Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Should you be friends with you devarni even thou your inlaws don' t like her. My Sil did love marriage with my devar (hubby' s bro) family doesn' t care for her at all. Don' t know if i should help her out ?? Ritika replied. Hi Sana,

From what you told me, your SIL is being treated pretty badly by your in-laws. It is very natural for her to vent to you since she might feel that you can empathize as another DIL. So just listen to her or if you are feeling uncomfortable then change the topic and talk about some other stuff. If you feel that she is trying to dig info out of you, then just say that they have been rather nice to you so you can' t say much. Then change the topic. :)

My point is that you should make your own opinion about this girl and not to get influenced by how your MIL or FIL is treating her. You might feel ambivalent towards yr in-laws but if they are being mean towards this other girl, then she would be feeling very bad right now.

At home speak to her pleasantly and include her in what others are doing. If everybody is ignoring her, then don' t join in that. She is also now part of the family and being in a hostile atmosphere would not be easy for her.

You asked in your original post whether \" you should help her out\" . That means you know where and when you can help her. Follow your conscience. It is the best guide.

About taking her to the party - do what you are comfortable with. If you and your friends will be accepting, then do so otherwise don' t. You don' t need to invite her to your friend' s party if you don' t want to.

A family get together for a close relative on your side is different from meeting with a set of friends. So make your choice based on your own comfort level with everybody involved. Dd replied. hi Sana,
You r so right. yes we can express truly what we feel without any worries on this board.
Answer to your question - NO
you don' t have to invite her in your personal friends circle. but u can take her along sometimes in your close relative circle from your side. in my friend' s cirlce if its a gettogether or party i don' t invite her but if its a festivle like we go to friends place during holy & such at that time we invite her along. My parents ,brother, sister leaves in same town so for certain festivals when they come to visit, we take them along. like for diwali we visit relatives place from both side & they come along with us. then for kite flying festival in jan, they come every year & we go to my sister' s place bcs we enjoys it more over there so we take them(bil & co-sis) along. last year my brother' s daughter' s b' day was around diwali when they were here. he had not invited anyone other than myself, my dh, my sis, her dh & son only. so i did not ask them to come but i took there little daughter with me & my sil also brought her devrani' s little son along, bcs kids can enjoy them selves together.
see i am telling u all this so u can take a clue & decide yourself when to take her along or not.
if she is nice later on u can be good friends, but build your relationship gradually. I hope this helps. Dd replied. hi,
U r doing right thing by not joining her in bad motuthing your il' s. be friendly with her but don' t pour your heart out to her now may be later in your relationship if u become close & confident about her motives then u can share. keep the relationship frendly but formal. i have same relationship with my devrani. though she never talks bad about our il' s directly but always tries to get it out of my mouth but i don' t give in to her. sana replied. Thankyou so much for all your replies - and i was being friendly with her all along but wasn' t as close to her as a friend should be - well this weekend we were alone and only thing she did was bad mouth my mil and fil. I agree and disagree with her comment about them but i don' t know her well enough to join her and tell her what happen to me. My inlaws are not that bad (they have their faults but so do i) - My hubby and I are the one who convince everyone for her to come in our family but seems like she only wants to be friends with me to get information out of me or bad mouth my inlaws.... SG replied. oh..i was wtng for monday to come so i can read all replies & new queries, maybe we want to share our issues or maybe we feel relax if find that smone else is also in the same position like us.
Its actually difficult to share much with people who know us.
Anyways bk to Sana, I think nobody including u on this board will say not to help,sympathise.
Love marriage is nowadays is not such a bad thing that we shud avoid the girl & if so then why only DIL. Thats just an excuse for thr rude behaviour.
Be friend with her. Put urself in the similar situation & imagine wht u wud want from the family at such time.Do the same....then later u can c how SIL carries the relation with u.
But along with it take care of ur relation with all family members as much as possible. U shud try to convince ur hubby to do the same then u will be able to help in a better way. Ritika replied. Absolutely help her out!! Your in-laws are behaving like spoilt kids and trying to disrupt the married life of their son, so that later they can say, that is why love marriages never work etc etc.

But really, let them hold their petty grievances. Don' t carry their enmity for them.

As Namita said, your SIL must be feeling really lost and unwelcome right now and if you help her out at this stage, you two can develop a bond that will later on also hold you in good stead.

Both my hubby and his brother had love marriages but because I was from a different caste, my in-laws ill treated me a lot. When my SIL (devrani) came into the house, she saw the difference in the way she was spoken to and the way I was spoken too. There have been so many times that she has spoken up for me..even on occasions that I have ignored some things...she has come to my defense and argued on my behalf. And she has told our MIL that the way they treat me, is not the way an educated family behaves, and that they are very hypocritical in saying that they are very god fearing but at the same time ill treating me for no reason other than my caste.

We have become thicker than thieves and are great friends. My MIL hates it and would love to see us fight, but thankfully till now she has not succeeded. :) Namita replied. i would say ur devrani is blessed and bcoz of that she is having a family member like you around her 24 hrs. ... it is very difficult to stay in such a home where everyone dislikes you, u are like an angel for her so help her out .. i m nt saying to go against ur inlaws wish or do wht they dnt like bt b clear tht ur relation with her will b normal as if any other girl would hve come in ur home as arranged marriage ... definately help her, remember if we help someone needy especially emotionally then that persons blessing are very much powerful n really helps us in difficult times .... b good to ur devrani, no partiality let ur inlaws behave however they wnt to, bt u share all ur love and everything with her as u would hve done with any other girl of ur caste... hope my words work on u ... i m just thinking of tht poor girl in ur family and at other end an angel like you who wants to help bt is in a dual mind ... hope this helps to makes ur mind clear