Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi, I have been married for almost 3 years. I and my husband stay in a different city and away from my in-laws and my parents. I am a working woman. We both were staying alone for 2 and half years and things were ok. Like me managing house and office was going on smoothly. For the past 6 months my husband' s cousin is staying with us. He came here for MBA. Initially he was saying that he will b with us for only ½ months and then goes and stay with his friends but it' s been 5 months he is with us and no sign of he moving out. Probably he is getting all the comforts here that he does not ant to go for his friends. My problem is managing both office and work is becoming tough. Earlier I and my husband used to eat at office (either lunch or dinner) but I have to go and cook. I reach home late night around 10:30 and then cooking is really tough. If his college is having a holiday then I have cook properly for him as he is very choosy about food.
And moreover we hardly get time alone. On weekends we used to do whatever we feel like. But now his cousin is always at home. Privacy is definitely affected. Please suggest how to deal with this problem.
Chandra replied. i read that msg you wrote about making lunch for the cousin....
show him where the food is, show him how to warm it up, make a few rotis for him and go out with ur husband. how old is the cousin? is he a kid? obviously not if he' s doing his MBA right? you dont have to stay back and make sure he eats his food....he' s a big boy. next time ur husband says you need to stay back and make sure the guy eats, tell him, food is there, he can eat as much as he wants. do you have to put it in a plate and serve him on the table?? im indian....and i hate indians...lol....makes me so frustrated! SR replied. Hi

Hope you' re well.

with regards to this problem.... how do you think your husband would feel if your cousin was living with you for this long?

You need to talk to your husband and explain this... and both of you need to sit down with his cousin and discuss as well.. general household chores, some contribution.. I am sure up to now he has been living free there, and help around basically. Like if you cook, give him the responsibility to wash up afterwards etc.
Yes it can be annoying if the place is really small therefore tell him to go out sometimes and give you guys some space too.. or yor husband can take you for dinner and he can either stay at home or make plans with other relatives or friends.
Introduce him to girls so they keep him busy. sss replied. hi pooja,
i understand you and i know you have to make some adjustments for your husband' s cousin.actually this cousin is not at fault in this example you have given.it was your husband who expected you would stay at home and sacrifice the trip.(my husband also do the same,always expect me to sacrifice)make him realise that the more you start sacrificing for your cousin,the more unhappy you will be.as i told you earlier dont make unnecessary sacrifices.why cant he have lunch from outside?let him be independent.he will also be happy like that instead of making himself a burden to you two.
other than that get his help whenever you need in a friendly way like in shopping etc.
i know all these things wont be easy to you but once you learn to be more cooperative,it is going to help you in the long run.see,once you have a baby,your in-laws might come and stay with you.if you are not able to adjust with this cousin now,it will be even more difficult to adjust with your in-laws in future.
so my advice is learn to accept the situations and be nice.
i myself was like you only.before my husband' s younger brother started staying with us we had all the independence.we used to eat out a lot and my husband also was cooperative and we lied occasionaly about this to in-laws.once bil came,i had problem initially.even when i was pregnant i used to make his lunch and come to office(my husband has lunch from office).but its okay.my in-laws are happy with me.my bil respect me a lot and all is well in the family.i am not saying that i am very good.occasionally i also get disturbed.
anyway,all the best to you. Pooja replied. First of all i would like to thank Dd, anita, sss and gg for your advice and solution. I feel relaxed that i was able to share this problem with all of you. I neither can discuss this with my husband nor with my parents. My husband might take it in a different way and my parents are already worried about this. As i am the only child i am brought up with lot of care and moreover mine was a nuclear family.After my grand parents it was only me and my parents. My parents are really worried as my BIL staying here is an additional resposibility on me. So cant discuss with my parents.

Dd you said that i should ask him to help me in household activities. But this is not going to work out. All his work either me or my husband do. Something like arranging his clothes and even preparing breakfast ( simple as bread jam ) and even he will leave his plate on the table after having his food. He will also not keep it at the washing place though he needed not wash as we have a maid.
If i dont do his work then my husband ends up doing everything for bil which is even more painful for me.
He is my fil' s brother' s son and my fil and his brother stay together(joint family).
When bil came to stay with us my mil instructed me strictly that i should take good care of my bil. But i can do as much as i can. I have a very good job and cannot compromise on that. If i am not able to cook at night my mil comes to know about it probably from my bil and she does not like about it. Earlier when my bil was not here me and my DH used to eat outside sometimes but none at my ils place used to know as my DH is very supportive but they now and pass comments that it is not good to eat outside. But how can they expect me to cook at night as i reach only at 10:30.

Regarding going on holiday. If i suggest my DH will not agree as he says that bil will have problem if we go out.And cannot insist as my dh might get upset. I am adjusting a lot and dont even talk harsely to my bil and my husband is also helping me at times in some household activities.
Now i feel that i dont have any choice other than waiting for him to complete his 2 year course. sss replied. dear pooja,
please dont get me wrong,but i think you are exaggerating a small issue.we women are always more intolerant towards anyone from in-laws side.do you think that is correct?would you feel the same if it was your own cousin and not your husband' s?see if you adjust a bit now for this cousin,it will make your husband love and admire you more.and by keeping these negative things about him,you are spoiling your peace of mind.be a bit more accomodating and you only will feel happy.and if you have any problem with your cooking and all,tell him directly that ' we are having food from outside,so you too please do the same' and all.he will undrstand.be open to him.try to be his elder sister.i dont think you neeed to compromise your privacy.do everything you and your husband used to do.just tell him that we are going out if you want to.be open with him.that is important.
i have my younger bil with us.(he is working in our city and in-laws are in another city).initially i too used to feel like you.but with time i undestood that he is not a threat to our privacy or anything like that.actually he is a big help now.
bye. Dd replied. Hi,
the first mistake you did was you changeed your routine for him when he came. i know may be you thought he is a guest & sometime we think for a guest we can do certain things out of the way. but he took it otherwise & felt at home & stayed back so as soon a su realised he is not wishing to move out u shuld have told him but anyways. lets talk about the solution. i think u should slowly strart doing things the way u were doing it before he came. i mean don' t prepare anything specially for him. when u r cooking for your self, prepare extra quatity for him but when u decide to eat out, just inform him & tell him to make his own arrangements. if he likes, he can cook simple things like maggy for himself or eat bread butter or go out & eat by himself. also when he is having holiday tell him do his own cooking. you will have to do the trasection slowly. & take your dh' s help in doing so. try different tactics to amke him realise, he can not stay here permanently or if he stays he has to contribute in household work as well as expenses.
about the privacy issue, do whatever u like on weekends. wake up late, do cleaning, eat some ready to cook food. don' t cook, then just go out for a movie or something & eat outside. & if he wants to accompany u, tell him very sweetly, u r going out on romantic date. dp this few times make him do his own work somehow & that way either he will leave or atleast u will have some help in the work. you yourself said that probably he is getting all the comforts & that is why not moving out. so make him do the chores in the house. just act sick sometime & ask him to do work in & around house.
try out few things & see if it helps.
anita replied. Thiskind of situation has to be handled very delicately.What i can sujjest you is try to talk to ur husband' s cousin tell him tht ur r feeling very loww now a days and u r plannig a trip back to your parents for sometime..tell him tht probably u r doubting pregnancy..coz this is the only excuse a women can give and men can undrstand how delicate this situatinds are.. tell him u can go to ur parents place only if he settles down..tell him to come back once ur r back this way atleast u can give him a hint tht he is somewhere burdening u both..let me know if this can be workd gg replied. pls let ur husband solve this problem..hoestly tell him what ur going thru...