Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I am really glad to see this forum, atleast we have site to pour our hearts, share our experiences. I dont know where and how to begin. I have been living in US for the past 6 yrs and have been married for the past 1.5 years. I just had a baby 2 months back. I knew my husband from Inian, before marriage, and even met my IL before but I could never judge anyone after knowing them for almost 5 years. My IL always come here and stay for 6 months since their daughter also lives here. Last year march 08 they came to stay w/ us after our wedding. And after a month or so I conceived. I was taking their lot of care and not letting them do anything, just like how I wopuld have done for my parents. They are from south and I am from North so I was making all north indian food sinc ethey love food. I used to work almost 18-20 hrs in forst trimester but never complained. ALl of a sudden they started behaving weird and after few months , one day they picked a fight w/ my husband on something and then they started blaming me that i am the reason for everything. If my husband eat any leftover my MIL gets angry and tell him not to eat and let Meenal eat. i was so terribly shocked. They left to my SIL house after the fight, since we stay in the same city where my SIL lives. Then my FIL started sending nasty mails with abusive language, proving me characterless, bad, all slangs. I never saw such mails and such fights. My MIL started calling me and giving me threatening calls during my preganacy. They said that since I got pregnant they cant travel and have fun and they have to be within the city. My SIL was taking them on cruise and beaches etc but since I was not doing well I couldnt travel. But I was still taking care of them within the city. Every thing turned so bad, I never said a single word bad to them. But they called my parents and shouted and told that your daughter us misbehaving etc. My husband knew that I didnt do anything wrong but he is so afraid of them that he just cant talk to them straight, my FIL when went back to india after 6 months, he took out all the money from the shared account without our knowledge. I cant write what all they did and still doing...now they want to come back and be with their son and grandson. they asked my husband to leave me for good. MY MIL cursed my unborn baby while talking to my mother. I felt so bad and i cried almost all my pregnancy, I never wish anyone should have such pregancy ever. They spoiled all the harmony between me and my husband. whenever they call from india saying that they want to come here and tell bad things about me , my husbad gets affected and he fights/argue with me and wont behave nicely. I am relaly having very tough time, I have a small baby to take care. I have no help here from home. My mom had knee surgery so she couldnt travel. I really dont wish to se ethem but they will be here anytime soon. Pls help me out, what should i do, what should i tell my husband so that he understands me. So far i tried all possible ways to explain him but he is running away from the fact. He says that they have said out of anger. But anger cant be so bad. My MIL even hurt me once by hitting me with her leg when we were having dinner and i was 4 months pregnant. I noticed that they lie so much, my family is also so much affected by this incidence. My father was so afraid when i requested him to get me married with someone from a different community. SInce I was youngest in the family, he agreed. Now I feel sad that I put through my parents under so much pressure for this marriage and now I am not happy with it. I really love my husband but he is not as much attahced as I am. He is completely affected by them and he doesnt behave nicely after he talks to them. I am a calm natured person and I cant really fight, i just becoem sad and I cry alone. It is affecting my health a lot. Pls advise. My husband says that his parents want to stay with him rest of his life. But they hate me and now I also dont like them since they cursed my unborn baby saying that \" he should die unborn\" . They want lot of money almost 50k everymonth. We are sending it since last one year.
I would really appreciate some guidance as how to tackle this situation,. Thanks in advance for all the help. rohi replied. Fact: You CANT cahnge anyone here....you CAN change yourself.Be strong,keep yourself happy as no one else is trying.I assure your baby will keep you a happy mom...always and always.
Its no use discussing how bad your inlaws are and how coward your half is. Make your life better think of ides to make you happy.

I learnt: If you live for people who dont care...its waste of life.Dont waste your life.One day when you are about to die you are going to repent.
Take care buddy! henna replied. How are u feeling now Meenal? I feel you and MEL' s story. I sometimes wonder are women cursed creatures.

You know so many love marriages are failing that i wonder what love is and why we get into that. I know even arranged marriages are failing, anyway just drop a line about you these days. How is your son doing?

Women have innate desire to have men in their life and they always have this strong desire to have just one man. This desire actually is our weakness and men utilise it most.
Men are cowards and most of them treat wives as commodities.
henna replied. How are u feeling now Meenal? I feel you and MEL' s story. I sometimes wonder are women cursed creatures.

You know so many love marriages are failing that i wonder what love is and why we get into that. I know even arranged marriages are failing, anyway just drop a line about you these days. How is your son doing?

Women have innate desire to have men in their life and they always have this strong desire to have just one man. This desire actually is our weakness and men utilise it most.
Men are cowards and most of them treat wives as commodities.
jaya replied. This will keep happening till the time we act like victims, defensive - and be shocked at how they still treat us. They don' t see that as decent - they see that as weakness. After continuous mistreatment - they make us weak for real. Get up, take charge, stop taking non-sense. Answer back, let neighbors know, call 911 - whatever it takes - get them out of their cozy world. Otherwise - keep thinking - how can be someone so cruel, unfair, bad. Honey - they are - and they do it because they know they can get away with it. Slam the door and they' ll know their place. Tell your husband you are walking out of this marriage - and walk out - he will come back. Nobody in their right mind waants a divorce - it is never a sheild for a man - so grow a spne - or keep thinking yuorself as a victim. And o btw - get a job - tha makes these in laws and husbands come to teir senses real fast sudha replied. Use what your mil said about your unborn child with your husband. He is the father I' m 200% SURE AFTER HEARING THIS ABOUT HIS CHILD HE WILL GET INFLUENCED.I don' t think doing our duty is going to help turn the tide against us.We have to be sntching every oppurtunity to create issues very calmly.Each ones know their husbnds thoroughly so u all know what works and what does not!!No quick fix
I would say do not suffer silently.But having said that I know how painful it can be.No one knows this greater than me.My in laws are way up in this if I combine most of your in laws together.
I am in US now ,son knows totally if they come here he will have to take leave and stay at home solving problems!!I have told him let them come I will see how many times u will explain to the cops about the situation which will arise.I will most definitely call 9-1-1.So that problem is .....But there are days when I feel very depressed .that' s life .. Mel replied. I' m sorry to read about your situation. I' m pretty sure that your ILs will NEVER change. And I' m also certain that your husband will not give up trying to patch things between you and them. It' s really not his fault. And it' s sad that you have to go through this for the sake of keeping your family together.

Let me tell you why I am so cynical. Let me start off by saying that maybe my story is not so bad as yours. But, it was pretty bad. Hubby is an only child. We also had a love marriage. We are both from different religions. So, had a torrid time trying to convince in-laws. My MIL did everything to try and get me out of her son' s life. She used to insult me, family, religion, everything. I was traumatised for 8 years. When she realised that her son was not changing his mind, then all the parents agreed to get us married.

After marriage, she asked us to live with them. Both my ILs gave us 9 months of torrid time. She interfered in EVERYTHING. Then one day she had a fight with hubby and kicked us both out. We moved to another flat. We were so hurt. Then after a few months, she came back acting really sweet, begging us to come back. She refused to admit that they kicked us out. Kept saying that we walked out. (Weirdo).

Like fools we believed them and moved back. Thinking that they would change. Then after a while, I was pregnant. Yet, they never treated me properly. She would scream and fight with us over trivial issues. Then one day when I was 8 months pregnant, both MIL and FIL abused both hubby and me, cursed us both, and kicked us out again.

THis time I was so angry, I told my husband that since this is happening repeatedly, I will not let them be a part of my or my son' s life anymore. They didn' t speak for 2 months, then as usual, she called my hubby and was crying on the phone. Again she said, that they never kicked us out. But, that they wanted to be a part of our life again.

Hubby and I had SO MANY REALLY BAD FIGHTS OVER THIS. He, as a son, just wanted everything to be normal with his parents. But, I couldn' t take it anymore. Both of them used so many bad words against me when I was pregnant. I managed my whole pregnancy by myself, went to the doc by rickshaw until my delivery. (Parents are abroad, and mum could only come for 15 days before my delivery, since my dad had a major operation and has difficulty walking.) For the first 6 months of my son' s life, I did everything alone. But, everytime, my hubby would fight... leave everything, forget the past, start a new leaf.

Eventually, I agreed for the sake of my marriage and my husbands peace of mind.

For about 2 months everything was rosy. My hubby was very sweet to me, and very happy that I relented. ILs used to act very sweet. But, slowly everything has gone back to square one. We don' t live with them, but we live closeby. Even now, she dominates and tries to control everything. And if I disagree, my hubby sometimes gets angry. I try to explain to him that I never wanted to see their faces, yet, I forgave and now also you want me to just bend over backwards for them ? But, I guess guys just can' t control it. They give first priority to their parents always. And their gratitude for what we do is temporary.

I guess what I' m trying to say is that eventually you will relent, since if you don' t the husband wife relationship really gets strained. But, if they come and stay with you, there will be a repeat of whatever happened.

The only thing you can do is establish some guidelines, and ask your hubby to promise that he will adhere to it.

It could be any simple things, like I' ve asked my hubby to not listen to anything behind my back, so if MIL says anything behind me, he repeats it in front of both of us. So, this embarasses my MIL, and she tries to justify. When she does this, it proves to him that she was lying.

Another thing is if she talks to me rudely or dominates, then I make some excuse and leave from her presence. If she forces me to do something or go somewhere, my hubby makes and excuse FOR me. If I make an excuse, then they will say that she doesn' t want to come, but if hubby says, \" I have urgent work that she has to do\" ILs can' t say anything.

To date, I hate it when she tries to play with my son. I had to pack the entire house, climb up, carry heavy boxes during my 8th month. She didn' t even feel an iota of guilt ? Or worry for her first grandchild ? I have seen women with such caring MILs, but in my fate, I have got an evil, heartless, manipulative woman, who only cares about herself. I don' t know what crime I must have committed in my past life to have had the misfortune of being around her.

I feel really bad for you, and I wish there was some magic formula by which we could all be ok.