Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi
i just came across this board recently. been reading what many of u have to say. here goes my probs.
dont blame ur western upbringing as the prob! I have been born and brought up in India. but still face the same probs. I think any modern woman who has had a good education and knows to think for herself faces such issues as interfering IL's. They just don't understand that after marriage its a huge change for the bride and it shud not be just her who has to adjust. And also that as a couple the husband and wife need to take decisions and learn to live depending on each other.
There have been many instances where i have been told that its such a pain for them to share their \";ladla\"; with me. and that its a big sacrifice that they are making. also i have been made to feel and been told that I am not doing anything right and that my upbringing was not done well just because my views differ from theirs. Just because I am married I am even supposed to unlearn all the stuff i have learnt from my parents for 25yrs and just accept and think like what my IL's do. Sometimes its just too difficult to deal with and any such discussions end up in a quarrel with my hubby since he feels that as youngsters we need to adjust more than PIL who have been in that thinking mode for 6 decades. he says we shud not make them feel bad as they are old. Moreover I get lectures from MIL about how she never said a word against her MIL when she was asked to do things in a particular way! SIL is the greatet person in the world (to them and my Hubby just adores her) and whatever i do is always compared agaisnt how she handled the situation or how she cooks or how she behaves. she can bitch abt her IL's and quarrel with her hubby over what her IL's said but if I do the same I am being petty and behaving like an uneducated woman. And in the decison making tier I am the last or the least important. some decisions are just conveyed to me after they have been made or while in the process of making one i am asked to voice my opinion last which puts me on a spot as mostly they agree with what FIL has to say and whatever i say is either immature or me trying to take least risk.
even though we live abroad my hubby's family keeps touch on an everyday basis thru emails. so instructions pour in reguraly on how to live our lives!!!
ofcourse u'll find a tinge of jealosy in some of these feelings but who wud not want his/her spouse to be just their's. ofcourse he expects me to listen to him first so cant i expect the same from him? or is it just the bane of being in the Indian society.
Gosh! I really feel that marriage is more abt managing ur IL's than having and living a good life. Its all like a cat and mouse game. U never know what u say will be construed in what other way which u never imagined!!! its so hypocritical too. u r not judged the same way as another. its like living on a razor sharp edge and watch what u say or do and think of all the consequences beforehand. Kirti replied. I totally agree with all the women that have responded. My take is that it is such a double standard in our Indian society. We are asked to repsect and give attention to our in-laws...But the guys don't ever have to worry about pleasing our parents. If I don't call my MIL in a week, I'll hear it. My husband in the 4 years that we have been married, has NEVER picked up to call my parents.. He never even asks about them. He will be the first to tell me I am ignoring his mom. its a DOUBLE STANDARD. The rules in our scoiety were created by the males and females never had a say. Furthermore, Ithink its interesting how these parents of sons wish them to marry someone attractive and educated and also domestic who can cook and clean as they wish. Well you can't have both. YOu will brag that your DIL is educated and has a career, but when the reality sets in that your son's wife is not as domestic as you would want, you can't handle it. You feel for your poor baby son. CUT THE APRON STRINGS!! he is a grown man...We women do it all the time, get married and move away from our parents.

once again, DOUBLE STANDARD...

Thanks for reading.... CD replied. one last word of advice of you..
get a job if you dont hav one right now.
then your life isnt just husband marraige and in-laws and the S***ty stuff.... theres more to life then wretchedness.find out and you'll be happy albeit till your MIL steps into the house!!!
cd replied. Me got married abt 3 years back. a love marraige. my husband fell out with parents and married. thought it was my duty to bring them back together.
big big mistake!! Have set several stupid precedents which i regret!

just to keep them happy agreed to out of this world taliban rules and regulations. now cant get out of it. have a kid 1 year. sometimes wonder what i am going to teach her when me myself behave like a wimp.
razor-edge is the word. every interaction is a nightmare! One cannot guess when next and over what they can be offended. have cried more in these 3 years than in the past 25 years.
quit my job to join my husband for fear of them. repent losing my job, my independance. sometimes feel like walls closing in.

my solutions for these issues -

quote - There have been many instances where i have been told that its such a pain for them to share their \";ladla\"; with me

be clear with your husband that its time they all grow up and cut the umbilical cord!

quote ....end up in a quarrel with my hubby since he feels that as youngsters we need to adjust more than PIL who have been in that thinking mode for 6 decades.

in a way your husband is correct.they have been molded into what they are over the years. they simply wont change for the love of you...will they?? Give up on the idea of changing their thoughts ...however outdated they might be!!
to issues which are potentially spark blowers...IGNORE!!!

quote -...SIL is the greatet person in the world (to them and my Hubby just adores her).....

I suppose when people compare, they are just threatened by you. look at it as one way of them saying, ok..we also have a girl in our familuy who is a good as you..so just take it cool.Any such remarks..remind yourself..they are only threatened by you!
as for your hubby who adores his sis..i know it must be diff for you.
1 thing staying at my in-laws i learmt is how much i miss my people!never break contact with your own family. give leeway to your husband to be with his own family..you dont need to join the mushy mushy family unions.you can take time out then for your own family / hobby. tell you husband to let you go else you might puke! simply!

true marraige is such an eye-opener.so much emotional traumas you go thru! Now i prefer live-in any time!!

As for more advice..just wait till you have a baby..its all waiting to start.whose house you will deliver, who all will be there..who will keep the name (i hope not your SIL!!!)

keep writing your ways of handling. beleive me when i write down advice to you, puts things in perspective for me.

You take care,maybe we ought to start a union of DILs!! wot say all?? Suchi replied. Someone recently told me that one should first know the in-laws and then get married. I think it is very true. You are not alone in this kind of situation. When I first got married my in-laws said that I boast a lot. Just because I am a talkative person they took me in the wrong way. After that I always had to be careful with my words. My father-in-law has also told me that my upbringing is bad, blamed my parents, said I should learn to listen more than talk, I should learn to talk properly and blah blah.... They want me to change my personality. That will never happen. Yes, my sister in law is the most talented person in the world according to my in-laws. They are always boasting and bragging about her and make me feel like a stupid person. Yes, my in-laws also interfere a lot. They pour out suggestions and those are to be accepted by us. I keep them at a distance because I am absolutely fed up of them. Yes, I blame our culture and society. D-I-L's have to bow down and worship their in-laws like Gods. It is ridiculous. I totally agree with you that we are living on a razor sharp edge where you have to watch what you say and do. Let's just be ourselves and not what others expect us to be. One way or the other they will always try to find faults. So just be happy.