Role of in-laws:Has any daughter-in-law been able to forgive.....
2004-12-16
Name: Neha
Has any daughter-in-law been able to forgive her in laws ever?
Can you really forgive them when they are constantly bugging your life?
I would love to hear some success stories that how eventually DILs got along with MIL in a nice way, and if there is any happy ending. I do not think this war ever gets over till either of these two die, its a life long war, and husbands are majority of the times with mothers side, atleast when both parties are there, face to face.
If we share our plights with friends here , they do not get it, first of all they are shocked to know that even today, educated young people go for arranged marriage and end up marrying whole family instead of just the groom.
I am filled with bitterness and it affects the way I behave with my kids as I end up showing bitterness by not behaving with my family, my kids. I want some kind of guidence. My MIL runs my house, even after 10 years of marriage, even without staying with us all the time in USA, even though I have decent job and am not fed by her son, even though I have never said/done anything wrong to anybody in her family. Why can't I live like a normal human instead of life totally controlled by her, making decisions for me, my kids.
Has any DIL ever gotten out of such situation and lived a life she wanted to?
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Has any daughter-in-law been able to forgive her in laws ever?
Can you really forgive them when they are constantly bugging your life?
I would love to hear some success stories that how eventually DILs got along with MIL in a nice way, and if there is any happy ending. I do not think this war ever gets over till either of these two die, its a life long war, and husbands are majority of the times with mothers side, atleast when both parties are there, face to face.
If we share our plights with friends here , they do not get it, first of all they are shocked to know that even today, educated young people go for arranged marriage and end up marrying whole family instead of just the groom.
I am filled with bitterness and it affects the way I behave with my kids as I end up showing bitterness by not behaving with my family, my kids. I want some kind of guidence. My MIL runs my house, even after 10 years of marriage, even without staying with us all the time in USA, even though I have decent job and am not fed by her son, even though I have never said/done anything wrong to anybody in her family. Why can't I live like a normal human instead of life totally controlled by her, making decisions for me, my kids.
Has any DIL ever gotten out of such situation and lived a life she wanted to?
H replied. I will never ever forgive my MIL and never forget it either .
I may have to put up a Happy Face but forgiveness ..... no !! I am way too bitter to forget . Only healing is the DISTANCE i have from them . I am working on building more and more if possible . That is the only thing that can give peace .
neha replied. I have always respected them more than my parents. Everytime I would think that how do I want my bhabhi to behave with my parents. But after marriage, before moving to US, during my stay with them, if I tried to cook, MIL would curse me for trying to be incharge of her house, if I didn't cook and waited for her instruction, I was cursed for being lazy, good for nothing DIL.There wasn't anything that I did , pleased them. My each action was upsetting for them. How can one settle matters when MIL thinks she never did anything wrong. Husbands understand everything, they know who is right and who is wrong. If their moms say something wrong to us, we are supposed to forget it but on the other hand we cannot even ask why are we being cursed/criticized all the time. MILs do not treat their daughters that way then why DILs are illtreated?
Everyone wants to live in harmony, but everday they pick something on you to make you cry! How inhuman!! Yet they think what they do is all justified!! How come!!
Reena replied. hello ladies, I just want to say that when I first got married and after about 5 years of marriage I was having a little bit of problem with my MIL, but because my husband and brother-in-law, sister-in-law were so understanding I told them what was happening and they all supported me.. anyways we had our differences and settled it. We moved out on our own after about 2 years and my MIL came and helped me settle in my new house and we see them every weekend, or sometimes two or three weeks will go by without seeing eachother cause we all work and busy with the kids. Anyways me and my MIL are very good friends now I talk to her about everything, even about sex and we joke around and have a great relationship. I was really fortunate that I had a very understanding husband. So in the end moving out is the the best way to go, cause at least this way you are not in eachothers face 24/7. So in some cases it does take a little bit longer to build up a relationship and in some cases more. So just want to tell you ladies, try to talk to your husbands and make him understand, I mean at the end of the day it is you and your husband and the kids that are a family. Good luck and try to resolve any differences that are being building up between you and MIL. Communication really helps.
another DIL replied. Neha,
I am in the same boat as you are. Except i don't have kids yet. I had written about the same problem on this forum & someone wrote back with a very positive & mature response. I tried it out & it worked very well for me.
Although i won't say the problem is gone for good but I felt a lot less pressured. My long story goes like this. Me n the hubby are from different states in india. My in-laws have a little conservative attitude. And the fact that he is the only child didn't make things any easier. So my MIL esp. would be after my life about what i should eat, wear & every little thing. That just drove me nuts.
My unforgettable 6 months of brand new married life. We had fights & moments where we didn't speak with each other.
But on my next visit to them - which was for only a few weeks, at their place, I completely let go. I behaved well with them. As if they are my own parents. I showed a lot of \";apnapan\";. And I let her do all the chores & I would only help out. That way I avoided being controlled. Coz she was incharge. This way, neither did I do a lot of physical work nor did I get worked up about stuff. I would take her shopping etc with me. Baught her come cosmetics etc. She was now happy. They are visiting us now (for 6 months!!) & I don't know how well this will work coz now, its my kitchen,
my house & I want to cook my own menu, do chores on my own schedule. My game plan is, show the same apnapan. Once in a while cook what they like. But on stuff that I don't agree at all I will stand firm. I will tell them just like I do with my mom n dad....\";nahin mummy ye mujhse nahin hoga\";....\";yeh mujhe achha nahin laga\";. I would avoid any potential arguements & get my hubby involved (who by gods grace very supportive of me) if things got worse. I believe that in-laws
become even more controlling when they feel we're resisting them. I will have to lower my ego several times, but in
my heart I would have felt good, peaceful & a better person than them. I know it won't be as rosy all of the time, but I'll take what I get.
a dil replied. Hi Neha,
I agree with your view-point. To be honest,I am also fully convinced that no mil-dil can ever get along in a nice way. It is something very very difficult and I have thought a lot about it ever since I got married. I even tried to find its rootcause and my conclusion says -that its basically lack of trust and understanding between both parties. I myself admit one thing that there are such things which hurt me most if my mil says it to me and the same thing doesn't affect me even 1% if my Mom says it to me- so Yes , I know there is a difference. BUT - BELIEVE ME, I tried to ignore such things as well, everytime I asked myself - \";would I behave the same way if my mom had said the same thing to me?\";, but inspite of all these efforts, I could not make my in-laws happy and I guess,this has caused a lot of frustration in my case. They constantly bug you and you do not have your say(if you don't like something, you have to keep quiet. If you don't want to do something the way they want, you can not say NO.) This causes a lot of irritation and frustration which do not exist in case of your relationship with your parents. If your parents says something to you which you don't want to do, you simply answer them back saying that you don't like it. And this thing is very very hard with your in-laws. A dil keeps thinking that she is doing things excatly the way her in-laws and her hubby want, she is changing herself a lot, she is trying to adujust according to her in-laws needs, BUT still she is not able to please them. I think that even if you try to forget and forgive and want to carry on- you just can not , because they will always be interfering and making comments which will remind you of those things which happened in the past. So I guess it is a continuous cycle. And moreover this relationship is so delicate that even a useless argument can lead to a big fight and cause mistrust between both parties. And if it keeps going on, the level of anger, frustration and feelings of hatred also increase.
Like yours, my mil also has a control over me, my house, and my hubby, inspite of living so many miles away from us. She wants to know each and every minute details about what is going on in our life. Instructions/suggestions keep coming to me- like how I should lead my life, what I should cook, what is good for me and so on.
I am also filled with bitterness and it is very obvious in my relatioship with my husband. I and my hubby don't have any other issues in our married life except this.
I can say only one thing- don't think much about it. It affects us only- no body else. Its good that you have a job- just keep yourself busy. You are lucky to have kids- give them full love and attention. They have nothing to do with this relationship-so why should they suffer? Your family, your kids need you. Keep this issue always separate from your children. your children & family AND the relationship with yor mil are 2 different aspects of your life- don't mix them up - it will only create problems.
Count your blessings and have faith in God.
Good luck !
2004-12-17
#1
Name: H Subject: Never
I will never ever forgive my MIL and never forget it either .
I may have to put up a Happy Face but forgiveness ..... no !! I am way too bitter to forget . Only healing is the DISTANCE i have from them . I am working on building more and more if possible . That is the only thing that can give peace .
2004-12-17
#2
Name: neha Subject: .....
I have always respected them more than my parents. Everytime I would think that how do I want my bhabhi to behave with my parents. But after marriage, before moving to US, during my stay with them, if I tried to cook, MIL would curse me for trying to be incharge of her house, if I didn't cook and waited for her instruction, I was cursed for being lazy, good for nothing DIL.There wasn't anything that I did , pleased them. My each action was upsetting for them. How can one settle matters when MIL thinks she never did anything wrong. Husbands understand everything, they know who is right and who is wrong. If their moms say something wrong to us, we are supposed to forget it but on the other hand we cannot even ask why are we being cursed/criticized all the time. MILs do not treat their daughters that way then why DILs are illtreated?
Everyone wants to live in harmony, but everday they pick something on you to make you cry! How inhuman!! Yet they think what they do is all justified!! How come!!
2004-12-20
#3
Name: another DIL Subject: Neha, a DIL, H & haha
The relationship between a parent & their child is that of unconditional love. No other relationship can match that. Thats what help species procreate. So please this is not an apples to apples situation. The in-law relationship is just like how you make friends. You sacrifice for them & you expect the same in return. And if both didn't happen, the friendship usually falls apart. Except, one huge difference here. They are still in your face for the rest of your lives. So be nice to them, like one of you said, don't bend over backwards. The more you do that, the more your expectations will rise thus resulting in more disappointments. So be yourself, avoid any potentially confrontational situations. Be happy & relax about the whole thing. If they can't appreciate what you are doing for them too bad for them !!
2004-12-19
#4
Name: haha Subject: why not
yes what is so strange in your mil's behaviour. when we dils can't forgive her, how can we expect her to forgive us. Cause she too is a dil, unforgiving. why do we have to ape our mils. lets think different. No need of forgiving, impressing or pleasing these immature nuts. Ignore them, leave them as they are. Why waste time worrying about them and trying to change them. What a waste of time. We have much better things to do. Let us be our own self. Let us show our mils how different we are. We present day dils should be friendly mils of the future. Atleast hope our bahus will like us and not hate us.
2004-12-17
#5
Name: another DIL Subject: pat your back....:-)
Neha,
Very sorry to hear your situation. Not everything in life can be changed. You need to make peace with the fact that you did your job fairly & take credit for being a nice human being. When the other party won't reciprocate then you just have to leave it at that. Just limit your relationship to the extent that no ties are severed. We as indian DILS look in acceptance from our in-laws more than anything else. Its easy for some & not so easy for the rest. Just think that they are not mature enough to understand you. And for that even I feel sorry for them !!
2004-12-17
#6
Name: a dil Subject: u r right !
Even I think the same way that I did more for my in-laws than I did for my own parents. And I regret it now sometimes. I ask myself -who deserved this "sewa" more- my parents who always bless and love me or my in-laws who always criticize me. My parents would always love me and appreciate me even if I don't do anything great for them or do very little, but on the other hand,whatever I do for my in-laws, they can never be satisfied. Their focus has always been on my mistakes rather than looking at positive side. My every action upsets my in-laws. And see the irony- my mil herself has never been able to adjust with anyone in her family(including her own MIL), but she expects a lot from me !
I don't see any hopes now. I will have to continue like this. I think, keeping ourselves busy might help.
2004-12-16
#7
Name: Reena Subject: very happy...
hello ladies, I just want to say that when I first got married and after about 5 years of marriage I was having a little bit of problem with my MIL, but because my husband and brother-in-law, sister-in-law were so understanding I told them what was happening and they all supported me.. anyways we had our differences and settled it. We moved out on our own after about 2 years and my MIL came and helped me settle in my new house and we see them every weekend, or sometimes two or three weeks will go by without seeing eachother cause we all work and busy with the kids. Anyways me and my MIL are very good friends now I talk to her about everything, even about sex and we joke around and have a great relationship. I was really fortunate that I had a very understanding husband. So in the end moving out is the the best way to go, cause at least this way you are not in eachothers face 24/7. So in some cases it does take a little bit longer to build up a relationship and in some cases more. So just want to tell you ladies, try to talk to your husbands and make him understand, I mean at the end of the day it is you and your husband and the kids that are a family. Good luck and try to resolve any differences that are being building up between you and MIL. Communication really helps.
2004-12-16
#8
Name: another DIL Subject: my take
Neha,
I am in the same boat as you are. Except i don't have kids yet. I had written about the same problem on this forum & someone wrote back with a very positive & mature response. I tried it out & it worked very well for me.
Although i won't say the problem is gone for good but I felt a lot less pressured. My long story goes like this. Me n the hubby are from different states in india. My in-laws have a little conservative attitude. And the fact that he is the only child didn't make things any easier. So my MIL esp. would be after my life about what i should eat, wear & every little thing. That just drove me nuts.
My unforgettable 6 months of brand new married life. We had fights & moments where we didn't speak with each other.
But on my next visit to them - which was for only a few weeks, at their place, I completely let go. I behaved well with them. As if they are my own parents. I showed a lot of \";apnapan\";. And I let her do all the chores & I would only help out. That way I avoided being controlled. Coz she was incharge. This way, neither did I do a lot of physical work nor did I get worked up about stuff. I would take her shopping etc with me. Baught her come cosmetics etc. She was now happy. They are visiting us now (for 6 months!!) & I don't know how well this will work coz now, its my kitchen,
my house & I want to cook my own menu, do chores on my own schedule. My game plan is, show the same apnapan. Once in a while cook what they like. But on stuff that I don't agree at all I will stand firm. I will tell them just like I do with my mom n dad....\";nahin mummy ye mujhse nahin hoga\";....\";yeh mujhe achha nahin laga\";. I would avoid any potential arguements & get my hubby involved (who by gods grace very supportive of me) if things got worse. I believe that in-laws
become even more controlling when they feel we're resisting them. I will have to lower my ego several times, but in
my heart I would have felt good, peaceful & a better person than them. I know it won't be as rosy all of the time, but I'll take what I get.
2004-12-17
#9
Name: a dil Subject: good luck
Hi,
I think your and my problems are quite similar. I would love to know what strategy you tried? How did it help you? One more thing- how do u say "NO" when you don't want to do something. Its very hard for me to say "NO" to my MIL, and I guess I should have corrected this habit of mine a long back. Because now they have also become used to it. Now if I resist or say "ki ye mujhe pasand nahin, ya ye mujhse nahi hoga", she will not be able to digest it. What do I do?
You are lucky to have a supporting hubby. Many men are Mama's boys! They don't listen to or understand what their wives tell them- they only understand one language, and that is their Mom's language.
I wish you good luck for those 6 months which you will be spending with your in-laws. I hope everything goes fine.
Keep posted.
2004-12-16
#10
Name: a dil Subject: Very True !
Hi Neha,
I agree with your view-point. To be honest,I am also fully convinced that no mil-dil can ever get along in a nice way. It is something very very difficult and I have thought a lot about it ever since I got married. I even tried to find its rootcause and my conclusion says -that its basically lack of trust and understanding between both parties. I myself admit one thing that there are such things which hurt me most if my mil says it to me and the same thing doesn't affect me even 1% if my Mom says it to me- so Yes , I know there is a difference. BUT - BELIEVE ME, I tried to ignore such things as well, everytime I asked myself - \";would I behave the same way if my mom had said the same thing to me?\";, but inspite of all these efforts, I could not make my in-laws happy and I guess,this has caused a lot of frustration in my case. They constantly bug you and you do not have your say(if you don't like something, you have to keep quiet. If you don't want to do something the way they want, you can not say NO.) This causes a lot of irritation and frustration which do not exist in case of your relationship with your parents. If your parents says something to you which you don't want to do, you simply answer them back saying that you don't like it. And this thing is very very hard with your in-laws. A dil keeps thinking that she is doing things excatly the way her in-laws and her hubby want, she is changing herself a lot, she is trying to adujust according to her in-laws needs, BUT still she is not able to please them. I think that even if you try to forget and forgive and want to carry on- you just can not , because they will always be interfering and making comments which will remind you of those things which happened in the past. So I guess it is a continuous cycle. And moreover this relationship is so delicate that even a useless argument can lead to a big fight and cause mistrust between both parties. And if it keeps going on, the level of anger, frustration and feelings of hatred also increase.
Like yours, my mil also has a control over me, my house, and my hubby, inspite of living so many miles away from us. She wants to know each and every minute details about what is going on in our life. Instructions/suggestions keep coming to me- like how I should lead my life, what I should cook, what is good for me and so on.
I am also filled with bitterness and it is very obvious in my relatioship with my husband. I and my hubby don't have any other issues in our married life except this.
I can say only one thing- don't think much about it. It affects us only- no body else. Its good that you have a job- just keep yourself busy. You are lucky to have kids- give them full love and attention. They have nothing to do with this relationship-so why should they suffer? Your family, your kids need you. Keep this issue always separate from your children. your children & family AND the relationship with yor mil are 2 different aspects of your life- don't mix them up - it will only create problems.
Count your blessings and have faith in God.
Good luck !
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& Answers to Topic : Has any daughter-in-law been able to forgive.....
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No need to go anywhere else.
& Answers to Topic : Has any daughter-in-law been able to forgive.....
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Never
.....
Name: another DIL
Neha, a DIL, H & haha
why not
pat your back....:-)
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