Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

hi friends,
Today i am feeling really very sad.Though all this happens with me once in month appx.& then things comes to normal but when all this happen i feel so low & takes too much tension.So many time i hv answered u all but cudnt find one for myself.

Today also i dont know from shud i start.Lets start it from beginging...7 yrs back whn i got married.
We stayed with inlaws.They didnt spend too miserly on our maariage. My hubby is well to do & inlaws hv lots of bank balance still they didnt give a single gift to me after my maariage even on festivals & acc to rasams.Sometime if they hv given they were of very cheap quality. But their expectation from my parents was very high.Never happy. Though they didnt torture me physically but insitaged my hubby somuch that today also he dont like my family. They all didnt allow me to work.Didnt allow to wear nighty, even has problem with shiffon suits. Dont like if we go out alone or to meet my parents...So many other issues which cant be covered in this msg.Just i can say it was a hell then.

My first pregnancy was a miscarriage & they didnt help me, left me to stay with my parents.
Never called me to ask my health.

Later we seperated due to his job.It took me years to come a normal track.
When i got pregnant again, we were taking precautions to avoid second abortion...even had lots of problem in the initial term, but they never once called me to ask my health.My mother came to help me as i was on bedrest. Then i went to my parents place for delievery. In our culutre delivery happens at IL' s place but i had no option I knew my MIL is of no help though her health is fine.And also they didnt ask us abt this..just a week bfore gng they ask my hubby that if i cud cm at thr place but at last moment..was just a formality so that they can say that we called but u didnt came.

Though i m still happy that it happened at my parents place , i was so much relax. My parents took all the pains & stress. Apart from hospital expences everything my parents beared. They were happy to do that but i just want my hubby to realize this...his parents didnt even came to see my baby till 2days . They were living only 1 hr away from my parents place. Even when they came, it was such a formality, and wht they to baby was also low quality items.None of inlaws & family called me for congratulations till 2days.

They are only interested in what they r getting.
My hubby has deposited lacs of amt in thr account before marriage so that they can use its interest and if needed they can use it.Now they dont even accept it in front of our BIL' s...i find this so mean.I will not talk to such parents if they were mine.
We shifted to our new home ...nobody called to wish us.We went abroad for long term , nobody called to wish.

There r so many other issues also..cant write now .
But main problem is that my hubby wont realize or discuss it with me.
And he calls me biased whenever any matter comes.He fights with me that i m the one becos of which his family dont take interest in him. Sometime i myself sit & think that hv i did this but dont find ans.I cant take anymore rejection from his family want to just cutoff from them, keep formal relations like they r doing. Though we all live away from eachother.But when he says all this & doesnt let me do anything for my family. I love to give gift but wants the same affection from other side.My siblings give gifts and i want to give them but my hubby always has objection. I want to maintain this thing with for the sake of my respect..hope u can understand how it feels.

I feel so alone in this world...even hubby is introvert, hv friends but not very close.If he keep avoiding my family and his own family doest keep relations with him so who will be thr for us.How i can leave my family for no mistake of thr? How shud i maintain relation with his family if they dont understand our feelings or if they all very mean & miser.Also i feel that they r jealous of us, bcos whenever i meet them they comments that we can easily aford but they cant. I hv never made them feel down..never in my thoghts also.
Their behaviour is such that i feel rejected to talk to them but my hubby thinks that i avoid them & love only my parents.
He himself doesnt care for my family...even call them matlabi , jabki they hv helped in all our difficult times.He calls it their ' Farz' & dont feel that they also hv their own problems inlife & not bound to help us.

Hopw u all will understand my situation....tried to explain my problem.
SG replied. Thanks for replying.I feel that all of u r right in a way esp Ritika & Sonu.

Actually i dont expect anything from the as they hv done nothing for us.
Maybe i m expecting more from my hubby to realize that how mean they all r.But he is the only one whom u can rely.We had good relation otherwise but when it comes to anything related to my parents..he leaves no chance to blame my biased behaviour & that i m the one who talk so highly about my family people but they hv done no such thing.And then i cant stop telling him how wrong his family is done with me.

Now if they dont call me except on birthdays(woh bhi der se hi) so how i can keepon calling them...I hv told him that if u think we shud call then why dont u call them every week/day.If he will call then maybe he realizes how it feels if noone replies.
Then thr r so many incidences when thr behaviour was so selfish that i dont feel like calling them relatives.
My mil has always made an issue of degrading my parents.

So i cant repsect them but for the sake of hubby i m just accepting as they r.Yes if wud hv understood then life wud be better.
I m thinking of joining a goodyoga/ meditation center.Job i dont think i can do right now..maybe later :-(

But do try to increase my social circle.My life has changed a lot in thse yrs but for it i had to fight myself.Also God supported me in my fight.pur ab aage himmat toot rahi hai...agar aise hi chalta raha.


nits replied. Hi SG,
i can see your pain, although my situation is different.
i really dont what you can do abt ur in-laws, but i think if u cant change something just ignore and move on..as far as hubby is concerned, keep on trying, may be some day he will understand( my father understood the mistakes of his parents when he was 50+) i know its too late.(but better late than never)
In the mean time have good relations with ur parents, dont care how ur hubby or in-laws feel abt it, talk to them oftern and share all the good things happening in ur life, u will be happy thinking they are happy.

also try to find some work/join some carity program/ make new friends and devlop a hobby,u ve a kid na make paly grous for the kid. all this will help take your focus from problems. sonu replied. hi Sg

It really feels like u have got my life...
I have had the same treatment not once give a gift after marriage....even when i got married my mum paid for my mangal sutra and rings when that should come from the husbands parents....but when it comes to my family they then moan that they haven' t given this and that...But now it does not bother me as god has given me enough and i dont expect anything from them...and if they now say anything to me about my family giving i turn around and tell them that did ur son get married to me because of money...i am 3and half months pregnant second time and my inlaws have not even called me to congratulate me so i know how u feel....dont worry u better of without evil people like that...u just concentrate on urself.
Its now diwali on Friday and i just find out from my dh who spoke to his sister that diwali is going to be at my mils brotheres house adn they are all going there but my mil has not called me or my dh to even let us know....i will be working on friday so probably would not be able to go but atleast they should have called and notified us....my family too have bee a great help during and after my pregnancy and even now wheneve i ask them they are always there but my inlaws have never helped....i am close to my family because of that and i go there all the time as they have been there for me in my bad times...my dh does talk to my parents and family but he will never acknowledge that his family has not helped. But to me that does not matter as he behave properly with my family.
Inlaws never change and every day they will do something to get on ur nerves or to upset u...it does hurt even though we try to be strong but then we have to get on with it. I now ignore them they didnt even call me on friday to wish me happy birthday and then they tell my dh that oh we called but no one was at home...well if we was not at home we both have a mobile u should have called on there like u do when u have to call anyone else...
but i just mention the point to my husband and leave it at that as long as he knows what they did even though he does not do anything but one day he will have enough and say something....Until our dhs dont speak up we have to carry on fighting a battle with them and hope that one day our dh will understand and speak up...Until then good luck and be strong Ritika replied.
Hi SG,

After reading your post, I feel you have 2 issues. One is your expectations from your in-laws and one is your expectations from your husband.

Expectations from In-laws - Think about how realistic they are? And how much does it really affect you?

You want your in-laws to remember and celebrate each milestone in your life with you. You want them to take care of you in times of need and want love and affection from them. You want them to give you gifts that are worthy of your family' s status.

Now for the last several years, you have not received any such thing from them. Isn' t it time to modify your expectation from them and stop feeling sad every time they fall short on your scale? Its like beating a dead horse.

You' ve lived most of your life without their presence. Now since you are living separately, why give them so much control over your emotions and feelings??

Expectations from husband - One is that he should love and care for you. The other is that he should join you in discussing & criticizing his parents.

There is a difference between him sympathizing with you on his parents behavior towards you and him actively disparaging his parents. The latter will very rarely happen because frankly no child likes to hear or say bad things about his/her parents. Just as you don' t like your hubby saying anything against your parents, similarly he also does not like to hear anything against them (however justified).

So until you both reach that level of comfort with each other that you can discuss your parents and not start fighting, I would sincerely advise you to drop the subject for now.

Stand up to your in-laws when they say anything mean to you but after the episode is past, don' t keep pounding your husband with it. You will just be spoiling your own marital life.

Maintain relations with your family, but if your husband is always finding faults with them, then do not discuss them with him also for some months.

If you stop discussing both your hubby' s and your parents for a while, you will be doing yourself a BIG favor. A big chunk of your fights/arguments will be gone.

Don' t think that I' m just saying these things for the heck of it. I too have similar in-laws. They never ever wish me for anything..not even for my birthday..even when my MIL' s b' day is just a week before mine...and I usually send her a cake, flowers, card, present etc from my hubby and me. She' ll send a card for my hubby but not for me. For my pregnancy, she couldn' t care less and the moment she found that I was having a girl (in US, you can find that out), she totally ignored me and stopped asking about me. After my delivery, she told people (in India), that I had not had a baby yet..and when some relatives that I had called personally called her up to congratulate her, she said, \" what' s the big deal in having a baby? Everyone in the world has them. There is no need for so much tamasha\" .

So what do I do? The thing is when I do something for my MIL/FIL, then I make it a point to mention it to my hubby that I hope they will love this cake/flowers/ gift etc. They are away from us, so we need to make it extra special for them etc etc. Then when my in-laws do not reciprocate, then I just sigh and tell my husband that \" your mom didn' t wish me\" and LEAVE it at that.

Husband are intelligent. They know what' s happening. They will sympathize with you if you don' t start giving them guilt trips every time something like this happens. At least that' s my feeling.

As long as people you love are happy for you, why are you waiting for a certificate from your in-laws to be happy? What does it matter if they never wished you when you went abroad or brought a new house? Yes, I admit it feels bad at that moment, but after some time, focus on the people who are happy for you and did wish you when nice things happened to you.

Your message reminded me of a story about 2 buddhist monks. They were going somewhere when they met a pretty young woman beside a river. The woman asked them if they would help her cross the river as she did not know swimming and was afraid of crossing alone. One of the monks agreed and took her in his arms and crossed the river. The other monk did not say anything. After the river was crossed, the woman thanked the monk and went on her way.

The 2 monks continued their journey. After they had walked several miles (and several hours) in silence, the second monk suddenly burst out at the first monk. He said \" how could you carry the woman all the way across the river! We have taken a vow of brahmacharya. How could you let a woman come so close to you!\" . The first monk smiled and said \" I just did a humanitarian deed and forgot about it. I left the woman on the river bank 5 hours back, but you are still carrying her! Who is holding her more close? Your or me?\"

I hope you understand. Parents are important but you should not let them become your only topic of conversation with your hubby.

take care... SG replied. I think i cudnt explain myself clearly.
My hubby doesnt interact with his family much bcos they dont involve him but he will not say this directly to me.He just say its my nature.
But my parents family is quiet interactive, not interfereing, but concerning.They hv always helped us, cared for our health, so why shud i mk them feel leftout. Till now only my hubby behaviour is like that but if i also behave rude or nonconcerning, nonhelping ,after smtime my sibling or thr partners will start avoiding us which i will not appreciate. so why shud i behave like that but my hubby wants this type of attitude.He dont care that i m just trying to give the love i m getting & to get respect u hv to gv love, help to youngones.

He doesnt realize his family attitude but will surely make me realize if any small thing happen from my parents side.
I wud like to keep in touch with his family but so many years i tried but no result so fed up. Dont want to break the realtionship but just want to keep the way they r doing.
I dont directly say anything to hubby but if i hv to anything for my family, he comments to be biased & doesnt let me do properly then i feel frustrated & ques him that how can he call me biased? He doesnt hv ans but as all husbands r ..when they say smthing, they think that it shud be followed in the same way.
Here i m not just talking abt giving or taking gifts but its more abt love & affection, caring eachother.
I can carryon my relation with my family by force as i m doing till date but fed up of all this...want smooth life.
Other than this thr r not much issues...i do hv my friends, regd job only i feel sad when i think that if i had a job i cud hv done wht i wanted. My hubby knows my potential...i m managing my home.At present my child is my priority...lets c later.
I do involve him whatever i do.He too asks me in his matters.

Now u all tell me how will u react if ur inlaws dont call to wish u on imp milestones in ur life other than bdays.

Also they r not available when u need smone to be nearby u , to take care.

ur inlaws dont like ur relationship with ur parents & insitigate ur hubby against them.
Never gave u anything...though i dont want anything from them but then i also dont feel like giving.

Above all ur hubby comments that u r the one bocs of whome they hv behaved like that.
They lived with me for years, i really tried to maintain the realtion but now after so many incidences & so many years what shud i do more? Dd replied. hi SG,
I feel so much for u.
It can be very hard when the person for whom u left your family & with whom u r to spend your whole life with does not understand u.
Earlier today i did not try to reply. because i can not truly understand your pain bcs my situation is very different.
I don' t have much to say to u but try to be strong & try to make him understand. also i assume u r in abroad now so u can get many opertunities to join workforce. try & explore if u can get a job. be it even a small job, but it will give u lots of confidence. also even if your hubby is introvert, u make new friends & call thme over, do some acivity with them & involve your hubby also & have fun. slowly he will start enjoying compony & your relationship will improve. than u can make him understand why u have to behave like that with his families.
Also u can post here whenever u feel lonely & fustrated.
Namita replied. i dont want to say nythng abt. IL' s, what else we can expect from them? but atleast ur DH shud understnd ...... was it that in earlier days of ur marriage u showed much interest in ur parents then in ur IL' s? why is he so much distinguished abt. ur parents? if he have agreed for seperation and u both are staying away from his family, then y is it tht u both still have prob. .... i think ur story is like ... u hve major prob. with SIL bcoz of whom u hve got seperate ... then when ur DH understnds u so mcuh tht u feel pain over there and not comfortable and u both are staying seprate then wht is the prob.? y cnt he accept ur parents?

can u brief abt. it? as far as i remeber u had written (just clarify if i m wrong) u had prob. with ur unmarried SIL, n IL' s only listen to wht she says, one day bocz of fight with SIL ur DH got angry as ur IL' s was on ur SIL side and now u both are staying on rent, m i right?

if u can put some light on my question i vl reply you by tommorow .. till then dnt think much, at times u cant help ourselves leave it upto God