Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

How to essentially deal with such In Laws:
1) Who are completly insecure after marrying off their son.
2) Constantly frustrating son and DIL for staying in a different city.
3) Now openly abusive in their visits.. after 6 yrs of marrying their son with small children.
4) Yearly escalating petty disagreement between son & DIL and calling up DIL' s parents to severe all ties and dire consequences.
5) Cornoring DIL and all supporting each other for every wrong they do & say.
6) If their son tries to support his wife then further frustration & abuses for him.
7) ILs are apparently educated and had been living in metro over 40 yrs but the abusiveness is not at all gone.. this is not just for DIL but also for elderly servants.
8) FIL absolutely clear at the time of marriage for no dowry but MIL is a typical greedy lady who would wait for even hospital food on discharge day.
9) MIL speaks nicely to DIL but constantly fuels her son against DIL & her fly even in front of servants.
10) MIL always ready to keep her son' s bed either in their room or hall on pretext of distrubance by a small child.
11) MIL cannot stand anyone talking nicely to DIL, any appreciation for her and even her own kids approaching/ calling out to her.

I know all marriages are not perfect and you have to make efforts to keep it going atleast for the sake of children to ensure that they get a better upbringing.
But how to deal with above points when your husband is in agreement & aware of wrong going on but cannot take any step to calm his aging parents.
As a result of this unrest at 6th year we' re now just sharing a house & a few moments with children and nothing more.. how can this relation be further improved given the fact that son cannot leave his parents and MIL cannot stop hating DIL. gauri replied. i always go through this post ...but never put my opinion...but reading ur problme i cudnt stop...ur story n mine is just the same..god has 2 charaters from one ...our mils...only diff is u have completed 6 years ...n i leterally suffered for 1 and half year...coz i had never come across such a character n i ddnt know how to deal with her...now i am a mother of 2 ...the best policy...become deaf...n dumb..seriously it wroked in my case...dont react ....become like a rock..and do whatever u feel like...
in the beginning i did a lot for my mil..i had never done for my own mother so much..stilll she use to say bad things about me...now i dont do anything...i dont answer her back..i dont cry...i done listen to what she says its good or bad..she praises me no end..but i royally ignore her..coz i know her praises are as fake as she use to tell all lies about me...she herslf is fake ...selfish person n such people are meant to be ignored..i devote all my time attention to my hubby...n both my dahgters....
if u pay attention to ur mil...first outcome will be u n ur husband will end up fighting...n thats what she wants ...she takes advatage...now the situation is my hubby says look at mom ..i will say 4get it she is old now...be a good son..i gv him lecture...

i hate my mil too....lwave everything on god..shw will pay...

i will tell u 2 examples one my aunt and another is my husbans aunt..both were gem of person..totally devoted..loyal dil...

my aunt when she was pregnant she use to feel sleepy all the time...her mil would wake her up by throuwing water on her face or by taking sharp pinch on her thighs...u know how her mil died...for 6 years she was in bed ...she had paralysis ..4 six yersa her daughter in law looked after her...when her very own daughter wud come to meet her ..they wudnt clean her ..they wud run away covering their mouth ...

my husbands aunt ..her mil use to beat her...she wud burn her hand by heating spoon if she wud not cook properly...5 years her mil had lost her mental balance...she had 4gotten her own daughters..names n also son..but she wud all the time take dil name ...she use to feed her with her own hands..

i too have come out ot this mess..the more u think about it...the more u will get depressed..then who will look after ur child.......just ignore her...everything will be alright...

dont d anything for her...like taking something on her name...i too have gone thru..the same situation ...now i stopped everything... Mel replied. I completely understand what you are going through. And believe me, educated ILs can be more calculating, conniving and interfering than lesser educated ones.

My advice is from experience... and I would urge you not to let your relation with your husband deteriorate over your ILs. Keep your family intact for the sake or yourself, your hubby and most importantly, your kid(s).

There is nothing that can be achieved by your husband confronting them. They will never accept their fault. I have personally gone through this. When my hubby sits and calmly logically tries to sort out problems, they will engage in screaming, shouting, insulting both him and me, my family, everything... and at the end of the conversation, they make their own husband feel so low and dejected. By the end of the whole thing... we are left even further humiliated, bruised and emotionally hurt.

Be happy that your husband is in agreement with you. I' m not saying be grateful, I' m saying... be happy. A lot of husbands KNOW that their parents are wrong, but will NOT ACCEPT that as they know that the next step is that their wives will be more outspoken / firm once they know they have their husbands backing. Sometimes, I feel that if the husband understands the wife, then the ILs put him in a worse off position.

What do you hope to achieve by his speaking to them / calming them down ? Tell me honestly, do you think they will calm down ? Will they listen to him ? Will the behaviour change ? The answer to all is ' NO' . They will NOT calm down, they will NOT accept their mistake, they will NOT accept you with open arms.... NOTHING will change. On the contrary, they will say things to him like, we have raised you, and now you are telling us things for the sake of your wife. And at the end of it, he will feel like crap.

Be smart... instead of trying to do things this way... take logical measures.

First of all, tell your husband that you love him, and do not want him to confront them as they will end up hurting him. But, that he needs to take responsibility for his family. Get forms and start the process of changing nominations. You can change nominations with a simple form. There is no requirement for his mother to sign (or even to know). Change all nominations to your child' s name (with your name as guardian). This is for everything... bank accounts, PF gratuity, etc. If the car is in his name, let it be, but whatever you purchase from now on.... car / house / etc, let it be in YOUR name / in joint names of you both. Take charge of this as this will yield real results for you (as opposed to confronting them which will only lead to heartache for you and your husband).


Next step, remove her from the decision making process.... slowly and gently. Let her give as much unsolicited advice as she wants, don' t disagree, just shake your head and smile. If she says book your house in son' s name, smile and nod (but look distracted). Then sit with your husband, and tell him that he KNOWs what they do, and the least he can do is put things in both your names. So, register all future major purchases in your name / both names.

If she calls and abuses / threatens your parents, ask them to calmly tell her to do what she wants and slam the phone down. They are not supposed to tolerate retarded behaviour just because they are the girls parents. And if your MIL brings up the issue, tell your hubby that it is another one of her fabrications... that they havent done it all these years, and she is running out of reasons to point her finger so she is inventing new ones.

Last of all, just to emphasize my first point, please do not let your marriage break down because of your ILs. Tell your hubby that you will be civil to her no matter how she behaves only because you love him. But, that all decision making needs to be restricted to the two of you.

All the best. Hope things improve. Shilpa replied. In addition to above the ILs have ensured that :
1) Son' s bank accounts have nominee as only mother.
2) Sons' s office PF & gratuty etc have 100% contribution to mother.
3) Car bought by DIL is in their son' s name.
Despite all these efforts they blame the DIL' s fly for interference & provocation.