Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi,
I live in the US with my husband, my daughter and my brother in low. He is very angry man. He is adult but still believes it's my husband responsibility to take care of him. My FIL was really nice man. He passed away recently. I used to tell everything to my FIL about my BIL. He was very understanding. He knew his son, But now my FIL is not with us anymore, I don't know what to do. Everytime we tell him something he gets angry. He has physically hurt everyone in the family including his 80 yrs. old grandfather. He went back to India, and came back 5 yrs. ago. He spends lot of money on his stuff, but never gives even a dime in the home. He doesn't even do anything at home. If My husband tells him he would get angry and fight. When he is angry he speaks so loud that neighbour could hear. Once he tried to hit me, so I don't bother him. My MIL wants him to stay with us. I am so depressed as everyday he would fight for something. My Hubby is the nicest person I know. She is depressed too especially since he lost his father at middle age (My FIL was about 55). How can we deal with him? Please help me.

Thanks, harj replied. HI

I had the same problem as you. My BIL came from India about 2 years after we were married. He had such a difficult personality he was very argumentative and very jealous of what we had made of ourselves. It is not so easy to chuck someone out of the house. My husband family back in India All still live together so this made it difficult for me to suggest he should move out. My BIL used his mum to to emotionally blackmail my husband into believing he was his responsibility. I put up with his silly ways for a while but soon he started interfering with the way I was bringing up my kids, He never offered to babysit or help round the house. The last straw came when he started talking about me and my husband to relatives. I eventualy asked him to leave because I knew my husband would not. this caused problems between my husband but you have to put your children first. It has taken time but I think my husband realises Know that I didnt have any choice either. I hope this helps with your problem. Please give and update to your problem as I am very interseted to see what happened.
Realist replied. Tell the \";jerk\"; to move on out. This is the U.S. honey! The cultural bullshit and crap does NOT apply here. Apartments, are galore in this country. Furthermore, one has more self respect when they are holding their own. Why do people engage in violent behaviour. No matter how nice folks are. I am definitely not for the joint family system. WHo thought of this crap? Fine, call me a typical liberal male. Get the both of you your peace back. Find a way to be out and over with the inlaws. Life, in this country is hectic enough. Good luck and take care. smita replied. My God, just separate or move out yourself. Tell your mom in law she can live with her son and 2 and your husband just move out. its not that hard getting a place on rent in america, and its not completely unaffordable. tomorrow u are going to have children, and u dont want them to grow up under such a bad influence with such a violent man. it may be hard telling him to get out, but if u tell them that u are leaving the house and they can keep it and pay the rent etc, they will come to their senses. all the best. i hope things work out for u. Archie replied. Dear helpless,
It would be difficult but tell your mother in law that a 25 year old boy has to be little more responsible towards the things. She should be helpful in this matter. If possible you both, husband wife should talk at the same time. Have this long and serious talk with your MIL. It does not matter whether your FIL is there or not, you both should remind her how your FIL helped and how you both miss him. She has to fulfil her duties toward making him straight and see reasons. If needed ask her to make him see reason and establish his own house or whatever, there he can be angry on himself, his mother or neighbors.
The loud voice people have this attitude and you should not get quiet, rather you have to go on telling him in your whatever intensity is. It's their weapon and they know how to use it, unless you try to show that weapon is weaker these type of people never understand.

Hope your MIL will make him see his responsibilities than throwing his tantrum.

Archie sonia replied. Tell your MIL about how he behaves and give him an ultimatum....tell him to get out.
It is not ok for him to behave like that in your home...thats the problem with Indian culture..we have to take all the crap that others spill...it is not ok.
Stand up for yourself...tell your husband you have had enough.

Good luck to you.