Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

i am writing on the first time on this portal.
like most of DIL i am facing same problem of MIL.
my problem is my mil ,my hubby is her blind follower, a typical mama boy, doonot have faith on me at all, whatever she says he follows blindly. she is very very political in nature.
she has habit of putting blame on me for everything that happens wrong.
she has made my husband against me my parents my realatives which is very intolerable, he accuses my parents who are innocent, they say that they are teaching me how to play against inlaws which nobody have ever taught me. my husband doonot goes out with me he always wants his parents to accompany wherever we go which at times makes me feel very uncomfortable.
due to undue support of my husband my inlaws says all nuisance to me. whenever my sister comes to visit me they create scene in house start fighting which is really in bearable, they doonot let me sit with my sister even for an hour unnecessary tell me works which is intentional tell her that your sister is very bad she is jiddi inobidient she doonot know house hold work
they want me to work like maid and obey all orders like a slave whenever i want to go to mama\" s place they all starts fighting, however now i go according to my wish but they are unhappy. i have 1 year old baby, my life is like hell for each and every wrong thing i am responsible. my sil is equally very bad towards me, every weekend she comes with her husband and try to humilate me very badly, for each decision at home she is being consulted and not me.our house is getting renovated and interior are getting as per her wishes , to my surprise the person who actually stays at home is nobody to suggest, they ask sugesstion from him and not me. all valuable documents of my husband and his salary is under strict control.
if he is nice with me they make faces i doonot know why they have married there son if they could not bear him happy with his wife, waisee most of the time going by their words he is unhappy and fighting with me.
he has also physically tortured me very badly in past i think till last year but not now as i gave him damki that you raise hands on me i will call cops.i m highly qualified in a decent job , they try to take all my slary from me.
they ask me to bear all my child expenses plus also bear some house hold expenses.
i feel very bad abt it, when i was not earning no body was giving me even 500 rs monthly for my pocket expenses, till the date i joined job my parents were catering all my expenses even bearing traintickets to their place my mobile bill my clothing everything.
in their house if call of my parents came they all will stand near and hear what i am talking
when my brother gave me mobile they badly protested becoz they cannot see talking freely
they doonot allow me to make friends
they say colony lady are not good they spoil you
house is like jail my mil is like jailer
if i protest on something they all starts screaming and accusing me very badly to such extent that no body could dream
i am from very open minded family where dil are being respected and given a feeling of being memeber of home
i thing now a days what behavoiur they give to me is not even acceptable to maids
if i feel like quitting but stop at thought of my son.
but normally fight s happen quite frequent so there is lots of tension negative atmosphere at home lots of argument every body blaming and pointing on me, at times this all is quite embarrasing
i could not understand what to do
i am financially independant shall i quit or wait for the day when my husand becomes supprtive i am very confused. i am married since 5 year and situation have only improved only 10 .
what shall i do i feel to confused plz advise me.
sometimes i feel thati also want love of my companion
true heartly love which i see no where in my husband he doonot trust me, nor cares for my happiness. he is actually happy when i am sad
will life go like that only.
plz guide me sonu replied. hi sad girl.....
i now want to read a message from u saying happy girl...
You have taken alot in the last 5 years and now its ur turn to stand up for ur rights cause if u dont then no one will come and help you....i agree that give ur inlaws respect but only if they give it to you otherwise they are in no position to get respect from you and for ur husband well what can i say he should know better.
Dont ask them if u want to go to your parents house why should u ask them. just tell ur husband on the day u are going and if they listen to your telephone converstations....ask them do they want something.....or just talk openely infront of them taht will bug them. If they know it bothers ur what they do to you they will do it more to you so just be upfront and dont take and rubbish from them....
And dont give ur salary to them for what do they go to work for you?????
And if that all fails then like all the other friends on the messages say just leave...u dont deserve to be treated like this...u are human not a dog....
i was treated like rubbish for 2 years though must say not as bad as you and then i opened my mouth and now they dont talke to me directly but they wind my husband up and when he goes to visit his parents he comes back and dosent talke to me for a week but i let him do that and ignore him cause at the end of the day i have done nothing wrong...i must be such an important person in their life to always talk about...my inlaws dont live with me but they might as well have as they cause that many problems for me....but i put them in their place and now they dont even talk to me unless they have to which is fine for me....obviously it bothers my husband and he expects me to always ignore and forget what they say but i cant forget what they did to me during and after my delivary of my son....and my husband has never supported me so i took the decision in my hands to stand up for myself and u know what they will never change if i never spoke up they would have carried on verbally torturing me...so speak friend and be strong i know its hard when u dont haev support from anyone but u have support from ur family just like i do so be brave..
i wish u all the best and good luck and do keep us updated..

love to you sonu xxx Namita replied. I strongly agree with Ritika and SG' s post \" practical advice\" .... bt to practice sg' s advice u need to be strong and expect and accept the worstest situation in ur life ... u hve one negative pt. ur child bcoz we try to avoid fight for the child so that he should not suffer bt do something .... facing abuses and ignoring wont help u, i agree with Ritika ... u can take help of some friend or best i ur parents, ofocurse no parents will immediately ask to get seperate, bt try to talk to them abt wht u r facing dont hide anything, this will help them to take rational decision ... if u vl hide few parts from them saying they vl get hurt, but, then they vl ask u not to think of seperatio for small small things, so give them clear picture.

Now i m becoming bit personal and i m sorry for this as i m younger to you but, plsssss dont go for 2nd child .... bcoz seperation with 1 child as u r a working lady is ok .. u can manage it ... bt. 2 children becomes difficult ....

One more thing Seperation is not something bad tag ... think of ur and ur childs life .... infact u vl b much more happier and ur child and live in a healthy enviornment .... this people vl nver change, only hope is ur hubby .... if u feel he wont change, spk to ur parents try to stay at ur mothers place for sometime ... b firm ... i know thy wont allow u to go ... bt try to b firm .... n then decide .... SG replied. dear gg,
u r right..if we directly ask hubby to choose between parents & us , they will surely choose thr parents.

When i was in her situation, after 1 & 1/2 yr of marriage we had big fight whr my papa came to take me home for a week & my hubby told that if i will go i can' t cm bk..so it was a momentarily decision that i took to go. After that he didnt call me for a month then chose other ways to call me bk like dhamki that if i dont cm i cant cm ever & so..but i just told him that i want my freedom, liberty.God only knows from whr i got the courage.
After few mnths i went bk...life was not so easy then also as i was still living with inlaws.
It took almost 4yrs for things to change but still i hv my grieviences of past,present.And ' sad girl' has spent 5yrs..not so easy.

So dont say directly abt seperation but talk abt the issues which r creating problem..otherwise they all create a hungama that this girl want their son to be away from them so u only be in bad image.
Hope u can understand how to handle..its all momentarily..as it comes, u cant plan.Imp is u hv to tk a bold step after so much torture. gg replied. same liek namita my sil' s husband use to hit her..imagine newly mrrd couple mymil created fight between them ..it was after this my sil started harassing her..otherwise she is also a very nice girl....now he doents n he has become pucca joru ka gulam now..but no use when she said to sepperate she says no he cant live without his mother... SG replied. Hi ,
Felt pain to hear ur exp but not shocked as i know inlaws do behave very badly...they hv the power to behave as bad as they can spl if thr son is dumb.
Believe me most of the boys r dumb only for those issues which r related to thr in-laws & wife, other decision of thr job etc they take as they feel.

Now its time to tk a decision..enuf is enuf..u cant waste ur whole life thinking that sm day sm miracle will happen.Regd ur son u cant let him grow in an environment like this.Today its one child tomorrow u many hv another then decision will be further more difficult.

Make up ur mind, wait for sm issue to arise in a week or month, when u can stand & say that u cant bear anymore & gng to ur parent' s place. This will be jhatka for them.Stay at ur parent' s place sm time..then u can think rationally wht step u shud take.
In the mean time if ur husband sincerly understands that u hv beared a lot & they were illtreating u then u can discuss with him abt future(weather u want to stay with inlwas or not, sil interference).Jot down on paper abt incidents of torture. It will help u to discuss with him.

Next month dont give them ur salary, invest in sm monthly scheme & tell them that u hv to put this much amt everymonth so cant bear all household expences.Tk ur child education or life insurance policy.

I am not telling u to divorce him but he needs a jhatka..by this way either he will change or u will realise that he will never change..though dont expect complete transformation.This can be the only practical solution as of now.

My life changed for the better after one such kind of jhatka..though that phase as very very painful....cant forget even for a day.

If u continue living in such place...u will hv no future at all.

I dont think marriage counsellar will work in ur case.Also ur hubby will not go thr as of now.

Pls update us. Ritika replied. Hi ' Sad girl' ,

After reading your post, frankly even I feel sad.

I don' t know how you are coping day in day out...being financially independent is a plus in your case. Don' t EVER give your salary to your in-laws. A husband (and a family )who did not want to spend even a penny on you after marrying you...he is not much of a man or husband.

To be honest, the only way I see things improving between the two of you is if you and your husband start living separately.

Do you live in a metro city? Can you get hold of a marital counselor? That might help...specially in convincing your husband to rectify his ways.

Is your family supportive of you? Do they know the extent of your abuse? Please keep them in the loop.

The decision to quit or not has to be totally yours in the end. Jot down the negatives and positives that you feel are there for you in this relationship.
Then decide.

I will say one last thing. Many people will advice you to ignore abuse and treat it as a way of life by considering it as your fate. I am not one of them. I think a human life is too precious for it to be wasted away in misery and lack of emotional strength in standing up for yourself.

I would start with finding a counselor in your city and starting therapy. That will help you in clearing your mind and showing you a future map of where to go and how to go about it. gg replied. i am shocked 5 years u hv gone thru all this that means i am going thru all this since last 2 years ..n it will cont all our life...what kind of a life we all have? bloody hell what hv we done to deserve this i life?
i use to be so innocen when i got mrrd ..my mil too is so cunning expert in all this..
i dont understnad one thing how they procduce such obedient sons i dont know ?
my mil too always use to say this to me ..that htey are repenting for getting their son mrrd to me...one day i back answered her ..ur repenting na..then now u have life of 2 sons in ur hands ..dont get them mrrd save their life...
that day onwareds they stopped ...u know mine was love mrrg my mil stood by me n convinced every1 for the mrrg..but from the day i came back from honey moon she started toruring me...i dont knwo what was the reason bhd getting me mrrd ?
but hats off to u...
my home too is like a jail god alone knows when i wl get freed from all this?
soemtimes i to get fed up ..right now i am crying coz i have to go home for the dake of my duahgter ...n my mil has got jhatka n created big scene at home for no reason ...
i did all the work at home last sat went for diwali shopping n came after 5 hours she is still fighting with me..coz it seems she didi all the work...i dont know what work she did coz by eveng i was bakc to do dinner ...i was away in afternoon time ...sat/ sun she wil tortuer me like anything ...i dont knwo from whr she gets energy to talk so much...all the time u will hear her taunting... Namita replied. U are facing so many things, u are really strong, but at times this strongness becomes our weekness, if we try to be more stronger this people try their best to torture more ....

Your problem is such which needs a experts advice or a expreienced advice as i m married just for 2 years

I feel firstly u try some how to convince ur DH .... i can understand, as i have also faced few things what u hve written, my MIL use to point out about me to my husabnd and then when he use to fight she was always happy and after he abused me physically then this maharani will come and try to console him .. not me .... now the things hve changed, i thank God for this atleast i dont face physical abuse in front of family members which was too embarasing ....

so i suggest u to speak to ur hubby slowly abt the things going, point out how much u do, try to tell him tht they create scene to spoil ur relation with each other ... i m sure at first he will not agree or rather he vl blame u but be smart tell him one by one ... first see his reaction then talk to him abt. his parents .... i m sorry i could not give u valuable feedback ... i expect other experience lady to help u

Quiting from marriage is suggested if u personally feel that ur hubby will never change, then just following the dramas, rona dhona everyday is not atall worth .. tommorow no one from this people will come to help u