Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I am a working lady. We live in a different city from our parents. We go to our native only once in 7/8 months.
We go for some 10 days and i make sure that i stay equal number of days at both my in-laws and at my place.
I want my DH to spend few days with my parents also. He does not and also my MIL does not want DH to
stay. My parents stay alone and through out the year they just wait for the days when we visit them and at my in-laws
place there are many ppl . Its a joint family so its always 10 members.
I feel its unfair on my husband' s part for not staying at my parents place. Though he has never ill treated my parents but he should be a little considerate also.
I have tried to convince him many times but all in vain.
My in-laws place and my place are in 2 different city with is some 50 kms apart.
Please suggest if my thinking that my husband should also spend some time with my parents is wrong. sana replied. Just don' t bother, you have to understand these husbands of ours have been brainwashed from there parents since they were in diapers. I hate it when my mil says \" duniyawala kiya bolaain ga\" ..to that i never use to response to her but when my husband utters those same words. i blew up at him and made him stay with my parents for a weekend....and boy did i wish i didn' t. My mom just cooked , my father had to change his lifestyle for his son in law...my brother was runing back and forth from the market to get this...to get that ... the whole family was acting like the king spending the weekend with us. Not once i was able to spend with my mom, bc she was worried that my husband is probably bored and i should give him company...so my point is just enjoy going to your parents house and when ever he/they call let him.them know you are having the time of your life :) bostonchic replied. I am only 27 years-old,an Indian-raised, American-educated physician, and I claim to know nothing. My mom has always told me that you should try to \" manipulate\" your husband in terms of love, affection, cooking, boosting ego etc..and since it was a love marriage, I have always argued with her that I would do no such thing, and will act on my instinct and argue when need be. I have to say that I got very lucky until I started running into some situations with the in-laws. First came naming of my now six-month-old-son. Then, came changing my name. Then, came raising my son. I argued all three times, and now they are not talking to me. Hmm..I wondered. I have done more for them than their own daughter has..and then I finally came to the conclusion. All though the American-living-mil' s say that their dil' s are their true daughters..they never are..and the more you do..the more they expect. The more reticent you are..the more they get anxious..and are on their toes. So, now, we have new rules in the house.. not only do I not give them daily details regarding what happens in our life, my husband has been told that he can' t give details concerning me to them either. I am not going to give them any advance notice of me going to my parents..as it inevitably sounds like I am asking their permission. Instead I go there, and tell them that I came for a friend, etc..and that I am going to go back to my husband when he wants me to come back. This way the ball is in my husband' s court. And, even though in the beginning I use to make sure that the days I spend at the in-laws and parents matched..now, I don' t make excuses, and simply note that I am spending time with my family. I have told my husband on repeat times..that I have begun to realize that his parents are his responsibility and my parents are mine. If I can' t be truly accepted as their daughter..they are not going to be my parents. period. In the beginning I used to enjoy the popularity contest that I was winning..but now the extended family knows and respects me independently of what my mil thinks of me, so it doesn' t matter. If any thing..the in-laws will have to be careful as I know more about what they really think of the extended family than their own brothers and sisters do.. so, hence forth..I have effectively gotten a divorce from my what I thought were my second set of parents. Now, they are just my husband' s parents who I am willing to meet twice a year..not more, not less. I will be civil in conversation. And, if my husband can' t deal with it,so be it. I have an education, can earn my own income, and can raise my own son. Evolution has given me a brain, my mother has given me the independence, my teachers have given me an education, and I shall be able to give them to my son. Where does the mil come in? Nowhere! sc replied. I think we need to put out foot down and take a firm stand. our parents have looked after us, fed us, cleaned us, educated us and married us. don' t we have any responsibility towards them? i visit my parents every weekend and often stay over as well. My MIL is not happy but it does not make a difference to me. Sunita replied. What an awful situation! I remember at the beginning of my marriage my husband acted like he was going to catch something if he went to my parents house! I still don' t know if my m.i.l had said anything to him with regards to going to my house.

The thought of him not visiting my parents whilst i looked after his infuriated me!I didnt hesitate in letting him know this either!However, this is what i did, it worked for me!!

Your husband sounds like he needs a little convincing so you will have to ' butter him up' .Basically dote on him,let him know how happy you are with him, how he makes you feel special,how you are grateful that you have someone who looks after you so well. Men respond very positively when their ego' s are being massaged!!

You need to twist him round your finger and slowly but surely he will come round to your way of thinking. Use what ' skills' you have to good use i.e lady/master chef in the kitchen, tiger in the bedroom!(put politely!!!) He will soon tear away from his beloved mother!It wouldn' t hurt for you to be nice to her in his prescence either!!! Please note, this is for your husbands benefit, not M.I.L!

You will get what you want. Don' t take advantage of this, you need to slowly build up to what you want and how you expect your husband to behave. Reward him when he get' s things right! It will make you both happier in your marriage!

Best of luck! Chandra replied. i really wonder is anyone has the answer to this question! are they scared of something?! we are always gonna love our parents. if the inlaws LET us love our parents how we should, THEY would get soooo much of our attention and love in return.
please women, lets promise NOT to do this to our daughterinlaws....and dont just say it now, MEAN IT!! Pooja replied. I have been married for 3 years. For the 1st or 2nd time when i visited my parents DH used to stay for a day or 2. For this my MIL will create a great fuss and start crying. Slowly dh has changed and is not at all willing to stay at my place.
For my stay there also in-laws make fuss but i dont care. I dont take permission i just inform them that i will go to my parents place for so many days. For the entire duration of vacation is stay a little more at my in-laws place but never less. My parents do not expect anything from us neither financially nor in anyways so i feel at least we can spend some time with them as they are all alone. Please suggest how i can convince dh that my parents are also important. s replied. i guess MILs get very possesive or scared if our DH with get closer to our fly.It is the same in my case as well despite the fact that my parents and inlaws live in the same city and just 5-6kms away but still my hubby visits them once in a blue moon just for 10mts before which there is a call on his mobile from his mom asking when he is going to get back home??sometimes even when i want to visit my folks for an hour or half a day there are questions raised as to why? how long it will take etc..my DH will get irritated the moment i ask him if i can go to my place and we visit our place only once in 3-4months..the moment we go to his place he thinks i have to be there all the time..sometimes my inlaws are here with us every alternate month or two and stay for a month or so.even if his folks have been with us and we are going back together to our place he still makes a big issue when i want to go to my place and everytime i have to ask him and my inlaws for \" permission\" even if it is for an hour or two. Neha Saluja replied. It is absolutely not wrong if you ask your husband to stay at your parents place.I dont know why men are like that,My parents live in the same town where I live but still when I want to visit them I have observed that my DH is not happy and my MIL gives some taunt or the other.She would instigate my DH too.If there is a get together at my inlaws place she would expect me to do everything but if it is my parents B' day or if they are not well etc. my MIL starts getting problem.Iam too helpless.I dont know why inlaws are like that.