Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I have been married for 1 year and stay in US.I had a love marriage and knew my husband for last 5 years. This summer my parents came to visit me for first time. My inlaws came 3 months later also for first time.My parents were gonna leave a month later after my inlaws arrived.My inlaws were okay for first one week.However after a week they started complaining to my parents everyday when I left for work with hubby that they have not given proper training to me. I do not make tea for my husband in morning, don't talk to my inlaws in morning and have high ego. My parents told my inlaws to tell their issues and concerns directly to me rather than telling through them. I used to respect my inlaws but after hearing this backbitching I was really hurt.I still continued to ignore things.But then one day they insulted my parents and said that they should be ashamed to come and stay at daughter's house. They also said that they are not responsible for my husband's wedding and only for their daughter's wedding. I got damm angry with my inlaws and fought with them. My hubby suddenly changed colors and hit me when he saw that I am fighting with his parents. I felt insulted. I do not talk to my inlaws since then. They have also gone back to India and told my extended family of this story in a different way. I am not a bad person but feel surprised of my inlaws mentality in this world. Please advise how to handle this situation as I get damm stressed. I am still continuiing to stay with my husband but we don't talk to each other's parents. Love replied. Yoo hoo, what world are your assenine inlaws living in? Sorry, your story is not only interesting. Ok, back home everyone has the luxury of a servant. Hmm...people don't earn to pay for this kind of service?? Any extras in life are to be appreciated NOT expected! Dammit, when the hell will the desi's learn. I am glad that I am single and WILL NOT marry a close minded lady from back home. I am sick and disgusted that people judge you by protocol. AS far as your husband hitting. Honey, you know what can be done legally in this country. To me, it seems like both of you need counseling, exercise, and time away from marital issues. I am, I swear AGAINST from outside family interferences! Sure, call me a liberal or whatever. Honestly, there is no difference of hitting and abusing someone. Folks, the world has changed. Why don't we all focus on love and respect. I really get disgusted when complete strangers are treated better than family. Have we all including families forgotten the wedding vows?? Good luck, focus on your strengths by dealing with the problems. Life, is too short to take it lightly. Nishabsk replied. To say you are lucky if you have understanding husband. It is even same with me. I don know why this guys treat their wife as slave. They think the gal has come to their house and need to listen according to them instead that they are sharing the life with a gal. I feel this most of the time. Finally they don't accept their parents mistake but point out others.. for no reason.

But be brave and ignore all those things. Leave the things to go as it goes.. which cannot be hold.. just another DIL replied. hey!! in all these posts i do not understand why ppl ONLY keep blaming the IL's. for most part they are being what they are or their image is supposed to be in the Indian society..... the same bitchy back biting ppl. I feel the husbands are more responsible and to blame for this mess that his parents create. Or is it that we are so engrossed in trying to hang on to the marriage that we ignore what our husbands do to us by insulting us by supporting his parents even when they are at fault. They say blood is thicker than water..... same goes for marriage too..... in the end the woman is the person who leaves her home (an integral part of her growing up life for 20 something years) and goes to a house hoping ppl will love her the same way, but ends up pushed to the corner by the very bond that brings her in. The feeling of insecurity is very high in Indian marriages. Supporting the parents becomes an ego issue for the husband, in front of his wife. When tempers flare up the word \";us\"; supposed to be meant for the husband and wife becomes \";us\"; meaning he and his parents and any siblings he has, which leaves the wife completely out of his life. i think this whole system of marriage is a big lie which we are all living.... a dil replied. Hi ,

I read your story and feel sorry for you. Let me make one thing very clear- Don't expect anything from your in-laws. The sooner you learn this, the better it is for you. It took me 2 years to figure out that there are some people in this world who can never be happy and satisfied and many in-laws are like that. No matter how much you do for your in-laws, you can never please them. It is a hard reality of life and you should simply accept it.

I too have faced many problems with my in-laws and tried hard to ignore their mistakes and rude behaviour, but all in vain. I always kept quiet and never said a word against them, but it only worsened the whole situation. They assumed I was quiet because I realized my mistake where as I kept thinking that by bringing up this issue, no one would be happy. Only I know how much I have done for my in-laws. I always respected them thinking that afterall they are our elders and we should not mind whatever they say or do. But obviously this feeling was one-sided. I had a bad time when my in-laws said so many bad things about me. They tried their best to potray my image as a bad dil. They stopped talking to me and so many things happened. I used to cry and feel weepy all the time. I was very depressed but slowly I learnt that the whole thing was affecting me only. So I decided to be strong and face the situation boldly.

Now I do talk to them whenever I feel like it, ofcourse I take the initiative. Hard feelings are still there but we have to maintain a certain relationship whether we like it or not.

As far as your case is concerned, I feel you should have not faught with your in-laws directly. Sometimes a high pitch or tone( usually when you are fighting with someone) creates problems. You can say the same thing in a totally different manner without creating any problems. I don't know how it happened but I fully agree with you that ur in-laws should not have said such things to your parents. They have no right to say anything like that. In my opionion, rather than getting angry and fighting with your in-laws, you should have talked to your hubby first. He needed to understand that his parents have made a blunder. Then all four of you could have talked about it. Anyway- it is a history now, we can't do much about it.

Now the need of hour is that you should sit with your husband and talk to him. Ask him how he would have felt if your parents have said the same thing to his parents. Make him understand that his parents were wrong and they should realize their mistake. You can tell your hubby all those things which you must have noticed during their stay and didn't like it or were wrong. And most important thing- tell your hubby boldly that you will never tolerate any kind of physical abuse. That's insane !! How could he even think of that? You have to convince your husband that his parents have made a big mistake and you are hurt. Tell your hubby that his parents are not God, who can never be wrong. They are also human beings like us and when we can make mistakes why can't they? And if they have made a mistake then they should realize it. Btw, do you have sister-in-law( ur hubby's sister)? If yes, ask your hubby if her in-laws( hubby's sis's in-laws) had said the same thing to his parents( your in-laws), how would they have felt? And if your sis-in-law had done the same thing( i.e. defending her parents) and was hit by her hubby- how your in-laws and ur hubby would have felt? Ask your husband to think over it.

I understand one thing completely that you tend to loose your patience when you hear such things about you or your parents and specailly when you havn't done anything wrong, but believe me , getting angry or yelling at your in-laws makes the situation only worse. It doesnt help at all. So be calm , relax and talk to your husband about it. Make a list of all major points with solid explanations that you have against your in-laws and then discuss them. I am sure if he is an educated and mature guy, he'll certainly see your view point. He might not agree with you at first, so don't loose your temper or feel bad- just wait and give some more time. Things will definitely change , but don't expect a miracle. These things take time.

It is good that you work- otherwise your life would have been miserable. Concentrate on your work and be brave. Everything will be fine. I wish you good luck.


replied. all i can say is \";Welcome to the club of dils with nitpicker ils\";. simmi replied. Hi,

My question to you is why did you invite your in-laws before your parents left? I think your story is similar to mine. Did all of this happen in front of your parents? D-i-l's are like slaves. We have to follow all the rules and regulations. Even if we do in-laws are always complaining about our up bringing and blaming our parents. It is very sad that girls go through so much humiliation in the Indian culture. I think you did the right thing. Your in-laws just can't insult your parents. I am outraged that your husband hit you. Please be firm and tell him that you won't tolerate any physical abuse. Please don't take this shit from him. You are in the US and the law will support you here. Care a damn to your in-laws. Better to do without them. You will have peace of mind. Now I am convinced that so many d-i-l's go through hell because of their hubby's parents. I am not the only one. Please don't worry and take care friend.