Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi guys...So we' ve all heard and read about the privacy, freedom, and self discovery of living on your own, and the love, affection, and help that you get in a joint family.

I think irrespective of the pros and cons, it basically depends on the point that you reach in life where the balance of freedom Vs security starts to tilt and you' re no longer happy in a joint family. My parents are very loving, but also dominate and keep control of expenses that I and my younger brother contribute. I live 35 kms from my workplace, and spend more time travelling than with my family. How can I convince my parents that I need to move out? Here are my challenges -

- My dad is very possessive and would hate to lose not just a loving son, but one that contributes a good amount to household expenses (I contribute more than twice as much as my brother).

- What will he say to relatives when they ask (I can give him plenty of logics, but he won' t let himself be convinced)

I want to move closer to my place of work, and I' m going to build my story around it. I' m going to ask that we all move, but stay in 2 separate flats so we can be together as well as separate. But this ' separate' word is hard for him to digest...any ideas around how I can convince him???? This really is something I want more than anything else, but without hurting my parent' s feelings or ruining my relation with them....Help! Mel replied. Good Luck !

And let us know how it turns out. Mel replied. I think your idea makes sense. You could initiate the discussion about your work place being too far, let it gain momentum, and then ask him to help you think of solutions. Maybe he will suggest moving closer. Then the issue of expensive large flats and so on. But, try and make it seem like a discussion between you both, and as if you haven' t thought about solutions yourself.

Maybe this is the only way you can do it amicably. But, don' t be in a hurry. Such a big decision may take a few sittings. So, as it makes some progress, take a break and continue debate a few days later... On the pretext of researching rental prices etc.
I understand the need for some independent decision making. My husband used to tell me that it' s not about me, but that he feels stifled too so often. Ofcourse our exit from the joint family was not amicable. But, now we' re staying close by for the last 6 years, and it' s much better. They' ve made their peace. Relatives have stopped asking. So, good luck, and hope things work out. And keep us posted. Mel replied. I think bad feelings and disagreemens will definitely result. Are you married ? If you are, the blame could shift to your wife.

Either way, they won' t take it well. But, eventually, things will iron themselves out. If you keep sending them some money and visit regularly, and spend quality time with them when you can, eventually all the anger will subside.

But, if you need to move out, I think you should. We forsake practicality and objectivity thinking about our parents feelings. But, how long can we carry this on ?