Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Dear Friends,
I have been reading the articles frequently but today I felt like pouring some feeling out. Please bear with me for this.
I need some advice .i am a working woman.Mine was a arranged marriage. I belong to a simple middle class family , my father being a SAIL employee and mother being a homemake. My parent have given me and my younger brother the education needed to stand on out own feet.
As the indian tradition, my parents wanted me to get married in 2003 as they felt that it was the right age to go for this.I got married in 2003 . Life was OK with little hicups with my MIL but that was OK yill in June 2006 when I was blessed with a baby boy.
After 3 days of delivery i was discharged from hospital. At home My FIL and MIL were there and my parents were with me in hospital. My MIL behaved very badly with my mother which I could not tolerate.Although I needed my mother , my MIL was always trying to tell that she was the person to be alloed to be with me . But she was of no help to me. She did all wromg things to me. She is a hypocraite who will say something to me and something else to my husband.
She told something to my hubby and my hubby misbehaved and almost came to hit me that night when it was the 3rd day of my delicery and I had 6-8 stiched unhealed. After that the series of mental torture started to me and my family. His parent asked him to break all relations with my family and also told him that I dont have any realtionship with his. My family is veruy broken with all these. My hubby stays in Mumbai as he took a transfer last year. i am working here and am not getting any job there . My parent hae come to stay with me to take care of my son. My hubby goes to Pune to his inlaws every week but its 5 months that he has not met us. We talk over phone.
I am financially independent and run the household myself with my salary. he send a nominal amount for the kid.
I am very depressed and helpless. Please help!
Richa. MK replied. Richa: you need to get a divorce! What a miserable person you are married to , Im sorry to say. How could he have hit you in that state?! Listen, he is tied to his mother' s apron strings - and believe me - he will continue to be tied to her for ever. Somebody in their reply said - that his parents wont be for ever - but they will be there for a long long time - and you will never come first in his life. Not you and not your child - I know people like him. All these solace and comfort advice - it will ensure that your life will be one long misery. get out now - dont worry about the finances - you are already financially independent, have confidence in yourself. Try for a reconciliation if you want to - but I have no doubts that he will never change. You will always be trying for his love and you will continue to be disappointed. My advice - without telling your hubby what u intend to do, consult a good lawyer to ensure that you have a strong and solid case, your important aim should be to make sure you get custody of your child. If hubby gives child support - great, if not - forget it. Im really sorry to be saying this because I know from all your responses that it isnt what you want to hear. You want to get back to him and youre hoping he will start loving and respecting you - but youre living ina fool' s paradise. Dont end up getting bitter and cynical and spoiling your personality and your child' s as well. Theres a beautiful world out there and other people who will love and respect you. Dont ruin your life girl. Best of luck! Saheli replied. So hows it going for you dear?

What have you decided and what are you doing to make things work out?

Keep us posted. Chandra replied. aa--
my IL' s and husband have treated me very badly thruout my whole pregnancy. It' s not as easy as saying u are the DIL and you cant do anything to help urself. I have stood up for myself. They wanted a lot of unreasonable things from me. and I flat out refused to listen. They wanted me to quit school, said horrible things to me. and I just took it, but did what I had to do. i have two weeks till i deliver. NOW they are being nicer to me. My IL' s are calling me and asking me how I am doing. My husband is starting to talk better to me. I don' t trust them. And probably never will. They are NOT nice people and the only reason I stay in this marriage is because my parents would be hurt if it was to break. My parents have supported me though. they have told me i don' t need to put up with anything unreasonable. As long as i don' t do anything wrong..

ruchi- i know its hard being apart. But think of it as time to bond with ur child, time to get a break from ur husband and his family. Yes, we are girls and have a lot more to put up with. BUT that doesnt mean we just sit back and take whatever they give us. be strong for yourself. I know you must miss your husband, from what you have said, but remember one thing, he misses you too. and he will realize that even more down the road. Men are blinded by their parents. They dont realize that they have a life with their wife and child. Sometimes it takes a long time for them to figure it out, but when they do, you' ll see a BIG change in him. He' ll be the one chasing you and you' ll be like..whatever! lol...good luck to u Saheli replied. Do you love him?

At the end of the day, whats going to matter is the strength of your relationship. If you two are together in a strong bond then nothhing can break it.

At times the men get carried away. Your MIL is his mother - someone he has been considering as an ideal woman all his life. Lets not get into who did what, who did wrong, who did right.

If you love your hubby and want to spend your life with him, pick up phone and talk to him right now. Tell him you love him and want to be with him.

Dont forget to tell him that years down the line you two are going to be there for each other (men generally dont visualise future too far when they get into incorrect directions from aprents. They think parents are eternal.)

Its not a good idea to let the man stay alone. Try and be with him as soon as possible. I wont suggest you to leave your current job. I also think its not a good idea to move to mumbai losing your financial dependence and put it on him (it will only give your inlaws more room to play with you). I leave it to you what to do about it and will only say that get back to him asap.

Dont let your ego spoil things. Marriage is a vehicle that runs on 2 wheels, there are times you need to balance it. Infact most times its the woman who needs to give in :-) No worries, she is anyways stronger than the man! Right?

Nutshell. Inlaws problems, look at it later. Right now get back to your hubby and win his trust love care and develop a bond so strong that your MIL cannot do anything about it. Think about everything carefully and take your own decision.

Good luck, keep us posted. aa replied. hi Richa, you need to recover, dont let your emotions get in the way...my husb and his family treated me very poorly while i was pregnant, and even after.....and still now they do that too, because we are the daughter in law, they can hurt us any way they want to. i wish my husb would let me and the kids go, i would gladly leave this family! i just cant trust them, or be happy....take care of yourself.