Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi All,

A background, I am married for 7 years, have a 4.5 yrs old son,am working part time and stay abroad. My IL' s visit us for 3 months every year and we visit them for 3 weeks in India for our anual holidays.

In the past 7 yrs the relation ship between me an d my MIL had gone to the extremes, I really hate her now.

My husband is their only son, and is a mumma' s boy. He dies out of guilt that he has to stay away from them and is not fulfilling his responsibility ( in terma sof staying with them), he sends them a decent amount of money every month and has also bought them a new big house of their choice.

I should accept that, I had gone through a lot of mental stress because of the expert manipulative ways of my MIL and did actions which are not socially acceptable or in any ways considered good.

In the last 8 months I have realised that becuase of my open hatred of my MIL and telling this all the time to my DH, our relationship was worsening, which my MIL was taking full benefit of and then she used to call my parents over and openly say that we should half divorce (means stay away from each other until we wish to stay together), which I put my foot downin saying no.
I also had to put my foot down to saying that she will not enter the kitchen or run any errands around the house, even pick up and fold the towel, even though I do not have ANY household help here. All this becuase, even if I do most of the activities and she helps a bit, when she leaves she tells my DH that she did most of the work and I helped her only occassionally maybe a couple od days in her 3 months stay, and my DH would undoubtedly belive it. She would aslo pick up any of my statements and make an issue out of it. for eg: if i left my son with her on my husband' s wish, and when I return if I asked her what did my son eat, she would say I do not trust her and that is why I am asking her, and moreveer her daughter does not have the guts to ask this to her MIL, how can I do it. ( I do not wish to leave my son with her and take her obligation)She picks up on any statement that I make and finds something neagative with it.

Before they were due to come here, I told my DH that now I realise we are all one family and even if we do not get along well, atleast the most important thing would be not to fight. I completely stuck to it, did ALL household work,even if she tried to come and interfere diplomatically, I just asked her politely to leave the kitchen. I am not talking to her with the fear and also because i do not wish to talk because of the past hatred.

My husband says that he is happy with me taking charge of the work and not back answering on any situation to avoid a fight, but i should talk to them with love. Somehow i cannot do this. Am i right.

In the 3 months that they stay here, they go everywhere with us, I am used to having my DH undivided attention when they are not around, but when they are around we hardly get time to talk.
This sometimes leads to complains from me for him. But no fights anymore.

The current scene at home is no fight but no talk between me and my IL' s , but when my DH is around i also participate in the talk.

PLs advise if I am right, or if i should do something better or...
A replied. Kavita, u seem to be a nice girl, who cares for what her DH asks for. Working all alone at home with food,cleaning and kid and doing ur best at workplace will leave u very exhausted and not even allow u to think straight. Maintain ur cool,do ur bit . Its kind of u to participate in family talks when all are around,inspite of harbouring so many complaints against ur mil. All women do not allow their DH to spend so much for their parents but believe me by doing so u will earn a soft corner in ur Dh' s heart. Hope they realise that parents will only get used to this fat packet pouring in free from their sons! We tend to speak out our heart to DH assuming they will support us , but many men try to make out a bad picture of us and grow more fondness for their mothers. Also tey might be thinking we r painting a bad picture of their mom more than it is.
Believe me i am with my in laws and my grand in laws and maintaing 4 generations at home is showing toll on me and my kids. It looks like u r doing every bit to keep ur marriage going, and i pray ur husband sees sense in it and loves u more and u gradaully get over things and have a fun life. Panicked replied. I have realized one thing that if you want a happy married life with your husband, you will have to try to get along with your husband' s mother. That is the bad part. I don' t know what it is with Indian men.
Your in laws come here for three months last time? that is quite a bit! My in laws came here last time for three months and they created havoc here.

When they were here, My husband did not give me an iota of time when they were here. This really irritated me. When he had to take me out for dinner, he had to ask his mother for permission, What a baby?

I am pregnant and i am expecting a girl. He wants his mother to feed my daughter honey. In his dreams! How can i get that women who said to my son \" who is putting you against me\" \" whose genes do you have inside you?\"

You should be glad that your father in law hasn' t said to you that you are having an affair with someone just because you talked to a man.

When my family came here, my husband did not even bother to talk to them. He was upstairs and they were downstairs the whole time. When we had to eat, he would ask for his food upstairs and not bother to eat at the dinner table. When his parents were here, he has the nerve to say to me to stay downstairs and talk to my parents.

One thing for sure is that You are doing a right thing when your husband is not home, you don' t need to talk to them but when your husband is home, you should show that everything is fine.

My problem is that even if i do not talk to them, then they also tell their son but i am going to turn the tables and make it sound like it is their fault and not mine if my husband asks anything.
If they say anything to me, then i am not going to sit their like a dummy, i am going to back answer because last time they were here, they said a lot of rude things which caused me to have depression cause i kept my mouth shut. i kept thinking about it when they were gone. Not this time!

My husband' s parents are coming here for six weeks and i have no clue how i am going to do handle them. i don' t even want to be in the same room with them.