Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I had an intercaste marriage in India. Now I and my husband are in US since few years. I have lived a short time with my in laws in india. I have worked very hard in getting deep in their culture in every manner and took lot of initiative being homely and show them my respect and love. My husband never had to interfere in any kind of house matters since I never had made any issue of them - the short period we all were together. My in laws are loving and nice. But they do interfere in our matters, whenever we are all together. They take initiave in doing everything and once a while ask my suggestion,but many times i feel they ask only for namesake later they do what they feel right. They are religious and independent. Now with health issues of inlaws ,we have to go back to india for good. My husband says he will come soon, he wants me to go and stay in our hosue nicely and take initiatives. I have been like a good DIL so far, they were not very troublesome and I also never made issues, but I fear how i will be now. Before coming to US the days i spent with them was when i was too immatured and young. Now after some years with kids and life experieces and being indepedant in the US, I dont know how i can still be a good bahu and still be independent in everyday living. The moment I start taking discrete decisions regarding kids school or even arranging our hosue once i go there, she might feel bad. She has a goodwill of her own and likes completing all her tasks smartly. She is at many times dominating and likes to have power and keep others happy too. Also she has faced hardhsips and learnt to overcome them and feels proud of it. Since both my in laws are now medically ill ,I dont want to casue trouble after i go, i am going there to help them. They give love and take care of all like kids. But u want to have ur own space and not be treated like kid. Me and husband are sad we need to be away for some time since my husband will come to india later on. He tells me that i have sacrificed a lot and now also have agreed to base myself in india for his parents sake. He needs me to modify our hosue there,that we spent and made ourselves ,in my way and says his mother will be very happy to allow me to,... he is like ...take clear decision and show them that u really can handle things and that we still respect them and have not changed though we lived an independent life in india. I like his advice and am proud to be a daughter in law handling things where relationship matters more than money. But being a bahu and catering to needs of my kids ,my in laws health and away from husband is really going to be challenging. I have handled many things alone in life, but somehow in laws preesence and with their love I just cant behave independent.
After reading posts in the board i feel i have no problems at all.....but sometimes small things bug us and clarity in mind is absolute need of the hour. Some other issues I have not addressed and want to handle it as far as i can.
Bottom line I know i will be happy myself only if the family is happy and there is no tu tu mai mai in the house. But at the same time i salute all ladies who live with their in laws and still have upper hand in most matters. God whenever I take an upperhand may it be sensible,and not make my MIL/FIL feel I am tryig to take charge from them.
So does patience pay or will my dream of being independent and a good DIL will always be a dream? Matrix replied. When I got married, I was in the same situation. My MIL used to take all the decisions. Before marriage it was her who used to take all the decisions for the entire family. She continued the same. I was taught (by my parents) to be independant and take my own decisions and could not bear it.
My suggestion- Do not continuously wear the mask of love and respect. It increases the expectations as the days go by. Be yourself. If you do not like anything, tell it to your husband and requst him to interfer. Most of the husbands prefer staying out of household issues. But if the husbands interfer, it resolves many issues permanently.
The way your husband has parents, you too have parents. You need to take care of them even if you are not earning. They also braught you up the way your husband' s parents braught him up. Even your parents have done lot of sacrifices for you.

The best thing would be living separately in the same locality where your in-laws are staying at least for a year. You can take your own decisions, have your own space as well as take care of your in-laws whenever they need you. Your in-laws can see you as an independant person.
If they are totally in bed, I do not think they will have energy to interfer in your decisions. anita replied. Things will setle down once you start living with your inlaws..At times we feel tht we need inlaws around to support us and things will also work in systamatic manner.Having elders around you has its own advantages.I have experienced and gonee through much tough times in my life..but i did over come all that and im continuing to live my own way..i can give you one tip to follow just do things wat ever you feel is correct try to take more initatives at home and make people around you dependent on you this way you will not only win hearts but also avail authority..Sometimes follow your mil foot step tht will lead to happiness in house after all mil' s have alo led their life and they also have gone through like us..i dont mean u have to bow in front of them but alwayss balance your sujjestions and there sujjestion equally..this way u can maintain harmony..sometimes you can be frank just close ur eyes and say your heart out..it might lead to some quarrels but make sure it is compromised.Rest leave everything upto god,try to spend ample of good time with your husbnd till your stay.. Namita replied. when u have to stay with them stop thinking negative things ... dont b tooo close with ur IL' s, take their suggetions on things u do abt house ... abt. ur kids i feel it shud always b ur and ur husbands suggetions, now u vl fill ok abt. their interference or u vl adjust to wht they say but later for life time it is difficult to go the same way ... so keep safe distance .... b a good bahu bt never try to please them by doing extra ordinary things ... b as u r ... always show them ur likes n dislikes as u behave in ur own house with ur parents .... bt the way u express ur dislikes will b diffrent here ... think positive, not all MIL are bad .... u shud know to handle them, even if she is dominating ... bt dont ever try to pls. her by suppresing ur desires etc. ALL THE BEST