Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Problem lies between mine parents and my in laws. My wife was living with my parents as she had delivered a baby boy 5 month before and being first child I preffer my son to get good care and enough suppourt to my wife, so i found it better to leave my wife with parents and living alone at mumbai in my job. My Parents are at Gujrat. Now my in laws were not happy as My wife was not living with me and few days before in a fit they just broke out to my house and created sceen there that my parents are troubling my wife so they have all the rights to take there duaghter back with them. We all are stuned, Me and my parents always put there best to feel her comfortable. I my self keep visitng to home on weekends, talk on phone and planning to bring here with me in next month. Now in my relations and community In laws are blaming us that My Mom is not willing to send my wife with me. In laws never manitained the dignity of relationship and mine and my Wife married life is on toss. She also doesnt understand ..I cant beleive it . May we are wrong some where but noone had pointed it out before nor any suggestion or complian. I had no idea where I am or my mom is wrong. My FIL is not ready to send her back nor allow me speak my wife. I am still ready to anything for her cause I love her. Yes but not at sake mine and my parents esteem. How can I help it.. hope2help replied. If you wish to put the pride of yourself and yur parents first that is understandable but your child should come before pride. If they wont allow you to talk with your wife when you call than go to the home of your in laws and see her. We are all too easily controlled by our parents which could be what is happening here with your wife. Don' t condemn your wife for this because you are the same in siding with your parents. Have you considered having her come stay with you occasionally? You might even find she could stay full time and would cope fine. After all there is only the one child and she isn' t working is she? Ritika replied. Hi,

I' m glad you found my advice useful.

About your wife staying with your parents in the future - why don' t you tell her that any decision that affects both of you, you will discuss with her.

This includes staying with your parents.

See, the solution to this problem is that you start thinking of your wife and you as a joint decision making team. Where each has equal input. How would you feel if your wife decided unilaterally that you were going to stay with her parents for 3 months and didn' t discuss it with you saying that it was just because she cared too much for you...??

So, let her have a bigger say in this marriage. Resolve the main things first - then worry about how much time she will stay at your parents place in future.

When the main things between a husband and wife fall in place, the rest of the peripheral things sort themselves out sooner or later.

To have a happy married life where the husband and wife love and support each other and where they come first in each other' s priority list - this should be your goal.

If your wife is happy with you and feels that you will support her and stand up for her (regardless of whoever is doing an injustice to her...whether it be a stranger or your parent or her own parent), she will be willing to do a lot for you..including visiting your parents in future. However, next time make sure that you accompany her always (and not just one day a week).

Right now I wouldn' t worry too much about relations between the 2 sets of in-laws. They are senior adults and have seen life..they know fully well what they are doing and what their actions are resulting in. Their relation is a very delicate one. Since there has been a lot of bad blood between them recently, it will take some time for it to cool down. It would be good if they became friends but right now it does seem like a remote possibility. Don' t bank on it and don' t worry about it too much.

Just focus on your marriage for now.

One other piece of advice that I can give you (which will be a little difficult to follow in the beginning specially if you have never done it before but will pay rich dividends later on in terms of piece of mind and marital happiness)...next time your parents complain to you about your wife - please tell them gently but firmly - \" Please do not talk about her this way. She is my wife and I do not like to hear this.\"

You do this a couple of times and see the difference. Most often than not, their behavior towards your wife will become softer and nicer. She in turn will be happier with them and with you for supporting her openly.

It is a rite of passage that most husbands go through..I assume your dad also must have done it during his times..

In future whenever you are in a fix, think of how you would like to be treated in the other person' s situation. In this case put yourself in your wife' s shoes ever so often to see her point of view.

If you can' t understand it, then ask her to explain.

Last but not the least - always keep an open mind about what people tell you. Remember that people will tell the facts in such a way that it always benefits them. So if somebody tells you something about a 3rd person, if possible get the version from the other person also...just to cross check facts.

If I think of something else, I will post it later on..

hope you spend the new year with your wife and child...:)

Ritika abc replied. well i too agree with ritika,

talk to your wife...maybe because of communication gap this is happening.tell her you need your son...after all thats YOUR child too.you are his father.maybe she thinks her own parents can take much good care than you.(thats just a guess).You need to speak.

i agree with gg that after marriage girls get more fond of her maika..its natural because girls are more relaxed and free at their parents place....but then u cant take it for granted. Ritika replied. I don' t know how much you will take my advice...but here it goes...

Take whatever your parents and your in-laws say with a BIG pinch of salt. Their hearts and emotions are not that much involved in this issue as much as you and your wife' s.

So their advice to you and your wife might not really be what is best for you. Your parents might be claiming all innocence and not knowing why your wife left them and your in-laws might be behaving all angry and worsening the situation.

What it means is that even though it might all be true from their point of view...for you and your wife, all this is just spoiling your marital life.

The way you worded your post, it seemed to me that it was you and your parents who decided that your wife and child should stay with your parents for 5 + months. Is that correct?

Is yes, then here lies the basic problem. Lack of communication between you and your wife. The decision to stay or not stay with your parents should be ENTIRELY your wife' s.

A woman who has just given birth needs a LOT of care and attention - both physically and emotionally. In all honesty, there are very few in-laws who can provide this kind of support. Even the BEST parents sometimes cannot offer their son-in-law or daughter-in-law the SAME love that comes naturally for their own son or daughter.

Whatever it is, the problem right now is that you and your wife are staying apart right now. You have a 5 month old son who should be staying with you and your wife, not with your parents and not with your in-laws.

Focus on these 2 things and then think of achieving it.

Self esteem and ego are good in small doses, but if it affects your life, what good is it?

I would sincerely advice you to go to your in-laws place and talk to your wife. Tell her that \" maybe my parents were wrong, but it would help if she had communicated her problems to you. And right now, I want us to be together. If you do not want to stay with my parents, then its fine. But let us not spoil our marriage because of this one issue.\"

Tell her that you love her and would like to get together and stay together. And in future you will take joint decisions about things that affect both of you.

I will tell you something from my personal experience...parents might mean well, but they are also human beings. They can give wrong advice.

When you go and talk to your wife and attempt to get your marriage on track, it will show your maturity and love for her.

It will NOT lower your self esteem or your parents.

The biggest problem that any marriage faces is that we allow too much say in it to our parents and siblings etc. The marriage is essentially between you and your wife. It is not between you and your in-laws or between your wife and parents.

If your in-laws are not allowing your wife to speak to you, then it is time you got hold of one of her friends/cousins and tell her that you would like to talk to your wife alone.

And when you get a chance to talk to your wife, talk positive - eg. how much you love her and miss her and if there is any problems in future, you would like it if she communicates with you so that you can resolve it together.

After that if you can, then ask her about what all problems she had..and try to listen to her as a friend. Not as a representative of your parents..by which I mean that if she says anything negative about your parents behavior, you do not have to jump up to their defense straightaway and start scolding her. That will clam her up again.

After she has vented, tell her that now that she will come and stay with you, isn' t that going to resolve all her problems? Tell her that she will not have to stay with your parents if she is not comfortable.

And lastly, understand that every story has 2 sides to it. Your parents might be right in their own way and your wife might be right in her own.

In this case it is not that important to find out who was right..because you will always get a biased viewpoint.

What is important is that you get together with your wife and child and that they stay with you.

The second important thing is that you develop a level of communication with your wife that if there is a problem in future also - you two feel confident enough to talk to EACH OTHER about it and not involve your respective parents.

Sending an olive branch and communicating to resolve things requires a lot of strength and maturity. But I' m sure if you love your wife, you will find a way.

Hope this helps. Do post back and let us know what happened or if we can help you further...

Ritika