Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,
My boyfriend is from a traditional Indian family who still live in India. He has in the US for over 10 years, and we are in an intercultural relationship, as I am a white American. We are expecting our first child and are discussing the possibility of getting married. We both love eachother very much, but in our discussions about child-rearing, all of our cultural differences are coming out and causing a lot of fighting. Basically all of our fighting revolves around the role we envision his parents having in our family's life. If we get married, he wants them to come and live with us. I have very different ideas about raising/disciplining children than his parents do. He claims that I have no right to set guidelines to them on how they can discipline their grandchild (example: no spanking). He said that in his culture, the grandparents have just as much of a right to make decisions about raising the child than the parents do. I want to try and understand this, but I just can't. In my culture, the parents are the ultimate decision makers in their child's life and the grandparents go along with what the parents decide.

Is it true that his parents would want to have nothing to do with their grandchild and would feel extremely disrespected if I ask them to not do certain things, like spank or hit?

Please give me some advice on how to handle this situation. I want to find a way to reach a compromise, but he is very adamant that we have no right to put any limitations on the grandparents.

PLEASE HELP!!!! xyz replied. Hi Heather,
if you think so strongly abt raising your child.. you should have given it a serious thought before getting pregnant. Indian men are brought up in this way that their parents are not less than GOD to them.. and everybody else is almost nothing as compared to them. grandparents give a hard time when we try to discipline our children.. and my hubby thinks that i am being overpossesive or since i am educated and earning i am showing off and his parents have all the experience in bringing up great children. even when you say no to eating junk even minutes before dinner time..your child will run to his grandparents for rescue and get a treat and things like mummy is bad , dont talk to her, we will beat mummy and so on are common occurences. so beware!! s replied. Things are fine with your boyfriend because you're not married, but, believe me, things change overnight once that certificate is signed.

I'm American too, married to an Indian for 12 years. My husband knew he didn't want an arranged marriage, but he didn't take that knowledge beyond the wedding. He treated me the way his father treated his mother: like a servant. It didn't matter that we were equals in our careers and education; he had been taught his whole life that his household should revolve around his desires. His parents and sister were in and out of our house for most of the first year of our marriage, and it soon became clear who came first. His blood family and money came before my mental well-being. We worked through all that, but it took a long time. I stuck around because I knew he loved me but didn't know how to treat a female family member as an equal. We were happy for a few years.

Then, his mother moved in with us for good shortly after the birth of our second child. That was a disaster. We didn't get along -- she didn't speak much English and has a serious martyr complex -- but my husband's reaction to everything was, why can't you just get along? Why can't you enjoy having help with the housework? It didn't matter that she insulted me, subtlely, behind his back and then claimed I misunderstood (her other DIL, who is Indian and speaks her language, was also insulted by her, so I know I *didn't* misunderstand). To him, his mother could do no wrong. He never took my side, just kept telling me to go to the doctor to get medication for depression, because there must be something wrong with me, his mother wasn't *capable* of such things. He also managed to get out of all household chores because he would ask his mom to do all his work, with the excuse that she needed something to do. She wouldn't let him wash a dish -- she would physically pull him away from the sink.

Am I bitter? You bet. If I had known what marriage to an Indian would be like, I would have run in the opposite direction. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about exactly who comes first for him, and then you have to decide whether you believe what he says will continue into marriage. My husband and I were close friends for two years before we even started dating, and I was completely blindsided when we got married and he started taking me for granted, saying awful, hurtful things in the interest of \";honesty\";. It might be best for you to stay unmarried; his parents will most likely not want to live with you unless you are married. If you were not expecting, I would say run and don't look back.

s

p.s. MIL doesn't live with us anymore, but she's close by and we still do everything for her. I take what peace I can get. Chandra replied. I am engaged to an Indian man (and a child psychologist to boot). I am NOT judging you, but how could you even consider having a child knowing this to begin with? The problem of raising the child and how is only a minor symptom of what the big issue is: that you can't agree on things. If you think it's hard now, it's not going to get any easier and is that in the best interests of your child? Advice! replied. Heather,

Both my husband and I are from India but from different states - where there is difference of language and culture.

WHat I am really surprised about is .. did you not think through all this before letting this man be the father of ur expected child? I envision these issues will cause a lot of pain and grief later for both of you and even make you consider leaving him unless you are willing to bear all of this to be with your man and ur child together.

These days no Indian woman would like to live with their in-laws especially in the United States where there are no maids and you will have to take care of all their needs. It is absolutely ridiculous! One thing which may be good for you is that ur husband buy them another home, very closeby to yours. That way, grandparents can be close, from ur boyfriend's perspective he will have taken care of his duties and also they will not meddle in your lives especially raising your kids. Nina replied. hi,
i can understand your problem very well..I married my boyfrnd.He has a elder brother and two elder married sisters with kids.But his elder brother is issue less so our baby(m 16 weeks pregnant)is going to be first child in his family.Now comes the problem,i was a science student and love and respect science.I hate superstitions or pointless old wives tales and guess what my mother in law though nice lady is very superstitious and has a long list of dos and donts..heather i tell you i am so scared for my baby i dont want him learning all useless stuff from my mother in law.only thing nice is my husband is very supportive of my idea.for you as i have thought for myself i would say ultimately u wud be rearing the child for 9 months..it would be all your efforts and energy in his development so you have first right how to raise your child.i think your husband is wrong to impose on you indian ideologies and belive me there are very few indians left in india like him.what i can say is talk it out with his parents directly..tell them you want him to learn best from both cultures.i m kinda angry on ur husband..i have thought that i would raise my child as i want..its fine that its my in laws first grandchild but hey its my first child too...further more one of his elder sister always keeps poking nose in my pregnancy..u no giving me unwanted advice and scolding me...ugggh..i read your post and i had to reply to it..tell your husband after all what ever you would decide for your child would be the best no mother in the world thinks bad or evil things for her childern.
good luck dear,
nina Risham replied. Heather.. u have my heart felt sympathies for u. Being an indian married woman i went through lots of mental torture and the cause was my inlaws and family. One thing i have assured everyone is that i am never going to forget how they treated me, so my baby is mine. Thay have no right if they as his mother cannot respect me they have no requiremnt of my baby in there lives. So pls take it out of your mind that u have to do there will. The final desicion is always the parents and not grandparents...they can advice u but not force u! So if your boyfriend tells u to adhere to hos parents wishes pls tell him otherwise. Also make sure that you specify clearly that forcing the issue is not going to help. ^ replied. Hi Heather,

I am sure your boyfriend is a nice person, but I would suggest you to think twice before marrying him. I am not saying that marraiges between Americans and Indians don't work. I know of atleast two couples like you guys who are married and living happily. But I feel those Indian husbands are a bit broad minded than your boyfriend.

I am an Indian and so is my husband. We had an arranged marraige and like many Indian girls I did not know my husband or his family very well before marraige. Our families are so different that sometimes I think I shouldn't have jumped into the marraige without giving it a lot of thought. After all divorce is next to impossible for Indian women.

When my in-laws visit us, they stay at our place (we live in the U.S.) for 6 months. During this period my mil makes my life extremely miserable. I cook only what she tells me to. There is no limit to how much she interferes in the upbringing of my kids. My in-laws had a say in naming the babies, deciding what to feed them, which day-care to choose and so on.

Of course not all Indian in-laws are like my in-laws, but if you feel that your would-be in-laws are like mine, sort things out with your husband as well as your in-laws before getting married itself.

I wish you all the best.

( I am just copying and pasting a comment/view of an American wife married to an Indain husband. You can also click on this link to view it.

http://www.indiaparenting.com/raisingchild/data/raisingchild209book.shtml


My inlaws came to visit one month after our marriage ( I am american, he is Indian) His mother was so evil and so cruel. The 4mo at our home was the worst 4mo of my life. To my concern they are NEVER welcome back in my home again. My husband never defended me. he always blamed me. I was always made to be the bad one. Finally I seeked counceling and it made me stronger to see I am NOT the one in the wrong. His mom is just got some issues. but his brother is close with her just as my husband is. So my sister in law also has same issues with her. and she is indian and was arranged. I still til this day almost one year later am so taunted from this and literally have nitemares of them ever coming back here. He says they will when I have baby. Im like over my dead body. She took away my happiness in marriage she surely isnt taking away from me and my baby. That will be the day I surely pack and leave and never look back. So advice to all you indian woman that suffer and husbands dont defend you? GET OUT. YOU deserve to be happy. Not constantly put down or belittled. DO NOT tolerate the caos. I know I never will again. Im sick to my tummy just typing of it now. They have scarred me terribly. :-(
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Harj replied. I am asian and was brought up in the UK. My husband was bought up in India and I went through some of the problems that you described. I do not think the grandparents would disown their grandchildren just because their not bought up as they would want. I dont think this is just because it is an intercultural relationship but its and East West divide. I think in life you need advice on everything, if the advice your in laws give is good than take aspects of it on board, but I feel the final decision is for the mother and father.