Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

This is my first posting to such a forum. Feeling strange to post it, since I see most posts are from women here. Probably im the only man to post such a thing here..

I' ve been married for 5 years, i wont say it is a happy marriage. My wife has a strange characteristic, she tends to take anything that anyone says to her as negatively. No one can give any advice to her, she has been brought up in a very close family, with her sister and parents being the only ones they are bothered about. She doesnt have any friends at all. All that she discusses is with her mom, my MIL. they chat for 6-8 times a day, sometimes gossiping about what is wrong with others. My aged mother lives with us and my wife *never* got along with her. Every festival in the house is a nightmare and she constantly objects and nags about everything i do. She has a problem in small things like ' why do i water the plants everyday' ? She has a problem with my relatives coming home too.

Last year, my wife delivered our son and returned back from her mom' s place. Within 10 days, she picked up a fight with my mom, shouted at her, bad mouthed her, for some silly reason and she has left home. I have been trying to talk to her and get her back home. She is not interested in meeting me. With great difficulty, i convince her to meet, she is very cold and seems un-interested. She is being constantly mis-guided by her mom, who is always taking revenge for every small thing. I have never seen a woman or any person like that.

I think because of constant negative feeding by my MIL, my wife is completely depressed and cannot think for herself. MIL doesnt want to send her, coz she thinks that her daughter will not be happy. Maybe she thinks we harass her, whereas the truth is that I am always under tension when she is at home. Its been 8 months now and my wife continues to live in her mother' s place. I have met her several times, sent her umpteen emails assuring her my support.

Now, after 8 months of constant trying, I am at a situation of losing my patience and giving up. I saw this forum and wanted to toss this question to you all before I start thinking of legal proceedings..

Any help is greatly appreciated!
SR replied. Bet this is a result to how your mum may have been treating her. And these are your mum thoughts and not your own. Learn to give your wife some respect if you want some in return..i bet you want to have relatives every other day at your house and expect your wife to cook and clean for them like a maid. Jigs replied. Hey Poor Hubby!

Have you discussed what you are saying with your own mother? are these your thoughts or your mother' s ? DON' T MIND, her behaviour is a reaction, to an action that has been done against her.... what I mean to say is, you are right in your place but why not look at things from a completely different perspective! Step up in her shoes... if you really want your marriage to work you will have to help her sort this thing that she has against you and your family in her mind, help her understand your side of the story too.... first accept that there is a problem and then collectively deal with it... without any prejudice gal replied. Hi Poor Hubby,
I was reading through your posts... I accept u are poor hubby. On seeing ur posts I see one thing ur wife is taking u for granted.. The more u fall for her the more she reaches the tree top... So please stop begging her..

Its very wrong that a gal discusses her problems with her mom after marriage... I too go through a lot of probs in my life... My hubby is good but dumb to his mom ... He is not like u... But I still keep crying all the night but never discuss with my mom.. B' cause I know she will misguide me (Its b' cause of the love and affection she has on me and dont want to see me unhappy)and make the situation worse...

The next time when u go there ask her directly but Polietly \" Whether she is interested in living with u or not\" .. I hope her answer will be \" No\" .. In that case her to give 5 valid reasons..
Y she dont want to live without u...
If realy her reasons are correct Try working on it
80% her reasons will not be correct one

Tell her very clearly what will happen if u leave her and go... tell her to think about the childs furture if u leave her and go .... Tell her after that time will comes when she will also b' come a MIL one day...
Ask her to come to ur house if she realy cares for her son...
If her problem is ur MIL then u come out of there and start a independent family ... Mind dont go too far from her ... Take a house that is just 5 min from ur parents house .. U just promise her u will move out of the house but dont tell her u are going to take a house near to ur parents house...

You tell these firmly and polietly ... It dosent mean u need to beg her ... stop begging her ...

Be careful .. I am sure ur wife and ur MIL will hook up with some arguments are some fights in between and spoil the show ... Dont be out of track when u speak the above and get distracted by her MIL plans for fight... U should get a answer from her .... Let u know clearly whats her problem in living with u ... Only then we can work out a solution .... sudha replied. In reading your post it is EXACTLY same to what happeed to me.My husband thinks that I am his worst enemy and my parents are always teaching me what to do in my in-laws house meaning how to talk back and dominate husband and things like that ,now remember my husband got all these worldly information through his dearest mother.
Anything I said would not go through his ears but anything his mom/dad said has to true because ' ' WHY WOULD THEY LIE?' ' His mother after every sentence she speaks will cry to increase the effectn And EFFECT IT HAD NICELY.
Think back what have you done to her ,Were you sympathetic to anything she says,did you patiently hear it? I assume no.Because indian men think they marry to keep their parents happy,whatever their parents say is fine and they forget that that girl is a human too who has left her parents and came to your house.If you will also traat her like she is a thing and how can i listen to her what will my mommy dear think,she needs somebody right and since thje closest person she has will be her parents so she did that what' s wrong with that.
Who is having the hard time ,you and her the most then her parents because in indian soceity people will whisper if a married girl is at her parents house for long.you know that right?
I should know that more than anyone else,My child was born in my parents house,my husband never came to see me if i was dead or living ,if his wife gave birth to a boy ,girl or a cow ,do you know why ?What will his parents say if he comes and sees his wife .And his parents thought let her parents come and beg us to keep their daughter ,why should WE go to see her.
You will not believe it my husband saw his daughter after 2 yrs, by that time me and parents had thought about legal and of course other ways to end this situation.( maybe that' s why he came )(And when my daughter saw him she pointed at him and called him ' ' uncle' ' .Think about the tragedy.
Do you think any self respecting parents will send their daughter back to such a family?

It is good finally you had the sense and you took the step of solving the situation.remember even when she comes back try to win her back ,and actually start on a clean plate.This is going to be very hard.Some things can never be forgotton. Mel replied. First of all, let me apologize for any speculation. Unfortunately, very often people are not very clear on these boards and it' s hard to piece the puzzles together with bits of information.

Thanks for the clarifications on each point. I understand that you are being honest. Are you sure the chacha is not biased for any reason ?

Then, that being the case... will it ever be possible to sort out the issues ? Maybe there can be one option... if you could get into her \" circle of trust\" . It' s the only way I anticipate that things can become better, esp if you want to be a part of your son' s life.

Your mom and her parents won' t be around forever. So, if you can get into her trusted circle of family (just hers, no need to get into MILs pally cirle), then maybe you can change certain behavioural traits over a period of time.

Almost all women, irrespective of nationality, race, religion, slowly over a period of time, CONDITION their husbands. It' s a sort of gradual training that takes place subtly over a period of some years.

My husband used to be very influenced by his mother. But, slowly, very subtly, over a period of some years, I got him to develop a deep trust in me. Eventually, when my MIL used to make stories about me, my husband slowly started to realise that she was lying. I didn' t have to do anything. Instead of putting my MIL down, I showed my hubby my character. So, instead of proving that she is lying or is out to get me, I proved that I am truthful adn reliable. That was it. Now, I don' t have to do anything. My groundwork is established.

I know it' s difficult... but try conditioning your wife. Work with her slowly over a period of time. And slowly increase her faith in you. Get her to let you into her inner circle of trusted relations. Focus your entire energy on developing a healthy relationship with your son. Develop and strengthen your relationship with her. Try ignoring her flaws for a while, and see if you can focus on changing smaller behaviours first, before tackling the bigger ones. Remove MIL from your agenda. Just be civil and polite with her. Don' t speak negatively about her to your wife, and request your wife to be respectful to your mother in return. Tell her that sometimes even mothers can be wrong, but for the sake of your own consciences, that you both should maintain your morals and values.

I hope your situation improves and you get to enjoy the beauty of parenthood. Once again... sorry for speculating. Mel replied. Since you DID post on this board, I presume that you want honest advice, and if that is the case, then you won' t mind me saying that your story sounds pretty one-sided. The thing about most women who post their issues, is that since it is an anonymous forum, they tend to be honest, and put forth all details, so that people who reply can give an honest, unbiased, logical solution. I don' t want to be biased, but a lot of men who post their problems, tend to skim over relevant details and only put forward their side of the story.

I can' t help but wonder WHY YOUR WIFE DEVELOPED THIS STRANGE CHARACTERISTIC OF TAKING ADVICE NEGATIVELY ? Seems to me like she has been given WAYYY TOO MUCH UNSOLICITED advice by you or your \" AGED\" mother because of which she has slowly become hypersensitive to any and all advice.

Now this is what I think... correct me if I' m wrong.

I feel that everything was fine. You and your wife lived with your mother. But, in your presence (or absence), your mum may have been advising or criticizing your wife. Your wife may have brought this to your notice, but you would rather not confront your mother. So, one day, in a fit of emotions, she may have disclosed to her mother about what your mother does.

Now, this is where your problem began. Once her mother got to know that her daughter is not happy, she must have started calling regularly to find out how things are. Now, that your wife had a pair of ears to cry about her problems, she may have been regularly telling her mother about each and every detail of what bothers her in your house. Over a period of time, the two of them have got together and that' s when she got the courage to move out, pick up a fight with your mother, etc. etc.

ALL THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HAD BEEN A BIT MORE SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS YOUR WIFE. Since you chose to be indifferent, she went to her mother. Now, unfortunately for you... her mother loves her... and doesn' t love your mother, so it is natural that she will be angry at your family. However, as a son, if you had listened to your wife' s problems, since you also love your mother, you could have come to a sensible solution.

Your assuring her your support now, is pointless because (I think), she has lost faith in you.

If you want your family back, I think you should stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop blaming yuor MIL. You said your MIL wants to take REVENGE. If you or your mother haven' t done anything wrong, there would be no reason for revenge.

Meet you wife. Stop spewing venom against your MIL. She is supporting her daughter just like you supported your mother.

If you want her to forget everything about you and your mother, you need to wipe the slate clean with her mother. Meet both MIL and wife. Convince them that whatever wrong has happened, you didn' t want to get too involved with it as your mother is alone. But, that you deeply love your wife and need her back. COnsole her and apologize for not understanding her. Speak to her mother with love, and tell her that you are happy that she has supported the most important person in your life. Do this for a few meetings, and slowly she may be convinced and come back. But, be sincere and honest and if she does come back, keep a check on mother dearest. Because if she does come back, and there is a repeat of the events, then she will NEVER come back again.

As for legal proceedings, most courts will vote in favour of the mother. At the most, you may get supervised visiting with your son. But, it is unlikely that such a young child would be taken away from the mother. And if she counter-sues you for harassment, then you' re in a deeper soup.