Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

Hi everyone,
Firstly i sympathise with all indian bahu' s condition including me ...Is there mil reading this board. Pls advice us.
What is & whr is actually the problem lies?
R we modern bahus expecting more from our life or ill' s dont want to give us respect & want to treat us like an object.
Our intial few yrs goes in all these tensions & all & then when we come in power after 4-5yrs we actually start hating our ills to such extent that we cant bear them for a min even when they r right or they need us or love our kids.
We r not able to forget the time we spent in crying & till date sometime have arguments with hubby abt being biased or rude to them.
How much shud we think that they DH' s parents.Even we hv parents who hv broght us up in the same way as their son.So we hv responcibilities towards them also.
Some differences r understandable as they r just due to generation gap but jealousy, greediness, rudeness, r not acceptable.Its like bearing mental torture.If they r not husband' s parents we wudnt hv beared them for a day.
Even our husbands dont support us..directly never...indirectly rare.Where shud we go whom to say...to our mother. At this age its not right to give them tension & also they will be called the one who instigated us.
This board is doing very well & hope it bring happiness & relaxation to some bahus.
But our fight is our own...we only know the real situation for how to tackle it.
Ills prob is one thing which has no solution..even it looks solved but never is.
Even if they live seperate ..they r always there.
More man shud read this board msgs...maybe then we can find some solution. If they understand how to love & handle both sides..htr will be no problem.
If they stop blaming us for being rude / bias towards thr parents.
I m fed up of all this keep scratching my head to find a way to be away from all these problems & hope that my hubby observes whats happennig..but he will not care for any damm thing his family does...They dont care abt us all but want us to keep in touch with them but if some small thing happen from my side & most of the time without reason also he always points it & makes an issue if i back ans it.

Oh God Help all Bahus & give them the courage, patience & resonability to face the situation.

Hope next gen inlaws wud be different...by experience.
All of u post ur comments & advises to deal with inlaws without losing selfrespect.
veeru replied. I agree with all the ladies who have typed this message, sometimes i thought i am the only one who is suffering but i guess i am not alone... my in laws... they are so cunning they always want my husband to yell at me.. they keep finding excuses so that he shouts at me.. i dont know how to handle them.. even though they live seperately, they have a problem with me... infact.. four bahu' s in the family.. all of them literally cry coz of their behaviour... and husbands think their parents are the best in the world... SG replied. Hi everyone,
We promise to each other that we will try our best to be good SIL for a new member adding to both the side of families.
Add in future try to be the best MIL. I think every DIL promise this to herself in every generation but in jealousy & insecurity to loose the son very few r able to fulfill the promise.
We also sometime want to forgive & forget but smhow its not possible.
If the husband who is main kadi to bind 2 sides understands & make my both sides feel their priority then thier will be very less prob.Parents
once comes to know what their son wants dont create issues.If girl speaks they dont like to listen from a member who has just added into the family but they want all sewa & manners from her like she is living with them from decades.

Start meditation & yoga.
If u r working save some amt for urself.
If not then ask boldly to ur hubby to give u sm money apart from daily monthly expences.
Financial security is also imp.

No pt in arguing him abt his parents so it do it very rarely.
If u dont like ur in-laws just keep ur relation formal since u cant completely avoid them.
We hv to fight for our rights ourselves by anyway. Since today will make base for tomorrow.

Thanks all of u & we will keep sharing our tensions to relax ourself.

Namita replied. JS and SG

you are right .... ihave few friends who tells there mother how to behave with her DIL .... one have asked her moher to stop following old customs are atleast not to impose it on her DIL .... one tells her mother never to beahve partial, like while preparing food, shoping etc. .... this a way we can atleast make other DIL (brothers wife) happy ... my friends tells me that i dont want them to face same thing what i went thru at my IL' s place ... and bcoz of this one of my friends relation with her SIL(brothers wife) is so good that once when my friend was at ther mothers place and her son was not well, my friend was in office her SIL(brothers wife) called and asked her that can i take ur son to Doctor, so tht atleast he will take some medicine b4 u come home ... see this a very good example .... let us not be partial and not let our mothers be partial to the new lady joining our home .... I always tell my DH that u forgot to mention ur parents that u are bringing a family member in this house not a servant gg replied. ur so right ...i am not boasting about myself but if u read my mss u will realise what all i did to impress my mil my prob was only mil mil n mil.
she made my life miserable she showed me hell in this world.
inspite of ebing from the good family she treated me so badly n made me do everything which i cant tell any1..i hv discussed all this on this board only no one knows...
she harassed me so much when i was preg...i took all her non sese..thinkin gone day she will like me she will realise my worth but her heart is harder than rock..n never bending ego...
then came my sil..whatever my mil did to me my sil is doing 100 times more than that to her. u dont believe she made her swap floor for her my mil told her to clean one unused bedroom of ours n asked her to move there all of a suden my sil fell sick her husband took her for a walk n told his mom to keep bed room ready for her n had to do she felt very bad but ddnt say anything
n i did so much for her all the time i was behind her i wudnt go loo without telling her i use to gv so much importance but now i hate her no matter what she does for me u wont belive i uset to leave my house do all the cooking make all the breakfeast still she wud bring out one topic to fight n i use to leave hoem without a drop of water inspite of being preg
n now she soaks almonds for me daily to eat but now seriously i hate her i dont have that respect for her.
maybe i have that attitude nmow that no one can take care of her like me..
n this a fact i hate her n this feeling will never change ever in my life....
i will never 4 give her ...now i pray to god dont pity on her let her pay more just as the way she did to me..
tell what is the use of all this?
whatever she didi to me was unnecessary..
coz i was very nice by heart if i have changed its coz of her she is responsible JS replied. Hey SG..you r verymuch right...each and every word reflected my feelings and opinion...
IL' s-they create their owm laws and that laws varies to their daughters and DIL' s.I read it in a magazine this interesting Laughter-a lady has a son and a daughter,both are married..Her friend asks to that lady-How is your son-in-law?that lady replies\" oh! i am very lucky to have my son-in-law,he doesnt leave my daughter to do any work,he takes her to the hotel,beach,and do shopping in the weekends..my daughter is so lucky..Then,her friend asks,how is your DIL?she stops for a while make her face serious and tells that...oh!my DIL is very lazy,she does' nt do any work,she always wants to go out.she wants my son to take her to the hotel,in the weekends she wants to roam around and spend lavishly for shopping,my son is very unlucky that he got such a wife\"
Jus compare both the situations...this kind of attitude is there in most of the In-laws..
as everone like yourself(SG),myself,sonu,D,namita and those silent observers in this board feel that we should be good inlaws in the future..it might take another 15,20 or 25 years but now itself we can take an extra step..
1)those who have brothers-we can make our mind to be good SIL.,of course our mothers are good but they too will have that traditional MIL' s attitude...we can jus point out when they are wrong.just because they are our parents we should not encourage them for their wrong act against their DIL.,
2)Be friendly with our SIL.,make her comfortable at her new home,ask her suggetions and make her to feel she is one among the family.,
3)very important, not to poke our nose in their matter unless and otherwise any suggetion needed...
4)Last but not the least.,make our mind set that our rights with our son lies until he gets married,then the girl(DIL) takes care of him.,they will be matured enough to handle their life,we should watch them from a distance, the happy life they are leading with our grand children...
i pray this is not just the wish but should happen in realty too............ Sana replied. Your msg is so true!! i lived with my inlaws for three years and just moved out. Now my new sil in there with them. My mother in law keeps saying to me that the reason i keep you bhaboos so you know our way of living. I still go eat dinner at her house and see what she does to her and remember my days. Why??? does she do that?? I can' t seem to forget and dil' s it just hurt us..it doesn' t hurt them. anyways lets make a promise we will be not the MIL that our MIL' s are!!
PROMISE???
aa replied. All of you DIls are right! and i know that each of us has our own situation, but it' s so nice to come to this board and read how others are doing/feeling. I just cant forget how my inlaws have treated me, and what they have said to me. i will never beahve this way with my sons future wife. i just dont know exactly where things started to go wrong, all i know is that for the last few years things have slowly gone sour. i cant even talk around my IL\" s withiut thinking again amd again.so many times they will take what i say and spin it in so i look like the rude person, so now i just say hi/bye, etc. no thing extra! i wish all of these DILS some happiness even if we can only get it froim our dear/innocent children. jooti sonu replied. Hi

Congratulation on typing such a brilliant message...You are right in everyway..u hit the nail on the head with ur message....
Everyone is also right if us dils can learn from the experiences we have gone through then we can all become better mils ourseleves for our children. You are so right that the intial mental torture is to much that in years to come when things mellow down its hard for us dils to forget what they did at first. I am the same...no matter now how much my mil or fil will make an effort it will have no effect on me as i have gone through alot with them that its hard to forget. Been accused and blamed for things i haev not done or said and its not only then they involve the daughters to....
its right if it wasnt for them being our husbands parents we would have told them where to go along time ago.
Well i hope god gives all us dils strenght to put up with inlaws and hope we can become better inlaws ourseleves. UG replied. Hi SG! you have described it so well, each and every word is true in my case also, even being very quite and calm, DH says, u must be doing something that' s why they get instigated, i' m just unable to manage the situation, just helpless.
Namita replied. I agree with you, all that u have written, each and every word is true ... infact even i keep on thinking that where exactly is the problem? does the prob. is with me? today i m really frustrated(will put my msg. sometime latter, today i m feeling very much down).

There was a talk show going yesterday hope all inlaws in the world have seen tath including mine... there all eminent personalities from different fields were invited eg. psychologist, soicial worker, house wifes etc. ... to summaries the show it showed that IL' s showed give some freedom to there DIL instead of naggin on what she does and constantly forcing themselves in the newly married life of there son ... FIL should slowly give all responsiblity to his son instead of telling son to give his money and power to father etc. etc.

it was a nice show .. hope all IL' s sees this d replied. I was very happy to see ur query here. It really shows what kind of problems DIL' s r facing.No matter how much we try to explain Huband' s they can' t see anything wrong in IL' s. IL' s r always correct and they won' t lie. But when DIL tries to explain that her parents are also nice people no husband will believe(at least my husband won' t). I also think about IL' s problem on and off and the only thing I can do is pray God to give me courage to face them and give me peace.

I haven' t have any solutions to deal with inlaws.

Also, if in frustration DIL replies back to what IL' s say then that point onwards her life becomes more of a hell as she faces more accusations. No matter how much I explain my husband won' t see the problem in my point of view. He also says that we r young people we have to suffer nd his parents r old people so we can' t hurt them.

I think that if today' s DIL' s make a promise to herself that she won' t behave in the same way as her IL' s behaved with her, I think then next generation DIL' s won' t face problems as we face now.