Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I am 33 yrs old and got married in 2003. It was a love marriage and we were very happy in our married
life. I have 1.5 yrs old baby. but suddenly i saw changes in his behaviour last four months, i aksed him what happend? why you avoiding me. He said that he thinking about our relationship, he feels when we got married that time he was not matured enough to take right decision and now he feel that he never loved me and dont want to stay with me. I was very shock by this. Then later on i came to know that somesone else has come in his life and want to get separate from me. But for me its a very shocking, I told him that he is doing very foolish thing, coz of some other girl u want to separate from your family, even i told him to come back , i will forgive you for whatever u did to me , we will start again in life but he is not ready to do that. He asking for divorce but i dont want to give him. Now i dont understand what to do? nowdays he is not taking to me, coming late . very depressed coz of his behaviour.

I want you to help me with your suggestion to get him back. pls pls help me . I love him much , and i wont be able to see him sad also. Mel replied. Sorry, I didn' t know you replied to my post. It' s hard to keep track of messages on these boards as there is no update.

Anyway, could you please let me know if things are still the same ? hi S.A. replied. Hi, its being a long time, i was expecting the views from your side, but somehow MEL did not get time to reply i suppose.. Anyways things are still the same and i dont know where i m heading for. He is still taking to her and not changing at all. I am trying my level best to change his mind but he is like....some magic that girl has done i think.

Worst thing is now he is jobless and still dong the same and taking to her. I spoken to him lot of times saying that u concentrate on ur career otherwise u are nowhere..but i dont know what is happend to him.

Please give me some suggestion on this.. what should i do to make him understand the life seriousness.

PLssssssssssssss reply Mel replied. You know... from your messages, I feel as if he has gone crazy for that woman. And the only reason for this, is because she may have left him and gone. That is why he is blind to everything. He cannot understand reason. He is just looking for ways and means to get married to her.

If you don' t want to give him a divorce, can you atleast move away from him ? Maybe if you and the baby move away, he will realise your loss. I have seen too many instances of this happening. Guys are nonchalant and aloof. And once the woman leaves them, they can' t handle it. Only then they realise the value of that person. It' s like.... they want what they can' t have. UNfortunately, I have a feeling, that she left him, and that is why he has this urgency to marry her. He is afraid that he will lose her again.

That' s why nothing makes sense to him anymore, not you, not the baby.

Tell me one thing, where are his parents ? Do they know about this ? Maybe it would make sense to get his parents involved in this. How' s your relationship with his mother ? And you said that he had said that he was very young when you got married. Was it a love marriage ? How long did you know each other before that ? Mel replied. From your reply, it seems as if, he was just having an affair initially. I have a feeling that this woman fell in love with him. It' s possible that she may have left him, which is when he couldn' t take it and that' s when he started avoiding you.

Now, that she has realised that she CAN affect him, she is presurrising him to marry her. That' s why she keeps calling him and irritating. She is more jealous of you than you are of her.

She must also be chewing up his brains to get married to her soon.

The only other method I can see... is if you make your home environment stress free for him. Make him feel relaxed and happy to be home. (I know this is OBVIOUSLY very difficult to do.) But, try. And don' t discuss anything. If that girl calls up, ignore it. Don' t cry and don' t plead with your hubby.

I don' t understand why there is a sudden change in his behaviour... Either,
1. He is trying to be nice so that he can somehow get a divorce. Or,
2. He is feeling guilty for doing this to you and the baby for no fault of yours.
I hope it is the second, and I hope he realises that his wife and child mean happiness and stability for him, and this other woman means insecurity and mental torment for him. Mel replied. Kick him out. Give him a divorce.

Now, I know that this is easier said than done. But, remember, the more you plead and beg and reason, the more he will be repulsed and the more he will try to run away.

Change the game. There is only one chance of getting him back. Change the game. Make yourself like steel. I mean LIKE STEEL.

Call him one night, sit him down, tell him that you have decided to give him a divorce. And that you wanted to have a brief word... if it was ok by him.

Once you both are seated. Be stoic, calm and with a pleasant demeanour. Tell him that your world revolved around him and that it came as a shock to you when you discovered his relationship, but that you now understand what he is going through. Tell him that you are happy for him, and that you are not soul mates. And that you have decided to give him a divorce. He may be shocked... and his male ego will prod him to ask you how come the sudden change. Just brush him off, smile and move away. Try and get some friend of yours to call you up, speak softly and jokingly on the phone, giggle discreetly and make sure that your whole face lights up, smile with your eyes.

I know this is tough. And you have to be careful not to break down while talking to him. MAKE SURE YOU APPEAR INDIFFERENT TO HIM. IF HE HOLDS YOUR HAND OR COMES CLOSE, VERY SUBTLY MOVE AWAY. Tell him it' s late, and you' re tired. Keep up this charade for as long as you can.

If he prods on... then you' re in luck. Tell him that your parents have found a divorcee guy whom you knew from childhood / college. And that there' s nothing between you two, but that you are just testing the waters. And if everything goes well... who knows... Whenever you talk about this guy, maintain a slight smile on your face, look excited and shy...

I don' t know how to express my feelings, but I can understand what you are going through, and I know you feel like it' s the worst thing that could possibly happen.

Be brave for yourself and for your baby. The only way men come back is when they realise the importance and feel the loss of their wives / girlfriends. You have to create that illusion. No amount of emotional blackmailing, crying or reasoning will work. But, this might. I wish you all the best. And I pray that you find happiness.