Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi,

i have been married for close to 4 months now and my MIL is perhaps the typical MIL. ours was an arranged marriage but we had a long gap of one and a half years after engagement. my inlaws are very very orthodox telugu brahmins so much that even today you are not supposed to be inside the house if you get ur periods. my husband is modern and very supportive. My inlaws have been good to me so far otherwise but when it comes to their dughter(who is married and does not have inlaws) something happens to them! they will not allow even a fly to sit on her head and it sometimes is very irritating. even i am very important to my parents as any child would be but they over do it a little is what i feel. i come from a very liberal and modern family. i was brought up in north india and my ILs don' t know anything other than AP. we are now in the US and i keep cooking a lot of dishes, both north indian and south indian. but few days back, when my husband told my mil that i cooked something, she commented that \" looks like i prepare a lot of north indian dishes\" husband tells me to cook whatever i want to coz he is fond of all kinds of food but that we will not tell his parents about it exactly. he said we will tell them some south indian item when they ask.
then my MIL is always curious to know where i' ve kept my jewellery and my silver items etc. everything is at my parents' place as i thought its better that way. My MIL always keeps commenting on how my parents do not know any brahmin rituals and customs etc. we cant send them pictures of me wearing western outfits. she keeps telling me i am like her daughter but i feel very conscious when i talk to her. i feel that even a single sound that comes out in a wrong way will bring in some suspicion in to her mind. my husband supports me but he also says that i shud understand where she is coming from and what kind of life she has led until now. that she doesnt know anything apart from the rituals and customs and has always lived with people who follow them. so she doesnt know anything. i dont understand, if she has limited knowledge about the world other than hers, why doesn' t she understand where others are coming from. we are young and want to lead a good life the way we want. why do we have to succumb to what our elders expect us to do all the time and lead our lives the way they direct them.. ?? sudha replied. I' m very sorry to hear about your pain .Are you two in the US alone,if yes why don' t you do some babysitting ( give advertisement in craigslist ,i' m sure you have heard about it if not let me know).Tell your H that you really want to do this at home ,if he agrees then this will actually be a good thing.

Since your MIL is not here try and get physically closer to your husband forget about what he did to you ,wear what he likes,you are newly married why is it that physical attraction is something you are thinking about ,it should come naturally .
Do all those things,honestly,you have to make him mad after you.Give him a reason to come home from office eager to see you.Otherwise he is going back to his mommy.You don' t want that right.

Sit down and think about what I have told you.You have nothing to loose.
If this first step is a success then go ahead and get pregnant ,when you are carrying his child he will be mentally soft for you as you are now his child' s mother.Do all that I have told you and see how it goes.
Keep your MIL away from your mind for the time being.She is only trying to dominate over you,but if you have her son in your hands your work is done . Shreya replied. My MIL and FIL keep treating my SIL as if she would break into pieces if she so much as lifted a finger. This is in spite of her being 36 years old, married and successfully handling work and life pressures in the US. My in-laws live with us (hubby, 2-year old kid and I) round the year - they occasionally visit their native place for 1-2 months, inspite of being financially independent and owning a house there. I am a working mother - they always explain to others that they are here to look after my child but the truth is that I have a live-in maid and a baby-sitter who do most of the work. My in-laws simply hang around doing their own stuff (pujas, reading books/newspapers, eating, sleeping and watching TV), sometimes play with the child (when the baby-sitter is otherwise engaged) and constantly find fault with my maids. There is a window of 1-2 hours between the time the baby-sitter leaves and I reach home but once I do so, they completely switch off from my child and act as if they had to do a lot of work while I was away. On top of that, my MIL is jealous of the fact that I continue to work after having a kid and keeps poisoning my husband by saying how much my child misses me and how mothers of young children shouldn' t work. I am sure she would have supported my SIL to continue working in a similar situation. In addition, my SIL comes over from the US to visit for at least 3-4 weeks every year - thats a period of great ordeal for me because my SIL and MIL complement each other (both are religious maniacs and think they are these greatly enlightened spiritual people). As I said earlier, my ILs fall over themselves catering to my SIL' s every wish when she is here. During the first 2 years of my marriage, I had my SIL actually living with us along with my ILs and you can imagine how much I suffered with the preferential treatment they showered on her. I am sick and tired of my ILs - there are constant fights between my hubby and I regarding their presence (my hubby feels their presence is necessary while I don' t agree). Also my hubby does not love me anymore - he openly says so and always sides with his parents whenever there are any arguments. In fact, he consoles them in front of me saying that I am a bad person and they should put up with me - this is in spite of they actually shouting at me and I responding to them with as much self-control as I can. On several occasions, I have felt like walking out of the marriage but I cannot accept the thought of my child living without her father. Being an independent, working woman, I sometimes feel ashamed that I am putting up with so much abuse. Maybe one of you can help me by sharing your own/similar experience with ILs? MK replied. RoSri: I dont see what the problem is here - after all your MIL is sitting thousands of miles away (I hope!). Listen, you dont get to choose your family - you do get to choose your hubby but in-laws are something that come attached to him. You love your hubby? remember that whatever he is is in large part to the upbringing his parents gave him - so you do have something to be thankful to your MIL about! Its just a minor nuisance - so what if you cant send pics of you wearing western outfits, or have to lie to her about what you cooked - at least shes not sitting on your head dictating every term to you like other MILs do. Learn to ignore her major faults, treat her with kindness and deal lovingly with her - sooner or later she will come to love and support you. In the meantime make sure your position with your hubby is not undermined by your annoyance with your MIL - if theres a battle between you and MIL - hubby is likely to take her side (even if its out of sheer guilt rather than love or reason)- the DIL never wins! Best of Luck cc replied. Hi-

This is a problem all girls are facing now adays. Very rarely I have seen girls being treated well by in-laws.

You know be it a love marriage or arranged marriage...it doesnt matter anymore....also even if we marry within the same caste or other caste still in-laws are ill-treating their DILs.....

You know the best thing is .....you just ignore your MIL and dont let her get to you.....I agree with what Sudha has to say.....this is just the beginning.....as the years go by it will get more .......its better you choose to get smart now only....You know MILs always find faults in the girl and the girls family...and they will keep on saying stuff....(MILs forget that they were also someones daughter before...)

You know till they have energy in their body they will do all this...if one day comes and sickness takes the better of them...then they will come to know what it is to suffer ......\" what goes around comes around\"

Good luck...and be strong...just ignore her....but important...you cook what your hubby likes etc....dont bother what she has to say...your marriage is with your hubby not MIL.... sudha replied. These are typical problems all are fcing ,u have to deliver thick skin.Do not let her have that much importance .She will be like that and since she is not dying soon yu have no option.You change yourself.Keep your husband very close to you.Don' t critisise his parents in front of him.
You are just starting out your married life...WELCOME Aboard ..yOU WILL HAVE MUCH SERIOUS THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT IN THE YEARS TO COME..And Sadly there is no cure!!!