Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi guys,

I have only been married for a few months now, and although i love my husband, im sick and tired of him telling his parents EVERYTHING.

me and him fought a lot at the beginning. lots of little differences, that were made into too big deals. First my FIL got involved, the FIL got MY father involved! my husband told them everything about our fights, and of course, because i am the girl, i got all the blame. my FIL even wanted me to go back with my father for awhile, so me and my husband wouldnt live together. but i said no, and that i would compromise and live with my inlaws instead. (my husband works a few hours away and comes back on the weekend).

I am also pregnant, with our first child of course. we got pregnant very quickly after the marriage. my FIL has brought up divorce, abortion, and who know what other thoughts he has filled his son with. My husband said these awful things to me, and i knew it was his father that put these ideas in his head.
Now my husband threatens me if i say something to him that he is going to tell his parents everything. and im not even doing or saying anything wrong!

I have tried to make things good. I am very pleasant to my inlaws, in fact they have admitted that i have never said anything to them and they are happy with me. But now its like my husband treats me with such disrespect. In my inlaws eyes, their son can do no wrong. of course. thats the say it is.

but being pregnant now, having other stuff to deal with of my own, i dont understand WHY these people are acting this way.

my husband still gets mad because of the arguments we had at the beginning, and i tell him i cant change the past. i know his father is filling him with stuff, but i cant do anything about it. im an educated girl, going to be a doctor, and these people treat me as though i am immature, and they can drag me through whatever they want.

even his sister says things to him, which he comes back and recites to me! its like he doesnt have a mind of his own, and its not something i can take!

im frustrated, sad and havent felt more alone in my whole life. its supposed to be a happy time for me, first pregnancy, i want to enjoy it, but instead i get a husband who cant respect me as a wife and treat me as such!

i wish sometimes i wasn' t indian. so i could tell these people off!!

sincerely,

feeling helpless.. Ga replied. first of all, what are you talking about? you wish you weren' t indian? you are studing to become a doctor or are a doctor then why don' t you just tell them off right now! my husband tells his mom everything and it' s so annoying! i just wanna plug my ears when he calls! one thing i don' t understand is that according to the indian mentallity, indian husbands can take their wives for granted. They can take thier wives for granted who they just met yesterday but they don' t take thier parents, brothers, or sisters for granted who they know since birth. Hey girls! do i make any sense? Chandra replied. aww, thanks guys! you guys are great. it really helps hearing what you have to say. i have tried to tell my husband that we shouldnt involve everyone in our matters. but he doesnt care and makes it a point to tell them. so last time he got angry at me for no reason, i told my FIL, and my husband got a nice lecture. they told him i am pregnant, and sick...i was a little ill at the time....and he should control his temper. he felt bad afterwards....but i know its just temporary. im just really sick and tired of him not being able to keep a secret with me. this isnt what i thought of marriage. if i knew, i would NEVER had gotten married! Namita replied. i totally agree with Vina ... whever she hve said jst go acc. to it, u vl definately b happy also follow wht gg said .... most imp. dnt cry in front of IL' s, it helps them to win their battel .... dnt show ur IL' s if u hve any differences with DH (let ur DH tell them anything) bt u show as if u r happy with ur Hubby .. rest i want to say the same wht Vina said .... i sincerely want u to follow that, dnt think u r leaving a diff. and unhappy life, this is wht most of us hve faced .. if one have cunning IL' s then this is the life girls have in their early married life ... now it is all in ur hand to win ur hubby ... blindly follow gg and vina' s suggetions .. all the best ... everything vl b good .... learn 2 njoy life along with such people, u dnt hve any other option till ur DH changes .. dnt worry b happy :) .. n congrats for ur 1st pregnancy gg replied. i can understand exactly what ur going thru ...specially whn u are newly mrrd...n let me tell u in laws def take advantage of this...they will harass u more ..mark my words..
only advice i can gv u...
number one n the most imp advice that will help u ..dont lose ur temper no matter how much theri comments hurt u ...or what they do...
concentrate ..use ur energy in spending time ..or loving ur husband...taking care of ur baby ..by eating well n staying happy..involve ur husband in ur life....on small small things...gv him lots of importance..
2nd best advice...learn to be deaf...n royally ignore ur fil...keep ur self happy ..n see u will make him feel miserable n frustrated..no matter what ..even if u cant stop ur tears ..go cry soemwhere else n not in fron t of ur in laws...
but ur husbands biggest mistake...he goes n discusses ur personal life with father...
first of all try to get close tohim..n expelain him...every husband n wife fight ...
but when u fight keep ur diffrerences in ur bedroom n tbwn urself...dont drag any1..whether its a small or big issue...
once ur with any1 ...behave normal with each other..u dont have to show entire world u had a fight ...
u have to learn to ignore all this non sense...otherwise u cant live with them peacefully...n slwly u will understand their mentallity n automatically u wil learn how to tackle them n gv them back..till that time ignore...n keep ur nouth shut...
n pls dont fight with ur husband...that too for in laws.???? nits replied. i understand ur pain friend. But as you said, u are pregnant, try not to think about your inlaws..try to focus on your baby.
As far your husband is concerned it will take some time for him to understand and trust you.
During the initial stage of my marriage, we also used to fight a lot.he didnt like me talking to my parents etc, he thought it was ok to control wife, he didnt ask my opnion on anything.
but with time my husband realized my good intentions and started trusting me.
Now he doesnt question me at all, he actually says \" i trust your judgment and decision\" , and he actually asks for my opinion on every issue.
Try to make your husband realize, you are the one who will be with him forever. you left your parents and your life and came to his house trusting him, thinking he will keep you happy.
When it comes to your inlaws, i think you can forget about it. just ve a formal relation with them and do what is supposed to be your \" duty\" . Because, no matter what you do they will never change. vina replied. hii chandra
i feel sad listening to ur story but trust me u r doing exactly what ur inlaws want u to do....
they want u out of the house,. i know all this coz the same happened with me.. be pleasant with ur inlaws talk only how much is required and politely... bas no more extra goodie goodie talk...
next be very very very gud with ur hubby no matter what,,,, now matter he scolds u just sush down and cry and just earn his sypathy,. next just earn ur hubby' s trust..c u have just come new to his life... so for obvious reasons he will trust his parents..but if ur rite and ur with the truth and not evil then u will win for sure,,, try to involve himself wiht the conversations of upbringing of your child... and about going out somwhr and mk sure to have a healty sex life,,, mk him understand ur importance n last but not the least cook anythingn and everything for him... pray to god
pls let me know what happened
coz i m posting this in the middle of the nite just for u,,, dont think i m like showing off but i wil be far than happy to know that somone is happy out thr
lv
tk cr aa replied. hi Feeling helpless, first of all, Please take care of your self and your baby, nothing is more important than that. Try to enjoy you rpregnany, its such a special time, and its when the bond between you and your baby starts to form. I had a really rough preg, because of my il' s too, now (my kid is 2), i really wish i hadnt paid so much attention to them. my husb, seems similar to yours, becasue my husb is completely influenced by his family(mil,fil,sil) too! i know that when he fights with me, alot of what he is saying comes from his mom/dad/sister, not from his mind. My ils control him in every aspect, so he tells his parents evrything too, and yes it annoys me too. I hope that you situation gets better, keep positive thoughts and be healthy for you rbaby.