Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi gg,
I feel so deeply for u after reding your reply to sad girl. I thought (after reading your replies to massage in past few weeks,) u have become strong enough now to fight for your rights & getting your mantal peace. but after reading your last reply i think u need help too to get justce for yourself.
Name: gg
Subject: hi
Date: 2007-10-25
i am shocked 5 years u hv gone thru all this that means i am going thru all this since last 2 years ..n it will cont all our life...what kind of a life we all have? bloody hell what hv we done to deserve this i life?

u don' t deserve this. infact nobody does. u need to standup & fight for yourself. slowly try to convince your husband to separate & leave peaceful life.
i know u had said earlier to someone that even after alll this u still strongly support joint family. but may be that is not the right solutions in many cases. i was talking to one of my friend who is very social like me & leaving nuclear & she said it is so hard bcs we have been bought up in close family , we feel lonely in nuclear family, but beleieve me its worth for our mantal peace. when i was leaving nuclear in another country i use to feel very lonely & use to think our life will be much bater back home.
Now after coming back here & trying to keep everyone together for 3 years, i have gone nuclear again. its being very hard for me. being in my city & with having close relative of my side & few friends in city, still we can' t go to anyone to share when we feel lonely, upset or sad. i will continue my post tomorrow as i have to leave now. gg replied. i dont know y my mil behaves like that ...she cooks up story that we harass her ..not only me she will talk about her sons too..n they take so much care of her..she will wear such old clothes just to show world that son n dil do not care for her...its so sick of her...believe me i have never come across mil like her..i am better off now..initally on small small things i wud go to toilet n bathroom n cry ..thinking y she is lying about my husband...
my hubby too knows but they take things so lightly they dont react if my mother wud hv done this i wud hv made her life miserable ....n made her change her behavior in 2 days...

infact we dont even harass her ..my sil nowadays stay away from home she comes n goes to sleep...my mil grumbles a lot about her ...but she runs away from home coz of my mil if she keeps her mouth shut that will bring peace at home n she wont go out..she donest tell any1 that coz of me she avoids home...
tell me one thing who will take care of my mil in her old age ..ultimately she has to come to me..then y she is behaves like this? all the time insecurity is around her?
i should be insecure from her ..she takes away all my husbands money...she dominates me..plus she takes credit of everything ..i should be jealous of her...
no comments on mil..
i think we shd come across some monster daughter in law on this site ..n we shd take advice from her...
u know those bindu n shashikala types...
SG replied. why in-laws create problem i dont even understand...they must hv seen people of thr same age living alone...kids living away(sme city, another city or abroad).
When they r alone they hv to mng everything all alone. We r young so its bit easy for us but not same for them. Still they cant adjust with children. Agar bahchce kahin ghoomne jana chahen ..or want to meet thr friends or bahu want to do job , IL' s cant mng ...though all these r happnen mostly in initial 5yrs.
Why they dont realise if thr son is gone they hv live entire life alone.
I hv seen many couple getting away from thr parents though they dont fight for getting seperate but make sm or the other reason...

Even they cm to thr children place for few mnths they become headache to them.


Dd replied. Hi gg,
i am back.
I can see by your reply to SG' s post u r admiting u need to do something about it now but u r really confused.
Even i have very good relationship with all my mil' s relatives. My mil is also from same town & her parents, 2 brothers & sister leave withing 2 km radius. they also r very much comfortable with me. sometimes even more than my sil bcs she is tempramental.
I know it can happen only if your dh agrees. it was good in mine & my friend' s case that they agreed & decision to go seprate was finally taken by themselves. It will take u some time. In my case it took 9 years bcs my dh is very much attched to his parents & brother. he even feels for her sis but can' t tolerate her anymore. We r also anticipating that they will come and stay with us in future & we r ready for that. but bcs it will be in our house, we will have some more say in things then.
Don' t say directly u want to go seprate, but slowly make him realise.
See if possible send your mil to someplace i.e. holiday or to some realtive' s place for few days on some pretext very tactfully. then do things u wouldn' t get chance to do in her presense. your dh will like that freedom. and slowly do this evry 3-6 months. so he himself will strat thinking. Don' t talk aboput it openly. I aM not able to talk to her relatives now freely but it is temporary bcs we haven' t declared that we ahve gone seprate. my mil thinks so much about hat people will say. but sloly they all will come to know & our life will be normal after that. I think they have got the hint but they spoke to me as usual when i met them 3 days back. we r not telling about the problems we had. but we r enjoying our freedom & peace.
Things will improve for u if u make effort.

Keep in touch.
love
Dd gg replied. dear dd,
i still suppport joint family ..not the concept of joint family u can say but i cant live without my husbands family i will turly miss htem if i go sperate ...i am not saying this just for hte heck of it..i really get along with them touch wood...u must hv read in my earlier posts u much i talk about my husbands family ..even his far off reatives ...i cant live without talking to them one single day...they all are really nice...buuuuuuut t mil is the only prob i have trust me..i hv no words to describe her ..she is such a pain ...she is like a rock even die in front of her she wont melt...i hv never come across such a bad person in my life she is worst than a criminal..atleast they kill on the spot but my mil will kill every sec...she kilss mental peace ..of a person she has psycological prob..u know i hv bn talking about my sil...she too is fed up now of her...most of the tiem she avoids her now instead of confrnting her..
but mil is so dominating n her sons are so scared of her that they will never leave her...infact my sil openly spoke to her husband asbout seperating y' day she called up to me ..whn i was on my way home..he openly told her he cant stay without his mother..but i wonder when they wanted to marry that time how much they confronted hteir mother ? for what ? i think all such guys shdnt marry they must live with their mothers all their life...y they need wife? i hav egiven all hopes of having falmily of my own ...my own house ..all mylife i will be staying with my mil...n she will be ruling my life...my mil is very diff she wants to do everything ...n wants to take the credit of everything ...non stop she will preaise her self n some 1 praises me or sme1 comes n ask me for soemthing in her presence she will get jealous....she will fight non stop...she will say i am dead that u ddnt ask me n ur asking her..she wants to be imp all the time...she wont do any work ..but the memnt my husband n my sil husbands comes she will start doing work ..she jump in kitchen ..then she will start i did this i did that ...she is such a put off...only thing she takes care of my daughter well...
i am in touch with my husbands relatives without my mil' s knwoledge no one will talk to me in front her...she deosnt like me talking to my sil too staying in house under one roof...we dont even look at each others face...when we go to off we call each other...
i can understand y people dont want daughters their mrrg is headache n parents too get them mrrd jsut for the heck of it...girls mrrg is like ek sar se boj utar gaya..they wont even find our how the girl is ? i hv seen my aunt blackmailing n lecturing my sis...pls go back...now ur mrrd its ur family parents are not imp only ur husband is imp..sick mentality... SG replied. I dont like the idea of living in joint family though for me living with parents doesnt mean a joint family.

But the way they take our mental peace its better to live alone. At least we dont hv to depend on them for our decisions. In joint or with inlaws, if we go out v hv to tk permission, which depending on thr mood. V cant easily call / go to our friends. They will look meticulously at all our expences.
We cant take decision abt our kid future.Become sandwich bet hubby & his parents .

If smone has loving and understand in-laws then its a different situation. We can depend on them and leave our kid on them ...can go movie, shopping etc. They can enjoy thr old age with us.
But for this thr has to respect & love from both sides.

With sil & bil, its actually not possible nowadays.