Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi all
I have been married for 3 years.I had a baby boy 3 months back. I have always had some or the other issues with my m-i-l.Now its the baby...as hes just 3 months old...i havent yet started with outside feed for him...but my m-i-l keeps giving him rice, chapati,outside milk, banana, biscuit...I have asked her not to do son a lot of times but she doesnt bother.I have told my husband about this. but she doesnt even listen to him....instead she shouts at me...y do u have to tell ur husband about this? she doesnt let me cook food as per my choice...she says if u want to enter kitchen ..do as i say..otherwise dont enter...n if i dont enter....she makes a fuss of it...she dominates me....i cant wear clothes as per my choice...taunting to me with regards to my parents..my husband doesnt say anything about these...so i feel useless speaking to my husband about these...On the other hand... My husband has been having constant probs with my f-i-l...so we decided to move out...but my in-laws couldn' t take it....and they started with all kind of emotional blackmailing to my husband...and finally he also gave up the idea of moving out...m-i-lkeeps suggesting to move out to her daughter (s-i-l shes also married)i dont know wat to do ...please suggest I m in a big mess
Mel replied. There is a saying that your husband should know: ' Growing older is mandatory, getting wiser is optional' . Or to put it simply, not all old people are wise. There is no rule that an older person is always right. She took care of kids more than 2-3 decades ago. Her knowledge is kinda rusty.

My MIL is a gynaecologist. Yet, when we took our son home from the hospital, she didn' t even know that she was supposed to support his head when carrying him ????

First of all, tell your husband, that the baby MAY NOT get used to whatever things are happenning to him. He may have severe developmental delays later in life. And that HE and HIS MOTHER will be responsible for that.

Also, tell him that in the past, parents did things like: rubbing honey on an infants gums (it can lead to a severe condition called botulism), or putting kajal in the eyes (lead poisoning), or giving cow' s milk to an infant (damage to the kidneys). So, old remedies are NOT THE BEST remedies.

Unfortunately, I KNOW what situation you are in. No matter what you say, they will find some stupid reason to squash your suggestions.

Why don' t you work from home, and take a salary or a share of profits and put the money in an account for you and your child. Atleast do that.

I don' t know what else to advise you. Initially when my husband used to side my in-laws, I used to feel so helpless and frustrated. But, my husband knows one thing, if things go out of hand, and if the health of my son is compromised, I WILL WALK AWAY. I don' t care. I am as educated as him. My parents are very supportive. I can get a job and my folks can manage my son. So, that perception of threat ensures that my ILs don' t go too far.

I don' t even allow my son to go to my inlaws place with my husband. He can only go when I' m there. This is because I HONESTLY don' t trust their AGE-OLD CRAPPY wisdom. My MIL once opened the balcony window, made my 19 month old son sit on the ledge, and held him with one hand, and was showing him things downstairs with the other hand. She gave him the bathroom kharatta as a bat to play with. And she tried to feed him with a fork when he was just over a year old. That was it! There is NO way I can trust his safety with them. Mel replied. Your baby should not be having ANYTHING besides BM until he is atleast 4-5 months old. Be firm with your MIL. If you give him solids this early, it can lead to sever problems later on. In her INSANE desire to do what she wants, your MIL will cause damage to your child. Google for ' early introduction to solids' and you will see what all problems can be created by offering such a young baby solids.

My suggestion would be ' Move out' . We lived with my inlaws for 9 months after marriage and they really bossed around every aspect of our lives.

Honestly, there is no solution to it unless SHE is willing to change. So, try being firm with her. Tell her that IF SHE LOVES HER GRANDCHILD AND CARES ABOUT HIM, THEN SHE WILL NOT FEED HIM ANYTHING. ONCE HE TURNS 5 MONTHS OLD, SHE CAN GIVE HIM SOLIDS, BUT NO OUTSIDE MILK, UNTIL THE DOCTOR SAYS SO. About the kitchen, DON' T walk in to the kitchen till the time she bosses around. Try and establish a routine with her where she can prepare one or two meals by herself, and you can prepare one or two meals by yourself. When she uses the kitchen, you stay out, and when you use it, let her stay out - ask her to play with the baby.

About the clothes, how does she NOT let you ? Just wear what you want. Let her keep lamenting. And if she taunts your parents, tell her directly, that you DO NOT APPRECIATE her taunting your parents. Just like your parents don' t say anything about her, it would be better if she does not say anything about them.

WHY DON' T MIL' S UNDERSTAND THAT BY TRAUMATISING THEIR DIL' S, THEY ARE HURTING THEIR SONS EVEN MORE. The more games they play, and more cunning things they do, in the end it hurts and embarrasses their own sons. Sons have so much regard to their mothers. And then, they do things like this, and they lower their own value in their son' s eyes.