Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi all,
I have been reading this space for quite some time and today writing here with my story...I have seen both sides of a marriage in 5 yrs...Initially dissatisfied when as all of them say, Husband was concentrating only on his parents and siblings...spending on them for their vacations and stuff...this went on for 4 full years even during my pregnancy. Thanks to my parents for being supportive ofcourse unaware of what I was going through. Later once my baby was born, Both I and my husband could see that he was not the preferred child and started getting close to me & our child...This is when my marriage turned to be good & we enjoyed eachother' s company and were lost in eachother' s world and enjoying seeing our child grow...this went on for a year. His parents clearly saw his attention drifting from them to me & my baby and one fine day, He was emotionally blackmailed...or there was lot of crying and complaining from his mother abt we not treating them fine and blah blah balh...and emotionally blackmailing him by saying as they depend on us for every penny we are treating them like this and so on and so forth( I exactly don' t know what all was told) and loads of trivial things(complaits) about me. Things changed soon after, Husband is back to what he was, Totally ignoreing me and my child. He all there for them at their beck and call even during week days if they say they want to go some where he will take them there, go to work late and come back past 12 in the night...that leaves no time with my child and me...One quote from my MIL that made me laugh was \" please don' t fight because of this can' t see you and your wife fight...she also told him to promise her saying, he won' t tell what ever she told him to me. This has made her even more great in his eyes...can' t he see she would have never complained about me if she didn' t want us to fight?he seems so dumb when it comes to his parents. I am just wondering how long will this go on for? I know they are acting very caring towards him now and things will change if his other siblings are here...I can' t live life like this...I am sticking on just for my child' s sake...MIL is a very dominating kind...who feels very possesive about both her things and mine and expects me to stay out of everything at home including small day to day things that I do for husband also( including oiling his hair). I wonder what she wants? Has anyone come across this kind of situation? I really want peace at home and everyone happy?
sm replied. Hi All,
First of All, let me introduce myself. I have been married from last 3 yrs and have 2 yr old son. I am working in a MNC.
My In-laws are very nice, very co-operative , educated, financially ok , really nice people. FIL is retired, They both stay at home and take care of my child.
Now the problem is, as they stay everytime at home , they are in habit of doing chik-chik at every point. My MIL- she is ir-resistable in talking.
When a guest praise me that how much khatir i' ve done for them... she says \" mai to tujhe isiliye khana banae deti hun ki teri insult na ho\"
Says to my child... \" teri mamma to bas mai hi hun... i can' t describe her body lang and tone here when she speaks like this. \" .TO my FIL and Huby, it doesn' t sound ord, but it sounds ord to me.
When my parents came for a week here as my in-laws had to go somewhere, she came back and said\" he has become very different\" we shd not give our child to somebody else... see how he is reacting... while there was not any special difference in hisr doings.
She always speak opposite to urs at every topic at another point of time contradicts to her statement as says\" maine aisa kab kaha\" ... she is really immpossible to understand. speaks words that will hurt others.. can' t describe everything here....
she is very dominationg. Now its the time when i want to make my home, want to put everything in place , not to put frigde to be occupied unneccerily and many more issues.
One day she cried... ' ye apni maa behno se hamari burai karti hai.. unke paas ja ja kar roti hai... ye hamein rakhna hi nahi chahti...bala bala bala... ' I said sorry to her if i am wrong somewhere but i told that u r parents n children always like to be with parents .. n bla bla bla... but now she is forcing that she will leave now... my husband says, before its going to non-talking relations for lifetime, its better to depart.
Now my baby is so small and my timings are 8-6, not sure whether to put him in a daycare or cretche or ask them to stay with us only. have heard that children gets infection in daycare and become insecured... Not really getting what to do.. if u have faced similar problems , please share it with me and give me sol. SS replied. You know Ana.....

its your decision totally to open a bank account...

if i was you...i would open it...

see if you can open it jointly with any of your parent...(as your kid is young ...make your kid the nominee though)

or see put your money is some monthly post office savings (i am not sure exactly what it is called...you might have to check it out at the local post office in india)...they have so many types and kinds of savings

you know that way if you dont want to keep in the bank...you put in postal savings....

also dont keep the recipt of the postal savings with you....keep with your parents or something....(that is totally upto you)
Also very imp - dont ever loose the postal receipt...they wont encash it without receipt...so make a copy of it also...

hope this helps....

and you know there is nothing cheap about arguing about money......we need money to survive....no one will come and give one rupee also if we need it...... Mel replied. What you' re talking about was in the old days... when MILs were simpler, they just wanted to relax and torment their DILs with tons of housework. Now, it' s different. It' s passive aggressive. Just like my MIL.

We don' t live with them anymmore, but when we did, I experienced this. It' s as if she keeps control over her kitchen. It' s a control thing.

Even if I was to make ONE THING... she would constantly hover around me... and try to intervene, laugh smirkishly when I would add some ingredient as if I didn' t know what I was doing.

Another proof of this is the fact that she telles your husband... Don' t tell your wife about this... She does this purposely to influence his mind.

My MIL is the same. She will call me after 2 weeks of gap, and if I don' t answer the phone, she will immediately call my husband and say, \" I was stuck in a traffic jam, and did not have my purse, and it was an emergency, so please ask your wife to atleast pick up the phone once in a while... otherwise on other days it is ok... I don' t mind... And please don' t shout at her for this.\"

My situation is somewhat similar to yours. My son is an ONLY child, yet they treat him as if he is just a means to getting all their wants and needs satisfied. When they treat him badly, he gets so hurt and I feel so bad. And then the next minute they are sweet to him, and he cannot control being normal with them too. After all they are his parents.

That' s the problem for all of us. Our husbands are genuinely good. And their parents take advantage of that. Confused replied. I agree with what you guys have to say. But, One more thing that surprises me is, MIL will never let me cook or do any other work? No matter what, She has to cook..Why is this behaviour? I have always Heard of MIL torturing DIls by giving them more work...Is there any alterior mtive in this? Is there anyone facing similar problems?Thanks fo rthe replies tanya replied. great advice by S.S. I think u need to get a lawyer to figure out where u stand in terms of money, home, insuranse etc. U cannot trust these people at all. If something happens to your husband, inlaws will never help u. so u got to protect yourself and your child. do u work? maybe get a job...will build your confidence. S.S. replied. Hi,

Been this road...married for 7 years nows.....(no kids as yet as we are unexplained infertility)

- Remember that if your husband is the emotional one in his family then his parents will know their way around him to emotionally blackmail him

- If you can you must move to a place of your own or rent a place of your own

- Staying in one house is impossible...as MIL' s want to dominate and always make the DIL' s like doormats

- My MIL has never accepted me since day one I met my husband.....I come from a very good family (middle class)...My parents have bought me up very well...but MIL always has to find faults with everything.....

- I dont talk to her anymore...I have asked my husband to keep his relationship with his mother (meaning he can be the son he wants to be to his mother....) because tomorrow remember if you say something then your husband too will not think twice before blaming you.....everyone will start blaming the DIL

- if you have supportive parents then start taking their advise also speak to a lawyer on a quite basis....go meet the lawyer with your parents...(i said lawyer not for any divorce purpose.....i said lawyer because he will be able to explain the legal way out)

- if your husband has any assets like LIC, flat etc..make sure you are the nominee or your child is the nominee....

- remember that husbands dont want to put their wives name easily....

- if he tells you oh if anything happens to me...make sure you will give half of my money to my parents (say yes yes and keep quite) when the time comes you can decide....(I am telling you this from my personal experiecen....so now i always say yes....dont think that I dont want to help my MIL...then thing is...she has not even given me or my parents the respect they deserve....when the time comes...i will decide what to do then...so till then you must say yes yes yes...)

- also start secretly collecting money for yourself and your child whenever you get loose cash...keep a couple of notes aside.....keep the money you save with your parents.....(as he will continue spending for his family...)

- Also make sure your parents know what you are going thru....Dont make the mistake of hiding things from your parents...Your parents are your greatest strength......(Dont tell your husband what you do/discuss with your parents.....if your parents give you anythign ...keep it at their place only...never know when the day comes when you will need it)

Good luck.