sorry to call you out. Im posting on this board coz I think you are active here. I wrote a while back about my MIl issues. A quick recap - she' s been here for 3 months and leaving back to India in another 6 weeks. After a lot of initial problems (and an angry outburst when she called me scum) things were getting a little better for a while. She' s still the same curt,rude and reserved personality. I tried to keep peace in the family by talking to her a lot,engaging her in a lot of conversations, taking her out and letting her bond with the baby etc. Now all of a sudden ,she' s started throwing tantrums since last nite - why because me and my dh didn' t pick the nightwear that she chose for the baby. (she' s not even 7 months and MIL picks a 12 month outfit,my baby would sink in it) She refused to eat(ate after coaxing from hubby) and drink her milk and despises me to the core. I tried to act natural ,maintained the same level of conversation ,but she royally ignored and was rude to me.
This morning I thought she' d be better after a night' s sleep ,took my baby to her and made my baby wish her grandma ,MIL didn' t even look up, gave me a look of deep disgust like Im a piece of filth stuck to her shoe.
She didnt eat the bfast I made and had lunch all by herself.(normlly we eat together) and never spoke to me at all since morning. Where do I go from here now:
1. Ignore MIL and give her back a taste of her own pill. I ignored her after lunch ,spoke only when necessary.
2. Again try to make peace and start talking random things to involve her. I can' t do it now ,Im so stressed and frustrated. partly because my baby is teething and it' s been 2 weeks in a row that Ive slept for only 2- 2.5 hrs in the night.
If she wants to be a bear ,let her be.
I wanna bawl and cry.
I dunno what to do.
Again,if somebody else is reading this,pls any sugestions welcome. I' ll write more if you want any info.
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Ritika
sorry to call you out. Im posting on this board coz I think you are active here. I wrote a while back about my MIl issues. A quick recap - she' s been here for 3 months and leaving back to India in another 6 weeks. After a lot of initial problems (and an angry outburst when she called me scum) things were getting a little better for a while. She' s still the same curt,rude and reserved personality. I tried to keep peace in the family by talking to her a lot,engaging her in a lot of conversations, taking her out and letting her bond with the baby etc. Now all of a sudden ,she' s started throwing tantrums since last nite - why because me and my dh didn' t pick the nightwear that she chose for the baby. (she' s not even 7 months and MIL picks a 12 month outfit,my baby would sink in it) She refused to eat(ate after coaxing from hubby) and drink her milk and despises me to the core. I tried to act natural ,maintained the same level of conversation ,but she royally ignored and was rude to me.
This morning I thought she' d be better after a night' s sleep ,took my baby to her and made my baby wish her grandma ,MIL didn' t even look up, gave me a look of deep disgust like Im a piece of filth stuck to her shoe.
She didnt eat the bfast I made and had lunch all by herself.(normlly we eat together) and never spoke to me at all since morning. Where do I go from here now:
1. Ignore MIL and give her back a taste of her own pill. I ignored her after lunch ,spoke only when necessary.
2. Again try to make peace and start talking random things to involve her. I can' t do it now ,Im so stressed and frustrated. partly because my baby is teething and it' s been 2 weeks in a row that Ive slept for only 2- 2.5 hrs in the night.
If she wants to be a bear ,let her be.
I wanna bawl and cry.
I dunno what to do.
Again,if somebody else is reading this,pls any sugestions welcome. I' ll write more if you want any info.
Swapna replied. Namita,sonu,gg, ddd,Madhuri and ritika
thanks a lot for taking the time to answer. Really appreciate your effort. I' ll try and answer all your qs
- MIl is not depressed and past that meno pause stage. She' s 63. She simply hates US. that' s all I can say. Everytime we go out she says a alot of awful things like ,too many rules,no convineance ,no mobility ,too cold,pricey, yada yada yada. Wants to go back asap but dh wants her to stay until Nov mid. That' s really bugging her. I told dh that she can go back if she wants to but he insists that she stays (no idea why)
- I can' t take her to the doc here (too expensive and her visitor insurance is not comprehensive ,she needs to see one back home)
- I can never have an open conversation with her. Reasons are - we have never been together ,I came to the US 15 days after my wedding and never went to india for a vacation in the last 3 yrs. so except the time I spoke to her on the phone ,we' ve never really known each other . ILs family is super reserved. They never have any open discussions at home. No one-on-one talks there. My dh too was an introvert when we were married but I managed to change that bit in him. One example is - BIL' s marriage was breaking a year back. He was almost divorced but till date my dh and BIL have never spoken to each other about it and they are very close in age. Can you imagine that?
MIL never tells me anything explicitly. I need to infer things. Even this nightwear issue is my guess. I still don' t know if that' s the problem. Go figure!!
-My baby does not tolerate gripe water ,she gags. Im using highlands teething tablets. Thanks for the info there.Dh cannot watch her in the night coz he goes to school on saturdays too and is super exhausted : ( . Mil won' t watch her in the night coz she claims she never sleeps in the nights(says she sleeps only after 2.00 am and sleeps till 8.00 ) and her arthritis is worse in the nights. She naps during afternoons to make up for lost sleep and I keep the baby 24/7. How stressful is that?
I ignored her since yday and talk only when necessary. And I admit IT FEELS GOOD !!!! .
I know that the magnitude of my problem may seem to be small compared to what other DILs feel and I guess I need to draw solace from the fact that she' d be leaving in 6 weeks. But the last few miles are getting difficult here!!!!
Anyways,thanks a bunch to you all.
Ritika replied. Hi Swapna,
First of all a BIG hug to you and yr baby...Sorry to hear about yr MIL behaving like a bear and a fox all in one...Just hearing about her makes me wanna show her the door...anyways..
You' ve been wonderful so far and have gotten through most of her time here..Bravo!! Give a pat on your back because you deserve that!!
Your MIL seems to be having the victim and martyr syndrome all rolled into one...
There are a couple of approaches you could try (depending on your energy and her mood).
You could try asking her on what' s wrong..and if she is not feeling well...or why she is angry with you so much? you could say that \" I' m sorry I hurt you last night but the clothes really were big for the baby\" ..and why is she hurting you all now in the process...
If all this is not possible (you would know best how approachable she is at this moment)..then I agree with the others here...just ignore her...speak when necessary...go out for a walk with yr baby...
or since you are so sleep deprived..maybe you can ask her if she can watch over the baby for a couple of hours..and then you can go get some sleep...
Don' t try to please her too much...because you yourself are so tired and drained right now..and you need all your energy for yourself...
Also about the teething - have you tried gripe water? I use Wellements gripe water for my baby ( you get it at Kroger btw) and it works like a charm...I also gave her Highlands teething tablets (its homeopathic medicine and you' ll get it at any publix or kroger) a few times and that also seemed to help her...
One last thing - since you haven' t had any sleep for the last 2 weeks, I would suggest you ask yr husband to take care of the baby in the night...maybe Friday and Saturday night? and you get some rest.
Hope this helps...take care and all the best! keep us posted...
madhuri replied. Dear Swapna
I think that you are a wonderful person. Your MIL is so rude to you still you are trying to engage her... Well swapna, Is there a possibility that your MIL is having some sort of psychological condition.. Is she in depression? This behavior is not normal at all.Menopause sometimes makes a person depressed & maybe she is behaving this way not because she hates you but because she is really having a problem. Can you consult a doctor? Discuss with your husband about this but be very tactful & diplomatic. Try to find out if she was always like this or has her nature changed in the past few months/ days... maybe after treatment you can see some dramatic change in the behaviour...God knows what we will be once we r at their age... My grandmother developed depression due to hubby' s death & also menopause at the same time & my mother suffered a lot. In those days they did not know much about psychriatric treatment but later when they finally saw a good doctor her condition improved vastly & i remember her being very loving and caring.. Anyway what I am trying to tell u is that dont fret yourslef trying to find out what u might have done wrong..maybe this is just a cry for help on ur MIL' s part...all the best
dddd replied. Swapna Mils make every DIL to dance to their tunes. Still they are not satisfied. We will be emotionally drained. Not worth it if they are not appreciative.
Try not to bend backwards to please your MIL. The more they see us doing it the more they throw tantrums.Be little indifferent. Do as much as required. Because once u try to please them the most,the more they expect next time.DO you want to spend good yrs of your baby and you on MIL.Enjoy with your baby and make her a part of it. If she acts up just neglect.
Best of luck. Post back.
sonu replied. Hi
Sorry to hear about ur problem. Must say u have patience to put with her.
Stop being nice to her. Namita is right it will only boost her ego and make he believe that she is right when she is wrong. If she wnats to carry on like that then please leave her to it. Only talk to her when it is necessary.
I have the same problem i confronted my mil about all the lies and stuff she was talking behind my back..i had proof too and she denied it everything and made me out to be a mad women who was making things up. So u know what now i dont talk to her that much...i just leave her and talk to her when i have to. U have ur self respect to and are not dirt. Just because they are elder does not mean that they are always right.
I am now pregnant with my second baby and my mil has not even called me to congratulate me which at first hurts but then i thought why bother about people like that who have nothing better to do then always degrade and put ur down. Live ur life the way u want it and be happy
gg replied. u must have gone thru my problem if not please do so i use to do the same thing of pleasing her plssssssssssss u are wasting your time.
i totally agree with namita my sil thought me this believe me what namita told u works really well on mil
close your eyes n do what she said
namita replied. just chill and njoy ur life ... ignore her ... she will leave in 6 weeks time ... dont try to please her by doing something or taking out some topic to speak to her .... this will boost her MIL supper ego and she will only ignore u and irritate u .... talk to her nicely but only for the necessary things
2007-10-12
#1
Name: Swapna Subject: thanks a ton
Namita,sonu,gg, ddd,Madhuri and ritika
thanks a lot for taking the time to answer. Really appreciate your effort. I' ll try and answer all your qs
- MIl is not depressed and past that meno pause stage. She' s 63. She simply hates US. that' s all I can say. Everytime we go out she says a alot of awful things like ,too many rules,no convineance ,no mobility ,too cold,pricey, yada yada yada. Wants to go back asap but dh wants her to stay until Nov mid. That' s really bugging her. I told dh that she can go back if she wants to but he insists that she stays (no idea why)
- I can' t take her to the doc here (too expensive and her visitor insurance is not comprehensive ,she needs to see one back home)
- I can never have an open conversation with her. Reasons are - we have never been together ,I came to the US 15 days after my wedding and never went to india for a vacation in the last 3 yrs. so except the time I spoke to her on the phone ,we' ve never really known each other . ILs family is super reserved. They never have any open discussions at home. No one-on-one talks there. My dh too was an introvert when we were married but I managed to change that bit in him. One example is - BIL' s marriage was breaking a year back. He was almost divorced but till date my dh and BIL have never spoken to each other about it and they are very close in age. Can you imagine that?
MIL never tells me anything explicitly. I need to infer things. Even this nightwear issue is my guess. I still don' t know if that' s the problem. Go figure!!
-My baby does not tolerate gripe water ,she gags. Im using highlands teething tablets. Thanks for the info there.Dh cannot watch her in the night coz he goes to school on saturdays too and is super exhausted : ( . Mil won' t watch her in the night coz she claims she never sleeps in the nights(says she sleeps only after 2.00 am and sleeps till 8.00 ) and her arthritis is worse in the nights. She naps during afternoons to make up for lost sleep and I keep the baby 24/7. How stressful is that?
I ignored her since yday and talk only when necessary. And I admit IT FEELS GOOD !!!! .
I know that the magnitude of my problem may seem to be small compared to what other DILs feel and I guess I need to draw solace from the fact that she' d be leaving in 6 weeks. But the last few miles are getting difficult here!!!!
Anyways,thanks a bunch to you all.
2007-10-15
#2
Name: Namita Subject: U r the only 1 to tke care of ur life so just NJOY
Nice to hear that u tried and it worked ... this MIL will never change .. no use atall of talking to them or saying sorry or asking what is the prob.? I dont know abt others but i can ssay this from my MIL ... U are lucky enough that she will go in 6 weeks ...just think abt that n ignore her ... instead of wasting energy on her preserve taht energy to take care of child as u are deprived of sleep ... at times tell ur MIL very sweetly tht u need to take rest when ur baby is sleeping bcoz in night u only hve to wake up when ur baby gets up .... n dnt wait there to listen to wht she says, put this as ur suggetion no as query(where u r expecting reply from her) to her
2007-10-11
#3
Name: Ritika Subject: Re:
Hi Swapna,
First of all a BIG hug to you and yr baby...Sorry to hear about yr MIL behaving like a bear and a fox all in one...Just hearing about her makes me wanna show her the door...anyways..
You' ve been wonderful so far and have gotten through most of her time here..Bravo!! Give a pat on your back because you deserve that!!
Your MIL seems to be having the victim and martyr syndrome all rolled into one...
There are a couple of approaches you could try (depending on your energy and her mood).
You could try asking her on what' s wrong..and if she is not feeling well...or why she is angry with you so much? you could say that \" I' m sorry I hurt you last night but the clothes really were big for the baby\" ..and why is she hurting you all now in the process...
If all this is not possible (you would know best how approachable she is at this moment)..then I agree with the others here...just ignore her...speak when necessary...go out for a walk with yr baby...
or since you are so sleep deprived..maybe you can ask her if she can watch over the baby for a couple of hours..and then you can go get some sleep...
Don' t try to please her too much...because you yourself are so tired and drained right now..and you need all your energy for yourself...
Also about the teething - have you tried gripe water? I use Wellements gripe water for my baby ( you get it at Kroger btw) and it works like a charm...I also gave her Highlands teething tablets (its homeopathic medicine and you' ll get it at any publix or kroger) a few times and that also seemed to help her...
One last thing - since you haven' t had any sleep for the last 2 weeks, I would suggest you ask yr husband to take care of the baby in the night...maybe Friday and Saturday night? and you get some rest.
Hope this helps...take care and all the best! keep us posted...
2007-10-11
#4
Name: madhuri Subject: is she depressed?
Dear Swapna
I think that you are a wonderful person. Your MIL is so rude to you still you are trying to engage her... Well swapna, Is there a possibility that your MIL is having some sort of psychological condition.. Is she in depression? This behavior is not normal at all.Menopause sometimes makes a person depressed & maybe she is behaving this way not because she hates you but because she is really having a problem. Can you consult a doctor? Discuss with your husband about this but be very tactful & diplomatic. Try to find out if she was always like this or has her nature changed in the past few months/ days... maybe after treatment you can see some dramatic change in the behaviour...God knows what we will be once we r at their age... My grandmother developed depression due to hubby' s death & also menopause at the same time & my mother suffered a lot. In those days they did not know much about psychriatric treatment but later when they finally saw a good doctor her condition improved vastly & i remember her being very loving and caring.. Anyway what I am trying to tell u is that dont fret yourslef trying to find out what u might have done wrong..maybe this is just a cry for help on ur MIL' s part...all the best
2007-10-11
#5
Name: dddd Subject: Cheer up
Swapna Mils make every DIL to dance to their tunes. Still they are not satisfied. We will be emotionally drained. Not worth it if they are not appreciative.
Try not to bend backwards to please your MIL. The more they see us doing it the more they throw tantrums.Be little indifferent. Do as much as required. Because once u try to please them the most,the more they expect next time.DO you want to spend good yrs of your baby and you on MIL.Enjoy with your baby and make her a part of it. If she acts up just neglect.
Best of luck. Post back.
2007-10-11
#6
Name: sonu Subject: Right
Hi
Sorry to hear about ur problem. Must say u have patience to put with her.
Stop being nice to her. Namita is right it will only boost her ego and make he believe that she is right when she is wrong. If she wnats to carry on like that then please leave her to it. Only talk to her when it is necessary.
I have the same problem i confronted my mil about all the lies and stuff she was talking behind my back..i had proof too and she denied it everything and made me out to be a mad women who was making things up. So u know what now i dont talk to her that much...i just leave her and talk to her when i have to. U have ur self respect to and are not dirt. Just because they are elder does not mean that they are always right.
I am now pregnant with my second baby and my mil has not even called me to congratulate me which at first hurts but then i thought why bother about people like that who have nothing better to do then always degrade and put ur down. Live ur life the way u want it and be happy
2007-10-12
#7
Name: sana Subject: congrats!!
Congrats on your pregnancy!! sonu
2007-10-12
#8
Name: sana Subject: congrates!!
Congrates on your pregnancy!! sonu
2007-10-11
#9
Name: gg Subject: hi
u must have gone thru my problem if not please do so i use to do the same thing of pleasing her plssssssssssss u are wasting your time.
i totally agree with namita my sil thought me this believe me what namita told u works really well on mil
close your eyes n do what she said
2007-10-11
#10
Name: namita Subject: 6 weeks to go...
just chill and njoy ur life ... ignore her ... she will leave in 6 weeks time ... dont try to please her by doing something or taking out some topic to speak to her .... this will boost her MIL supper ego and she will only ignore u and irritate u .... talk to her nicely but only for the necessary things
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thanks a ton
Name: Namita
U r the only 1 to tke care of ur life so just NJOY
Re:
is she depressed?
Cheer up
congrats!!
6 weeks to go...
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