hi friends.
i ve been married for 2 years(arranged marriage), as all we ve had lots of problem. the initial adjustment issues and interfering inlaws etc..but recently my in-laws ve become very nagging and control freaks. we liove miles away sill they want to interfere in each and every issue at our house. even i can bare that but they want to drive away my parents out of my life.
Since its been 2 years. Both me and my Hubby are planing to start family. whenever i look at a child, i feel like having one. but when i think of the problems we are having becouse of inlaws. i feel scared to ve a child.i dont let my hubby come near me i ve become toorepulsive to him, i just make some excuse: \" am in pain, am ill, am tired \" etc. till now he has been quite understanding..but this cant go on forever. help me friends i badly want to ve a baby, but i feel even with my baby my inlaws will say-the baby cant stay more than 15 mins on my parents lap.
they are so illogical and insensitive. am so sick of them that i dont even feel like looking atthem, eventhough we are far away we chat on net everyday. even that is taxing to me(ofcourse we chat with both parents-mine and inlaws) plz friends...i am desperate, i want to ve a child and when i start thinking abt the entire family am so worried...
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hi friends.
i ve been married for 2 years(arranged marriage), as all we ve had lots of problem. the initial adjustment issues and interfering inlaws etc..but recently my in-laws ve become very nagging and control freaks. we liove miles away sill they want to interfere in each and every issue at our house. even i can bare that but they want to drive away my parents out of my life.
Since its been 2 years. Both me and my Hubby are planing to start family. whenever i look at a child, i feel like having one. but when i think of the problems we are having becouse of inlaws. i feel scared to ve a child.i dont let my hubby come near me i ve become toorepulsive to him, i just make some excuse: \" am in pain, am ill, am tired \" etc. till now he has been quite understanding..but this cant go on forever. help me friends i badly want to ve a baby, but i feel even with my baby my inlaws will say-the baby cant stay more than 15 mins on my parents lap.
they are so illogical and insensitive. am so sick of them that i dont even feel like looking atthem, eventhough we are far away we chat on net everyday. even that is taxing to me(ofcourse we chat with both parents-mine and inlaws) plz friends...i am desperate, i want to ve a child and when i start thinking abt the entire family am so worried...
gg replied. sss....ur lucky that ur inlaws dont stay with u...
i believe in one thing after 2 years of marriage...stay with every1 but still priority should always be ur husband n children n no one else....i think by delaying childrens ur letting ur inlaws prob come in ur personal life this is worng..every girl goes thru soem prob after mrrg..biggest is in laws....
but y are u suffering coz of them? ignore the whole thing...live happily how long u will sta y like this?
yuck to them..go ahead hv babies...this way ur husband will come more close to u...
aa replied. sss, thanks for your reply, My ils not only fight with me but they also fight with my parents and brother. THey just hate that i have a pretty close relation with my BHABI (brothers wife) and not their daughter. I didnt mean to discourage you from having kids, it is the most rewarding, beautiful thing for me, even though it is filled with fear and unhappiness from my il' s. take a care
Ritika replied. ok. Can you tell us again why you are talking with your in-laws every day if they irritate you so much??
If yr husband wants to chat, let him. But why don' t you make some excuse..avoid talking to them so much.
Look, most in-laws are like this. It is upto them what they want to say. However it is upto you what you want to do.
Yr in-laws are being unreasonable and you don' t need to pander to all their whims and fancies just because you happened to marry their son.
You are letting them control your emotions too much? Could it be that you have too much free time on your hands?
aa replied. hi SSS, i wanted to let you know someting, i am and was in a very similar situation. i too have extrememly controlling inlaws, and i too badly wanted to have chidren. My marriage was not perfect, but i desparately wanted to get pregnant. Well now i have a son (2 years)and it has been hell with my ils. they control so much, like you said they dont want my parents here (to be with my kid) they are very jealous. even my husb doent want my kid to know my family. even food for my kid, should be cooked like how mil cooks, when mil comes to visit, she snatches my son from me, she thinks she is mother to my son. they want to do everything with my son, they dont allow me any privavcy with my child. first birthday party, they found out someone from my family was coming so they got SOOOO mad and didnt come...so they fought with me. they think they are number one in my sons life, i am nobody. I love my son, but i know when he is older he will be so unhappy with all of this fighting between me and my ils. Please think very carefully before you make any choice.
Namita replied. if u stay miles away how do they create prob.? ot seems ur dh is undrstnding then wht is the prb. ... write something more abt. ur prob
2007-11-26
#1
Name: gg Subject: hi
sss....ur lucky that ur inlaws dont stay with u...
i believe in one thing after 2 years of marriage...stay with every1 but still priority should always be ur husband n children n no one else....i think by delaying childrens ur letting ur inlaws prob come in ur personal life this is worng..every girl goes thru soem prob after mrrg..biggest is in laws....
but y are u suffering coz of them? ignore the whole thing...live happily how long u will sta y like this?
yuck to them..go ahead hv babies...this way ur husband will come more close to u...
2007-11-21
#2
Name: aa Subject: hi
sss, thanks for your reply, My ils not only fight with me but they also fight with my parents and brother. THey just hate that i have a pretty close relation with my BHABI (brothers wife) and not their daughter. I didnt mean to discourage you from having kids, it is the most rewarding, beautiful thing for me, even though it is filled with fear and unhappiness from my il' s. take a care
2007-11-19
#3
Name: Ritika Subject: Re:
ok. Can you tell us again why you are talking with your in-laws every day if they irritate you so much??
If yr husband wants to chat, let him. But why don' t you make some excuse..avoid talking to them so much.
Look, most in-laws are like this. It is upto them what they want to say. However it is upto you what you want to do.
Yr in-laws are being unreasonable and you don' t need to pander to all their whims and fancies just because you happened to marry their son.
You are letting them control your emotions too much? Could it be that you have too much free time on your hands?
2007-11-20
#4
Name: sss Subject: hi
Hi, Ritika,
The way you ve tackled your problem is amazing...And yes you are right. Atleast in the first 1 and 1/2 years i ve always tried to please others. trying to the " Good bahu from Hindi movies" .
In the past 2 to 3 months,i ve realizes no mather what i do, they will always expect more from me.
My adjusting and compromising nature has given them a wrong impression of me: a push-over.am certainly not that. and i ve told my father too " not to try to please anyone" ppl never get satisfied.
Thanks guys...i hope soon i over come all this silly issues and start a family.
2007-11-20
#5
Name: Ritika Subject: Re:
Hi sss,
The way you´ ve described your husband, he seems to be an understanding guy - who understands how unreasonable his parents are being.
So my feeling is that he´ ll be fine if you make some excuse for not chatting with them everyday...
I have in-laws with whom even a minute´ s talk can raise my BP. That is why I keep my talks with them to a minimum. You have no idea what a big relief it is. If your hubby is ok with it, I would really and truly advise you to limit yr talk time with them.
Bringing a child in this world can be a beautiful thing..I would not want you to lose out on it just because you think you need to talk to your in-laws every day.
You need to set boundaries here. When yr FIL abuses yr father, tell him that he has no right to do that. And if he keeps on his tirade, leave the phone and give it to yr husband. Let him deal with his abusive dad.
I think you are trying to be too nice to everybody or an ideal DIL and in the process not being fair to your own self.
And listen, if your parents want to be friends with people who abuse them off and on, it is their decision. But you don´ t need to pander to your in-laws too much...
Somebody on this forum only said long time back that " there are no victims. Only volunteers." In your case, since yr husband is supporting you, there is no reason why you can´ t put your foot down and not discuss things with them.
My in-laws would love to control me and everything about me. I don´ t let them anymore. I do not discuss anything with them. I talk the bare minimum with them. My MIL knows that I couldn´ t care less that what she thinks of me...which infuriates her no end..but she cannot do a thing about it.
My life, my baby, my responsiblity - she has no say in anything. When I gave her a say and voice in my life, she made it hell..so now she is totally emotionally out.
I care about the people in my life who love me and like me..and for the few who have a problem, they can wait for the next guy to take their abuse. Not me. No longer.
I hope you too can take a stand and refuse to hear any derogatory or pushy words about you or your parents.
2007-11-19
#6
Name: sss Subject: Hi ritika
You are right, i was working in india and husband got a assinment in china, and i had to leave my job come here. Here i ve way too much free time...
As far as chating is conserned...we chat with both our parents and my husband will feel bad if i just chat with my parents daily and not with his parents..
in other household things, i ignore there interference, i just do what ever i feel is right. But afraid if that would be possible in case of our baby.
2007-11-18
#7
Name: aa Subject: sss
hi SSS, i wanted to let you know someting, i am and was in a very similar situation. i too have extrememly controlling inlaws, and i too badly wanted to have chidren. My marriage was not perfect, but i desparately wanted to get pregnant. Well now i have a son (2 years)and it has been hell with my ils. they control so much, like you said they dont want my parents here (to be with my kid) they are very jealous. even my husb doent want my kid to know my family. even food for my kid, should be cooked like how mil cooks, when mil comes to visit, she snatches my son from me, she thinks she is mother to my son. they want to do everything with my son, they dont allow me any privavcy with my child. first birthday party, they found out someone from my family was coming so they got SOOOO mad and didnt come...so they fought with me. they think they are number one in my sons life, i am nobody. I love my son, but i know when he is older he will be so unhappy with all of this fighting between me and my ils. Please think very carefully before you make any choice.
2007-11-19
#8
Name: sss Subject: thets my worst fear!!!
Hi aa,
As i read your situation, i can see this happening to me. the difference is my inlaws dont fight with me, but they say things to my parents..which is worse...i feel helpless...
A few months back i bought a mixy for my house [there is absolutely no financial prob at our place, my hubby earns very well] still my mil got mad, that its a waste and i should ve got the old one she has in india.
We go to India once a year, and we carry cloths etc then, so there is no space for big items...
Mixy is just one example...she things i should buy stuff for my house after asking her..once she said we should stop buying dvd´ s{my hubby is a movie buff,and i love buying the documentry-NGC, BBC etc} although my hubby said we like and we wil keep buying them.
If this is the case with buying stuff for our house, I cant even think about my baby...
2007-11-16
#9
Name: Namita Subject: h
if u stay miles away how do they create prob.? ot seems ur dh is undrstnding then wht is the prb. ... write something more abt. ur prob
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Name: sss
thets my worst fear!!!
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