Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi Friends,
Till date I was just a silent reader n visitor of this forum. But today I just thought of putting across my feelings , emotions n better still the situation in which I am in. I am a working woman, now availing my maternity leave since I have been blessed with a baby boy 4 months ago. I am married for almost 3 yrs now, staying at my home with my hubby, my son n my MIL who stays with us. My hubby is quite supportive n loving who takes care of me. Until recently even in small n trivial issues he has started showing his displeasure n discontentment to my views about my MIL n SIL My sil is married n stays in different city with her hubby, son n old MIL My MIL is very unfathomable lady n suffers from complex I believe as compares me with herself n my SIL.

Believe me though I am working n earning good I cannot buy saris( which r expensive ), jewelleries of my own. Becoz she starts grumbling saying she is deprived from this n calls my SIL to say whatever that is happening in my household. Even the kitchen n grocery details, our financial investments r talked n discussed about over the phone. N SIL comes to our place twice a year to stay with us n gives suggestions to me n my husband about how to run the household, finance n every possible thing for what to do n wat not. I wonder r we immature kids that we need to follow her about how to lead our own family matters. I blieve every family unit is diff 4m the other n there cannot b any fixed model as how to run it.She even tells us indirectly that we shud try to go about the way like the way she does ,which my MIL also supports.

Both my MIL n SIL cannot tolerate the praises which others shower on me for my cooking, goods looks, education, my artworks( if any one does so in front of them,even if its my BIL). In early days of our marriage wenever me n my hubby used to go for movies my MIL used to show attitude when we came back home. Even our honeymoon to goa ( 2 yrs after marriage) was questioned by my MIL as to why she was not taken along.

Since I am with a job which takes 11hrs of the day I have left my kitchen in my MIL’s hands for the working days(Mon-Fri).But to my utter dismay she is not at all hygienic in her kitchen manners n also wastes lot many things in the kitchen She does the same with my baby’s foods too.But I a have to b tounge-tied as , if I say anything she makes an issue out of it n reports it to my SIL. After my marriage she expected me to cook at night after coming back home from a 12 hr( I return home by 8.30 pm) demanding job. While thru out the day she was alone at home with no enormous work to be done as we have a maid n both me n my DH used to leave home by 8.45am.

Last year wen I was pregnant n was on leave she was not at all happy cooking for me , leave alone taking care of me. Unfortunately I cudn’t go to my parents place as its in a diff city n far away. So I had to bear the brunt. I used to suffer from hunger pangs in the evening but had nothing to eat unless I get up make sumthin of my own. While she used to make n have her eve snack Once MIL caught a very bad cold n cough I politely asked her not to hold my 21days old baby while sneezing n she has made an issue on that by telling to my SIL when she was at our place. Did I do sumthin wrong??? I believe even Doc’s advise the same. N b4 leaving my SIL spoke very rudely to me for that stating that I shud not tell my MIL how n when to handle babies as she has handled them lot. Even my maternal feelings n emotions were looked down upon stating that I shud nt b too long n attached with the baby as he will develop bonding with me n will b difficult 4my MIL to handle him. Imagine how does it feel ,for 1st time mother, away from her own parents during this crucial time wen all ladies undergo a huge emotional high n lows. Even till date I am fighting this suffocating n stifling environment. She even gossips against me with the maids n has taken them in her loop.

But the saddest part is that I have noticed certain attitudinal change in my hubby after my SIL’s visit this time. I discussed with him abt this but he discarded this stating it’s me who needs a change n not any1 else. I have bored u all a lot by this long mail but I have no place to vent out my feelings.. Not even to my parents as they were against this marriage due to difference in caste n family background. I feel suicidal at times

I need all of yours valuable suggestions to help me out and make me feel emotionally better n strong to fight out all the odds.
Hoping Replies…………………………..

Anamika

M replied. Hi Anamika,

I agree with Maya.
This is very normal behaviour by most of the MILs. Get a cook instead of asking you MIL to cook. That way you have some control. You can ask your cook to be hygienic. But you cannot tell the same thing to your MIL.
Dont let your MIL know you financial decisions.
Change your maid servants. You can give the excuse that you need a full time maid now.
Do not expect your MIL to cook for you when you are pregnant. I feel it was not right on your part. Your MIL also is getting old and cannot work like you and I. Regarding your maternal feelings, I too feel the same thing whatever you MIL and SIL said. Finally it will be your MIL who has to take care of your baby. She will definitely lok for her convenience. You need to decide whether you want to take outside help or leave your child with your MIL. You cannot expect and demand from your MIL the way you want if you are dependant on her for anything.
I feel most of the problems in most of houses are due to the saans-bahu serial. If possible sell your TV. -) maya replied. dear anamika,

i feel for u. but u r not alone. now, this doesnt means that u should suffer silently. i just wish to let u know that so many of us face the same situation n most importantly, in the end , turn the situation in our favor :-) thats the good point here. i know being a first time mom , u r under huge emotional n physical stress. n then u have to hear all this nonsense n seeing ur hubby behaving like that u must be sad n depressed. but dear friend, there is hope. u just have to make effort to arrange ur priorities again. ur own health, ur baby n relationship with ur hubby should come first. dont think that most of us are blessed with supportive mils n sils. no dear, we r too figthing our battles with ppl who r verbally abusive to us. just gather enough courage. a woman has the capacity to conqer mountains if her identiy n motherly instints r challenged ! dont even expect ur mil n sil to praise u for ur skills. i dnt mean that they r ur hard core enemies , i just wish to say that if things r not wrking out between them n u then ignore them n maintain a respectful distance. remain polite to them but mentally dissociate from them n take ur own decisions without fearing what they will think / comment. they will realize with time that u have no affect of their bickering, they may complain abt this too but wont have any option left. so spend time with ur baby n love him as ur heart desires. be cheerful towards ur hubby. he might also be under stress as he is a first time father n his wife is now more involved with the baby. so give him attention n kind words. no matter how irritating ur mil / sil become donot complain abt them to hubby for some months. try this. make husband-wife bond strong again. be diplomatic. if sil suggests what should u buy , how should u live then u also politely start suggesting same kind of things to her ! remember u have full liberty to spend the money u earn n buy the things u want.just go ahead n do that, let them turn green or red , whatever !!! hire maids to cook n take care of the baby, why r u earning if u could not have some comfort with the money. ur mil wont be able to taunt u that she has to do so much for u, cooking, taking care of baby when u r away. see , u have to have ur way but still be polite to the rest of family members for ur own peace. good luck. sorry for the long post. hi replied. hi anamika

i can understand the depth of your feelings. yet i think you have a lot of oppurtunities to free yourself up from these ties. i surely think so. don' t ever be emotionally weak dear friend. that is the worst thing and others will easily abuse that oppurtunity. the thing i say is, as long as you are doing everything right and not hurting anybody don' t be scared of anybody. be strong and do what is right. you cannot sacrifice you peace and happiness for some physco people. so if you find somebody is just annoying and you have no way to shut them out. just ignore them. you jsut show happiness enjoy your life. you have to love your baby. even if it creates strong bond so nobody can handle him later. never mind those words. you just make a great bond with your son. if the person who looks the baby when you starts working has to develop a way to be with him. you make your son familiar with that person and even if the baby have very strong bonds(
it should be that way) with the mom he will love to play with granny . that doesn' t mean you have to show less love. YOU DO WHAT YOUR HEART TELLS YOU. ok. baby will be fine. sometimes he will cry or show some difficulties when you leave ,that is ok. all the babies do it. it is normal. slowly he will get adjusted. ok. don' t worry. don' t care of bad words and interfering persons. you do what is right and good for you. be strong . find happiness and strngth within yourself. pray. GOD will give you enough strength to find your way throught hard people. even if it your loving hubby. just ignore when he is unreasonable. always show them you are happy no matter what. ok. i think you can be in a better situation than this. only thing is , YOU HAVE TO INITATE THE CHANGE. about buying things for yourself. you are working. you studied hard and you earned your job, you don' t need anybody else permission to buy the things you need. just buy it and wear it when you want. ok. don' t depent on others dear. they will never let you do anything. selfish .
i am sure you are going to get a lot of nice replies which sooth your hearth and ease your life. ok. take care. your life is yours. you only should decide things for you and your baby.