Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi, mine is a very different situation. My MIL is very good and we share a good relationship, but wen it comes to my kid, i feel very bad about my MIL. I am working and so my kid is taken care by my MIL, and I reach home only by 8pm, after which i would love to spend time with my kid. But my MIL does not let me do so, I take my kid to my room and she follows us there and takes him away from me. This attitude of hers has made me hate her. She does not let me have my kid on weekends also, she wants to have him the whole time. I love my kid very much and to save for his future I am working. I would love to leave my job and stay with him, which I cant, as I need to think abt his future and give him a good life. I am frightend that he might not get attached to me at all. Please advise me on what can be done. henna replied. are u still facing this problem?

you know SM we are very selfish, we want Mom in laws to take care of kids but not get attached to them. I find it very selfish. I was staying with my Mom' s Mom for 2 years and my mom visited me just twice due to certain issues, can you believe that? I grew too attached to my maternal grandparents and frankly when I was brought home after 2 years I felt every one as stranger, I longed my meetings with maternal grandma and pa. It took me few years to completely love and trust my parents. But even today when they say love I feel I have worldly love for my parents and some spritual love for my grandparents. Anyway what I want to say is attachment is desire to get something. and for getting something you need to give also. If you have just 2 hrs on hand and your Mom in law is anyway not cooperating then make 2 hrs equal to 5 hrs. dont put your kid in daycare to shift mom in laws focus, that would be great injustice for her love. you can put him later after 6 months when you have spent 4-5 hrs everyday with him. some Mother in laws are too good, like my friend' s, she is out of home from 9am to 7.pm, and after 7pm till morning 9am she has her child with her. In this time period her Mom in law doesnt help her anyway, neither in kitchen nor baby because she is also tired whole day. but then my friend has no complaints and is Ga ga over her MIL. Cant you guys make some arrangement like this? Namrata replied. Hi, reading your message...i have tears in my eyes cause I am in the sameboat as you. I gave birth to a girl four months back and my MIL is also so very possive abt my kid. The day she was born my MIL never made me sleep with my daughter. For the first few days my milk was not enough so there she got the chance and fed the baby on Nan1 and hence onwards she found this reason very suitable to keep the baby away from me. By God grace after a month I went to my parents home which was a big relief. But since I have to join office and I live in a different city, my MIL has came over to take care of the child. She hates me going late to the office and comming early home. I try to go during lunch hour to feed my baby but she is so jealous, I can sense that. Though my husband supports me to a extent, I feel If I keep telling him abt her absurd behaviour he will think I always complain of her. I am also very much tensed and depressed as to what to do. On th top she evern tries to feed the baby, pacify her. I just hate this but I cannot do anything. I told my husband but since he has not sen her doing, he cannot say anything to her. She always makes me do something or the other to be just away from the baby. Please guide me what shall I do...a depressed mom Mel replied. Kids bond in two ways. They bond with the person they sleep with, and they also bond with the person who spends the maximum time with them.

Since my husband goes to work and comes home in the night, my kid is still very attached to him, but because I am around him most of the day, when he is really upset or cranky or whiny, he just wants me, not his dad, not anyone else.

Now, mother-child relationship is there, I agree, but I also think that over a period of time, he will be very attached to your MIL because of her day-long companionship. That is not a problem. If it was just that, then you had no worries. Since, he would still be attached to you... while also being attached to her.

I hate to say this to you... but I foresee a bigger problem in the future. Unfortunately, for some reason... (could be she is old and tired... and finds it difficult to take care of your son, and so psychologically, she feels that since she is doing it, it is IMPERATIVE that he be absolutely devoted to her. She doesn' t think about your mother-child relationship, but thinks that... since I' m taking care of him day in and day out, WHY should he love his mother more, just because she gave birth to him. She is getting possessive about him. As if she has earned his time and attention.

Since you mentioned that she has been saying things like ' he doesn' t need or miss you' ... I think she is creating her ideal situation. i.e. SHE WANTS THAT TO BE THE CASE. She wants him to be solely dependent and attached to her and her alone. That is where I foresee a problem. As he grows older, she may try to influence him more and more, very subtly, but since he is young, he will find it hard to logically reason what is manipulative, and what isn' t.

I know the situation is tough. But, if you raise the issue roughly, then she will throw a sentimental drama, saying that she has been taking care of him... and this and that...

I always knew that my MIL would do this. That' s why I don' t leave him alone with her for even an hour. I take him with me... and bring him back with me. I have my own company, and I should go to the office to supervise my employees, (who take salaries and while away so much time since no one is there to check on them) but if I do that, it would mean leaving him with her for some part of the day. And I cannot afford to do that.

I know it' s not so easy to do that when you are in a job, but can you think of other options ? Like a part time job ? Or working from home ?

My advice... the situation will only improve if you can spend a little more time with him. It could be half day or even a nice exclusive weekend (every weekend) so that you both have time to bond. And encourage him to talk to you so that he can tell you if she talks to him or tries to influence him. How old is your son ? geetha replied. What your MIL says to you don' t even bother about that but instead see what your son does when you are back from the work. does he come running to you, cuddle you if yes you got the answer yourself and if no then from todays onwards when you reach home, go on your keens with arms spread and ask him to give mum a hug. take a small gift or chocolate whatever he likes. at weekends try to take him out may be to Zoo or rail museum , park for a day long picnic with hubby. going to mum place or quitting will not solve your problem if you stay home things will get worse then improve as she will be there 24/7. If stil nothing improves then once home pick up your kid and shut your door may be lock it from inside and spend some time with him.take into account that 8 o' clock when you return i am sure you also must be very tried after a long day then as you said so 2 hours or less what you are getting is blessed. think like this also. geetha replied. No matter how much your MIL love his Grandchild and no matter how much she take care of him end of the day HE IS YOURS and trust me he will always come back to you. He knows yu are his mum and he is your part. As you said you share good relationship with your MIL so why dont you tell her that from nowonwards every evening when you come home you are going to have mum and son time so that she also get some time for herself. if she still take your shild away then go and sit where she is setting with child and start playing maybe if not in a week then in 2 weeks she will get the message. but with this you have to be carefull as its cos of her that you can go out to earn money for your sons future.this is hard n tricky situation. you have to be very carefull so that her feeling are not hurt. O yes have u discuss this with your husband wot does he says and does your son sleeps with you or your MIL.