call or meet them except on some festivals or family gatherings. Now the problem is that they( my FIL's sisters) like me a lot. My FIL's both sisters plus their families always invite me for lunch/dinner ,whenever I am in India. Whenever I visit them, they always give me some gifts, clothes for me and for my kid also(sometimes cash too). They talk to me well, and treat me well, so I have no bitter feelings for them. Infact I also like them. Now the problem is I too want to give them some gifts etc, but if I do so, I know it will make my in-laws very angry, since they don't like them. Its been 3 years since I got married and everytime when I go to meet my FIL's sisters, I can't give them anything, although I really want to. I know if I do anything like that, it will create many problems between us( my in-laws and me), and my hubby is kind of neutral, so I really don't understand, what I should do? Should I care about my in-laws feelings and don't give gifts etc. Or should I care about my FIL's sisters' feelings who might be expecting the same response from me? And moreover, I really don't know if they (my FIL's sis) are really as bad as I have heard from my MIL. My MIL often talks about them - like they did this, they did that. But I have always received a very warm response from them. So I am in a dilemma now- what should I do? I don't want to have anymore tensions between me & my in-laws beacuse of this (already we have had many frictions in the past) , but at the same time, I want to do something for the other party as well. How do I balance ?
Any suggestions please ?
a woman replied. Thanks ladies !
After reading your replies, I feel like I have gathered some courage. Ya, afterall I am not doing anything wrong..infact my FIL should be happy that his DIL is trying to maintain good relations with his family, but he himself is not attached to them, so he doesn't care. I think I shouldn't even ask for their permission for gifts etc. I should simply tell them(ofcourse politely, like a normal conversation) that I have bought such and such thing for them( my FIL's sisters).
I hope I am am not doing anything wrong by taking this bold step. Hope my in-laws will understand my views and won't misinterpret my actions.
cd replied. always as a rulein life. you cant stop doing good if your in-laws dont like it?
these people have been good to you, you be good to them.
if ILs protest, point to your FIL, saying that they are his blood relations and you are just returning the gifts they gave you..
As far gifts for children are concerned, i dont believe it should be anyones business tell no. these are kids na? they have no hand in elderly bickerings..
no one can refute goodness. they come out to be bad like that..
keep your good relations. who knows they maybe of help to you sometime..
a friend replied. Hi,
I think most of the MILs are insecure when their DILs care for those relatives whom she (MIL) disapproves of. My suggestion would be to tell your MIL and ask for her advice that since such and such kid has his B'day coming up and you would like to give some present. Also mention that they (your MILs's SIL) also gave you such and such gift and its just in return you are giving. Hope she will understand and in order not to have burden of that the other party gave you some present or money she will suggest you something. Also don't mention your MILs's SIL's name only the kid, such that she is not offended.
Good Luck friend!
Hope this helps.
aa replied. It is a tricky situation. If your husband is with you on this. Then consider sending them something via mail or another contact. My MIL is very insecure about us hanging out with her own sisters. But they love us & give us plenty of gifts. So sometimes we get something sent for them (instead of giving it personally). Plus we call them, or email them every now & then.
2005-01-11
#1
Name: a woman Subject: Thanks !
Thanks ladies !
After reading your replies, I feel like I have gathered some courage. Ya, afterall I am not doing anything wrong..infact my FIL should be happy that his DIL is trying to maintain good relations with his family, but he himself is not attached to them, so he doesn't care. I think I shouldn't even ask for their permission for gifts etc. I should simply tell them(ofcourse politely, like a normal conversation) that I have bought such and such thing for them( my FIL's sisters).
I hope I am am not doing anything wrong by taking this bold step. Hope my in-laws will understand my views and won't misinterpret my actions.
2005-01-11
#2
Name: cd Subject: do good
always as a rulein life. you cant stop doing good if your in-laws dont like it?
these people have been good to you, you be good to them.
if ILs protest, point to your FIL, saying that they are his blood relations and you are just returning the gifts they gave you..
As far gifts for children are concerned, i dont believe it should be anyones business tell no. these are kids na? they have no hand in elderly bickerings..
no one can refute goodness. they come out to be bad like that..
keep your good relations. who knows they maybe of help to you sometime..
2005-01-11
#3
Name: a friend Subject: Good Luck!
Hi,
I think most of the MILs are insecure when their DILs care for those relatives whom she (MIL) disapproves of. My suggestion would be to tell your MIL and ask for her advice that since such and such kid has his B'day coming up and you would like to give some present. Also mention that they (your MILs's SIL) also gave you such and such gift and its just in return you are giving. Hope she will understand and in order not to have burden of that the other party gave you some present or money she will suggest you something. Also don't mention your MILs's SIL's name only the kid, such that she is not offended.
Good Luck friend!
Hope this helps.
2005-01-11
#4
Name: aa Subject: hmm
It is a tricky situation. If your husband is with you on this. Then consider sending them something via mail or another contact. My MIL is very insecure about us hanging out with her own sisters. But they love us & give us plenty of gifts. So sometimes we get something sent for them (instead of giving it personally). Plus we call them, or email them every now & then.
2005-01-11
#5
Name: a woman Subject: thanks, but it may not work !
Hi aa,
Thanks for your suggestion, but I guess it won't work in my case. Even If I send them anything by any other contacts like the internet or something else, my in-laws will surely come to know about it(since they stay in the same city) and if that happens, it will be even more worse, because then my in-laws will say- " oh so you have started hiding things from us , Or you have become very bold, Or you didn't even care about our feelings and they will again label me as a bad DIL" and all this will lead to another major fight, which I want to avoid !
My husband has a neutral role here, sometimes he does agree that there is no harm in giving gifts to them , but at the same time he says, "my parents will be very hurt if I give anything to them". So basically its upto me.
I feel very bad, when I meet my hubby's aunts and their grandkids hug me and ask-"chachi, humare liye kya laye ho"? And I have only chocolates to give them, nothing else. And yes, I too call them once a month and wish them on b'days and anniversaries etc( ofcourse my in-laws don't like it, but they are okay with these short calls). That is the only thing that I can do without any fear !
Anyways, thanks again for taking time to write to me.
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Thanks !
Good Luck!
Name: a woman
thanks, but it may not work !
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