Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Really dont know where to begin,, cutting long story short .. I have been married since last 5 yrs and have a 6 months old son ours was a love marraige, Residing in the US. first 2 yrs of my marriage I lived with my inlaws... during that time thing didnt work out between me and them. there were frequent fights and arguments over the household chores. which according to my Il' s were not of their standards.. One of the argument also lead to an extent that my IL told me to go back to my parents house and I thought that was the end of it.. i informed (unpleseant)after that there were always issues and problems between me and them.. I do have a good support of my DH and he is a great father.... during my pregnancy.. it was agreed by my IL' s that my parents will come to staty with me after the delivery and my mil was very happy to be with us for my delivery ..(we dont live in the same city)so.. she was here for the 3 months and we again landed up having fights over pettie things like seeing a doctor when baby had a little rash.. my MIL wud get angry saying that she had lot of experience handling kids and there was no need for the doctor... after that i was being cheated by them because once the delivery period was over and my parents obtained thier visa, my IL' s refused to us on having my parents over to our place saying that it was not in the culture to do such a big expense for girls parents and the only reason they said yes to itinitially was because i was pregnant and didn' t want to cause any tension for baby' s health and mine.
I feel terrrible ..I am a well educated person, earned good amt of money till my baby was born and this is what i get.. my inlaws are not dependent on us financially but they are extremely dominating.. the dont want to keep any relationship with my parents but inturn always blames my parents saying to me that my parents are only once that should make the effort of maintaining the relationship.. they keep on fighting with me over things like parent ke yahan se kuch lena dena hota nahi hai and stuff like that.. i am really feeling sick abt the whole issue... the only thing that my MIL wants is control over things like what should be given as a gifts to my sisters etc.. ..

I dont know what to do.. have no idea what can be done .. due to the way i have been deceived by them i have lost all respect i had.. and i am not sure if i can continue my relationship with them.. on other hand my husband understands my weaknesses and his parents faults but always tries to make an attempt to keep everyone together. My IL' s feels that he tries to defend me.. He cannot and i can never ask him to break his relationship.. he tells me that i am the only one who can improve the relationship.(i dont understand how) when i ask him that how much can i tolerate and this is the end of it.. his reply is that u have set a limit for yourself and only u can change.. he also believes that my parents have not maintained this relationship to an extent that is suppose to be in the culture. (except for making calls for inviting his parents at my sisters wedding and attending other functions from his side)... feels miserable !! please advice Mel replied. How can they expect love and affection from the DIL, when they themselves don' t show any love and affection. Our ILs behave as if we are some inanimate machines that should just follow instructions. And then they want a display of love and affection ?

I just have one question...

WHAT IS THERE TO LOVE ? What qualities, character, nature do they have that warrants loving ? Meenal replied. I am really glad to see this forum, atleast we have site to pour our hearts, share our experiences. I dont know where and how to begin. I have been living in US for the past 6 yrs and have been married for the past 1.5 years. I just had a baby 2 months back. I knew my husband from Inian, before marriage, and even met my IL before but I could never judge anyone after knowing them for almost 5 years. My IL always come here and stay for 6 months since their daughter also lives here. Last year march 08 they came to stay w/ us after our wedding. And after a month or so I conceived. I was taking their lot of care and not letting them do anything, just like how I wopuld have done for my parents. They are from south and I am from North so I was making all north indian food sinc ethey love food. I used to work almost 18-20 hrs in forst trimester but never complained. ALl of a sudden they started behaving weird and after few months , one day they picked a fight w/ my husband on something and then they started blaming me that i am the reason for everything. If my husband eat any leftover my MIL gets angry and tell him not to eat and let Meenal eat. i was so terribly shocked. They left to my SIL house after the fight, since we stay in the same city where my SIL lives. Then my FIL started sending nasty mails with abusive language, proving me characterless, bad, all slangs. I never saw such mails and such fights. My MIL started calling me and giving me threatening calls during my preganacy. They said that since I got pregnant they cant travel and have fun and they have to be within the city. My SIL was taking them on cruise and beaches etc but since I was not doing well I couldnt travel. But I was still taking care of them within the city. Every thing turned so bad, I never said a single word bad to them. But they called my parents and shouted and told that your daughter us misbehaving etc. My husband knew that I didnt do anything wrong but he is so afraid of them that he just cant talk to them straight, my FIL when went back to india after 6 months, he took out all the money from the shared account without our knowledge. I cant write what all they did and still doing...now they want to come back and be with their son and grandson. they asked my husband to leave me for good. MY MIL cursed my unborn baby while talking to my mother. I felt so bad and i cried almost all my pregnancy, I never wish anyone should have such pregancy ever. They spoiled all the harmony between me and my husband. whenever they call from india saying that they want to come here and tell bad things about me , my husbad gets affected and he fights/argue with me and wont behave nicely. I am relaly having very tough time, I have a small baby to take care. I have no help here from home. My mom had knee surgery so she couldnt travel. I really dont wish to se ethem but they will be here anytime soon. Pls help me out, what should i do, what should i tell my husband so that he understands me. So far i tried all possible ways to explain him but he is running away from the fact. He says that they have said out of anger. But anger cant be so bad. My MIL even hurt me once by hitting me with her leg when we were having dinner and i was 4 months pregnant. I noticed that they lie so much, my family is also so much affected by this incidence. My father was so afraid when i requested him to get me married with someone from a different community. SInce I was youngest in the family, he agreed. Now I feel sad that I put through my parents under so much pressure for this marriage and now I am not happy with it. I really love my husband but he is not as much attahced as I am. He is completely affected by them and he doesnt behave nicely after he talks to them. I am a calm natured person and I cant really fight, i just becoem sad and I cry alone. It is affecting my health a lot. Pls advise. My husband says that his parents want to stay with him rest of his life. But they hate me and now I also dont like them since they cursed my unborn baby saying that \" he should die unborn\" . They want lot of money almost 50k everymonth. We are sending it since last one year.
I would really appreciate some guidance as how to tackle this situation,. Thanks in advance for all the help. Mel replied. Sometimes I feel that life would be so much more peaceful if we didn' t have to worry about our parents.

I' m in the same situation as you. My hubby knows that his parents continually make mistakes after mistakes. Sometimes he tells them off, but he always tells me one thing...

that as a son and for the sake of his conscience he wants to do the right thing when it comes to being dutiful and respectful to his parents. He says that let them make as many mistakes as they want, but I want our conscience to be clear.

I feel so helpless and frustrated sometimes, but what to do. One day my MIL will speak kindly to me, the next day for no reason at all, she will pass 5 sarcastic comments, one day she will have an angry outburst & do everything from abuse to yell to curse. And yet, I have to bear up with her face.

Even my ILs are very interfering. They will not fulfil their duty as a ' ladkewaale' but they will jhado all gyan in terms of what the ' ladkiwaale should do and shouldn' t do. Hypocrites.

What can we do Preeti ? The problem is that we love our husbands and our husbands don' t want to do anything wrong. So, we are compelled to bear up with some level of nuisance for their sakes.

But, remember one thing Preeti. Atleast our husbands stand up for us, atleast they sympathise with us, and try and see things from our perspective. So, in return, I think it' s our duty to atleast be respectful to their parents. That' s whay I think. I avoid spending too much time with them. But, when we spend time, I try to be civil, so that my husband feels proud of me. There are so many women whose in-laws do the same things, and their husbands side their parents... that can be much much worse.

Let' s just try and focus on the silver lining. I know it' s dismal, but try it for the sake of your husband and your little child. Another thing I' ve learned is to just ignore them. I just make some bahana and walk away when she acts mad. That way I don' t have to listen to her nonsense... Or if she is insistent about doing this or doing that, I very politely tell her that we have decided this... for this and this reason.

If she interferes too much in deciding gifts for your sisters, then don' t take her along, or don' t involve her in the discussion. If my MIL gives her UNSOLICITED advice, I just play dumb. I sit quietly and continue doing whatever I' m doing as if she is talking to the walls. Then I nod once or twice in between. Over a period of 6-7 months, she has reduced her advice.

There should be a community for mentally harassed DILs. S M replied. I think your husband should understand what you are going thru and should support you when such arguments come up. He should not ask u to keep adjusting. Even u have parents like him, and when he cannot leave his parents, even u shld not be askd to leave ur parents. Explain to him, that he should not be partial to his parents, and let them treat u like this. Ask him if u shld tolerate all this jus bcos u loved him. Tell him that u expected to be happy after marriage, but u r actually suffering. When his parents are bad, u need to emotionally handle him, so he can understand ur problems. Take care of your kid and ur parents, dont listen to anyone, dont ask in-laws permission for havng ur parents in ur house. You are the one to decide your life, dont keep bending your head to them for everything they or ur hubby says. Make ur hubby understand.