Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

I' ve been married 4 years and dont speak with my inlaws. They are not nice people. First when i got married none of the family made me feel welcome they are not really a close family and dont do things together. I cooked,cleaned and done everything to keep them happy and be the good dil. But my mil would comment on the food that is was no good and anything that i done wasnt good enough. My sil does not know how to cook, she can only make this one english dish which my mil would make so much of a fuss as how nice she makes it. Im born in the uk so im very westernized aswell as very traditional. The sil would go out all the time with her boyfriend, she would come home and do nothing, once a mth she will clean the house and my mil would go on about how much work she has done. All mil does is talk about other ppl, making horrible comments, or about who' s daughters done wot and who' s sons done wot. i had nothing in common with them. My sil would pick on me which i tollerated none of it. So alot of arguments started from then with all the family and my husband would argue with them on my behalf. We moved out about 3 years ago, had our first child. We had arranged to have a party in a hall for our childs first bday, but again inlaws ended up ruining that so we had to cancel it, which really upset my husband. He said fair enough they made our lives unhappy and now they have started taking it out on our son. So he made the decision not to see them anymore. I say to my husband that its not good cutting them off for good, he says to my you can put up with all this arguing but i cant and plus he will never forgive them for ruining our childs first bday which will never come back. I feel this isnt right to cut them off for good and feel that we are missing out. But if i talk with my husband about this he gets angry he says he is happy without them, so how come im not and its not even my parents. Pls could you give me some advise. Namita replied. I agree with gg, dnt invite prob' s in ur life ... one day they vl come back and ur husband will develop sympathy for them and then ur life vl b horrible .. so stay away from them, dnt interfere in ur husbands feelings ... he is angry for right reason, u r infact lucky that atleast ur husabdn is realising there mistake ... by pleasing ur in-laws or by forcing ur husabdn to make up all the realtions again wont help u in any sort ... he is their son one day he will go to them, so right now dnt force him, or if u force him to go to them and they again start their dirty play and rubbish talks about u, ur husband vl blame u, he will say now u hve to face bcoz u hve invited them .. so stay clam everything is normal and vl b normal gg replied. if it wud hv bn my in laws they wud hv blamed me only for this situation they wud hv said this girl has made our son go agianst me i think dont interfere btwn them coz when they come to u they will make ur life miserable ...one day they will come defienately till that time enjoy ur life ..hv a godd time Dd replied. Hi,
I am in similar situation.
Ritika is correct. Give it some time. I am also doing the same thing.
its been over a month since we r separated from in-laws & my dh' s is very angry with his mother & not talking to her casually though he talks to his father about formal issues, about the day to day expanses & necessities. My mil wants to give us lots of thing to start our new house but he doesn’t wish to accept & so he bought me all the basic necessities to start the house. I am also very confused. Instead of feeling very happy about this new freedom which is good in many ways, I am feeling bad about it. But now I am starting to come out of it slowly & I know after some time my DH will be same good son with his parents as we both r feeling guilty about leaving them alone at this old age. I have unmarried elder sil who is very similar to your sil in nature & my mil is same about her as your mil. My il' s feel sorry for her state & so give in to all her whims & does not support my DH in many things even if he is right so we got fed up & left house.
In your case after your sil gets married, situation, may improve. But we do not have that hope also.
I am talking to my mil whenever she calls but she talks about take this & that and I have to say that talk to your son about it. But they r not talking to him because he rarely gets angry and when angry no one can dare talk to him. I am ok with whatever I have & don’t wish to take anything from them but I can not refuse without being rude which is not possible for me because of my soft nature. So I am avoiding meeting them or speaking to them to avoid the situation which is giving me stress. I am trying to overcome this stress.

I was unable to express but when saw u in similar situation I got courage to express my confusion also.
I know instead of solving your confusion I have expressed mine but I guess in knowing my situation u can get solace for yourself. Ritika replied. Hi Neesha,

Your hubby is justifiably angry right now with his parents. Don' t push him too much right now. So DROP the subject.

Don' t discuss the in-laws topic for some time...time will cool some of his anger...I agree that it is important that he does not sever his relationship with his parents but you sitting on his head and forcing him to do it, is not going to help. It will just antagonize him.

After a few weeks/months, he will himself start missing them somewhere in his heart. Then you can ask him to call them up and just talk to them...also, maybe when the next birthday of his mom or dad rolls around, send across a cake/flowers and a card...this would help in proving a point too that they were not big enough to celebrate their grandson' s first birthday but you are bigger than them.

Don' t go overboard in trying to bring yr husband and his parents together. Sometimes the best healer is time and I would suggest that you give your husband some of that. He has been hurt deeply (more than you in fact...because after all they were HIS parents and its hard to accept that your parents can be mean towards you) and you are not helping matters by insisting that he resume normal relations with them immediately.

Put your confusion aside. It is happening because you would like to have an ideal happy family around you and the normal wish to have grandparents around your kid showering love and affection on him. It is a nice thought and might very well happen in future but for now, I would be more realistic. A little distance will give everybody involved a nice breather and time to think about what they said or did wrong.