Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi All,
Thanks for ur suggestion till date and i really value it a lot. Please read my previous post on \" How to convince DH\" and give ur suggestion. Dd replied. Hi pooja,
i don' t have any direct advise but i will tell you about my position so may be you can take suggestions from it if it suits you.

In 10 yrs my married life my dh had stayed over at my parents place hardly few days altogether that' s bcs its in the same city. but whenever i feel like or once a week he will take me there for few hours & if he has time he will also stay or else i will ask my bro to drop me back. I go to stay over for about a month in a year, sometimes in 1 strecch, sometimes in 2-3 stretch. that time he will come for a day or two if its cinvinient with him. mil does not interfer in this. i am also not very fussy sometimes i tell him that you don' t stay etc. but for me it is enough if i get to stay with my parents pecefully. my fil also moved to this city after retirement after 2 yrs of our marriage & my mil belongs to very same city so there is a big relavtive circle. so when i am at my parents place & if there is any function in their relative' s side i will attend but if it is some friend' s of mil-sil' s i will not come specially to attend even though i am in the city. I have done this from the begining so they don' t object. sometimes with relatives also i decide based on the situation on my own. like this year on rakshabandhan mamaji had planned satynarayan katha & lunch for the whole family. I attend the puja but did not stayed back for lunch bcs i wanted to spend the day with my brother and they accepted it. So bcs my dh & mil are very understanding in this point about my satying over i don' t fuss about him not coming to stay at my parent' s aplce. he spends time with them evry now & then whenever poosible so its ok with me.
so that' s my case. when we were overseas for 4 yrs inbetween we came to india once after 1.5 yr that time i came 20 days early & went straight to my parent' s place & stayed with them. i just went to meet il' s next day after arriving for few days. i had conveyed about my plans thru dh long time back before coming so they were ok. so when my dh arrived i went there & stayed for a month, in which we went to vashnodavi & other places around delhi with the whole family for 10 days. My dh had invited my family also for the trip but only my dad came bcs bhabhi was pregenant so bro, her & mom could not come also my sis came with her kid. and finally when we came back from overseas before 3 yrs. after arriving i went to stay at parents place for 2 days only bcs it was diwali time & we were to visit fil' s native with the family but after coming back from there i went to stay at my parent' s place for whole month. my dh came for 2 days at the end of the stay. I try & talk to my mil directly about my plans whenever i want to go, but check with dh also before talking to her.

Now i am in a delima bcs we have seperated before 4 months & i have not gone to stay over so confused how to plan it. me & my sis usually plan it in summer break together. she is also in the same city & stays very near to my parent' s place. Ritika replied. Hi Pooja,

You could mention to your hubby that there is no hard and fast rule for anything in this world. Including the number of days you spend in yr sasural also. So how would he feel if the next time you visit, you go to yr sasural for 2 days and spend the rest of yr vacation with your parents Will he be ok with that?

Basically make him realize that he is having one set of rules for himself and one set for you. And how unfair that is. And if he persists then tell him that his double standards can cause resentment in the long term in your heart..and then drop the subject.

And if I were you, I would spend more time with my parents. But this depends on individual to individual. Do what you are comfortable with.

take care,
Ritika
Pooja replied. Thanks Ritika and sss for the suggestion.I will try n follow whatever u have suggested.
DH does not have any sister. He just has an elder brother. MIL keeps saying that after marriage a girl should pay more attention and time for in-laws. Her sons should not go to their in-laws place and DILs to the minimum.
As i am the only child , me and my husband are the only world for them. How do i make my husband understand this ?
Ritika, i too do the same thing like if i go for 10 days , i stay for 6 days at in-laws place and 4 days with my parents. DH initially used to stay for 2 days but now 1 day is more than enough for him. He says that is there any hard and fast rule that when ever we go our native he needs to stay at my place. I felt very bad when he told me this as if my parents dont matter to him at all. But otherwise he is good. When my parents come to visit us he behaves with them properly. and so do i when his family members visit us. Infact i go beyond the levels and do for his relatives and family members.
I have never answered back to my MIL' s taunting remarks.
sss, his cousin has started staying with us only 6 months back. But my husband' s attitude towards staying with my parents has changed long back say some 2 years back. sss replied. dear pooja,
please think about why your DH is backing now.you told that he was ready initially to stay with your inlaws.then why this change now?may be my parents and your parents,my family and your family type of things have increased in b/w you two.i say this b' cause you had a problem when his cousin stayed with you.see,i am not criticising you and telling that you are the one who created this attitude.
see,i am also like you only.married for almost three yrs.Bil stay with us.so,sometimes i get angry with something about them and say your family and such things and obviously make my hubby sad.then to defend him he criticise my side also.otherwise he is very good with my family.so,i want to say,i am the one creating a problem in my case.but no big problems,touchwood.my in-laws are good people and i really get along with all of them.like you my in-laws and parents stay in same city and we stay in another city.so when we visit them we both stay together at both places.we are always together.but sometimes its like 6 days at in-laws and 4 days at my place if its for 10 days.my hubby says it should be like that and i agree to it so as to avoid tension.yes,it is a compromise from my side.but i am happy and my family is also happy as in the 4 days that we are there my hubby really get along very well with all family members.
so my advice is dont focus on just your family.you are a bahu to your hubby' s family also.when you give them their importance,your hubby will learn to respect and love your family also.dont let ego and selfishness spoil your beautiful relationship.be happy and all the best. Ritika replied. Hi Pooja,

Nopes, its not wrong to expect your husband to stay with your parents for a few days. However, I would not waste too much breath on trying to convince him right now.

My MIL was same as yours..the one time that I asked my hubby to stay at my parents place, she created so much fuss..and convinced my hubby that my parents wanted to make him ghar jamai etc...when he said such a thing to me, I was so shocked and upset..but one thing I decided then..that I will never ever ask him to stay at my parents place in future.

After some days when he was in an ok mood and we were talking about when next to go to India, I told him that \" sweetie, aapne mujhe bahut hurt kiya tha when you said that my parents have an ulterior motive in inviting you. And now I am never ever going to ask you to stay with them.\" And after that I never mentioned that topic to him..after a year or so, when the topic of travel again came up and he said that I want to taste your mom' s cooking..she cooks so well..I said, theek hai, I' ll get some for you, coz obviously you will not come and stay with them...he was a little taken aback...and he has since noticed that even after so many years, I do not ask him...

So this year he has been telling me several times that the next time we go to India, he will come and stay with my parents for a few days...

My point is that sometimes, you need to let go...when your hubby sees that its not such a sore point with you, he might come around to it sooner or later...

As for you going to your parents place, please go. And as for your in-laws getting upset about it, tell your husband that even your MIL goes to her mayka...and what' s the big deal about it...

When my in laws created hungama because I wanted to go and stay with my parents for a few days (I was coming to India after 2 years), I packed my bags and told them that I am going and just left ( my parents were in the same city).

Later I told my hubby (when he was in a good and receptive mood) that just as he wants to spend time with his parents after so many years, so do I. And how would he feel if I told him that he had to spend his entire vacation at my parents place and could not meet his parents? When he said that it is tradition etc, I told him that in Indian culture, EVERY girl goes to her mayka for some time...A son-in-law also goes to his sasural and spends time there, that' s why we have so many stories about damad being treated like a king in his in-laws place... :)

Don' t worry too much...yes, it would be nice if your hubby visited your parents, but if he doesn' t then I would not waste too much time worrying about it.

Get a nice gift from yr parents for your hubby and now and then, tell him that my dad was praising him for such and such thing..or my mom was praising you for because you did this...etc etc create a good impression in his mind...and then maybe when he is talking about his sister' s husband (does he have a sister?), you can ask him, \" oh, does yr sister' s husband come and stay with yr parents??? I thought in your family there is no such tradition! And then leave it at.

Take care,
Ritika