Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi all, i have written before on this board about my family situation. its going to be 2 years in june for my marriage(actually love marriage... which i dont think it has remained) and i have 10 month old baby. so it was really unexpecting for me to get pregnent just after marriage. i have done all my part of crying, cursing and trying to do suicide(which i know should not have been done) as my MIL made everyone believe at home that my pregnency does not need any attention and i was doing all the drama for not working at home. expected my hubby to support but he just listens form both sides and stays quite. in his way, he has just one mission left to maintain peace at home.. so whenever my MIL shouts at me for no reason(just she gets a whim one day that i am taking advantage of herand you should listen to her how she speaks. people can not shout at dogs in this manner), all my work, my feeling of making peace with her, handling house and job all comes to zero. becasue she never appreciates my work, she just think i am taking advantage of her for raising my baby well. I am just fed up and fed up... i want to put baby in day care, all will stand out and say no saying its our baby. but day by day i get this verdict\" tumhari biwi ne mujhe naukrani bana rakha hai\" . cant change her just listen and curse my self for the day i got married. she has been stay at home mom and she did all the house hold work by herself becasue no elder was at home. so she has expected me to do everything from scratch.

so let me come to my point, i need to ask how you working moms are handling house hold work and your baby when you reach home. i try to do everything now accroding to her choice but no use. i just want to get on with my work as i have to raise my baby and i have to concentrate on that. i go at 7.30 and come around 7 in night. could you give me some tips how should i manage all small chores, cleaning home, washing clothes, making food etc. i do not want to expect help from her as i am really tired of expecting getting hurt in turn. i am just fed up of listening all the curses from her. i really try to be good DIL but what i get is drama of Mom and two sons how they are happy to be with each other. i am just a nth person staying at their home with whom they have no concern. they dont care if i get rest, if i feel good or atleast they can say me encouraging words for all my contribution to home. i just cry and cry when i think of days spent during and after my pregnency, wherei got up from bed at the 3rd day because she was cursing me for sitting and eating. i took care of my baby, did all house hold work and stil she complaing she had to make nappies for my baby, and i did not even try to take any thread. i ahve done all my part of making them understand that please consider i am working, but she is not concerned. its my bay i have to do that.. thats it... is it what i ma worth for at thier home, just a useless person, who is never cared for. what to think after all this. Melrose replied. It' s as simple as that. Tell your husband that you want to be a stay at home mom, and that he needs to take charge of earning for the family. That' s it. And if he says that the additional income is needed, then inform him that there has to be a compromise somewhere. That the Daadi taking care of her gradchild is not doing anyone a favour. My in-laws are the same... they act as if everything that we do for them is supposed to be done... and any little thing that they do for us is a tremendous favour. I DID NOT LET MY MIL BE A PART OF MY PREGNANCY. I DO NOT LET HER TAKE CARE OF MY SON. That' s it. It has ended ALL quarrels. Before she used to say the same thing... Tumhari Biwi Malkini hai aur mai naukrani. Throw out the Naukrani. The minute we didn' t allow my MIL to take care of my son.... she tries so hard to appear good in front of my son now. She' ll buy toys for him, she' ll ask us if she can come over and look after him for an hour or so. WE DECLINE. Because if we back down and let her do this again, then the whole Ramayan will start over. Take my advice... it may create financial problems for you... but if it is possible, DO NOT let her care for your child. suhani replied. first of all thanks for replies. reading your replies, i can just think i can not kick her out of my life because my hubby is elder of two sons and my fil is not there and that too in this condition my BIL does not react properly. obviously they are not ready to think that thier mom can do all theses things to me. for them its just a fight of one day. but wheni listen to her words, i am not able to understand how she has heart to say all these things. that too my hubby does not till day how to behave in front of others to his wife. i am either a working maid or i am care taker for my baby when we go to others. i dont expect my mil to show me some kindness but they all easily forget if i need food or i need anything. i have to just hold my baby and just see how they are busy in conversing. its upto courtesy of other people whose home we have gone that they ask me for anything. before marriage he used to give me gifts for all occasions ( as it was love marriage). but after marriage he does not want to do anything. he just says guys dont bother about these things, it is you girls who keep thinking about these things. so in turn i have always got disrespect from them because the never bothered to think that i am worth it. i ajust fight and after that its same again .i am fed up of telling my husband that atleast he should see that i am given respect.

but now i have made this decision after seeing all this for 2 years. i dont want to get insulted everytime in front of everybody so i have stopped speaking with all of them. i just go to home and take care of my baby and do my work. it really takes a hell out of me, but i am happy that i dont have to go through this again and again. their mother-sons rama still bothers me but i am trying to get out of this too. just need some mental strength to go through all this. because i have tried all my best to make bond with me but for them i am not more than servant and one day if my hubby thinks that i should get some refereshments( thats when he thinks), he takes me out. never care to spend some time with me. i am always alone form the first day of my marriage. i am just waiting for my bay to be atleast 1.5 years old so that i can put him into day care, till then i have to suffer all this drama and after this i will be relieved. i dont want to listen my MIl shout it me when he grows older, because at tihs point of time he is my only hope to live and i dont want him to be ashamed of his mother. jyoti replied. Let me tell you things point by point from my experience and understanding psychology. A woman when gets married should be a good wife which means encouraging her husband and loving him but at the same time she should hold her self esteem. Now when a woman becomes pregnant she should be a good mother that' s her primary duty. Husband himself becomes third in her life(first is child second is herself) inlaws don' t come anywhere in picture as even hinduism advocates the old people to go for pilgrimage and spend their rest of life being nuisance free to young people but unfortunately the elders forget it. The ideal situation for any woman is to take care of her child completely,breastfeed and bond with the child. But since you are working,its not possible. Your MIL is taking advantage of your situation as you are emotionally and physically depended on her.Ask again if you want this lady in your life, imagine how she treats your child when you are not around,I am scared for your child and I hope she doesn' t do permanent damage to your child and your mental state.Solution:kick her out take help from your parents. Tell your husband that preganancy is difficult and your MIL is pshychologically harassing you(record her conversation etc and play to him) tell him you are going to crack with sadness.if you get no help from parents find a costly day center where there are very few kids if this is not possible quit your job after kicking your inlaws,tell your hubby its a decision you are making for your mental peace and childs peace.If he loves you he will listen to you.First step is making your MIL realize that you don' t need her in your life this is the only way you can find peace sujata replied. I would not answer you i would tell you what i would have doneif i was in your situation.
I know it is difficult for husbands ,but the good thing i your hubby doesnt interfere .
your mil is a very good politician and now it is time for you to play politics .why do you want to slog like a donkey and work from 7 in the morning till 11 in the night at expense of your kids life .Learn to say no ,learn to face the consequenses ,and what will be use of shedding tears for people who dont even care for your tears .
when you reach from work to home sit for some time if you mil says something just start humming some song ...bottom line IGNORE .
make dinner and thats all .Get a maid .if your mil is not fine with it ,let her do her own laundry and dishes .Say it to your self every morning \" I am not a maid and i chose not to live like one \"
if your husband does some drama give him drama in return ,just pretend to faint if it gets too much ,when they take you to doctor tell him what ever you have written here \" that you work from 7 in morning do dishes,laundry for 4 people etc.\"
Make your hubby feel guilty as much as you can for your plight .
you have to teach a lesson to this lady ...next time she tells i did every thing on my own when had 2 kids ,tell who know s you did what i know what i see . i cannot ,i never say what i did ,why do you want to say what you did .
honey if you let others take advantage of you people will take it ,so stand up for your self .
just ignore her like a dog in the house who only knows to bark Shreya replied. Hi Suhani,

I really sympathise with you.Few suggestions from me :

- If you and your husband both are working , why don’t you hire a maid few household chores? Make sure that you or your husband pay the maid' s salary so that your mother in law doesn’t complain that she has to pay salary to the paid because you don’t work.

- Discuss your problem with your husband and put your baby in a day care so that your mother in law doesn’t have to look after the baby when you are in office.Also,tell your husband that such a negative environment at home will have negative effect on you and your baby' s mental health.

- Try and minimise your conversation with your mother in law.Try not to share much of the household chores with her.If you minimise your conversation with her , she will stop taking you for granted.Be a bit bold too , stand up and tell her to back off at times.Tell her that she needs to differenciate between a maid and her daughter in law.

- If possible , you and yoru husband should move out of the house and stay separately.This is out of my personal experience that if you stay separate from yoru in-laws your relations are cordial and respectful.

All the best and I hope my suggestions worh for you.

Regards,Shreya sneha replied. i cannont be much suggestive but let me see.i am some wat lucky coz we never had plm with inlaws so far.i stayed with tehm 3 months and after taht iam in gulf.)
so ur working now?.i tink both of u hav good income.then why dont u hire a maid?all rounder one take care of baby n house chores.or else wen kid is say 1yr old sent to creche\play school.then talk to ur hubby again and again regarding the issue,u guys try shifting ur home.doesnt ur hubby understands ur need for rest or relaxing?ask him to share chores with u maybe like takin care of baby or cooking.get him to help u in some extent.how abt ur parents place are tehy cooperative with u?
some humans are like this they can never be changed.but dont spoil ur life for them.u just ignore her.dont take anything to heart.now ur concern is ur baby.do wat is best or her//him.i duuno if this is posible ,but this is wat one of my aunts did.she sufferd in silence,one day she decided enuf and so she just stopped doin anything for her sil or mil.they just subsided gradually.she as one day askeedd to wash an undergarment of her sils,not just ordinary blood stained ones.she didnt,she just went to sil and mil and asked why god gave them two hands nad tossed it away.be bold stand against her gradually.ur financilaly independent.ru guys having jobs with transfers.then settle in some where else.does she hav another dil.u hav mentionedd two sons so i asked.
my policy is however one behave with u give them dose of same medicine.be it my own parents(u can read my post my parents treat me lik outsider-joint family).even if its my hubby inlaws or parents ,i tink lik that.i never regret it.BE URSELF NO USE TRYIN TO B BESTS DIL,THEY WILL FIND FAULT EVEN IF THE WORST CRITIC DOESNT
all the beSt to you