Parents of Schoolgoers  Discussion Forum

After reading messages on this site, I’m feeling little better with the feeling that it’s not just me facing the problem, rather its universal problem of Indian girls. I’m married for two years now. I have 11 months old daughter. Immediately after marriage we were staying with in-laws in their house. Eight months after marriage we moved into the new house which my husband has bought before marriage. Before marriage my in laws used to say that you people will be staying separately but when it was time to move, they were the first to pack up their things and move into the new house. During those eight months there was taunting from both of my in laws MIL and FIL. I have younger brother in law. He is also no way less than them. My in laws behavior in front of my husband is totally different than their behavior after him. They have become very aggressive since i have returned back with my baby from my parents house. Even my BIL though young will taunt me. Now he has shifted to Hyderabad for job. So now we are 5 in house including my baby. I had been to my parents place for 4 months for delivery. After coming back with baby they have become more aggressive. My MIL wont allow me to touch anything in kitchen. Once my husband told me to cook something and I cooked she started saying’ we are leaving this house and going back. This incidence happened one more time. But of course not in front of my husband. They will close the door of my bedroom for the whole day and be comfortable though I don’t trouble them at all, but in front of my husband they will shower all love on me. My MIL and FIL are taking care of my baby. They will tell me to keep maid but they will tell my husband that we are ready to take care of baby but its me who want to keep maid and who doesn’t want to give baby in their hand. My husband listens to nothing of mine. He says his parents are all very correct and perfect and it’s me who is creating all problems and troubling everyone. Otherwise we go along very well. But he is not at all understanding behavior of my in laws. Now they really want to move out of our place as now they understood that otherwise they will be busy in taking care of baby and they wont be able to enjoy free time but they want to give the blame on me for leaving house. MIL is trying to instigate me to fight. I am keeping quite. They keep me asking whether they should stay back or leave the house. I answer them saying its your house as well, what can I tell you, you can stay anywhere where you want to be and where you can be happy. But they don’t like this answer. What else should i say? should i beg in front of them saying please stay back with me. One day there was a big fight, being so elderly they are not even shy of lying, in the fight I didn’t say anything in particular or bad for them, I was just trying to defend myself, but my FIL said, now I’m leaving this house and he came to me and told, I am leaving this house, even I was furious and I said, your decision, I can’t help. And my husband got wild on me. Since then my FIL is not having dinner at my place though he is having lunch with us, if I’m there he won’t be in the house, or he will go to another room, my husband is blaming me, but he is totally neglecting their behavior, no other decision in the house is even conveyed to me, they three manage everything, I don’t even go to kitchen as MIL feels its her authority. According to them I should be sitting in my bedroom and should not get involved in any matter and my husband is also of similar opinion. I’m well qualified and working at high post, its difficult for me to take such treatment, after all we end up in the arguments and argument ends up with all blame on me, I don’t understand, just fade up, should I take the things further or should I go for any harsh step, I am just tired with all this, again my baby should not suffer because of their behavior, I don’t understand what to do. Now they have decided to move to their old house as they find themselves caught up with baby sitting and my husband is all blaming me for their decision and I have become helpless now.

Ujwala replied. Hey1 u all haven' t met my MIL, she is such a clever person, u wont even imagine what she is saying and doing and what her actual intention is. Still her MIL is alive, but long long ago she has terminated all her relations with in laws, she has 1 brother in law and 4 sis inlaw, but no body in actual relation, they were not even called for our marriage, she is so pathetic that i din' t feel like seeing her anymore, when she acts sewwt in front of my husband ifeel irritated as if someone is torturing me, just difficult to take, but still have to go with it, i will have to think over and change myself someway, FIL is just a puppete in her hand, just difficult, just difficult gg replied. its nothing like u should throw them out of the house...or be rude to them ...i think it will be very worng on our part too...
after all she is ur husbands mother..n ur husband loves her..may be more than u ...he wont say that but it is fact ...
personally i always wanted to stay with my husbands parent s he had asked me b4 mrrg n left decision on me..infact he had warned me that my fahter is a very nice person ..but i am very sure that u wotn get along with my mother...still i said no...infact i am blessed with such a nice family ...we are all 15...n we all enjoy a lot...
but the only prob in my liufe is my mil....
my mil is first very traditional...n very old now...with age u tend to become cranky...insecure...jealuous...high ego prob...when some1 praises me..she gets upset...may be when i am old ...i too will feel smae u never know....
i am very very reserved n quite person i dont lose temper on any1...b4 mrrg i was very patient...sober...but the way my mil behaves with me i lose my temper...my mind just blows off...still i go n cry in one corner n never back answered her...now she is become alright coz i hv started giving her bakc...what to do ? cant help if there is some1 who has changed my behaviour its she ..she is the only responsible person...i dont behave same with others ..no way..my in laws are very nice touch wood...i jsut love this joint family...it makes a difference....
i hv learnt on e thing...u cant help all mil are same...
still if u ask me if i want to stay nuclear or joint i wud go for joint..
but mil...no way...trust at times they are very ver irritaing...i myslef feel like doing soemthing so bad that she will remember all her life....
i feel like stiching her lips whn she opens her mouth...u just cant take it.......

moral of the story to all the dil :

IF YOU WANT TO STAY WITH MIL...U HAVE TO LEARN TO BE DEAF... Ritika replied. Bravo gg!! You rock!!

Your SIL and you are doing wonderfully well and I' m very happy for you!!

I hope others take some inspiration from you and learn to stand up for themselves.

Ujwala - All I can suggest is that play their game, but in your own way.

Do you want them to stay??

If yes, then in front of your husband, act extra sweet and tell them that they should stay at home and take care of the baby. The baby needs her grandparents etc etc. Just as they are sweet to you in front of him, behave similarly. But do it in a strong and sweet manner in a FIRM voice.

So many women make the mistake of pleading. The moment your voice changes to a pleading tone, you have lost the argument my dear. Tears make it worse. If you behave as a victim, then they will keep on treating you as one.

It is your house, your kitchen, your husband and your baby. Remember that always. If anybody says anything bad to you (other than your husband), give it back to them immediately. Don' t be a pushover.

Change the way you react to them.

In your husband' s absence, if they are troubling you, then give it back to them. If they enter your room and close the door, then knock and enter it and sit with them...ask in an interested voice..\" kya gupshup chal rahi hai..I also want to join..\" etc

About the kitchen thing. Go and make something for your husband & family in FRONT of him. Ask him to join you in the kitchen while you cook so that you can chat with him...as you don' t get to talk to him that often these days. Then your MIL won' t have the courage to say anything...

For doing anything if your in-laws stop you, then do it in front of your husband. They will sing a different tune then.

Try to involve your hubby with the baby more..on the weekends, go out with him and the baby...or hand the baby to yr in-laws and go for a movie with him..or on the pretext of running errands...try to spend some fun time with him...make him see that your company can be enjoyable...

I hope you see some better times soon...all the best... gg replied. if u people come to know how she treats her in laws u will get a shcok of ur life...my mil hates hates her in laws she was those vamp kind of dil...of her time .. now at present when my fil side people come the way she treats them i cant discuss on this board...she literally insults them ..first she will call them ...n then the way she insults any human will feel bad about it...
and she teaches us how to respect in laws ..all the time...100 times she will us how to do seva of ur mil....we dont know... gg replied. i bet they will never leave the house...never never never...once i was going back home from work ..n my mil was discussing things with my fil ...i heard this...this female(ME) thinks she will take contorl of our son...she will impress him by running after him...i will never let this happen...i hv not gvine birth to my sons (they are 4 bro) to gv it to my dil one day...
she must be dreaming of lovely family of husband n children ...no in laws no head ahce..whnever she will be tired she wont cook she will order food from outside..she will get to live life acc to her style..
n days she falls sick she will make my son press her legs...she will make my son dance to her tunes...n very imp she will get all his money to spend..which will not happen till i am alive..look at her how far she can think..
my fil was telling her to leave us alone ..n go back to their house ..on this she was giving him lecture...
another thing if they go who will do the housework ...even if they hire maid they wil hv to pay for it...
plus ur mil will die thingking how much happy u must be in her absence...
if she stays with u she can make ur life more miserable...even if they leave she will make sure she sheds enough tears in ur absence before her son ..so that he will force u to say sorry n ask them to get them back...
so pls gv up those hopes...
n pls stop crying b4 them.... Miriam replied. Hi Ujwala and GG,

I can understand how you must be feeling. My MIL is actually a very decent person, but even then she is extremely controlling and needs to feel important and the centre of attention all the time. If that doesn' t happen then no matter what one does, its never enough.

Best is to stand up for yourself and put your foot down even if your husband doesn' t support you. You must take care of yourself.

And finally, let your inlaws leave the house. Much better for you. Your husband will get over it in time.

Also, tell your husband that all decisions are your and his 50-50, he cant leave you out of major decisions. He has married you, you have also given up your independence and decision making to share this with him. So he can' t expect to go on the same way.

Also why is he upset if they choose to go back to their old house? Is he feeling guilty?

Stay strong
Miriam gg replied. one more thing ...ur mil n fil will never let u do work or anything...coz ...if u cook ..n do work slowly ur husband will start loving u...for taking care of his parents..n fil will start liking u for looking after house well...n after few years u will become every1 favourite...so ur mil loose all her importance....she iwll never let u do work at home ..same with us..my sil n i both want to do work but mil wil complete all the worl jsut b4 we reach home n then she iwll complain see they dont do anything...bla bla...so its always better u dont do anything n listen to her...rather than do everything n listen to her... gg replied. my dear ujawal...take a print out of ur msgs...remove one zerox n read it...same is my problem ....just exactly like urs...only one small thing i hv a jethani....she is 3 years younger to me....
i use to cry sulk like u..depressed all the time....i too hv 11 motnh daughter...we got mrrd first then my jeth got mrrd...
1 1/2 year i took all the torture silently...till my bro-in lw got mrrd...believe me hats off to her...n people like us should be ashamed of our self...inspite of being so educated..i use to put my self respect on my mils feet..eveery alternate day i wud touch my mil n fil feet dont leave us...remaining days i wud be taking food to my mil..i hv even feed her with my hands...my god knows it was never my fault..in 2 years i hv never fought with thme..or utterd a word. or back answere them..i hv been like a puppet to my mil....stil she wud cook up story against me..all lies...evern though she fast she lies...and a lot...
but all her cunning attitude ...ideas hv gone for a toss ..in front of my sil..
she tried to do same thing with her...she is a very sweet girl..but she know s how to handle such characters...i hv leartnt a lot form her...
first of all let her do the work...dont ever behave like me ..mummmy dia mi karte....never do that let her be the queen of kitchen ..u spend time with ur daughter...whenver my mil try to be sweet with my sil...in front of her husband...she will gv her a long list of things she wants..mummy i want this i want that ...she cant refuse in front of her son....
while doing house work u tend to ignore ur husband ..it hppnd with me..my mil wud complain to my hubby see she doesnt look after u..n her daughter...and i use to do her work all the time..my sil..doesnt do anythign other then following her husband...when my mil tried to cook story about her..she went n told her hubby...its not true n he trusted her..coz he is close to her..unlike me..she always tells me to be cool n ignore her..n let her do everything n u enjoy ur life...she says one day we hv to take charge of all responsiblilites.. ...so y not jsut enjoy life...right now...if my mil tell s her not to do soemthing ...she will do it...just becoz she has said not to do ....no matter how much my mil abuses or lose temprer on her..she will demand whatever she wants from her...she doesnt gv penny athome...
what i am doing is just blindly following her ..trust me things hv chnaged for me too...its jsut a beginning but i am sure one day i will leaern from my sil how to tackle her...
u just hv to be cool...
n plssssssssssss dont worry about that they will leave u n go away...this will never happen...if this happnes then board of indiaperenting will close down...
i was once taking food for my mil..my sil said take it back ...she wont go anywhere...no need to pamper her ...she doesnt deserve this royal treatment...
now the situation is my mill keeps telling every1 u wont find a dil like me...she preaises me...n tries to be friendly with me...but now its too late...i use comb her hair...oil her ..massge her ...everything i hv done....but she use always say bad things about me.... when i stopped ...she is praising me

about ur daughter...my mil wudnt let e touch her...my sil saw the struggle btwn me n her for dauhgter..she said let her take care of her..mean time u spend time with ur husband...
i stopped reacting n wud go to bedroom with my husband in afternoon on sundays n lock...
now my mil knocks the door n gv my diaghter to me...
its not mil...its people like u n me.. who keep mil on their head n when they start pulling our hair we complain of pain....tyr tobe busy in ur life...
i hope this msg teaches u what i am trying to tell u....
now her torchure hv reduced compared to b4....my mil has changed so has my fil...i wish dil on this board cud observe her...my sil is a super cool woman with brains...not a fool like me...