Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi

Have been reading into this forum and generally all DIL's have more or less same problems.

In the last post i made to sv, i just jokingly suggested that we ought to start a DIL's union. Come to think of it seriously thats not a bad idea. with so much of emotional traumatising going on..i doubt if anyof the dil's ever go for counselling. leaving bad memories, a lowered self esteem, bitterness towards married life and what not..

What say all to this idea. I havent a clue of a logical progression to this, but thats exactly what this forum is abt, so that all of us put our heads together and listen and talk and help out.

For starters I am going to put down a list of the problems i faced. DILs, husbands, pls join in with your exp. maybe later on we can look at the best ways of handling these grievences...
Maybe Indiaparenting can help us out with a counselor..?

1. Love marraiges..adjusting to diff culture. Its usually the girl who has to do all the adjusting

2. overbearing in-laws

3. over possesives MIL's, in some case OP FIL's too (didnt believe it until i saw it for myslf!!)

4. Taunts and comments

5. Husband caught in the fire, hence unable to side as only worsens situations

6. lose job for baby..and then stranded!!

7. typical outdated Indian boorish customs

8. problems with child-birth

9. to stay with / move out?

10. Stay abroad / in-laws coming over.

Pls girls write in...the more responses the more stronger our forum!

Girl power!! DIL Powerrrr!!

lachar DIL no more replied. Did you know that a controlling person is the most controlled one? That just gave me the kicks. I have a controlling MIL problem. So last time I was with her, I let her take charge or everything. End result, she got everything the way she wanted. And I ended up with fewer chores. The battle really is between being RIGHT & being HAPPY. And you can't have both. shelly replied. hello DILs,
I totally agree that we have a strong forum.. reading and telling stories really helps in forgetting and really lifts a load out of our minds.. if somebody has suggestions and how they tackled their situations please pour in. i know from my experience that once i moved out it was easier for me to stay connected with my in-laws and help them whenever they needed us. but staying together wasnt easy.. any suggestions on how should we handle them when staying with them?? lachar DIL no more replied. Heres my $.02 on this. Inlaws become very insecure after their son gets married. So the only way they can make themselves feel good is by \";rejecting\"; the bahu(DIL) & not to mention her parents. They don't like us yet they absolutely want us follow in their foot steps. I got married into another culture & my MOM-inlaw is very very pushy about following her traditions. I am proud of my upbringing & what I saw growing up with my parents. Why should I let go of that. So now I follow both. Initially I fought back everytime they wanted their way. That just wore me out. I mean those 6 months - my worst ever. Then I got some advice from a person on this forum a while ago & HE suggested embracing my in-laws. So on my next stay with them (which was only a month) I did that & it worked great. The power of love is amazing. You could make someone jump off a cliff if they love you. I still carry a lot of resentment for how they treated me & my parents. End result - I drown in depression & agony. So ladies we have to fight this battle with strategy. And we have to keep at it all the time. Its not a one time deal. Try n be a good DIL instead of an ideal one. We just need to hear them out & be nice to them. BUT put your foot down & do only what you want. Fighting definitely feels right, but I strongly believe that it will impact our own mental health & do tremedous damage to the family environment - definitely a bad idea for people with kids around.
I know its easier said than done. I am very independent woman & hate being pushed around, controlled. Sometimes even I give in to the pressures of a very interfering MIL. But I definitely noticed that the more I fought back the more she pushed my buttons. So show acceptance to them by being loving. Not to confuse it with humble. Open all lines of communication. Speak your minds if you think they are being unreasonable - that again do it \";pyaar se\";. Yes, unfortunately neither mine or your MIL is going to get on this forum & read our miseries. So we have to take the initiative.
Go DILs !! J replied. Hi CD,

This is a superb idea. It would be great if India parenting could allot a counselor for all the DILs. The counselor could go through all the messages & suggest an ideal solution to all our problems. We all are sailing in the same ship so why not fight the rough sea (INLAWS) together?? INDIAPARENTING..........PLEASE HELP!! one more sad dil replied. Hi everyone-
I fully agree with CD's comments. It was a feeling of comfort to see and know that I am not alone. There are many women who are going through the same situation and trauma as me. I fully support your views on inlaws bad behavior. I too have experienced this rough, rude and unpleasant attitude of my in-laws, inspite of giving them so much. Right now I feel like that I will never be able to please them, whatever I do. They always try to find faults in me. They have made me cry so much that I will never be able to forget. Inspite of all this I would like to say one thing that I will be there for them if they need me- sirf insaniyat ke wazah se. My parents always tell me not to have any hard feelings for them, inspite of knowing what my in-laws have said and done. It has hurt me badly. Anyway...we have only one life to live,so it would be better if we enjoy it the most.
Thanks, bye. GENTLEMAN!! replied. Ok, for one. Sorry I am a guy. I have resided in the states for 25 years. To my dismay, I find the same crappy culture, etc., being practised here. Also, my opinion-the women are being smart at hiding the truth, pain, etc too. Unless two gender's are present. Who really is telling the truth? Please, I respect and empathize anyone's pain. No one, should jude the other person. Here's what has helped me. The beginning, has to be on a solid foundation. Too many relationships are formed on a \";business like way.\"; Basically, my GOD have to get married. Is this an ethical, moral, or societal dilemma. Thank God, Thank God I have non desi friends to help me see the LIGHT.
I am not saying that desi's are bad. God, at least from my stand point. They definitely have their agenda set straight. How I have survived the bullshit \";when will you get married\"; is beyond me. Ok, just remember life and honesty are always the first rule. I have had all kinds of experiences.

1) No way EVER will my inlaws live with me.
2) My house is mine!!
3) My wife is the center of my heart.
4) NO outside NEGATIVE influences!!
5) A home with complete respect, discipline, and love.
6) Serving others to love and honor God.
7) NO backstabbers, gossip, or assholes.
8) Pets MORE so than human beings!
9) Friendship
10) Whatever comes to mind.
Sandhya Praveen replied. Hi! I'm Sandhya.
It was great to see somebody think the same as I do. I wholeheartedly agree with her view's on inlaws. Even I experienced trauma during my brief stint with them.