Role of in-laws:HELP!!!Heartless MIL & a husband who looks at porn
2004-06-23
Name: longing2bhappy
My husband is Indian (I am white/filipino) and we have been married for about 1 1/2 years... We have one little girl (10 months) and another on the way... My husbands mother is very rude to me and makes extremely nasty, unnecessary comments. She has crushed my self-esteem and is slowly driving a wedge between me and my husband. She constantly compares herself to me, for instance: Within the past 5 years I have had to recover from a serious car accident, have had surgery and radiation treatment for thyroid cancer, 2 pregnancies and I've had to deal with severe depression/anxiety the entire time... Knowing all that I have been through, his mom would rather tell me that she has been through more than me and that what I have when through was nothing, instead of supporting and comforting me... She has called me weak and she likes to hide the fact of me having had cancer because it makes her family look bad. She's made me cry on many occassions and on doing this she often just laughs and says I am weak... Of course she chooses to make me cry during times such as a week after having had a c-section, etc. times when I am most emmotionally unstable and vurnerable... If this wasn't enough, my husband is always taking up for her and making excuses for her and I wish that just for once he'd open his eyes and see what a heartless woman she is and take a stand for me. On top of my MIL problems, the relationship between me and my husband is not the greatest. Pornography on the computer has been a problem I have dealt with throughout our entire relationship and I was just wondering if it is a common problem with Indian men. Do any other wives out there have problems with their husbands and porn and if so, what solution to the problem can you suggest? As you can see, my life is filled with problem after problem and to add to the situation, we have a new baby due in August and I have to have a c-section and I have nobody to help me except for my husband's mother... So my question is, should I let them see their grandchildren? I wrote them a letter explaining to them how they have hurt me and I told them that if they were to appollogize and respond to the letter, I would be willing to start over and we would try to mend our relationship, but they chose not to respond to my letter and have not said anything concerning the letter at all. So my question is, even though they did not appollogize to me, should I let them see their grandchildren although they are disrespectful to me, their grandchildren's mother?
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My husband is Indian (I am white/filipino) and we have been married for about 1 1/2 years... We have one little girl (10 months) and another on the way... My husbands mother is very rude to me and makes extremely nasty, unnecessary comments. She has crushed my self-esteem and is slowly driving a wedge between me and my husband. She constantly compares herself to me, for instance: Within the past 5 years I have had to recover from a serious car accident, have had surgery and radiation treatment for thyroid cancer, 2 pregnancies and I've had to deal with severe depression/anxiety the entire time... Knowing all that I have been through, his mom would rather tell me that she has been through more than me and that what I have when through was nothing, instead of supporting and comforting me... She has called me weak and she likes to hide the fact of me having had cancer because it makes her family look bad. She's made me cry on many occassions and on doing this she often just laughs and says I am weak... Of course she chooses to make me cry during times such as a week after having had a c-section, etc. times when I am most emmotionally unstable and vurnerable... If this wasn't enough, my husband is always taking up for her and making excuses for her and I wish that just for once he'd open his eyes and see what a heartless woman she is and take a stand for me. On top of my MIL problems, the relationship between me and my husband is not the greatest. Pornography on the computer has been a problem I have dealt with throughout our entire relationship and I was just wondering if it is a common problem with Indian men. Do any other wives out there have problems with their husbands and porn and if so, what solution to the problem can you suggest? As you can see, my life is filled with problem after problem and to add to the situation, we have a new baby due in August and I have to have a c-section and I have nobody to help me except for my husband's mother... So my question is, should I let them see their grandchildren? I wrote them a letter explaining to them how they have hurt me and I told them that if they were to appollogize and respond to the letter, I would be willing to start over and we would try to mend our relationship, but they chose not to respond to my letter and have not said anything concerning the letter at all. So my question is, even though they did not appollogize to me, should I let them see their grandchildren although they are disrespectful to me, their grandchildren's mother?
Why replied. No, I am an indian man (descent) too. My own family member's have engaged in porn. Porn, is a societal diesease. Your MIL needs a reality check. Why have you put up with this abuse. SOOOO many people out there are in pain. Why?? Your husband, needs to and the family have a chat together. Put up your dukes, people don't change. My advice, although find your (gut) instinct answer too. Why is porn present in the house? All it does is....destroy and serve its purpose. I feel for you. Also, in-laws the good ones are hard to find. My own cousin recently got engaged. I pray for everlasting love for her. You, my dear have been dealt a blow. Stand your ground, don't give in to cultural, societal, religious, issues-ITS NOT worth it. Everyone, deserves to be treated with respect, love, and admiration. I guess, things only look good on paper!! Hang in there. Spend your time with friends, the gym, and anything that makes you feel liberated. I will pray for you. Good luck, and tell that raunchy MIL to jump from a cliff!!
damini replied. hi,
i surely can understand ur problem as i am going thru the same thing. I am pregnant n my husband n in-laws misbehave with me a lot.Thank God my MIL doesnt stay with me but she keeps a good control on his son from far. i have been suffering in my marriage since a long time.I think u should try the following things that helped me:
1) Take a help of some good marriage councellor
2) Start meditating and praying to GOD, as HE surely will help u.
3) In India we have many Guru's and I am presently taking their help like one is surya swami..u can find more about him thru net.
4) I think yoga can also help.
5) You can consult some people in some good women organizations who may help u.
Hope this will help u...
Any help, do write me
thanks,
damini
longing2bhappy replied. I find the easiest way for me to express my feelings is by means of poetry and this is the present poem of my life:
The diamond's lost its sparkle,
And the band's no longer round.
The gold is tarnished with disappointment,
With no luster to be found.
A once weightless symbol of unity and love,
Has become heavy with the burdens of separation and hate.
A ring placed with the promise of unconditional happiness and companionship,
Is now a shackle of loneliness and pain locked by the hand of fate.
Of course the diamond can be cleaned.
And the band...
Polished and reshaped.
But for how long will it be before the band becomes distorted by another argument?
Or the diamond becomes dirty with the filth of hurtful words?
And as the ring becomes heavier and heavier,
Will I be able to handle the weight?
----------------------------------------
These are the thoughts and questions presently going through my head... Yes, I love him very much and I want so bad to have the perfect, happy family with my beautiful daughters... But at what cost? Is it worth my self-esteme, my self-respect, my self-worth, my sanity?
Passing Guest Girl replied. My husband is not Indian but he is from that subcontinent and has similar culture, and my own story has similarities to yours. You do not know me but my heart goes out to you. My name is different than yours and I come from a differnt part of the globe than you do but know that I feel deeply for you as if you were here next to me. My relegion is most likely different from yours and is the center of my life and still I feel so much pain for your suffering.
Because you are a woman and I am a woman. You are the victim of injustice by another woman (ML) and I am the victim of injustice by another woman (ML) too. I hurt for you, and I feel so sad in my heart for you. Only God knows how time and again, I felt jabs of pain at my chest as I read more and more of your sad letter. I wonder who you are where you are and why he married you. So many thoughts go in my head but no words come out of my mouth. As harsh as the reality may be, to speak the truth is to speak something undesirable to a woman with one child and another one on the way. To speak the truth may seem rash and hasty and wrong, but if you look into your heart, you know what you should do.
Look deep inside yourself and know that part of the answer is the realization you have to make that it seems to me you are in a completely uncompromising situation. You mother in law is set against you and your husband fuels her hate and her malice. It has been going on and on, and to the point where your tears do no justice to their posionous ways.
In regards to your mother in law and husband's supporting of her injustice towards you, know my friend that for a person to not feel a tremor of sympathy in their heart when they have made another cry real wet tears because of HER points out to the diseased condition of their hearts and poison in their souls. When you have layed out your whole heart in a letter and sealed it with your own tears and still they have not acknowledged your suffering, your pain, your existence, your HUMAN HEART than know that these kind of people will not budge at any life circumstance or emergency you experience (like your C sections) because they have shut you completely out of their system. Their hearts are shut, blackened to a point, then there is a veil between them and you, and the rest of the body is blocked off from every sensing your existence, your pain, your feelings, your suffering.
The reality is you are nothing to them, and mean nothing to them, and the children.. only God knows what the rights of the children are in this situation .. but I doubt they will make things better between you and them and you sharing your grandchildren will anything for YOU personally.Since the whole marriage you have been running around trying to make everyone else happy, everyone else pleased with you, and all you are left with is a heart tattered and worn to the threads, and a crushed spirit. And now to share God's gift of children with people as cold hearted as them to me personaly is simply WRONG. They don't deserve it. Enough is enough.
Furthermore, all the signs are there, I dunno what are you waiting for. What are you waiting FOR? He's not going to change nor ever be the man that you want, need, and crave today. Maybe he was once that guy you envisioned for yourself, but he isn't anymore, and defintly not long term material.
I really truly think you should leave him. Get real and see that he will never be the kind of man you want him to be for so many reasons. And as hard as you have tried to support the whole marriage, you're still not together and happy as you have enviousoned and having the kind of life you dream to live one day.
He is not, and never will be the kind of man you want him to be, nor be the kind of devoted family man that your kids really need.
Just the fact that he blindly obeys his mother is sickening enough. Anyone that BLINDLY obeys anyone without investigating or searching for the truth and yields BLIND unyiedling obedience to their desires, or society, or even their parents ignoring the morality of the situation, the good and the bad, without putting God's pleasure at the summit and doing what would be the right and best thing to do that God would be happy with him/her doing, is truly ignorant.
Meera, seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave, and don't give up on your life. There is a way out. Don't him nor his mother nor anyone in your way of happiness win over and get the best of you.
Listen to me. Losing him won't matter. It will be YOU that will be found.
If you are in the USA please let me phone you. My own marriage has similarities with yours. Maybe we could benefit from each others saga.
Take Care,
A Passing Guest in this World
m replied. Dear Friend,
Is your MIL staying with you.
If she is far away, just neglect her.Indian MILs are born that way. They are simply heartless. Moreover, they have the habit of criticising their DILs who are not Indian.
And please don't be an emotional baby. Never display your tears in front of your MIL. They will take advantage. Be strong. If you are weak now what will you do in future.
Why don't you call your mother for your delivery.
2004-09-25
#1
Name: Why Subject: Lets rumble.
No, I am an indian man (descent) too. My own family member's have engaged in porn. Porn, is a societal diesease. Your MIL needs a reality check. Why have you put up with this abuse. SOOOO many people out there are in pain. Why?? Your husband, needs to and the family have a chat together. Put up your dukes, people don't change. My advice, although find your (gut) instinct answer too. Why is porn present in the house? All it does is....destroy and serve its purpose. I feel for you. Also, in-laws the good ones are hard to find. My own cousin recently got engaged. I pray for everlasting love for her. You, my dear have been dealt a blow. Stand your ground, don't give in to cultural, societal, religious, issues-ITS NOT worth it. Everyone, deserves to be treated with respect, love, and admiration. I guess, things only look good on paper!! Hang in there. Spend your time with friends, the gym, and anything that makes you feel liberated. I will pray for you. Good luck, and tell that raunchy MIL to jump from a cliff!!
2004-06-29
#2
Name: damini Subject: going thru the same thing
hi,
i surely can understand ur problem as i am going thru the same thing. I am pregnant n my husband n in-laws misbehave with me a lot.Thank God my MIL doesnt stay with me but she keeps a good control on his son from far. i have been suffering in my marriage since a long time.I think u should try the following things that helped me:
1) Take a help of some good marriage councellor
2) Start meditating and praying to GOD, as HE surely will help u.
3) In India we have many Guru's and I am presently taking their help like one is surya swami..u can find more about him thru net.
4) I think yoga can also help.
5) You can consult some people in some good women organizations who may help u.
Hope this will help u...
Any help, do write me
thanks,
damini
2004-06-26
#3
Name: longing2bhappy Subject: A poem of my feelings
I find the easiest way for me to express my feelings is by means of poetry and this is the present poem of my life:
The diamond's lost its sparkle,
And the band's no longer round.
The gold is tarnished with disappointment,
With no luster to be found.
A once weightless symbol of unity and love,
Has become heavy with the burdens of separation and hate.
A ring placed with the promise of unconditional happiness and companionship,
Is now a shackle of loneliness and pain locked by the hand of fate.
Of course the diamond can be cleaned.
And the band...
Polished and reshaped.
But for how long will it be before the band becomes distorted by another argument?
Or the diamond becomes dirty with the filth of hurtful words?
And as the ring becomes heavier and heavier,
Will I be able to handle the weight?
----------------------------------------
These are the thoughts and questions presently going through my head... Yes, I love him very much and I want so bad to have the perfect, happy family with my beautiful daughters... But at what cost? Is it worth my self-esteme, my self-respect, my self-worth, my sanity?
2004-06-28
#4
Name: Passing Guest Girl Subject: Nice poem!
That was such a beautiful, deep, and insightful poem. Did you write it? I used to write poems on a need basis too when I was younger.
Its amazing that you have come to such a realization and finalization in your lifetime at this point of time. No one likes divorce but sometimes its the best thing you know? And I definitly don't think your self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth, and sanity are worth compromising for any MAN.
Your life, your daughters lives, and your health, happiness, and welfare are far more important than a continous cycle of pain and destruction that only makes things worse. A lot of people after comming out of a bad marriage feel so relieved afterwards. Remember its not where you start out in life but where you end up. Further, your children are an investment in the future and moving out of that lopsided house can be so good for them in the long run. God-willingly you will benefit from their upbringing in many ways in the future.
But anyhow if you would like to chat on the phone and would not mind chatting with someone of a different relegion than your own, I am up for it provided you are in USA :) I have a good nightime plan on my cell for long distance calls in the USA. We can exchange email addresses perhaps first?
You can email me at xsxtx99x63 aol com, and provide your email address as well too please.
Take Care
2004-06-24
#5
Name: Passing Guest Girl Subject: Listen to your Heart
My husband is not Indian but he is from that subcontinent and has similar culture, and my own story has similarities to yours. You do not know me but my heart goes out to you. My name is different than yours and I come from a differnt part of the globe than you do but know that I feel deeply for you as if you were here next to me. My relegion is most likely different from yours and is the center of my life and still I feel so much pain for your suffering.
Because you are a woman and I am a woman. You are the victim of injustice by another woman (ML) and I am the victim of injustice by another woman (ML) too. I hurt for you, and I feel so sad in my heart for you. Only God knows how time and again, I felt jabs of pain at my chest as I read more and more of your sad letter. I wonder who you are where you are and why he married you. So many thoughts go in my head but no words come out of my mouth. As harsh as the reality may be, to speak the truth is to speak something undesirable to a woman with one child and another one on the way. To speak the truth may seem rash and hasty and wrong, but if you look into your heart, you know what you should do.
Look deep inside yourself and know that part of the answer is the realization you have to make that it seems to me you are in a completely uncompromising situation. You mother in law is set against you and your husband fuels her hate and her malice. It has been going on and on, and to the point where your tears do no justice to their posionous ways.
In regards to your mother in law and husband's supporting of her injustice towards you, know my friend that for a person to not feel a tremor of sympathy in their heart when they have made another cry real wet tears because of HER points out to the diseased condition of their hearts and poison in their souls. When you have layed out your whole heart in a letter and sealed it with your own tears and still they have not acknowledged your suffering, your pain, your existence, your HUMAN HEART than know that these kind of people will not budge at any life circumstance or emergency you experience (like your C sections) because they have shut you completely out of their system. Their hearts are shut, blackened to a point, then there is a veil between them and you, and the rest of the body is blocked off from every sensing your existence, your pain, your feelings, your suffering.
The reality is you are nothing to them, and mean nothing to them, and the children.. only God knows what the rights of the children are in this situation .. but I doubt they will make things better between you and them and you sharing your grandchildren will anything for YOU personally.Since the whole marriage you have been running around trying to make everyone else happy, everyone else pleased with you, and all you are left with is a heart tattered and worn to the threads, and a crushed spirit. And now to share God's gift of children with people as cold hearted as them to me personaly is simply WRONG. They don't deserve it. Enough is enough.
Furthermore, all the signs are there, I dunno what are you waiting for. What are you waiting FOR? He's not going to change nor ever be the man that you want, need, and crave today. Maybe he was once that guy you envisioned for yourself, but he isn't anymore, and defintly not long term material.
I really truly think you should leave him. Get real and see that he will never be the kind of man you want him to be for so many reasons. And as hard as you have tried to support the whole marriage, you're still not together and happy as you have enviousoned and having the kind of life you dream to live one day.
He is not, and never will be the kind of man you want him to be, nor be the kind of devoted family man that your kids really need.
Just the fact that he blindly obeys his mother is sickening enough. Anyone that BLINDLY obeys anyone without investigating or searching for the truth and yields BLIND unyiedling obedience to their desires, or society, or even their parents ignoring the morality of the situation, the good and the bad, without putting God's pleasure at the summit and doing what would be the right and best thing to do that God would be happy with him/her doing, is truly ignorant.
Meera, seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave, and don't give up on your life. There is a way out. Don't him nor his mother nor anyone in your way of happiness win over and get the best of you.
Listen to me. Losing him won't matter. It will be YOU that will be found.
If you are in the USA please let me phone you. My own marriage has similarities with yours. Maybe we could benefit from each others saga.
Take Care,
A Passing Guest in this World
2004-09-25
#6
Name: Oh yeah. Subject: Help.
Love it. Your reply is awesome. God knows, my family has tried to seperate my sister from her inlaws. I don't mean to stereotype but Hyderabadi people are awful!!! The one's from India. This has been my experience. I am glad that you are helping this lady. I wish that I can physically help everyone of you. Prayer's, good people, and surroundings work for me. Let's all hang in there.
2004-06-25
#7
Name: longing2bhappy Subject: you are right
Your reply was most definately an eye-opener... and couldn't have came at a better time... Yesterday my husband and I got into an extremely bad argument... He went as far to call me a racist and that he's just my "brown" servant that makes money and buys things for me (and this is by no means true, concidering I am of multiple ethnicitys myself)... also he went as far to say that I don't have a culture because I am American and he also made the statement that my parents did a poor job of bringing me up, especially my mother because she is white (my dad is half filipino)... But he insulted me repeatedly and I concluded with the fact that this marriage is not going to work and that separation, leading to divorce must be and that I can no longer suffer in this marriage... We will go through with the separation once the new baby is born and I am so very scared because I don't know how I will manage... My health is against me and my self-esteem is so diminshed that I don't have the strength to pick myself up and start anew... But as I said, your reply could not have come at a better time and I thank you for your kind words of heartfelt advice... as for chatting on the phone... perhaps that would be nice for both of us...
2004-06-24
#8
Name: m Subject: heartless
Dear Friend,
Is your MIL staying with you.
If she is far away, just neglect her.Indian MILs are born that way. They are simply heartless. Moreover, they have the habit of criticising their DILs who are not Indian.
And please don't be an emotional baby. Never display your tears in front of your MIL. They will take advantage. Be strong. If you are weak now what will you do in future.
Why don't you call your mother for your delivery.
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& Answers to Topic : HELP!!!Heartless MIL & a husband who looks at porn
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No need to go anywhere else.
& Answers to Topic : HELP!!!Heartless MIL & a husband who looks at porn
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& Answers to Topic : HELP!!!Heartless MIL & a husband who looks at porn
I feel that my husbands parents are using their son. My husband is from India and I am from the USA. He obtained his greencard and citizenship through me after coming here. He is a physician and obtained his residency training. I worked to earn for our family for two years until he got his job. Then he applied for his parents to visit us on a visiting visa. We were both wo... - Tina Shah [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
I agree they have completely double standards as I recently found out. I saw my husbands childhood photos when he was young. His parents claim they sacrificed everything for their kids and lived poor and behave like martyr parents. Got treated as free domestic servant. But the photos showed them dressed like Bollywood stars with watches and jewellery enjoying their life. O... - Tina [View Message]
RE:self centered inlaws
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve. ... - Tina [View Message]
RE:Jadu on food?
Hi , I am facing the same thing.. I married my husband and we are not only from different caste but also different country. My in-laws are so nice to me on face but I can sense the jealousy and that inferiority majorly in my mother in law and my sister in law.. I never had such doubts but I experienced pain sadness , depression while they use to be nice .. and it was confu... - Noname [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
you think that excess sugar given to him by your mother in law, and thats why you are worried about your son, so dont take stress of this thing, your son is little now, after some years, he will stop eating sugar by selfly.... - nandita [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
if you are dont like your mother in law behaviour then tell her on face, that you dont whenever she gave sugar to her son, so she may be stop giving sugar to him, and your porblem will be sort out.... - kamna [View Message]
RE:Mother-in-law spoiling my child
hello kajal,
if you are rudely talking with her, then this is not way to talking with your mother in law, you tell her in polite way, your son is her grand son, so she never think about his bad effects.... - ruchita [View Message]
Lets rumble.
going thru the same thing
Name: Passing Guest Girl
Nice poem!
heartless
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